BM is critical...do I finally defend myself?
I apologize in advance, this is long, but I have to give a bit of history for this to make sense.
My bf and I have been living together for 4 years. He's divorced and has 2 kids (ages 9 and 11). We also have a child together. BF's kids' stay with us at least 50% of the time. BM has a bf whom she lives with as well.
My bf has a decent relationship with the BM; bf hates confrontation and is often a doormat so things usually work in BM's favor. Bf's focus is to keep things civil for the kids, I can appreciate that but sometimes you need to stand up to a bully (ie:BM)
I have no communication with BM whatsoever, we do not speak, I don't acknowledge her. I choose to have things this way. I simply have no respect for her. She's taken advantage of my bf (as well as myself) especially financially. He pays her alot in cs, slightly less than if she had the kids full custody. Again, we have them at least 50% of the time! She purposely only works part-time so she collects a bigger cs cheque and increased government benefits. She likes her free money. It's incredibly frustrating, we are barely getting by and here she is taking trips, buying new clothes, getting pedicures and manicures, etc. BF also has to pay for extra curricular activities, this is the only way she would sign the divorce. I have a lot of resentment because it's just not fair that she gets away with this.
Over the last 3 years, she has voiced her dislike for me. My bf and I raise the kids differently in our home, we have rules and I guess the kids go back to BM and tell her this. She's not much of a disciplinarian. She's complained that the kids don't like me, that my bf only says or does something because I'm telling him to do so, that I'm not involved enough in the kids lives, that I should be more civil with her and talk to her, etc.. I am the problem to everything in her eyes.
I've kept my mouth shut for the last 3 years, however I am becoming more and more resentful. I want to tell her how I feel and why I do what I do. I wrote her an email which I have yet to send her. I do not have my bf's approval as he feels this will make things difficult for him in future dealings with BM. I just can't take it anymore. She can say whatever she wants about me and I'm supposed to stay quiet? I know this sounds immature but it's important that she knows where I stand. I think it will help me to let go of the resentment. It's affecting our relationship and I just don't know if I can live like this for the rest of my life ( we plan on getting married).
Any advice is appreciated.
If this is affecting your
If this is affecting your relationship now, send that email and see how that works out. Your boyfriend is right, it will make things harder for him, she will absolutely bad mouth you even more to the kids, they will bring a pretty bad attitude to your place, even worse than it is for you now, which is incredibly unfair on the kids, yours included. And why, because you want to get back at her. Is it worth it, really.
Your resentment is tinged by jealousy of her lifestyle and divorce agreement. Your boyfriend didn't have to agree to her terms, it was just easier for him to go along with it. He could change the cs payments if he wants to, but hey, it's easier not to. Don't blame her for your boyfriends choices, and they are his choices.
He is choosing to pay more child support than he has to, your family misses out because of that, and it allows his ex a cushy lifestyle, that's his choice. Your anger is misplaced. If you never speak to her, who is repeating what she supposedly says. Whoever it is , is adding fuel to the fire. If it is the kids, your boyfriend could easily shut them down with, this is our home, not bms we do it differently here and we don't want to hear how BM feels, end of discussion. He needs to keep that up for as long as it takes. If its him, why is he causing extra problems for you by repeating this crap, and you could shut him down the same way.
DON'T SENT THAT EMAIL It will
DON'T SENT THAT EMAIL
It will be a huge mistake.
Who keeps telling you what BM
Who keeps telling you what BM says?
That is the person you need to deal with, not BM. Let him/her know that you don't give a damn what BM says about you.
Really, no good will come of
Really, no good will come of it. People like her will just use that against you, also.
You have nothing to defend, just let her continue to look like the angry, bitter ex that she is and you continue being who you are, which is better than her.
Your BF is part of the problem, you know that, right?
