Is boyfriend's behavior with his daughters normal?
I've dating a divorced dad for about 4 years. He has custody of two kids, ages 7 and 11, for 6 nights every other week. I live in Arizona and he's in Rhode Island. We take turns flying to see each other every other week from late thursday to monday morning. We rearragened our schedules around 8 months ago so that we could spend more time with each other's kids so that they can get use to us as a couple when we decide to move in together and be permanent, My issue is that when I go to visit him he has his kids the entire time and he completely ignores me, he doesn't believe in bedtimes and so stays up late with the kids (like 1AM late) and never heads to bed with me. While I do enjoy his children I do find it odd that we have such little time together and yet I'm clearly in second place at all times when they are around. I myself have a child whom I have when he visits me once a month, however I put my daughter to bed at 8:30 every night so she's rested for school and so that we have some adult only time together. I've asked that he do the same but he gets offended saying he only has his kids 40% of the time while I have my daughter 70% and he misses them too much to spare any time away from them and that I should understand that. He sleeps in their room sometimes when I'm visiting and 100% of the time when I'm not. I think it's a bit odd.
Additionally the youngest, while sweet and only 7 gets upset if her father pays attention to me, verbally reminds me that she's the priority , she is constantly in his lap and tries to adult kiss him. I've mentioned that it's odd and innappropriate and that imo he should set boundaries with her affection, but he sees nothing wrong with it. It kind of grosses me out seeing her spoon him and lick him, they act more like a husband/wife that father/daughter. He's a very attentive father and talk constantly about how much he misses them and how much he hates not having them full time. His kids are lucky to have such an attentive father. I've never been an overtly affectionate parent, however my daughter knows she is loved and we have a very close open relationship and she communicates with me freely about all things, she's 13 though so very independent at this age and has loads of friends and is enrolled in many activities. I've always been like yes go to Jennys for a sleepover have fun, my boyfriend on the other hand would never be able to bear "losing' a night with his kids to a sleepover or party. So I'm not sure if my concerns are valid or if it's just different parenting styles. I'm reconsidering moving and marying him though, while he's a great man, I don't think I'll be happy being second.
Normal? No. Common? Yes, at
Normal? No. Common? Yes, at least here on StepTalk.
This doesn't get better. Dating is a time to learn about each other, so take what you've learned and move on. You've told him how you feel, but he won't make any changes. This isn't a good partnership.
He's also not a good Dad, by the way. Sure he loves his kids but he does them no favors by allowing them to dictate what happens in the house. Some of what you describe is just gross.
I think a long distance relationship when kids are involved is
diffficult. How much time does he get with them, and how much does he have with them alone, not with you?
This will get worse.
You have a mini wife in the making on your hands. She will dictate your whole relationship, and it will be worse the older she gets. He seems to have no issues with it, so he will do nothing to curtail her behavior.
This is NOT worth you uprooting your BD halfway across the country.
Long distance is not a great
Long distance is not a great way to REALLY get to know someone, much less when there are other dynamics, such as kids and exes.
But, your are lucky, you are getting a glimpse of who he is and what life with him would be like. How do you like it? He won't change, this is it.
ETA: Sorry, I hadn't read your entire post before, but now I have, and EW.
Read up on what a mini-wife
Read up on what a mini-wife is - then project that into your future.
PErsonally, I would not be with someone who put me last (especially when I've travellod so far to see him) and I could not respect a man who wants to be their children's friend rather than their parent. Yes, we all want a good relationship with our children but it is absolutely essential to prepare them for the future and a 7 yo up until 1 am because daddy is upset he only gets them 40% of the time is pathetic parenting.
Oh my gosh, I read up on mini
Oh my gosh, I read up on mini-wife and wow! Sadly seems to be very common, and describes precisely what is happening in his home.
No way it is normal behavior,
No way it is normal behavior, but it sooooooo common. Those are all HUGE red flags.
I definitely would not call him an attentive father....it's more like a guilt ridden disney daddy unwilling to parent his kids. I am married to one.....and I would suggest it to nobody.
Thank you for your replies
Thank you for your replies and support, it's good to know that I'm not being crazy for thinking his behavior is off. I didn't know if I was being jealous or rigid in my parenting style.
Normal?
NO. It’s normal to be a bad parent? It’s normal to have a GF over and being alone with her for adult time comes third. His kids trump sex
Time to believe what you see. This is the best time of a relationship it’s only going to get worst. Having SD control your SO and the home.
My biggest concern is that he
My biggest concern is that he feels I'm selfish for wanting the kids to have bedtimes. He says he never sees his kids so I should understand why he wants to stay up all night with them and says I can choose to stay up with them if I wish to. He says I shouldn't make him choose. Am I being selfish? I can understand if we lived together and saw each other all the time, but we live 2000 miles apart so we only see each other about 1/2 the amount he sees his kids. not wanting to spend an evening with me at all I think is odd. He asked if he could have sex with me real quick and I said no I feel very disconnected from you because of how I've been ignored and I feel awkward. He got mad and said I "really really suck".
Did he actually
Did he actually ask if he could "have sex with you real quick" or was that your feeling? Because if that was his real phrasing or even semi-implication, he is not looking for a wife or even a steady girlfriend. He would be far better off concentrating on his daughter and paying a woman for her time when the need "arises."
