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Birthdays / Anniversaries

grace8205's picture

Submitted by grace8205 on Fri, 10/19/2018 - 9:54pm

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General Discussion

This year my husband was out of town on my b-day for work. He generally runs his own schedule even with out of town travel. My birthday was a Monday in May and I didn’t make a big deal out of it. 

August 30th is our Anniversary and he is scheduled to go out of town, he said he needed to be in court as a representative of the company on an employment matter. Fine, ok. I am the understanding wife. 

This evening he mentions that he needs to go to a similar court thing out of town again in November. On skid’s 24th bday. He says he is going to arrange it so the lawyer just handles it. Because even skid is going to be 24 years old he has to be here for his bday. Also he has missed enough bdays over the 15 years of his job, etc. 

Since I have been around (8 years) he has not missed one of skid’s bdays. 

Its so important that he is here for skid’s bday, the same skid who does nothing for his dad’s bday, the same skid that only calls when he needs something or money. 

Meanwhile the wife that makes him dinner and lunch everyday, cleans the house and takes care of him, gets the shaft. 

It did not bug me until he was making a big deal of being here for his son’s bday, but not mine or our Anniversary. 

I am mad and hurt. Not sure if I am overreacting? Is it just me being sensitive? Curious if others would feel the same way.

thoughts please. 

ndc's picture

Submitted by ndc on Fri, 10/19/2018 - 10:46pm

I would feel the same way.  Not if he just was away for my important dates, but the fact that he has to stay for the skid's birthday.  I'd call him on it.  Otherwise it's just going to fester.

 

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Sat, 10/20/2018 - 2:39am

For sure you are not overreacting - if anything I think you are UNDERreacting.  I would do what sybarite suggests, only I wouldn't wait until he brings it up - I would bring it up myself with high priority as they say on email, lol.  

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Sat, 10/20/2018 - 8:31am

I don't give a hoot about birthdays or anniversaries (my own, that is), but that would annoy me. For a 5-year-old, maybe, but a 24-year-old who treats him badly? 

My biggest issue would be that he's such a spineless wimp that he lets his son treat him badly and still makes a big show out of his birthday.   Yuck.

grace8205's picture

Submitted by grace8205 on Sat, 10/20/2018 - 8:34am

Thanks everyone. 

I will be reminding DH out of the last 8 years he hasn’t missed on of skid’s bdays just mine. And from now on he will not miss any of theses special days, he needs to at least prioritize his wife over anyone and everything else. 

 

STaround's picture

Submitted by STaround on Sat, 10/20/2018 - 10:41am

Even if they are adults, they are still his kids.  Many people do more for kids than for partner's birthdays?  What do you do for his?  Everyone is different, but I would be OK with doing my Bday/anniversay on another day. 

marblefawn's picture

Submitted by marblefawn on Sat, 10/20/2018 - 11:12am

I wouldn't bring up the kid's birthday when you have this chat. That will just put your husband on the defensive and make it a "me versus them" thing. And after all, what you really want has nothing to do with the skids -- you just want your special days to actually be special.

Tell him you want to start making your birthdays and anniversaries special again so ask if he will please not schedule anything that interferes with a proper celebration. Tell him now and remind him frequently. But resist bringing up what he does for his skids. That never turns out well.

strugglingSM's picture

Submitted by strugglingSM on Sat, 10/20/2018 - 11:50am

I’d be just as upset as you...maybe moreso.

BM has a knack for trying to reschedule on weekends that are my birthday, our anniversary, etc (I.e. at the last minute needing to switch weekends). If she wasn’t such an idiot, I’d think she was doing this on purpose and for our first anniversary, I think she did (she could remember the date because the year before, we took SSs out of state for the wedding), but I don’t believe she’s smart enough to remember either day now.

Fortunately, DH has asked MIL or BIL to take the kids and they have (while also judging DH for prioritizing my birthday or our anniversary - but that’s a different story).

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Wed, 10/24/2018 - 12:05pm

At some point DH's lack of a clue or grey matter regarding your BD or significant marrital milestones (anniversaries) will give a clear picture of his lack of value for you or the relationship. That  he has no problem recalling or recognizing the BDs of his spawn and putting  you last on the list behind work and his spawn has to be giving you clarity on where you stand.

So, why are you still in this marriage?  I have not been present for a number of my bride's BDs or our anniversaries due to international assignments, business trave, her visiting her family, etc, etc, etc... .for damned sure I have called her, had flowers delivered, and when we were next together I planned a trip or weekend for us to be together and delivred on amazing restaurants and a significant gift.

I have no BKs. My bride brought the Skid to our marriage.  That did not prevent us from making each other and the marriage our sole and unequivocal top priority. Of course kids are the top marrital responsibility and they should be. But they never trump the partner or the marriage as priority.

If one partner prioritizes any children but for the purposes of this discussion their prior relationship spawn over their spouse... .it is time for a call to the locksmith to rekey the locks and let that STBX go live with their spawn. Partciularly if those spawn are adults.

IMHO of course.
 

Take care of you.