I agree with Sanecatlady. But I would add another layer, I would take a photo of this conversation on my phone or something, to later show and reference as needed.

If it makes you feel any better, my husband has definitely talked about me behind my back with his grown one. That is how he ruined our relationship and, I will likely never fully trust him again--though, I think he may have stopped. How am I supposed to know for certain? Your HB has no idea what permanent damage he is doing to himself, in the end.

Stop everything, do nothing, tell lying HB off and leave this selfish kid to fend for herself. You have been very thoughtful and kind, this is what happens when you really try, unfortunately, sometimes.

He is a horrible model for his daughter. She will mirror his actions as she grows up--it will get worse.

I would make certain I saved all documentation of his lies, and bs-- in a safe place. You never know when you may need it again....lol...

First off, there would be NO More shopping trips with SD. I wouldn't take her anywhere ever again.
Secondly, You should never have had her call DH to ask him opinion. Your NO should have been enough but you told her to call DH and he totally threw you under the bus.
Third, I would call SD out on her talking crap about you. Let her know that because she has said those hurtful things about you, that you will no longer be doing her laundry, or taking her shopping or buying her favorite food.
You are trying too hard to please these children and they are taking you for granted. The more they complain, the harder you try. They see that they have that control over you.
And the FIRST time your DH got upset with you for not catering to the spawn I would have unloaded on his A$$ and told him that HE can do it all for them.
Next time they are at your house, leave and go treat yourself to a manicure without her.
Go shopping alone. Don't buy her anything.
You are clearly being ran over. And stop feeling guilty for reading the messages. Clearly they cannot be trusted.
And when DH starts asking why you are avoiding his children, tell him exactly why.

Wow. So yeah... Disengage or hell, I'd be talking to an attorney about separation or divorce.

That is just so incredibly out of line - discussing adult relationship dynamics with a young teen, bashing and allowing the child to bash a spouse, not having your back, lying, holy crap, I would lose it.

I don't know what the visitation schedule is, but dad should be finding himself way more available. No more taking her shopping for anything - you get bitten on both ends anyway and feel bad that she not appreciative, so just say no, it's not like the fall out is going to be any worse. H is already ticked at you for spending too much, SD is ticked for you spending too little.... So spend nothing. Tell H that he bites your head off every time, so obviously he thinks you're doing it wrong and he should just take over since SD is so upset.

Stop trying to win the approval of a couple bratty teenagers. She already thinks you do nothing, so do nothing. Need clean clothes? You're 14, go wash them yourself. Hungry? Go ask dad. Displeased with the general state of cleanliness - cleaning supplies are right over there. All your stuff that was lying around in the common rooms? Huh, gee, no idea where that's gone. And wow when husband asked for any sack time I'd have a really hard time not telling him to go ask his mistress.

She manipulates you and you buy it hook line and sinker then you get mad about it. So STOP!!! YOU are the adult. Quit letting yourself get played buy this manipulative scheming little shit!

"NO! We will do XYZLMNOP because abc-def. If you want what you want then you pay for it. And I don't mean call daddy to tell him you will pay him back which you never do. If he wants to do that then you and he can come back later."

Learn it, live it, love it.

There is nothing wrong with FB-ing. I often get on the computer to look at FB and find my bride's account is the one that is logged into. I usually don't stay in her account but I have on occassion read the active thread if it was interest to me. Write this off to interesting information and don't sweat it beyond that. Take care of you.

Investment in qualifications, slills, and education is never a bad thing. I would do both. Find a job, go back to school. That gives you the hight ground in the whole situation. And..... if you are working and going to school you will have far less time to take the SD's shopping. }:) BONUS!!!

IMHO of course.

Like a lot of us, you got sucked into playing Happy Family. You fell for the manipulation and pretense that often accompanies steplife. You thought you were bonding with your SD, while she merely saw you as a resource to be tapped.

The truth is, your efforts will not be appreciated by either your spouse or his kids. Your SD is using manipulation and triangulating in order to get what she wants, and her father is falling for it, big time.