He was being flirty not like
He was being flirty not like bend over b*tch.
It boils down to much the
It boils down to much the same thing, though. Fast gratification because he doesn't have the time to spare for you...
Um, he really really sucks!
Um, he really really sucks! What a douche! No, it is not normal to treat your children this way and it is gross that he lets his 7yo kiss him like an adult. That sounds almost like sexual abuse....but disgusting if nothing else. If he is being like this now it will only get worse when you move in with each other. Also, he won't enforce rules with his children and you will still be enforcing reasonable rules with your child. Your child will also become resentful watching his kids get away with murder while you actual parent yours. Stop wasting your money flying cross country to see this man child.
Well, at least now you know
Well, at least now you know what he wants from you - sex (and not all the rest that should go with a relationship, things like companionship, respect, etc.).
Kids NEED bedtimes, they need structure and routine - these things make them feel safe and also prepare them for life in the outside world. Your bf is being extremely selfish by depriving them of that. He's only thinking of himself. Actually, he's only thinking of himself in pretty much all you've told us.
This behavior is not healthy
This behavior is not healthy and like all the other posters above, he's not worth uprooting everything so that you can sit by and watch him put you on the back burner full time. You only got a glimpse of his lifestyle with his kids, living with him full time is a whole other level and you'll see more f@ckery that you never knew existed. So do yourself the favor, follow your instincts and don't get involved with this man. If he doesn't see how poor and unhealthy he is towards his kids, it will only increase and get worse.
Leave..leave now!
Leave..leave now!
^^^The only response OP needs
^^^The only response OP needs.
This is so far and away
This is so far and away beyond what is considered appropriate and what a normal parent-child relationship looks like as well as what an adult relationship should look like. This guy sucks, leave him. Save yourself the time, money and hurt feelings.There is NO WAY he is worth all this.
4yrs
I was in a similar place with my bf and his kids and things got pretty strange, & I could tell that he and his daughter were both very close. I didn't mention the odd stuff in the beginning because I knew it was just his daughter trying to get his attention because she thought that I was stealing her dad away. I grew a relationship with her, & with him. Then I pointed out to him that certain things were not appropriate for him and his daughter to do, & I let him know what it looked like to me. I also had a conversation with her about things that weren't appropriate. Let her know that her dad will always love her, and her brother more than anything and anyone. That she doesn't need to see this as a loss but a gain because we both have different relationships with her father.
that she'll always be in favorite girl. I let her know that I just want to love, guide, & support all of them.
she occasionally does stuff for attention still. I'm still teaching her to be more "lady like" as we say. My bf's mom and sister both said I'm doing so great with him and the kids and that they've never seen him this way with anyone before. His marriage was a very toxic one that lasted 9yrs and they separated but lived together for the kids. She moved out and they share custody.
their mom is tragically toxic and threatens to take the kids every time my bf doesn't do something for her. In the beginning she would try to come between us. She was
checking his garbage cans,
looking through his target account, & make inappropriate comments about the things we'd buy.
ive been in his/his kids lives for 4yrs now and she still refuses to meet me. She claims it's too soon.
I told my bf she's not over him, & she probably never will be. I only think this because whenever she'd call she'd always talks about herself and not about the kids.
I told my bf that having a good relationship with their mom is important but you have to set boundaries. She refuses to meet the woman that is a big part of her kids lives and that's concerning to me.
I have conversations with the kids and I don't allow them to talk bad about their mom, & also I don't do it either.
they talk to me about things, & I ask if they've told their mom. They're both constantly saying whenever they try to talk to her about what's going on with them that she'll just end up making it about her, & that she's always talking about herself.
I believe it because I've heard her conversations with my bf. He wanted me to listen. He was trying to talk about issues the kids were having, & she kept redirecting things to herself.
my bf had issues with saying "I love you" in front of his kids to me before. They heard him say it and then his daughter told me that he told them he didn't mean to say it.
which he has said it plenty of times before this but I never really noticed he wasn't saying it around them.
They said they could tell that he does because they've never seen him behave like this with their mom, & never heard him say that to their mom. even with displays of affection they said it's all new to them.
when I first formally met my bf's kids we all went out to dinner and he was feeding me his food in front of them.
initial meet he didn't even mention he had kids. We got to know each other then he told me. He's still a bit shy about saying I love you to me in front of his daughter. I think he doesn't want to hurt her feelings.
we're looking for a new place to live all together.
the kids say they love me and they know I love them.
it gets hard but I don't give up on them.
mum still teaching them, molding them to be great people, there mom still hasn't met me and is still teaching them toxic ways but I let them know that each home has different rules.
whenever they are punished I explain to them at least five times in different ways to make sure they understand. I probably spend more time with them than my bf does.
sometimes my bf and I fight but that's normal. Sometimes I feel as though I'm being taken for granted. I communicate with him very well, & with the kids. I let him know what's up when something goes south. I let him know what works and doesn't for me, & for us.
He said I'm the best thing that happened to them.
im not bragging but they've been through hell. I'm patient with them and I nurture all of them. I don't allow them to disrespect me, & I take care of them.