Babysitting Stepdaughter During summer Visit
A little background, I have been with my now husband for 5 years, married just this year. I have openly expressed my dislike of being appointed babysitter while he works when SD is visiting for the summer from day one. I have friendly interaction with her over the years and she is pretty much a well behave child but my interactions were by mutual choice(SD and I)not forced.We have had many arguments about it in the past and I thought he understood. My children are grown and have never lived with us in our household. I have explained many many times that my children are grown and I no longer want to be responsible for the care of a child since the day I met him. I have a weird feeling that now that he and I are married he will expect me to babysit my SD while he is working during her summer visit since I am now unemployed. I must add that he is quick to say that I don't want her around and don't like her because I don't want to babysit her. I love my husband very much and don't want to get into the heated arguments that we had in the past regarding babysitting his child. If there are any step moms out there who have been through or are experiencing this in there marriage, please offer advice.
The sooner you clarify her
The sooner you clarify her childcare for this summer the better. Ask him directly, what his childcare plans are for this summer. There enough time between now and then to make other arraingements if he is thinking thatcyou will do it.
Be clear what exactly would would he willing to do (breakfast, and camp drop off..... Pick ups and watch her an hour til he gets home..... Watch her one day a week..... Or absolutely nothing).
I agree with your approach, I
I agree with your approach, I have to admit I am a little nervous to bring the subject up to him because he know how to make me feel somewhat bad by saying I don't want her around. I know he knows that is not true, I spend time with her and talk to her on a regular basis when she is with her BM. When he says that to me it makes me angry and I withdraw from him and her.
I got myself into that
I got myself into that position. I got a job that allows me to work from home. Afterschool care was cancelled and now I am picking up SS6 3-4 days a week at 3:15 from school, SD12 comes here those same days after school and DH roles in around 630\700. How nice. I also have my BD12 and BD7 who ride the bus here after school.
I can't get out of it. I have tried. I have even considered going back to work outside the home. I find it stressful to watch children I have no say in and I don't know how to get out. I have strongly suggested after school care be restarted but its been dismissed and unless I hit DH directly with it which will be a fight I am not yet willing to face....
Agree with above, get out of it before it starts...
This same situation happened
This same situation happened to me, too. I got a job where i work from home, and now it's like I'm the go-to person for the skids. I didn't see it coming.
My husband works a lot and gives our family a really well-off lifestyle, so i started feeling obligated to do this stuff...and then resentful because I never agreed to give up my career to raise his kid, no matter how much money he makes.
Here's my strategy: I started arranging for a babysitter every once in a while (grandma or a neighbor) or for the kid to go home with a friend or stay in after school care...and I just wouldn't mention it to DH...or would play it off like--my work schedule changed--or--he's always asking for playdates--or--you know how happy it makes grandma. It made DH happy that i was fielding all these things on my own. The next step was to start scheduling these things regularly, which is "better than these things happening haphazardly and the skid feeling like he has no schedule."
Maybe you should go ahead and
Maybe you should go ahead and be proactive and find summer programs for her....
It might make things easier for him if you show him the options that are available for summer camps/ programs. Present it in a positive way- you want her to enjoy her time in your home, and be happy.... at her age, socializing with peers is very important, and she will be happier and feel more at home if she has fun things to do during the day when he is at work.... try to find something you know she'll love.... if she's into basketball, find a program for basketball... Of course, most of these programs are costly, so you may have to adjust your budget in other areas to be able to cover it, but keeping sanity in your marriage is worth it.
But, going about it in a positive way will probably help him feel supportive of you rather than defensive.
Lily, I don't disagree with
Lily,
I don't disagree with you - in fact this is what I used to do myself before I disengaged. But let me ask you this, why isn't HE doing that?
Why can't the BioDad be proactive and find programs for the child he knows is coming for summer?
Why does the SM have to do it? She has already expressed that she doesn't want to be the babysitter?
Why do SMs have to do everything?
I think the Dad should do it,
I think the Dad should do it, but I also know sometimes men can be clueless...
I'm not saying make all the arrangements... but give him a list of other possibilities. Then, he can choose and make the arrangements.
