Borderline Personality Disorder
Just curious, how many people are dealing with an ex who has either been diagnosed with or is suspected of having borderline personality disorder?
In my case, BM has not been officially diagnosed, but three separate counselors have told me that she seems to exhibit "borderline tendencies" and two counselors told DH during their marriage that he should file for divorce because she was abusive to him. p
She has engaged in risky behavior (she has a gambling problem and has cheated on her taxes, even though she's a CPA), has had problems with binge eating and binge buying, when she met DH she treated him as if he walked on water and a few years in saw him as the devil incarnate, she has anxiety attacks and paranoid delusions, she has a tendency toward angry explosions and meltdowns over seemingly inconsequential things, she is extremely manipulative and lies about things that can easily be verified as false, she has taken illegal prescription drugs, she has an enmeshed relationship with one of her children leading both of them to act as if they won't survive being away from one another even for a day.
She is what would be considered a high-functioning borderline, so most of her friends and many of DH's family members would think I was crazy if I told them I thought she had a personality disorder, but when you dig beneath the surface, the cracks start to show for her.
No. BioHo is a narcissist.
No. BioHo is a narcissist. That's bad enough.
OMG yesssss. FDH and I are
OMG yesssss.
FDH and I are convinced that BM has BPD. She is extremely manipulative to SD3 and was to FDH for a long time prior to me arriving in the picture. She too will have spells of being an absolute lunatic, texting FDH up to 200 times a day. Telling him how horrible of a dad he is, creepy and a shtty person. She has everyone around her convinced that FDH and I are the problem and we are psycho and crazy. Thankfully now we only have a judge to convince.
FDH and BM tried family maintenance shortly after their break up and that counselor was shocked at what she saw and the amount of sick text messages she would send FDH. Unfortunately none of that is valid in court.
Our atty has advised us to get an eval on her to prove her BPD. Too bad that costs 10k!
There have been times when i questioned even continuing on because i don't know that i can deal with her crazy for a lifetime. I know it wont end when SD turns 18.
I feel for you.
I'm curious... How does your
I'm curious... How does your attorney suggest you go about forcing BM to be tested?
It wouldn't be a force, she
It wouldn't be a force, she would have to agree and it would also put FDH and i through the same testing. BM's true colours and agenda would show, and guaranteed she would agree to it because she thinks we are the insane ones.
Price is getting in the way.
Unfortunately, some people
Unfortunately, some people are able to take those kinds of tests and fake the results for a desired outcome instead of revealing their true personalities.
Oh, I would love for BM to
Oh, I would love for BM to have to take one. She's not smart enough to fake not being crazy. In a meeting with some teachers and the principal one time, the principal pointed out that MSD was always absent on BM's days and BM got so mad she almost started crying. That's all it took. She already had a counselor go against her so she just stopped talking in counseling.
There are very expensive
There are very expensive tests that can view your brain activity while you answer questions, so they can't be fooled. Most insurance won't cover them. Bm would have to do something very serious to get it court ordered. That being said, BPD is known for using suicide as a means to control others... Does she use suicide as a means to manipulate and get her way? If so, you can work off that.
My partners ex is also BPD, and from what you've stated, I wouldn't call that high functioning.
I would be cautious about a
I would be cautious about a professional that would "diagnose" a person with anecdotal 2nd hand accounts.
She very well may have some disorder, but then again, she may just be a shifty person..lol
None of the counselors I
None of the counselors I spoke with diagnosed her per se, that's why they labeled her as having "borderline tendencies". Two of them were working on helping DH and I to better neutralize her impact on me because her behavior was becoming disruptive to my life. One of them said to me in a private session that based on what she had done in the past and what she was currently doing that her behavior would not change.
The two counselors who told DH she was abusive met with both of them, so they saw her behavior.
Yes, personality disorders
Yes, personality disorders are extremely hard to diagnose, it takes extensive screening. Not to mention that BPD people are very manipulating and can hide well sometimes, especially if there are no records of suicide attempts.
BM2 is officially diagnosed
BM2 is officially diagnosed bipolar and doesn't take any meds or go to any therapy for it.
She's also a narcissist. Extra fun. If she was on fire, I wouldn't waste the spit in my mouth on her.
I'm solidly convinced my SO's
I'm solidly convinced my SO's ex has a diagnosable personality disorder - either borderline or narcissist (or both - they are so closely related). She is doing everything in her power to alienate their 13 yo daughter and 19 & 21 yo sons against him. She sends texts "informing" him of decisions she's made (with her new husband) about school and braces without ever discussing with him - just tells him what he "owes" her. When he pushes back and says no, he's the biggest pos father that ever existed. The 13 year old is turning out just like her. Calls and tries to manipulate him (almost like she's reading from a script her mother gave her). He's gotten so much better at not reacting to her craziness, as not to fuel her insatiable hunger for power. She's losing control over him and she doesn't know what to do. He pays his child support every month and gives her extra to cover insurance for the two older ones (not court ordered to do that). I told him to make her produce proof of coverage and cost to carry them, and until she does he will stop paying her the extra. He's paying because he's a good dad, and will continue to do so... but I honestly don't think that covering 2 extra people on an employer-based family plan to should cost him almost $150 more a month!!! he pays all expenses related to his daughter's participation on a travel softball team and takes her to every practice (3x a week) and every tournament (2 weekends/month...3 games Saturday, play til you lose on Sunday) - she plays spring AND fall ball, so it's pretty much year round. His ex flat out refuses to take her to practice and goes to none of her games.
