bonding with stepmother
I am a 23 yo only child of my parent's marriage. They divorced when I was 5 and my eventual step mother (Sophie) came into my fathers life within about a year. I always felt a lot of resentment and hatred toward her. From my end I felt that Sophie she was preventing my father from going back to and taking care of my mother, who I realized later had deep psychological issues and was extremely manipulative, but was genuinely sad after the divorce and talked about my dad a how she loved him.
I lived with my father and Sophie half of the time and never accepted her. Eventually after a brutal year of abuse from my mother I moved in with my father and Sophie full time when I was 12. When Sophie gave birth to my father's second child, my little brother, I felt that Sophie served a purpose in my life now, to mother my little brother, and I felt less animosity for her.
After being asked to leave the house when I was 18 because of my behavior, I moved back in when I was 20 and had straightened out some. I began renting the basement apartment and cooked/cleaned/lived independently which I do to this day.
Sophie is a wonderful person, kind, a fantastic mother, supportive, athletic, funny, has interesting hobbies, many qualities that I look for in a woman. So I appreciate who she is. I would like to improve my relationship with Sophie, but after so many years of tension and strife it will take focussed effort to do so.
From a step parent's perspective, how would you suggest I go about strengthening our bond? I have decided to start learning about Sophie's favorite hobby (astrology) and have asked that I come upstairs and help her prepare meals, so that I can learn from her and do something together.
What is it that essential in the step parent/child relationship? Are there specific things that I have to convey to show that I accept her in the family?
Any and all comments are welcome.
hello I am a step mom and bio
I can't tell you what to do or what will make your bond with this woman better, but I can tell you I am sure one thing is go to her and talk to her about all the bad and the positives from the years. Explain your feelings of resentment and why and all that.. Just open up to her and also Be yourself.. It sounds like you had a revolation.. I think that is wonderful.
I am hoping that someday I will be known simply as ****** my step mom. With out the evil on it. I know my SK probably think that if I were not there that there dad would be with there mom. But there is noway he would go back to her. So as they grow I hope they come to your views.. My SS is 21 going on 22, I might be waiting on him for awhile.. LOL..
I think just go to her and talk about the past, present and future and you will imporve your relationship with her all together.. She will find a new respect for you and love.. and a better relationship will form..
Best of luck to you..
Happy
The other side...
Hello Kafka,
Love the name, are you a fan? Sorry back to topic. When I read your posting I was struck by the sincere feeling that you expressed. You should give yourself high marks for coming to this awareness at your age. It is wonderful.
While I cannot give you advice about what would work with your SM because I don't know her. I can tell you what it is like being a SM with a SD with whom I am not bonded. I can also share with you how I would love to proceed with my own SD. Maybe it will help you come up with some creative ideas. Although I really think you're on the right track with all the ideas you've mentioned above.
I have a non-existent relationship with my oldest SD (27). Unlike your situation there was never any bad behaviour on her or my part that caused this divide. Regardless, we do not have a connection. That is after years of my supporting her and her life choices. Which btw resulted in her living the life that she presently loves.
My goal is to open up the lines of communication and let her know that there is no resentment or bad feelings. I agree with Happy that being yourself and being honest is the best way to move forward. I know that no matter what her reasons it no longer matters. What matters is what we do moving forward. For me that means starting slowly and building to a good bond. Any action she took that clearly indicated to me that she wished to be closer is welcome. That may mean you find out what sign you are and what sign Sophie is and read her some of the wacky astrology readings online or in the paper. I've found that laughter is a great glue! I think your idea about cooking with her is stellar! That gives you both a place to create something wonderful that the entire family shares in. What a great idea!
For me it is always the small things that mean the most. When my other SD calls me to say she wants to go have coffee. Or my SS asks me if he can bring me something from the store. When my other SS puts something green on his plate. All of these are the building blocks of our bond. That is how I look at it. Every action is a building block for our relating to one another. I've found that their kindness to me has the most profound effect upon our relationship. It lets me know that my feelings matter to them and then I get to strengthen that by letting them know how much their feelings matter to me. By giving me the opportunity to share myself with them we create the bond together.
I don't know if this helps but I can sure tell you that I am impressed with the insight you have into your own being. And I think you are right on track with building a good bond with Sophie. Good luck to you!
