Bio Dad is hard to deal with
I have to get this out because I need advise/opinions. Any feedback is greatly appreciated. My wife was divorced about 5 1/2 years ago when her youngest was 1. She and I are 40 and have been married for 4 years (we have known each other for about 22 years). She had 3 kids; Girl/boy/girl, I had none coming into the relationship and now we have a son who is 3. Kids current ages are 11/8/6/3.
My wifes relationship with her ex is not good. They divorced due to his betrayal and lies and he continues to exhibit selfish, dishonest and manipulative behavior. In fact, we were forced to do a parenting evaluation last year and his personality profile was detailed as “a person who tends to manipulate the truth to make themselves look good”.
I love these kids as if they were my own flesh and blood. I know this now that we have a son together. I love them all the same.
The kids were relatively young when I first met them; 7/4/18mo and as I got to know them, our relationship blossomed. As an instant parent, I realized how much I enjoyed being part of their lives; parenting, teaching, experiencing life and playing together. We started camping, riding bikes and loving the outdoors together as a family. When the inevitable question came up as to what to call me, we suggested a cute variation of my first name. I never corrected them when one would slip and call me dad and for the first couple of years it was infrequent. They have, however, fallen into the habit of calling me dad or daddy. Especially the two younger ones. My wife has asked them if they know the difference between me and their “Real Dad” and they all know the difference. Their dad has told them they are not to call me “Dad” and they have all come to my wife confused and frustrated. The boy even went so far as to tell her that he didn’t agree with his dad and he was still going to call me dad. I told him he didn’t have to call me dad to show me that he loved me and he said he understood but still insists. Their Biodad even went as far as to tell the youngest girl when she was 5 that he was her only daddy and that she could not love anyone else. Imagine how confused that made her and it made her transitions from our house to his and back again incredibly heart wrenching.
We have the kids over 70% of the time and my wife and I handle pretty much all of the kids scheduling for doctors appointments, sports, etc… We have always provided all information about whatever team sports the kids were signed up for to her ex so that he could participate and attend practices and games. Over time, I found that it was great for each relationship to have something that I shared with each of the kids that was just for us. For the oldest boy, it was riding bikes together. This was not something he and his dad did and he told me that his dad didn’t really ride bikes. Our bike riding progressed into trying a bike race and he won. He is still racing his bike and because it is something we do together we only participate when it is on our time. Whenever any of the kids participate in a team sport that is a commitment that overlaps both parents time, we always provide all the information to her ex. My wifes ex has gotten really upset that we have not included him in the bike racing thing. We feel that it is ok for it to be something that we do with OUR family and not include him.
So he has these huge issues with the kids calling me dad, with not being included in bike racing and with me being the boy scout leader (he never stepped up). He is constantly disrespectful to my wife and the fact that it is in every ones best interests for us all to get along.
I live for these kids (all 4 of them). I treat them as my own and I don’t know any other way to be. We have felt for a long time that her ex is jealous of the life we have and my deep involvement in “his” kids lives. The kids were all pretty young when we got together and I think it has enriched all our lives that our relationships have become so deep.
The constant friction is causing me to become very resentful of this guy and although I have never spoken ill of him to the kids, I have been tempted. I just want to do the right thing for our family and we need some peace.
Jeeeeeez...
Okay, we used to be on the other side of this. My husband's ex-wife moved far away and took the kids with her. He couldn't follow. He was active duty military and, well, you go wherever they tell you to go. She remarried and the kids started calling their new step-father "Daddy." This KILLED my husband. I mean, really hurt him bad. He's a good dad while the step-father is a bad seed... beats up the mom in front of the kids, gets arrested for assualting her, is in and out of rehab and is just a jerk in general. Maybe that's the difference between your situation and ours.
In our case, I think it's totally wrong for the kids to call their step-father "Daddy" when they have a wonderful Dad who loves them very, very much and would do and has done anything for them. We've corrected them on this and asked their mother to not encourage them to call their SF this. There have been times when my skids have slipped up and called me Mama (they call their BM "Mom" or "Mommy") because that's what my children call me, and I've always been very flattered and wished it were so, but gently and jokingly reminded them that I'm their evil step-mother... mmmwwwwaaaa haaaa haaaa!
To throw in another plot twist, my oldest SD has two dads and a step-dad. (Don't ask, long story, read my bio for details.) She calls both of her dads "Dad" and they are both fine with that.