I have completely disengaged from mom and daughter. He said his daughter needs someone like me in her life as a positive role model. I told him I can't compete with her mother - she's twisting her brain so bad and mom will always "win". I said she's just going to try to manipulate me to try to influence him to do what they want - when that doesn't work I will be the bitch. I absolutely won't do it. Prior to disengaging, I tried to have a relationship with his daughter... it was pretty good at first - we would do stuff together (theater, massages, etc), but when she started really acting out and totally disrespecting me and my house over and over again, I was done. I used to go to every game, every tournament. I don't go now. The last game of spring season, her mom decided to show up (1st game in over a year) - daughter walked off field, right by me without any acknowledgement and right over to her mother. That was it. She couldn't even say "hello". I know the kid is in a bad situation - I know she wants a relationship with her mother, so any sign of her liking me will likely cause even more problems. Her mom and grandma have the exact same type of relationship... it's a cycle that needs to be broken. But that's not for me to work out.
Blah... anyway, bottom line - I can relate!
One of my SSs has started
One of my SSs has started acting just like his mom - having meltdowns (at age 11), screaming at DH "you don't love me dad!!!" "You hate my mom!!" "You hate my family!!" I've already started walking away when he does this.
I read somewhere where a psychologist said "a borderline parent can't exist without creating a borderline child."
Not looking forward to experience SS11's teen years.
BM was diagnosed shortly
BM was diagnosed shortly after she and DH were married and OSS was born and she threatened to kill herself, but she refused any sort of therapy. She "didn't have a problem" and "wasn't going to be labeled." She's a textbook case.
Ya, I am convinced BM has
Ya, I am convinced BM has BPD. She has exhibited every single sign except one and that's only because I don't know what she is thinking.
She has "episodes." That's what the skids call them. She just goes crazy and they say you have to avoid her at all costs. None of the skids live with her anymore, thank goodness.
She went to family therapy because she attacked her SD. The SD told her mom that BM said in therapy, "I act that way because of what other people do." The therapist said, "We don't blame the way we act on other people's actions." I guess BM was pissed and basically just shut down after that and wouldn't say anything.
BM will never change. She doesn't think there is anything wrong with her. We just have to avoid her. I like to pretend she's dead.
Oh, and MSD is following in mommy dearest's footsteps. I don't know if her's is genetic or learned behavior or both.
"BM will never change" - you
"BM will never change" - you couldn't be more correct. It's because they don't think they have a problem - it's everyone else's fault: "he/she doesn't like me", "well if he/she didn't do x, I wouldn't have to do y", "they keep trying to screw me over", "it's not my problem they don't like my rules", "it's your fault because you did xyz, not me"... need I go on? I'm sure you all have others you could add. They are the victim, everyone has done them wrong and they are the only ones suffering. They stir up drama and all kids of BS and it's everyone else's responsibility to clean up after them. If you read up on BPD, the underlying cause in many instances is a deep fear of abandonment stemming from childhood. So they feel like they have to control everything, all the time. My SO's ex didn't have a dad, was raised by her mom whose priority was finding a man. When she did (BM was about 13), all her attention went toward him. Obviously, BM hated her SD because of that, and the result was her going to live with an aunt. Fast forward to her own daughter... same thing. When BM and my SO got divorced (she left him after she cheated on him), there was a parade of different men at soccer games, etc. She was remarried 6 months after the divorce was final, and it is clear to everyone that relationship with new hubby is top priority (right after herself) over everything. She blames all their relationship problems on the 13 year old, who at the end of the day just wants a mom who gives a shit about her. Sad, but still not my problem to fix!! I can only support my SO and tell him the behaviors of his ex and daughter are not how normal people act and behave - but after being married to her for 18 years, it's his normal. So it's almost like he's recovering from PSTD!
Yup, I'm in the same boat. BM
Yup, I'm in the same boat. BM never thinks she does anything mean or wrong. I've seen her totally put her kids on the spot over choosing her or DH at a sporting event and then when DH calls her on her bahevior later say "I never did that!" She also approaches every request from DH as if it's already a battle and then says "why are you always so mean to me?!"
DH keeps thinking that if he could just "reason with her" then she'll see the light and stop putting the kids through hell. I try to convince him that in her mind, she is simply "protecting the children", so pointing out to her that she's putting the kids in the middle will only make her dig in her heels more.
Then again, he didn't even realize how ridiculous her treatment of him was until I told him that her reactions and demands were not normal.
The counselors we were working with told me that their was nothing they could do to help me because my reactions to her behavior were completely normal and her behavior wasn't going to change. In private, one of the counselors told me I should consider walking away because she was likely to get worse and I think he thought that DH would be ineffective in setting boundaries.
I feel your pain!! I would be
I feel your pain!! I would be willing to bet money that my SO's X has BPD. I work as a nurse in an inpatient mental health facility and deal with it on a daily basis. It makes me crazy that I have to come home and deal with it as well.
BM used to brag she was
BM used to brag she was undiagnosed bi-polar; I think she's a narcissist. Could be both....either way ignoring is the best tactic.
bpd is very common with other
bpd is very common with other personality disorders.
i think dh is undiagnosed bpd npd. people with these disorders have very shallow emotions and no concept of boundaries and that is why he is too close to the skids. his temper can also turn on a dime. its like being married to a three year old. he also pouts if he does not get his way.
i also think one of the skids is bpd. very unstable and suicide attempt.