Something like, "I know we agreed that I will not be responsible for caring for your daughter in your absence during your visit. I've found a few programs that might be good for her that you might find helpful."
Money! Camps and summer
Money! Camps and summer programs are so expensive! He really feels it is my responsibility as his mate to care for her when he is working.
It is funny that you say
It is funny that you say that! She is 11 years old and plays basketball. I have looked at summer programs here in our area but they are so expensive. That is another thing that my husband throws in my face, childcare and summer camp programs are so expensive especially with me not working right now. I agree that my husband is the one who should be providing her care or searching for summer camps, it is HIS child!
I hope you find a good
I hope you find a good solution.
The one summer that my kids had to go stay with their BD and his wife for several weeks, I actually made a big deal of the fact that he was not to leave the children in someone else's care... that if he couldn't provide for their care and supervision, I would take care of them. I was really insistent about it because my kids were not comfortable with her, and she also was not comfortable with them. So, he didn't put his wife in that position. He made arrangements for them with friends and/or playdates, and took a weekend visit to Grandma's with just them without his wife, to give them some alone time with their dad.
Keep trying to find a job! And I'm sure a solution will present itself
Does he have family in the
Does he have family in the area that could help watch her?
The ymca has summer camps on a sliding scale based on income.
What did he do last summer? The summer before that?
His family is about 80 miles
His family is about 80 miles away. Last summer she was not here, the summers before then she usually goes to her Godmother's house during the week and he picks her up on Friday evenings when he gets off work.
Maybe a compromise would be
Maybe a compromise would be for you to do drop offs and pick ups from godmother house. That way you have your days free, but he gets to see SD everyday.
Or godmother takes her three days a week, and you watch her two?
If you compromise a little it probably won't escalate into a big fight. But the sooner you work it out the better.
Peanut, I took your advice
Peanut, I took your advice combined with everyone's advice. I casual brought it up since he was in a good mood and asked what his plans were for childcare this summer. I asked his she was going to camp or with her Godmother. He stated probably Godmother, I then told him that I would be willing to discuss and work a schedule out with the Godmother to maybe watch her Thursday and Friday while he is at work so she can spend more time with him here at our home. He was a little surprised and happy. I love my husband so much that am willing to compromise with and support him with his summer visitation with his daughter but not be forced or have to sacrifice my QT time all the time. We shall see it this works out! I pray it will!
Oh this is awesome! Good
Oh this is awesome! Good solution!
Great idea!
Great idea!
LOL, I guess I am blessed,
LOL, I guess I am blessed, she is a well manner child a little spoiled but I can usually talk to her and she will listen to me. It is just I don't want to be forced into feeling obligated to babysit. After all my children are 24, 23, 21 and 19. I have paid my parenting dues. I just want to enjoy the time I have left on this earth without being forced to care for my SD!
I think it's pretty messed up
I think it's pretty messed up that he does not consider your wishes. I believe this is something that DH needs to figure out before before she comes over for the summer and before he goes to work... It is not fair for you to be stuck witht he kid. BTW it's his. Or simply have have SD stay with the mother, and if he wants to see her he can go pick her up and do things with her himself...
I know, I still feel that I
I know, I still feel that I shouldn't have to babysit at all but because his attitude shocked me when I casually asked about his plans for childcare and he didn't automatically say she would be with me, it made me willing to work with him. I can see that all the years of arguing my point must have finally sank in and I was willing to compromise and he appreciate it! I can't asked for more than that. As as step mom, having my husband value how I feel about the subject and not getting defensive like he used too made me more receptive to helping him. More husbands need to really listen to their wives and not get so defensive about the stepkids.
If your DH is supporting your
If your DH is supporting your family and your unemployed, then i guess there may be some expectation that you should be helping out in terms of taking care of the kids. If you are contributing equally, then you have no obligations at all and camp sounds like the perfect option!
I see it over and over again on this forum--DH gets his feelings hurt because SM doesn't feel the same way as he does about the skids. Remind him of the day he fell in love with them when they were babies and remind him that that doesn't happen with non-biological parents, which is why no one wants to be a foster parent. Gotta make em understand!
Oh, know! I was working and
Oh, know! I was working and making a pretty good income so I have income from my UI that I contribute to the household. Thank God!