It is all a game you cannot win, so why keep playing? Catering to those brats is getting you nowhere. I think I'd quietly start distancing myself from them. No more shopping trips or other treats, be civil but no more, and make "Ask your dad." your go-to response. I'd also step up the job hunting efforts. You should always have your own money, especially since your H has shown you that he is also capable of being less than loyal.

Absolutely no more shopping trips or mani/pedis with SD. You can't be the scapegoat for both of them if you are elsewhere studying.

Stop doing laundry. It's amazing how habits change when kids have to do their own laundry. No more folded clothes on the floor. I know from personal experience and laundry is a life skill everyone needs.

I agree with the other posters - get a job and go to school part-time.

As far as what your husband said about being married to you, that was cruel and so inappropriate.

Ughhhh Teenage shopping years.

My OSD was more like your SD. She felt that she HAD to have the latest, greatest, exact item that everyone else had. I remember one particular trip with her, her dad and I to find her a pair of shoes.

Mind you, she was a challenge in that area with size 10 shoes. She had to have a particular brand, model AND color of shoes. Nothing else would do and they were like 90 dollar shoes. Shoot, I will buy that brand but only when I can get them for about 40-50. But to have that popular style/color and at her bigfoot size, there were few options. We finally ordered her some online but she was so frustrating.

I remember another shopping trip on a vacation to FL. Black Fleece Northface jacket was the only suitable thing. We stopped at a store and they had a very pretty blue northface fleece but only black would do for the princess. We were in that store with her, her sister, grandparents, DH and myself for over an hour as she agonized over the thought of paying 100 dollars for a jacket with her Christmas money. I secretly believe she hoped one of us would pony up and buy it for her but none of us did. We left the store without the jacket. She was pissed and ended up getting her grandparents to drive them back home early because she was in a mood.

Sorry cupcake. In the future, she was given a set amount of money to do her school shopping. Spend it on one pricey item or 10 reasonable items, your choice honey.

I just read your "selfish husband " forum post you put up in June. :jawdrop:

That husband of your (*SMH*), your SD is the least of your problems. How much longer do you have yet to go before you finish your school? If a short time (a year?) you might finish so you'd reach your goal. If much longer than that I'd think about part time school part time work, hoarding every dime for an exit plan. Unless, of course, this is the horse's *ss you want and intend to ride out the rest of your years with.

All I'm saying is you're still fairly young, have a good another 15-17yrs before retirement and if you're thinking of moving on? Do it soon. You've got at least 30 years left that could be spent living life the way you deserve and a chance for true happiness... I don't see that for you married to this guy.

Wow, I would certainly feel a sense of betrayal in what your dh is communicating to a child. Mini-wife comes to mind! Clearly, you need to stop doing for them as it will never be good enough. My stomach got sick for your situation. Yes, it was a private conversation, and you did snoop. However, now you know where you stand and that your dh is not supportive of you at all. In fact, it sounds like he resents the fact that he is supporting you, while you are just sitting around, reading, and writing papers, just using your mind while he is bringing in the big bucks and not being able to spend it all on his dc or on himself.

Stop it with taking the mini-wife shopping. Stop doing for these feral ingrates who think of themselves as royalty in your home. Let dh do it. Disengage from them. Personally, your dh is a jerk!! He through you under the bus because your sd complained that you were not spending enough money on her and cleaning up after her.

Your SD needs the curse put on her, that's for sure. I hear by curse memyselfandI's stepdaughter. May she one day become a stepmother herself to bratty, entitled teenage girls with a guilty Disney daddy and for good measure, let their mother be a high conflict GUBM of the worst sort . There.

I think this happens more than we talk about. And I think your DH and his precious baby girl :sick: are asses. She is playing you both, and disneydaddy is falling for it. Again, not surprising.

I have seen my own SD13 do this, and I decided that I wanted no part.
A few years back we had some huge struggles happening with her, and at one point I looked at her FB on her laptop, and DH and I saw that she had been badmouthing me to everyone that listened. We were Completely shocked, because she and I had seemingly gotten on very well up until then. DH played it off, oh she's a kid she doesn't realize what she's doing. Yeah, whatever.

