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BM has DH on speaker phone

minty_express's picture

So after two years of fighting to have any contact with the his children to another relationship, DH is now allowed to call his kids. But BM has him on speaker phone so she can cut in and mock my husband and yell her opinion. SD is 12 and is a miniBM and calls her father a loser and repeats everthing BM says. Two younger kids (3 & 5) love their dad and ask about their father and my 9 month old daughter. But BM has banned this topic and threatens to hang up the phone. Anything he says to his kids has a snide remark to follow in the background. Also yells bitter abuse examples:

"You never did that for these kids"
"You're a s*** father"
"Don't talk about that none of us care"
"You're a loser"

So in the end DH patiently says goodnight and hangs up, which upsets the children but whats worse? Speaking to their daddy and hearing their mum be abusive?

And then my husband will recieve an abuse text saying he didnt talk to them long enough and now they are upset. He has tried saying "I'm talking to my kids, not you" but that fires her up more!Advice!!!!

pastepmomof3's picture

BM needs to butt out. Unfortunately there's nothing that he can do to MAKE her stop listening and interjecting her poisonous opinions, other than tell her that he wants to talk to his kids without her running the conversation. Does he get to see them at all?

My SD15's BM used to put my DH on speaker phone when he'd call - she never said anything but you can always tell when you're on speaker phone so he was very cautious with his conversations. Not that he was worried he would say something wrong, but that BM is a manipulative spineless biotch who would use anything against him.

LizzieA's picture

Can you record this? This is blatant attempts to screw up DH's relationships with kids. Document, document. Then take her to court and play those lovely tapes.

stepmasochist's picture

This is what I thought reading this. At the very least, he should tell BM that he will be recording the conversations. Send her a definition of PAS and tell her he will seek legal remedy if necessary. What she's doing is child abuse.

mommylove's picture

I think that what this CP BM is doing to your H is ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE and definitely Textbook PA!

However, though clearly NOT the situation in this case, I just wanted to say that there are other reasons why a CP might want to put an NCP on speakerphone during calls with the child. In my case BS6 just met his Bio this year, so any calls prior to that were like letting a child speak to a stranger on the phone, so I suspect many CPs would want to monitor those conversations. Also, BS6 was a young child who really was not a conversationalist, so ocassionally I would have to "help" BS with the appropriate response to answer a questions because the Bio doesn't know anything about children and has never bothered to learn, so sometimes the Bio would ask questions that were beyond the scope of BS6's understanding, but I've NEVER interjected my own feelings into a conversation between BS6 and Bio - that would just be inconsiderate of BS6's feelings! On the contrary, now I actually go out of my way to "remove" myself from the conversation as much as possible now that BS6 is older, but I still keep them on speakerphone to not only monitor anything inappropriate that the Bio might say to BS6, but also so that the Bio can hear what's going on the background and know that I am NOT injecting my thoughts and opinions into the conversation.

You see, PA can work BOTH WAYS, and BS6's Bio is the type that would say things to BS6 like "I would see you more/do more for you but your Mommy takes all my money in CS", etc. and believe you me THAT IS PA too! As a matter of fact, the reason I HAD to start putting the calls on speaker is because the Bio put a relative of his on the phone once, a complete stranger to BS6, and this woman proceed to ask BS6 questions about ME and telling BS6 that I was keeping the Bio from him, etc! Yes, that punk Bio put a stranger on the phone with a 6yo child (who the Bio himself was still a stranger to as well at that point) to do his dirty work that he obviously didn't have the balls to address with me! This left my child very confused, visibly upset and unable to respond, so when I took the phone I heard her still talking and saying these things and I sent BS6 upstairs to his room immediately and I cussed that *itch out street style and warned Bio that if he ever tried anything like that again his phone privileges would be REVOKED!

minty_express's picture

Thanks for your responses...

Sadly talking to his kids over the phone is the only contact he can have at the moment other from posting them suprises now and then. They live in a town far away and when we have forked out hundreds of dollars for him to fly to visit them she denies him access. She says that the kids are busy. one time while he was there he drove past the house when they were "busy" and saw his 5 year old daughter playing in front garden. She saw him and ran over but the mother pulled her inside while giving my DH the finger. The definition of self absorbed bitterness right there. We cant afford family court right now, Dh signed up for mediation parenting with her but she never turned up. My husband has said he will take her to family court so kids can stay with us in school holidays, but she said she would fight to the grave to stop this from happening.
It breaks my heart to see my husband so upset. He loves our daughter and our life... but a piece of his heart is missing for his other children Sad