Awful situation
I have been with my SO for about three years and we are currently expecting our first child together and my first child ever. He has two children from a previous relationship and his BM has been plaguing my life since our second date. She has called me rude names to my face, by text and mostly to my SO, such as immature and a bad role model for her kids because I am 4 years younger than her. The first year, she called my SO every single day at least once a day to complain about me, him, her kids, etc. and it was totally miserable. But the hardest part for me is that she filed a CPS case a year ago saying that I molested her 2 year old daughter. It was false, of course, and after a very public investigation and expensive few months in court it was proven to be unfounded and all charges were dropped against me. Her infant daughter had to go through a rape kit, I had to spend thousands of dollars on a lawyer and go through the embarrassment of such an accusation. It caused me to develop severe anxiety that I had to take medication to control and even move from the small town we were living in for any peace of mine.
My SO still does his visitation with them of course and sometimes I will be present when I am comfortable but mostly I am scared of being falsely accused again. A couple of months ago there was a second accusation of abuse, though not specifically against me, just claiming that somebody in my SO's household had abused her. Once again, everything was dropped. I have hired lawyers and spoken to CPS and it seems like there is basically nothing that I can do to protect myself. I made a mistake when I got pregnant and now I am stuck in this relationship and situation. It's just so hard and even now, months later, I am so scared and on edge. I don't want his kids around my baby. I'm scared to be around his kids. But I don't know what to do.
You're a woman. Legally, you
You're a woman. Legally, you have the power.
Simply tell DH that his kids aren't welcome in your home, and if he doesn't like it, he can get a divorce and be slapped in the face with spousal support and child support.
I'd imagine the kids come EOWE or EOW, so I'm sure he can make accommodations to the visitation.
Or, you'll just have to deal with BM, because your DH isn't.
He currently does his
He currently does his overnight visits at his fathers house an hour away, EOW, which is just another stressor on our relationship, especially now that we have a new baby coming. I am willing to be around his kids but not alone and typically not overnight. We have a 1 bedroom apt and were going to buy a 3 bedroom house when I got pregnant, but he immediately assumed that his kids would be over to spend the night on his weekends and it just wasn't worth it to me to live somewhere that I would have to walk on eggshells. So I decided to bail on the house for now. When I am at his fathers during his visitation I put up security cameras around the entire house. But that's not how I want to live my life forever or in my own house...
SO has stood loyally by my side during every court case and all of the nonsense but he doesn't understand how it effects me. He thinks that because my name was cleared and that the police said the child was coached that I just shouldn't worry. But I have seen the ins and outs of family court and CPS and I am still very scared
So he's going to have to
So he's going to have to choose between you and them. Because you are right. You don't deserve to be stuffed in a 1 bedroom apartment with your baby. You don't deserve to be put through stress. You said it yourself, you can't live like this. If you're willing to budge on it, you could say something like "one day a week at your dad's house, and I never want to hear a word about it".
Who would want to live with the fear of being jailed? Just think about when the kids are old enough to talk and be programmed by bio-mom to testify against you in court.
But, back to my original statement, you'll be fine. Have your baby and love it, and drain your current bf of everything he has for not properly handling bio-mom like he should.
Why is he taking phone calls
Why is he taking phone calls from BM every day? He needs to shut that down, and file a restraining order if necessary. He should not entertain her nonsense about you. Don't agree to live with him until he takes care of the BM problem because it's HIS problem, not yours.
In the beginning of our
In the beginning of our relationship, things were not good. He did entertain her phone calls and craziness and even I initiated conversations with her behind my back. I was probably dumb to stay through all of the betrayals, but I did. Everything changed during their first custody case when she filed for sole custody no visitation because her daughter (1 at the time) had called me mommy. Then he realized just how psychotic she is. After that he listened to me when I put my foot down about contact and since then it's been very limited with every phone call, pick up and drop off recorded at the request of our lawyer.
How did she not end up in
How did she not end up in trouble with CPS for the false allegations?
In the police report it says
In the police report it says that she coached her 2 year old daughter to say things about me, but there is no 100% evidence of it because her daughter was so young at the time. CPS recommended that she be evaluated psychologically, but the family court is so awful they basically just said she was just being a nervous mom and didn't back the CPS recommendation. It's been a whole year and I'm still working with lawyers to get the unfounded record expunged. It's crazy.
For your sake I'd recommend
For your sake I'd recommend NEVER being around his children again. It doesn't matter whether there are people around or not you shouldn't jeopardize yourself and that of your baby because your SO has a crazy X. I feel like he hasn't done enough to protect you. I wouldn't risk having my child taken away with all these accusations.