" I know this sounds immature
" I know this sounds immature but it's important that she knows where I stand. I think it will help me to let go of the resentment. It's affecting our relationship and I just don't know if I can live like this for the rest of my life "
BM does not care 'where you stand'. Not one twit. Sending this email would be like giving a drunk a drink. She'll be thrilled and have extra fuel to ignite her flames. How will that help you let go of resentment? You think she speaks poorly of you now, just wait until you give her more ammunition.
Besides, it's not what she thinks of you that you resent. It's the fact that she has more disposable income (regardless of how she gets it) than you that is the real culprit of your resentment. She has. You do without. That's not going to change no matter how much 'defending' you do of yourself in any email.
There's nothing you can do to control the way BM lives and/or spends money. Whatever is in that divorce agreement your husband willingly signed. Like it or not, your husband's agreement to items with his signature means whatever DH is now giving her in way of CS and additional funding for the children means he choose to do every bit of it. He also choose to go on and have other children with you which added to his financial 'burden'. DH knew what was going to be coming out of his pocket already when he took up a relationship with you and decided to have a child with you. BM had nothing at all to do with DH choosing to add on. You're directing your frustrations at the wrong person. DH has made his own choices. I can only assume it is also DH now repeating things to you that his ex says.
Perhaps it's your DH you need to discuss 'where you stand'. Doing it to BM will just bring you more heartache. Your Dh would be responsible for paying out whatever was originally agreed to and according to your CS laws regardless if he had not never met you and began building a family with you. Whatever expenses DH now have on addition to his prior obligations have nothing to do with BM.
^^couldn't have said it
^^couldn't have said it better!
I guess my problem is that I
I guess my problem is that I was raised to be self sufficient and not take advantage of others, I shouldn't expect the same from BM or anyone else for that matter. I have issues with those that don't work in order to gain extra cs or welfare, might as well call it that. People that lie to get more, I have nothing but disgust for. Bf chose to have children with a lowlife and now deals with those consequences. I guess the only way I can escape this, is to leave.
I make a very good salary, I don't need help from bf or anyone else for that matter. It isn't jealousy, it's disgust. What kind of example is she setting for her kids? Why do we have to be the ones picking up the slack? Those are just a few reasons why I choose not to get involved with her. There's no need to.
I don't need to be bashed by someone who really has no meaning in my life. Thank you for making me see that. I now realize I am not made to deal with this, and I think it's best I remove myself from this relationship. Thanks for everyone's input.
>>I have issues with those
>>I have issues with those that don't work in order to gain extra cs or welfare, might as well call it that. People that lie to get more, I have nothing but disgust for.<<
I have issues with people who can't stand up for themselves. People that allow themselves to be taken advantage of - i.e. pay more than the court ordered CS- I have a hard time respecting.
You can see the handwriting on the wall and are able to recognize that you can't deal with this type of situation. Good for you!
I hear you. Sad part that
I hear you. Sad part that he's paying her what the law states. It's based on incomes. The government has a cs table that the courts go by...until she makes more money or becomes an honest person, he's screwed. However, I have to think of myself and I realize more and more I can't live a life surrounded with resentment and unhappiness.
I know EXACTLY how you feel.
I know EXACTLY how you feel.
My DH pays almost 1k a month for ONE kid, plus he carries skid & bm on his health insurance. He however (THANK GOD!) doesn't give that pos a penny above what he is CO'd to pay for CS. As if that amount isnt bad enough to have going out of your household, if he gave her any more I would probably leave, I get that what he pays isnt HIS choice, he is being ORDERED to pay it, I am just so furious with the so-called "Justice" system we have to deal with that seems to like to stick it to men/ncp imho. We are working on getting the cs lowered since it was based on him working his ass off while they were still married. (Here's hoping!)
I feel the same way, I can't stand people that intentionally leech off of the Govt or do whatever they can to get as much money as possible from their ex/ncp by NOT working or being dishonest...it burns my ass to the max! My dh's ex has 5 kids from 4 different men, she uses that to her benefit believe me! We too just get by and she of course has money to tan, hair done, nails, new vehicles often, latest gadgets, name brand everything it is very infuriating and I too experience resentment, bitterness, etc. I wish skid and bm didn't exist I hate this bullshit that much!