So my eyes were opened to her two-faced ways and I simply backed off, I don't do for her, I don't buy for her, nothing. DH doesn't get it, he blames me for being distant, and not trying. All I can say is once you reveal yourself, you have lost my trust.

OK memyself, here's my take:

Agree with others: Disengage with this kid - it's a losing proposition. Don't do anything for her again. Period. Don't be lulled into thinking it's OK if she starts wheedling and kissing up to you again. Disengage, disengage, disengage. Be civil to her but that's it. Avoid her at all costs. She is a ingrate, a backstabber, and a sh!t-stirrer.

Here's some hard truth: At the age of 53, you will get limited return on investment with any education you are currently pursuing. Sorry, but that's the cold hard truth. The job market is NOT designed to support middle-aged women, especially if they are just starting off in a new career. If you have skills, go out and get a job NOW and start stockpiling as much money as you can, as fast as you can. You will need it (and the social security input) for your retirement.

Here's some more hard truth: Your DH has betrayed you and has made allegiance AGAINST you with his daughter. That does not bode well. I suspect he is not pleased with your marriage and may be contemplating divorce, which is identified in this statement:

"Try being married to her..I work hard for my money and she questions every dime I spend."

Read that again. "Try being married to her..." That encapsulates a lot and speaks volumes - mostly that he is unhappy, too.

And then hold a mirror up for the second part "...she questions every dime I spend." That's his perspective, and to be honest, there may be some truth in that. Based on your posting above look at how much of what your wrote is about cost comparisons, how much you spent on this or that, etc.

While you say you encourage him to spend on himself, I am doubtful about that. I think some people are natural "cash registers" and you may be one of them. Not necessarily a bad thing, as it is an indicator of the capability of fiscal evaluation. But if you are a cash register, and he doesn't ring up things the same way you do, the two of you are bound to have conflict.

If you are not currently working and contributing to the pot, he may be feeling irked about that. On top of it, footing bills for schooling he is not supportive of may be causing resentment.

Even if you disengage with your SD, I would still encourage you and your DH to go to a counselor and figure out a way to deal with your finances and expectations for the future.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think the conversation between your DH and SD was right in any way. All you can do at this point is change your own behavior, get a job, and open up a better dialogue with your husband. If that doesn't work, well, at least you will have a nest egg to start over with.

SD14 was a complete ungrateful brat, and I can tell you that this greedy ingratitude is common/almost normal in most teens bio or step. My own teen daughter was the spawn of Satan from age 12 to 19, only in the last two years have the hormones settled and she's acting human again. The thing that is not at all acceptable is that DH stooped to SD's level and joined in on the jr. high gossip, when what he should have done was immediately shut it down. He's her parent but he took on the role of friend instead of father to her and husband to you.

I agree with others to get a job, full or part time, so that you are no longer at the beck and call of SD.

Don't take the bitch shopping anymore! Continue to buy the genetics and you tell that little bastard that he better not break your fridge by slamming it. If your dh decides to side with his kids taking to their defense, You don't sleep In Same bed and when he wants sex you tell him maybe he can find it somewhere else and someone else to cuddle because you don't feel loved.

Your DH is making you the bad guy by siding with his daughter. And there is no way an "adult" parent should be entertaining a conversation as such with a child. He has just reinforced her whole view no matter how distorted it may be. You cannot talk to a 14 year old about those things and then "agree" with anything - he validated every gripe she has!

If I were you, I'd get a part-time job at least and save every cent just in case you may need it later. I'd also cut out anything extra for the skids - no shopping trips, no special groceries, and absolutely NOT do their laundry. They are plenty old enough to do their own - no clean jeans or underwear, too bad! They should have washed it themselves!

It would be really hard for me to not say anything about what you read - but you CANNOT share what you read. Even though it was hurtful and eye-opening, you cannot let on like you know. You read something that was private - and we have all done that too! Bide your time, it will come out eventually. But make changes now keeping in mind with what you read.

DH will either get a clue about the girl and change - or you may need to start planning an exit strategy if this continues. Either way, get a job so you can get your own money. (((hugs)))