You can't continue living every day of your life in fear and wondering when sh!t is going to hit the fan. Time to have a serious conversation with your SO and let him know something has to be done NOW.....because you and your baby shouldn't be impacted by all this insanity.
It's very hard, emotionally.
It's very hard, emotionally. Do I keep my baby from ever knowing her siblings? I wouldn't be able to get sole custody in court and then I would have no control over wether or not our baby is allowed around them and in what scenarios. I'm not trying to blame or punish the kids, I just wish that there was a good compromise where I didn't feel so threatened. I wish there was some kind of legal action that I could take. Even CPS recommended that she was evaluated psychologically during our first court case, but the family court is backwards and really favors mothers. It really comes down to being my fault that I'm stuck in this situation and it just really sucks.
Yes, you do. Those children
Yes, you do. Those children are not your children. They are products of insanity, just as any other child who is a product of insanity.
Instinct is to protect your own, and it's a very valid instinct. I could only imagine the hurt you would feel if SD eventually influenced your own daughter against you as well.
I don't buy into the whole "They're siblings! You're terrible for keeping them apart - blah blah blah".
No.
They're unhealthy because of how they were raised, and because of the environment that they are a part of. It's not your duty to determine whose fault it is, and it's not your duty to be their mother and look after their well being. It's their mother's job. It's your duty to protect and raise you own in an enviornment that is disconnected from all of that craziness.
That's my opinion on the matter.
Thank you for that. It's so
Thank you for that. It's so hard because the grandparents are always giving me guilt trips saying I'm not being fair to the children by not being around or that I'm going to alienate my child by limiting contact. I always end up feeling so guilty for trying to protect myself and my family
That's their problem, and
That's their problem, and your babydaddy's, honestly.
They should really start being nicer to you, I guess they don't realize who has the power.
The court will decide what
The court will decide what contact he has with your child, you just have to honor that. Please don't try to cut the kid out of his life, that's not reasonable.
I think that him seeing his
I think that him seeing his kids at his father's is the only thing that he can do. I know that it will be stressful on you having a baby on your own in the beginning, but that will have to be your burden to bear. The only other option is doing it on your own ALL the time if you leave him.
I think it would also be fair for him to skip the 1st weekend visitation after the baby is born. The kids won't die if they don't see their dad for 3 weeks. My kids are long distance with their father and have to go 2-3 months between seeing him.
I would also suggest that you never allow his kids in your home again for over nights or alone with you. If the kids display any negative behavior towards your new baby, all visits 100% of the time will have to be out of the house. Considering what BM has done, I can't see where your husband can complain. This isn't his fault, but it isn't your job to fix this, it's his.
I completely agree with this.
I completely agree with this. I would never be around the kids again. Allegations like this can destroy your life, never mind the thousands you’ll spend in court defending yourself against her insanity. If your husband can’t deal with that, then he’s not worth your time. He should be working overtime to protect you, not force you to be around children when doing so leaves you open to CPS investiagtions & unfound charges laid.
I would do my best to keep my child away from the skids too. Your baby might not end up knowing his/her siblings but they’ll be safe, which is what’s important.
And definitely have him skip visitation when your baby is born. It won’t hurt any of them to go a bit of time between visits but it will give you time to bond with the new baby as a family.
Do I keep my baby from ever
Do I keep my baby from ever knowing her siblings? I wouldn't be able to get sole custody in court and then I would have no control over wether or not our baby is allowed around them and in what scenarios.-------------------------
Yes, you DO keep your bio child away from bm's kids. Your bio child may likely be the next target. Let that sink in, ok?
You will never be required to share YOUR child with bm's kids. Unless you invite them in your home. At this point, since false abuse claims were made by bm. I would never as much as look at BM or her kids again much less be within 100miles from them either.
This is just gosh awful. I am so sorry you had to go thru such a terrible situation.
YOU have to ask yourself. Am I willing to live the rest of my life like 'this"? Will bf for ever have his visitation at his parents house. IF so, it may work. Just tell him there is no contact, between your child and his kids. PERIOD. Not even a faded picture of the baby.
I think that's why I'm
I think that's why I'm working so hard to make this relationship work, because if he got any custody without me I know that he would allow them all to be together and would probably go pick up his other kids with our baby then our baby would be in the BMs vicinity and the thought of that makes my physically sick. But I really don't think that the court would give me sole custody because in all honesty he is a good father, he just doesn't perceive the dangers clearly because they are his kids.
Think of it this way.
Think of it this way.
Right now, you can move to a different state. Hell, you could move to a different country.