But I love my dh, he is a great provider and does everything he can to take care of our family and household and I admire that. He knows he fucked up by getting with her and marrying her and that it was a poor choice and he is accepting and dealing with the consequences of that and trying his hardest to not let me and our household become affected by it. He wishes that he could give me the life I deserve and want but its just not possible right now because of the bs CS he is ordered to pay. It upsets him because he knows that I am a good woman and that I love him etc. but I know that someday we will have the life we deserve and the finances will be there...no more supporting POS BM lifestyle and our household going without! I CAN'T FUCKING WAIT!!!!!
I understand your disgust and
I understand your disgust and your issues. However, I think you need to let it go. The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. I think a point of indifference is what you need to work toward with BM. Just stop letting yourself care. You are not the same person, no reason to compare what she does/does not have/do/etc. Live your life the way you want and ignore, ignore IGNORE. Her actions, words, and the way she lives isn't going to change regardless of the email you send or what your BF says to her. The only thing you can do is change your outlook on the situation. She does not matter. Her opinions do not matter. The way she lives her life, does not matter. You, your family, your views, they are what matters in your house and your family. Focus on that alone.
As soon as you start
As soon as you start defending yourself, you're giving her words substance.
There's no point. Don't give her that platform.
If she wants to criticize, she'll do it regardless of truth. If she said the sky was red, would you feel compelled to argue with her? Just because she says it, doesn't make it so, & any reaction from you is going to drive her to dig her heels in deeper.
Focus on you & your home. That's the best to live.
Obviously you occupy her thoughts. Be glad you're so worthy of that space.
Don't give her that worth in yours.
The ex in our situation is a
The ex in our situation is a liar, but, it's hard to prove. She'll take a kernel of truth, exaggerate it and run with it as gospel. People believed it because:
1) They couldn't understand why would she lie about something like that
2) The kernels of truth were true
3) She said it with such conviction and emotion
But ... I have always made sure that she didn't know me. I am a name, a face ... she doesn't know my Achilles heel. Then she started going after my teen daughter. Why? Because she knew it would get to me.
Did it? Yes. But there was only one way to deal with it, hand it over to the lawyer and contact the school to keep her away from my kid as much as possible.
I've read thru all the
I've read thru all the comments here and all I can say is listen to these ladies. I know Bm here can't stand me but do I give a rats ass? Nope. She can talk all the shit she wants about me but at the end of the day, I could really give a shit what she thinks because other than having to occasionally hear about the bullshit she pulls my life is pretty good. Sending that email will only fuel the fire for your crazy Bm and she'll Pas those kids even more (I'm assuming there's PAS going on, correct me if I'm wrong.) and it'll start a shit storm that you probably don't want. For a lack of better words, fuck that bitch, carry your head high, and be happy that you're awesome enough for her to hate on.
Absolutely agree! My BM is a
Absolutely agree! My BM is a freakshow, remarried and 2 more kids with this new idiot. She hates me and we haven't spoken in 2yrs.
DO NOT SEND... I love what Stormabruin said above- "Obviously you occupy her thoughts. Be glad you're so worthy of that space. Don't give her that worth in yours."
I am making this my mission statement!
Earlier this year BM went nuts (out of the blue) and did something and I had to call the police. The police wanted to arrest her, I said no. I said, "just make sure she understands this will NEVER happen again and if it does, I won't hesitate to press charges."
In the last 9 months, it has been a rollercoaster of hell. I'm the evil one who "wants Mommmmmmmmyyyyyyyy to go to jail" and she has completely turned the entire situation to her advantage. SD13 won't see DH as she blames him for me "calling the cops on her mommmmmmyyyyyy."
I kept my mouth shut for years because it would unleash fresh hell for my husband every time. She went too far and while I don't regret putting her down like the dog she is, I feel horrible for my husband who bears the brunt of her wrath.