Back on Here a Year Later. I Left HIM.
Hi Everyone,
I made my first forum discussion about a year ago needing advice. Was involved with a man for 3 years who had a 6-year-old son. I didn't end up leaving because of the child totally but was sent screenshots from some random women for the SECOND time with him basically sexting her and saying that he was in an on and off relationship with me. SMDH.....we were together the whole time and were talking about future plans and wedding plans. (little did I know what was going on behind my back)
The day we broke up about 8 months ago, I texted the BM to let her know that we were no longer together. I could not believe what she said back to me. She said she starting crying when I sent her the message, and that she knew exactly what I was going through because she found shit on his computer that showed he was cheating the entire time when he was with her. And that she knew me well enough from how I treated her son that I'm a good person and that I deserve better than him.
It's the first time I've logged back on her in almost a year and reading some of these crazy stories these people put up with. I understand everyone has a story and circumstances. I just want to say if you have any inkling of resentment or hesitation in your relationship -- be strong enough to walk away. I NEVER thought I'd be able to but always being let down and being lied to I was like I'm out. I cannot believe how FREE I feel. The guy I was with had some serious insecurity issues, jealousy, narcissistic traits, and was incapable of having an adult conversation with him regarding finances.
The thing that annoyed me the most is that he would sometimes get behind in child support payments due to switching jobs quite frequently and then I would see a check from his mom covering the payments. It really bothered me. Not like he was in his 20s. He was 31 at the time. He would accuse me of talking down to him or being his mother when I wanted to discuss finances. All I wanted was for us to have a plan and for us to budget so we could get a house/ save for a wedding. I did everything out of love for him and just wanting us to have a secure financial future.
Now I'm on my own. --- occasionally lonely but taking the time I need to heal from that dysfunctional/surface level relationship with a liar/cheater. I have complete control of my finances and what I want to save for---and will never have to deal with the crazy family dynamic that comes with dating someone with children. Some people can do it. BUT it's not for me that's for sure.
Thanks to the people that gave me advice last year-- FEELING FREE AND HAPPY ON MY OWN.
Go girl!
Go girl!
Congratulations!!! Healing
Congratulations!!! Healing from a past relationship is so important to do! Good for you, realizing your self worth!
Congratulations. Good for you
Congratulations. Good for you to be strong enough to leave a relationship that wasn't good for you. I hope you inspire others who need to leave to take that step.
Your idiot X sounds somehwat
Your idiot X sounds somehwat like my SS's Spermidiot. Though he never paid a dime of his COd CS. His mommy, the SpermGrandHag, paid it for for him for the entire 16+ years we lived under the CO.
I feel for kids who lost the parent lottery and who are cursed with half of their gene pool being polluted and shallow. We never let their excuses and bullshit stand. Kids need the facts so that they have a chance of protecting themselves from the shallow and polluted half of their gene pool.
Your post makes me feel hopeful
I am currently in a relationship that I think is very similar to what you were in. He has children that I struggle with and he is a cheater and a liar. But I haven't gotten brave enough or whatever it is I need to be to leave him yet, and I don't honestly know why. I know I would be happier but I can't do it. I hope I can follow up with a post like yours sometime.
My advice
I feel your pain.
What is keeping you around? (you deserve more than a cheater/liar)
Is potential keeping you around? That is what I got sucked in to. However, what does that perons offer you right now? right now?
Take a good, hard look at how he communicates with you TODAY. Take a good, hard look at how he treats you TODAY, how he makes you feel TODAY. Don't remain stuck in a cycle of thinking defined by asking yourself, "WILL he make me happy," instead of, "DOES he make me happy?" Don't be blindsided by potential. Look at who that person is right now instead of who they might become.
If you're holding onto hope for potential, and you're allowing yourself to be walked over or treated as second priority, then you're holding on to something and someone who isn't right for you.
See things for what they are RIGHT NOW. No beer goggles.
That is great advice. I
That is great advice. I understand what you mean by holding out for potential. Like, i've put so much into this relationship and if i leave now, what if next week/month/year things will be great if only i stay the course? What if all this work i've done sinks in, and the next woman he dates reaps the rewards (boundaries with BM, no more cosleeping, etc.) But, you are right. Someday may never come.
The "Sunk Costs Fallacy"
I'm right there with you on that...
Sunk costs certainly can be
Sunk costs certainly can be an effective decisioning tool in business. However, I would say it is never viable in relationships. If they suck so bad that it is time to end it, what has been "spent" to date is irrelevant.
We have a very good friend who was in a similar situation in her first marriage. She and her now XH were a great couple... on the surface. He was focused on his career and had several years of disppointment regarding a promotion from Assistant Principal to Principal of a HS. Over the last few years of their marriage he retreated to his basement man cave and pretty much withdrew from his marriage and their kids. When she hit her done point she and their two kids moved into an apartment ans she filed for divorce. He pretty much made no effort other than to beg to sleep with her one last time for old time sake. She laughed in his face and moved on with her life. A few days before the divorce was final his promotion came through. She did express some frustration when talking to my wife about the whole thing that all the work she put in to his career came too late.
She has remarried. Her 2nd DH was her kid's Karate instructor who was going through a divorce at the same time her divorce was progressing. She is a CPA and was a coprorate CFO. She resigned her role and she and her new DH are hip deep in bulding a fitness business. They are bvoth national champion martial artists as are her two first mariage children. They have a 4yo together daugther.
Neither his X nor hers are significantly participatory in their lives of the lifes of their first/failed family children.
She pulled the plug and started a new adventrue with a new husband. Her XH hit his career jackpot just before the divorce was final. She stayed the course with her new life. It is going great.
You did the right thing.
And next time you'll be wiser and can look for a trustworthy partner who deserves you, not this lying cheating POS.
Thanks for posting!
IM so glad that you came back and posted a positive update.
Congratulations!!!!
Keep posting if that helps - because this site has helped me so much!