After that baby is born, you are landlocked to where you are. A judge will order you to stay. You will no longer have a choice in the matter.
If you move 300 miles away from where he is, you can severely limit the interactions that your child has with insanity.
Since our country (for whatever reason) doesn't consider the life inside of you a baby, it isn't considered in family court until it is born. If he wants to take you to court for visitation later, he'll have to travel to you to do it, in whatever county that is.
Honestly, if I was single and put through what you have, a career in Alaska would be looking very nice. There is no penalty to you for making it extremely difficult for people to have access to an unborn child.
Not trying to scare you into running, but these facts give you some serious ammuntion.
^^This^^
It's the distilled, hard truth.
Normally I'm all about Fathers' Rights, but your situation is so loaded with toxicity and landmines that you need to ask yourself "Can I trust my H to protect my child?" " Is he capable of doing what is necessary to protect my child? " And if the answer is no, do whatever you must to create a safe life for your baby.
I hear Alaska is quite beautiful.
I hear what you're saying,
I hear what you're saying, but I am literally due in 2 weeks and my entire family and career are where I currently live. I do sometimes consider just taking off, but it's not in the cards right now. My SO pays so much child support right now I'm not sure if he would risk fighting me for custody, but if he did I'm not sure what the outcome would be
Of course you can protect
Of course you can protect yourself.
Rekey the locks, inform DH that his prior relationship children will never be allowed in your home or anywhere near you or your child(ren). I would discuss a RO/PO with your attorney to see if you can keep the Skids far from you and your children through a CO of some sort.
But for sure you can keep them away from your home and family.
SO can see them on his own far from the life you are creating for yourself and your child.
Your Record
Even unfounded, could be used against you to take your child away. If there are more (unfounded) accusations, Ive read that it will destroy your life such that you might not be able to get a job, have a career, have your child with you.
These are things to consider, in addition to the fact that what if the Skids get jealous? Ive seen a rash of posts about violent (and VERY young) skids trying to smother their newborn half siblings and who have cut off fingers and toes, hit them etc.
Please consult a lawyer before giving birth to see what your options are.
I take accusations very seriously. My SD20 has accused her uncle of things, as well as DH and myself of abuse - all unfounded, but which possibly could result in DH losing custody of his younger daughter, SD13 and cost me my wonderful job. Its NOT worth the risk.
I have been working to
I have been working to hopefully get my record expunged even if just the unfounded case because this makes me so nervous. I know that they can reopen cases in light of new accusations.
Good news
Also look into your options of leaving.
Im not one to always say run, but it sounds like it might be an option to consider seriously.
Simple: He's not legally father until proven.
When your baby is born, and they need info for the birth certificate, you can rightfully list "no father" since you are NOT MARRIED to him.
That would be the first thing I would do. This will give you the freedom to do what you think is best for your child, and he will have no rights to do anything unless he wants to go to court and demand paternity proof. i doubt he would do this if he can barely make child support payments now. Having full rights to your own child is PARAMOUNT.
Second thing I would do after the birth is get out of that house and find your own place to live. I would have NOTHING to do with his kids - EVER.
You are at serious risk of being accused of something again. And once BM hears of your baby's birth, she'll probably ramp up her antics. You may well be getting a visit from CPS about your own child. Seriously - unless you want to go bankrupt fighting cases against you, you need to extricate yourself from this relationship. Get. Out. Now.
Or else you might wind up in jail and having your SO raise your baby ... with help from BM.
I know and that is my worst
I know and that is my worst fear to have something happen that would hurt my child. It also breaks my heart to think about leaving my SO or him not being involved in his daughters life. I love him so much and I know what a wonderful father he is. It's so unfair that I should have to change my entire life and go through a broken family because of his BM, but I guess that's just what it comes down too I truly want to be uninvolved.
The family was broken before
The family was broken before you met your DH. Your presence does not fix it.
Protect your baby, protect yourself. The rest is irrelevant and periphery to that goal.
Your SO's prior relationship choices cannot be tolerated or allowed to ruin your life and the life of your child. My DW had SS-27 out of wedlock and initially there was no father named on the birth certificate. Sadly, just before he turned 1yo my DW followed the advice of a geriatric family friend who was at the end of his law career and went to court to establish paternity for her son. If she had not done that, we would not have had to struggle with the toxic manipulations of my SS's SpermClan. In all liklihood the SpermIdiot would not have pushed for paternity though SpermGrandHag probably would have forced it upon him.
