I would say just impart to them the importance of doing it even when they are left to do it on their own at BM's house. They're young but not too young for responsibility when it comes to personal hygiene. I'm sure as children who mostly are used to being fresh and clean, they are not keen to showing up at school looking like bums either. Just let them know that when they're not at home it's their job to make sure they take care of themselves in that area. Make it something like, this is a new step for them in learning how grown ups do things. Might take a while but will be easier than trying to teach the old dog a new trick. (BM changing her ways)

I agree. I understand fully about not wanting the kids to look like you picked them up at the homeless shelter and dropped them off at school but blah is right. You will not ever control what goes on at BM's house, you can only try to teach the Skids to take care of themselves and hope for the best. You may try a really cool new toothbrush or toothpaste and see if that sparks any interest for them.

~Evil

Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
Confucius

We have been working on this for 4 yrs now...EOW & holidays. SS's are now almost 15 & 12. They still come here wearing dirty clothes, hair not washed for days at a time and now we are into the BO smell because of the hormones. Sometimes their feet smell so bad you can't even sit next to them when they first get here. Right away baths are run, kids washed and clothes put in the laundry. We go over and over with them that they are older now and it is up to them to keep themselves clean. (It was never BM's job obviously or they wouldn't have ended up this way!) The youngest hasn't had even a trim in 1.5 yrs and NEVER combs his hair, always looks as though he has climbed out of bed. Personally I can't figure out why BM does not keep on them about this, she herself is always clean.

We have started using a logical approach that pretty much forces the kids to make choices about all kinds of things. When we just told them a million times to do something it seems like they could never remember. Now what we do is something similar to this:

Are you going to be stinky tomorrow or smell good? (Good) Oh? How are you going to do that (take a bath tonight? ) Good idea. Why don't you take care of that now.

If bedtime is approaching and they haven't showered, one of us will say to the other. "hmmmmmm, I guess ss is going to be stinky at school tomorrow" Since they are ALWAYS listening to fiance and I, when they overhear they run out of the room and go shower.

After a few times of backhanded reminders, they haven't had to be told to take a bath in weeks now.

This approach is working on EVERYTHING from laundry, to complaints about dinner. Leaves it up to them (within reason) and lets them feel like a part of the decision. I am feeling so much better because I hate hounding them and seeing their irresponsibility. We have informed them that if they leave their belongings lying around they will be put in a "holding area" until the next garbage day at which time the holding area will be emptied with the trash. Guess what? After a few insignificant items got thrown out, that area rarely even gets full. No more shit cluttering up the floors.

We also "let" them learn about library fines - We had a family discussion about library books and when they were due. The kids were told that we would take the books back for them while they were gone if the books were left in a certain spot. Well, the kids didn't leave the books in the right spot, so they had to pay the fines. Lesson learned and they tend not to forget more than once. The key is that you have to mean what you say and not keep reminding them. For some reason, it jump starts them thinking about consequences and that there isn't always going to be someone around who will bail them out of the situation. I have been MUCH less stressed since we started operating this way. We have had some pretty hilarious moments when we see the faces they make as it dawns on them.