I think it's great that you love these kids as your own and God knows that can never be a bad thing, but my gut feeling from being on the other side of it is to try to find a compromise that you can all live with. Could one of you be Dad and the other be Daddy? (In the south where we came from, your father is Daddy no matter how old you are!) Or instead of Daddy, how about Daddy Joe or whatever your name is. Maybe Pop, Papa, or some other meaningful nickname to differentiate the two of you. The kids know what's what... they know that biology isn't everything and you know that, too, and that's the important thing.
Now the bike thing? He needs to get over that. If he wants to develop a bond with his children, then he can find some common ground on his own, not try to steal yours.
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
Hmmm....
To be honest StepDadof3, I ABSOLUTELY think that you are awesome! It's so great to see a StepFather take on such an active role to the point that these kids undoubtedly love you as their 'father'. The thing that's causing friction is the fact that their real father has dropped the ball, and you pick up the pieces. These kids see you as their father, and that hurts their biodad. He's insecure, which is why he presses them with the Daddy calling. Sad to me, instead of realizing that these kids have more love coming out the wahzoo and will only make them better individuals- he's more concerned about his welfare, huh. You're making him 'look bad'.
Now, the BF may see the Daddy calling as territorial and competition. Come on, your a man, you know very well that men are very competitive among each other, therefore, it's pretty obvious that he see this as treading on his 'territory'. So, he is naturally offended.
But his insecurity isn't your issue. You're just feeling the fire. It's his and his alone. The best thing you can do is keep providing these kids a safe haven to fall in. Ignore his attitude, because ultimately, he makes himself look bad and there's nothing you can do about that but keep positive comments, or say nothing at all.
I don't think there is anything wrong with having your own special event with your kids that does not include him. I have the same with my SS. But, I have recently started to encounter issues with BM, such as all of a sudden, because she is now married to a fellow with a son from a previous marriage, for some strange reason she thinks that it's okay for US to cater to HER SS... So, we find this 'extra' kid on our doorstep a lot when my SS is here. I'm not comfortable with this and when we have plans, it's very awkward to say to this 11 year old, you can't come- so what do we do... he tags along. She's too damn lazy to take this boy to this or that, and it's driving me crazy! For example, the other day, SS came over to sort out his bottles and cans. It's one way for him to earn a little extra money by collecting and saving bottles and cans from all his relatives and then DH takes him to the recycle center that pays for them. Well, his stepbrother has started to save the bottles and cans from BM's house. Because SS was coming over here, BM took it upon herself to 'include/invite' this kid to our trip to the recycle center and cart him there to 'turn in' his own bottles and cans because she's too damn lazy to do it herself. I didn't say anything, but to me, SS has A LOT of bottles and cans that usually fills up the back end of our truck... YES, that's A LOT of bottles and cans and he works hard to collect it to make some extra money for himself. So, why do we have to take his stepbrother, when did it become our responsibility?!?! So, does that mean that the next time BM is heading to the grocery store... "oh, hey by the way, pick me up some milk and eggs will ya?" And never offer to pay for it. But, if we dare say, um sorry... no, we will look bad, be labeled mean, rude, selfish, you don't want SS to have a brother, you don't want him to have a friend, they are best friends.... WHAT?!?!? Yes, this is exactly what she responded with to the camping issue last summer... Um, why does that make it necessary for US to cart him around? I don't get it.
He's not our responsibility, but I'm at a loss as to how to communicate this with my DH and SS. I know that come this summer, BM will initiate an 'invitation' to her SS on OUR camping trip... without even batting an eyelash, or asking us first... again. (She did this last summer, and we didn't even know the kid! Talk about awkward.) And when it comes to 'explaining' to her that no, we don't have the space, or money, she'll just rebuttal- as if she has any room to argue with us on OUR trip, try to turn it on us. (Well, for one thing, the last time I checked, it was OUR TRIP.) I don't want to cart this kid along to all OUR FAMILY events- it's not HER family events- it's ours. She's really trying to force and foster a happy-go-lucky-one-big-ole-happy-extended-family.
So, I can imagine how you feel about the dad tagging along. I get annoyed too, especially when I PAID for the event for everyone, spent the time, energy to participate, and BM just pops in as if it was all about her, and this was meant to be my bonding time with my SS- but there she be. So, I smile, smile, smile... grit my teeth because it's for the kids. If it makes the kids happy, then so be it. (By the way, I now have to wear a mouth piece at night because I'm grinding my teeth sooo much! Wearing out my enamel. LOL)
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...