You may want to consider what has been recommended above. Do not name a father on the BC. If SO pushes for it, then let him initiate the action and nail him for CS with the clear understanding that as the Skids age out from CS he will be under CS review regularly. A Skid ageing out from under a CO is a change in circumstance that should allow for you to file an ammendment even if it has been less than 2yrs since the last CS review.
Take care of you. Protect yourself and your baby.
Ending the relationship now will not break a home for the baby. The baby will know the home and life that you make for both of you.
My SS was raised in an intact home and marriage. He knows nothing else. His mom and I met when he was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. He always had visitation with the SpermClan but his real life was in an intact family and home. That stability is the foundation of his life as a viable successful adult. His mom made that happen for him and for herself.
Good luck and take care of the two of you.
Get advice from a trusted person.
You are clearly confused and unsure of what to do. Being in your last days of pregnancy is probably part of the reason. I think you need to sit down with some trusted family/friends and get their insight and help. Do this without your SO knowing. I would also advise that you contact an attorney (you can often get free legal advice) and find out the laws in your state about listing "NO FATHER" on the baby's birth certificate. You MUST do this if you do not want you and your baby to be tied to this man's kids (and ex wife) for the rest of your life.
Just to illustrate, and I don't mean to be unkind, but your thoughts and emotions are all over the place. See below. Please call your parents or other loved ones and ask for their help. Then GET OUT OF THAT HOUSE or you may have legal problems and heartaches for the rest of your life.
Thu, 01/09/2020 - 1:16pm
I think that's why I'm working so hard to make this relationship work,
Thu, 01/09/2020 - 3:18pm
I do sometimes consider just taking off, but it's not in the cards right now.
Thu, 01/09/2020 - 10:06pm
My plan is to do my maternity leave and when I am back on my feet to leave for graduate school and never come back.
It's just very hard I'm so
It's just very hard I'm so torn up inside about it. I love my SO and I do care for his kids, I feel terrible even thinking about bailing on them after everything we have been through. I really wish that I could believe that I won't be in trouble for doing nothing, that the system wouldn't punish me if I am innocent, but I have heard some horror stories...ugh.
Your first priority...
...should be thinking of your OWN child! TBH, it's surprising to me that as a pregnant woman that isn't your PRIMARY focus. You are still "torn up" and worried about "bailing" from a situation where you have been accused of child abuse???????
Please! Go talk to someone ASAP and get guidance about protecting yourself and that innocent child. As I said before, you can easily wind up in jail if it happens again. Is that what you want for your child?
Yes this^ and the fact that
Yes this^ and the fact that your DH is telling you "to get over it". Of course he perceives this different from you because he wants to and you to believe they are innocent little kids that didn't mean it. And the kids are but BM is on a mission to destroy you (and BM's like her will go as far as using her kids to do it, hence..) and he is NOT willing to shut her down and protect you and your unborn child. So you have to. If he loves you enough he will make the sacrifices he needs to protect you but staying there and letting him tell you how you should feel is not going to fix this serious issue.
Of course my child is my
Of course my child is my primary focus, otherwise I would never consider uprooting my life and leaving my SO, who I deeply love. My feelings of being torn up are still valid as this is an awful awful situation that only results in unfairness for somebody.
I don't want to end up in jail, I don't want to end up with my daughter having no father, I don't want any kids to be the victim of a crazy, jealous person. I am open to all advice, and I have consulted multiple lawyers and family therapists, all who have given me different advice, ranging from "you need to leave" to "you need to just live your life with your new family". That being said, please dont question my priorities as a mother, all I think about day and night is making the best choice for my baby.
‘I don't want any kids to be
‘I don't want any kids to be the victim of a crazy, jealous person’
You can’t help this though, it’s already happened. Your skids are already the victims of a crazy, jealous person and there is nothing you can do about it. The best thing you can do, not only for yourself & your child, but also for the skids, is so stay the eff away from them. The more time you spend with them the more their insane mother will escalate. You can’t help that, it’s not possible to reason with crazy.
I’d imagine your child being around won’t help things either, Bm’s like that will stir up drama everywhere they can. If you want to do best not only for your child but also for the skids, then stay away from them & keep your child to yourself. If your partner can’t understand that then he’s a part of the problem. His selfishness will end up hurting all three of his children, not just the previous two.
You can’t help that their mother is who she is nor that she behaves the way she does. The only thing you have control over is limiting your access to the children, for *everyone’s* benefit. People that stick their head in the sand the way your SO is doing only fuel the abuse that’s happening. They’re enablers, and part of the abuse itself. Please don’t let yourself or your child get embroiled in that dynamic. I know it’s hard but it’s truly what’s best for all involved.