BM Boundaries
Anyone out here in stepparent-land have any advice or resources on setting boundaries for the BM? The DH and I both come from divorced families and so have experience in boundaries and communications with the "other household". The BM has admitted to my DH that she doesn't trust me yet (its been almost 2 years) and thinks I am too "rules focused" in our home. If the lifestyle and parenting style in our home is agreed upon by my DH and I together, how can we tell the BM to bud out without ruining open communication channels and positive coparenting relations? The BM is big on reading divorce books and parenting books right now. Is there something out there that we (me, DH, BM) could read that will help with making clear boundaries about who sets rules/expectations/lifestyle at whos homes? Thanks!
Yeah, it's called mind your
Yeah, it's called mind your own effing business...
Just kidding. I don't have any constructive advice. It just drives me batty when BM's try to control what happens in our homes.
This ^^^^^^ SO had a "talk"
This ^^^^^^ SO had a "talk" with BM shortly after I moved in and BM told him all this crap about me. He told me thinking I would be mad at her. I lit into his ass. That was the last talk he had with BM where I was the topic }:)
When BM used to try to talk
When BM used to try to talk shit about me, DH would let her talk and then very calmly say "first of all, I am not her DADDY, why are you tattling on her? And second, why would I believe ANYTHING you have to say, there are reasons why I left you and one of them is because you are a LIAR".
Get the book "No One's The
Get the book "No One's The Bitch". In it there are guidelines and rules for approaching this kind of thing. You can simply copy and send the parts to her that you would like her to read, and if she's really on the kick of reading self help in blended family books, then it might help.
Wow. Thanks everyone for the
Wow. Thanks everyone for the passionate responses. I guess my situation is different than most in that we (me, dh, bm and her bf) communicate regularly about the kids. In response to some of the above, my dh was not "discussing" me with her. She texted both of us yesterday about a parenting book she was reading, recommending it. I came to find out at the end of the night that she ended my dh's text different than mine by sharing her trust issue, asking if he thought I loved the kids (which does piss me off), but my dh is very supportive and protective of our relationship and chose not to discuss that with her.
My relationship with the bm is very amicable, I have no problem conversing with her, especially if we need to work a solution to a problem that spans both households for the kids. I just don't think she understands that coparenting is a businesslike relationship and that she can't have a friendship with me or the dh or any kind of relationship that puts anyone in a posiition to dictate the others life choices. Thank you Thatonegirl. I will look into that book asap. I appreciate the recommendation.
Good to know there is a book
Good to know there is a book out! I have read the website, noonesthebith.com and liked it. I actually sent the link to my bio-kids' SM to try and get her to talk to me about it, but she was not responsive. As a BM, who now has an ok relationship with the SM, i can say that it is a weird relationship, not business, not friendship - but it has to be built on great respect for each other's boundaries. Which is a work in progress. It is natural to have suspicions, she did not volunteer to raise kids with you, for me it is all about how it is handled. I also think it is better to have the communication flow just between the two of you, taking the DH out of the equation. I have zero interest in talking to my ex. He is pretty useless as a co-parent. So i would rather talk to her but she has yet to not tread on my turf.
Good luck to you, i definitely think peaceful co-existence is the way to go.
I have a very amicable
I have a very amicable relationship with BM. I talk to her every single day... but I still have to remind her of BOUNDARIES every now and again.
For example, she will just walk right on up the stairs to our house and go in to SS's room. I am not ok with that. So I have to tell her "that's NOT ok, I know we get along, but we still need our privacy".