Thought I would leave you with one of my favorite Franz quotes:
"Anyone who keeps the ability to see beauty never grows old."
Just simply tell her how you feel...
Let me tell you, I think one of the best and simplest things you as a step child can do for a step parent is simply and utterly tell them how you feel, be true and genuine. And if you truly feel blessed to have them, by all means, please do not hold back those affections. For me, that is one of those silent killers. My SS is so afraid to show me affection because he is afraid it is taking away from his BM... which is just not true. It's a double edge sword for all of us.
I don't mean any disrespect but, one thing that would probably help more than you would ever know, is a serious heart felt apology, one that really comes from the heart, genuine. You also have to seriously forgive yourself and her too. I wouldn't dread on the past, but make it a point to move forward. It's like it's time to put all your cards out on the table, and wipe the slate clean. Once you have worked out those issues, DON'T keep bring things back up, let it all go.
My mother divorced my father when I was young, 6 I think, she met a fellow when I was about 8 or 9, and remarried when I was about 10. I hated my SF. He is another story, but he was abusive towards me and my mother. She eventually divorced him. Meanwhile, when I was 16, I finally moved in with my father. I hated, despised and resented my mother for YEARS and blamed her for the way that my SF treated me, for meeting my SF, marrying him etc. A couple of years after living with my father, my mother finally divorced my SF, she had been in the process for years, they were separated, then they get back together because SF manipulated her, etc etc... finally, she got a divorce.
She had no place to go, so she ultimately ended up with us. (I think I was about 18 or 19 at that time.) She wanted to be as far away from my SF as she could, and well, we were as far as she could be from SF, (we lived on the west coast, she was on the east coast... about as far as you can get without going across the globe.) plus she was having her own issues with separation anxiety from me. (She had never been away from me like this before.) My parent's divorce was amicable. They just grew apart. They got married to young, he was military, she didn't like the life style, they weaned away, and they got divorced too fast, didn't work things out.
Well, I didn't want anything to do with her, wouldn't have anything to do with her as soon as I had moved, and didn't talk to her. But when she came to live with us, which is a whole other story, I literally ignored her, behaved badly, thought I had the world by the ass, etc etc but I too, like you, came around and realized that my mother had her own demons to face. It took me a long time to realize this too. ( I started to realize things at about 23, same as you, but it really came through at about 25 or 26.) I too had to start a journey of healing and bonding, so I can tell you, the best thing is simply doing, talking and genuinely sharing with her.
Today, my mother and I (34) are as we should be... mother and daughter. I love her very much and we do a lot of things together. So, move on your own pace and take it slow, but it will happen.
What would work for me..
What would work for me..
If you wrote her a nice long detailed letter.. In that letter, thank her for all of the wonderful things she did for you (better late than never), let her know that while you didnt appreciate them then (and why you didnt, or felt you couldnt) you do now. And tell her how much she means to you and then at the very end of the letter, ask her if you can start all over again, w/a fresh slate. Love, Kafka
That would make my heart melt.
I would share
I would share the way you feel, why you realize now that you're older what a wonderful person she is, that your father seemed to chose wisely- this woman who would become a mom to his kids. I would for sure tell her that you so admire her that you think of her as a standard of the kind of woman you would love to find yourself. I don't know her but I can tell you...that one will make many a woman cry. It is the greatest compliment you could bestow. Actually, I would buy her a simple Holiday card and in it include everything you wrote above. Your words are perfect. It is the letter all SM's universally wish they would receive.
My SD feels love/hate toward me. If she is getting along with her BM everything I do is ridiculous, mean, etc. If her mom is ignoring her (happens about 80 percent of the time) she goes through stages of grabbing onto me for dear life/ and pushing me away hard b/c she wishes she could have this kind of love from her BM. It's tough. But as I wrote on another post -SD wants to do something creative with her life- be a writer/performer/photographer...all characteristics of mine she wishes to explore. Her mom is a nurse and SD has no interest in that field so far. I think you sharing your SM's interests is another wonderful compliment. You are letting her know how much you value the things she values.
You are on a wonderful path. I think it's amazing what happens as we grow up and learn what sacrifices our parents made to teach us how to be independent and loving adults.
Good luck!
Peace, love, and red wine