CAN I GET A NICE GIFT TOO?
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Since DH pays child support and his funds are tight, I do all of the Christmas shopping.I work full time. I pay a lot of the household bills, along with paying full tuition for my college. Next month is my stepdaughters Sweet 16 party and I am paying for the venue. Again, because his funds are tight. I spent three thousand dollars buying everyone in the family his and mine gifts. My SK's got amazing presents and so did my DH. Time to open my gift the only one he had to buy. Low and behold I get another Kindle this is my 3rd one, that retails for forty dollars. I was really fighting tears. Is it too hard to take his ass to Zales or something. I would like to have been wowed for once. I know I sound ungrateful but I'm so tired.
His funds are tight as you
His funds are tight as you said. Everyone else got nice gifts because you bought them. What do you expect from him? He didn't get the kids all the nice things. He didn't spend all the money on everyone else. I would understand if he were doing all the things you said your doing but he's not.
It would be different if he was doing all this stuff and forgetting you but he's not. If you want something nice then get it yourself. Or hand him however much you want him to spend on you and tell him to get you something pretty, include a picture of a diamond.
I see what you are saying,
I see what you are saying, but sometimes an a$$ wipe needs to be called an a$$ wipe. Yes, we can all call the OP an enabler, a patsy, and so on, but on the other hand, this is basically what society does expect of SMs--to put out all the time, with little to none reward. In the future, like most SMs and after years of putting out and sucking it up and taking it, she'll have adult SKs who think she's done nothing for them and be lucky to get a body gel set from any of 'em for Christmas. This is the way society has set it up, so OP is just following the status quo.
There are hardly any realistic good books out there for SMs after the fact, and basically zero books out there for anyone even thinking of marrying and becoming a SP. So, it is rather unfair and judgmental to go after a SM just for being what society expects her to be--a patsy--this is society's expectation and not hers. That is what she is really coming here to vent about: These unrealistic expectations that seemed to have been placed on her. OP is not really the one to blame here, so much as all the me-first !#@$!@# in the world. Sometimes an a$$ wipe needs to be called an a$$ wipe vs. blaming someone for doing what society expects of them.
Most of the SMs who come here on a regular basis have long since gotten it, but many a SM coming here for the first time, has not. She needs a big hug (((hugs)) and to hear she is not alone in her frustrations. Over time, she'll come to see that she'll have to start putting her foot down and moving herself up the priority list.
So if society tells us
So if society tells us something we have to follow it? No and it's not an excuse. OP is making the choice to spend all her money. That's on her.
I'm not going to coddle and baby someone. Yeah it sucks but you can either sit there and sniffle, oh poor me, or you can look at your actions and fix them.
Again it sucks but she's choosing to do it. I give simple advice when I can. You don't like what's going on then change it. She's not alone in her frustrations but that doesn't mean she's not responsible for it. What other advice is there to give or should we only offer a shoulder to cry on instead of actually trying to give ways to fix it.
My point still stands that she states DH doesn't have the money. OP goes out and spends all her money then expects DH to do it. He's not spending tons of money on everyone else and ignoring her. She's buying everyone else all the stuff. That's like me yelling at DH "I bought the kids X,Y, and Z, I don't care that you can't afford to get me X I deserve it because I'm so generous to everyone else so do it now."
What since does that make? Gifts are suppose to be measured in value alone. If my sister gets me something extremely pricey and I REQUIRED to do the same for her and what if I can't? What if I think Christmas is about spending time together? Just because I do something doesn't mean everyone is expected to match it.
If OP is tried of spending money on everyone else and not getting what she feels she deserves then she needs to stop doing it. Plain and simple.
No, you don't have to follow
No, you don't have to follow it. That wasn't the point I was making. The point I was making that it is rude to place all the blame on someone for doing what most expect her to do. In this case, society expects her to suck it up and take it. And, no, I don't agree with that at all. And, I'm hardly expecting someone to be coddled and babied here. That is what she is doing for her DH and SKs, by the way, babying them and coddling them, and, yes, that is again what society expects of her.
I agree, she can change it, but it takes most SMs a long time to catch on to these Catch-22s, where they are expected to have much responsibility but little authority, and expected to suck it up and take it over and over and over, receiving very little in return. SPs come here to vent. They don't come here to get their butt kicked by their own kind, so to speak. She could have been given the exact same advice with a hug and a best of luck vs. with a swift kick in the butt. By the way, it is both of their monies no matter whose pocket it is coming out of. They are married. They are a couple. Their funds are combined. The $3,000 could have been better spent elsewhere and hopefully in the future it will be; however, when SM gives, like anyone else she has the right to expect some kind of consideration in return, and that is what is at the heart of her vent--doing so much and getting so little in return.
It is vile of someone to just grab and grab and grab and then when someone starts to say "Hey? What a second here," the reply is something like, "Oh, it is your fault for letting me do it," or "it is your fault for being an enabler." No. If you are a pig, you are a pig. It's not someone else's fault for you being a pig. The OP does need to learn how to stop feeding the pig, tho., and just say NO.
I do not view my comment as a
I do not view my comment as a kick in the butt. It points out that she is doing all this and if she wants it to change she needs to do it herself. Everyone else is yelling "Stop enabling". My point was to include reasons why he may not get her things.
Stop enabling wont guarantee that DH's behavior will change since his behavior isn't necessarily fully tied to hers. If he doesn't have the money she does then maybe a 40 dollar tablet is all he can get. Maybe OP hasn't given him ideas of what she would like. Maybe maybe maybe.
My comment is no more rude then any of the other blunt comments to "stop enabling." I try to include other information that should be considered.
Also we have no way to know how OP and her DH do money. There are more than a few blended families as well as "normal" that do not combined money at all. If OP brings home 3000 a month and pays out 1000 in her part of bills she may be left with 2000. While if DH brings home 1500 and pays out 1000 in bills he may be left with 500. We have no clue if OP and DH do it that way or if the combined where they would make 4500 a month and pay out 2000 in bills leaving 2500 between them to decide how to use. Clearly there is some sort of split since she said that SHE is the one who spent 3000 and he doesn't make as much.
Anyone who has been on this
Anyone who has been on this site all weekend long blogging and using off-logic to defend themselves with anti- comments and going on and on just to make sure they get the last word needs to look in a mirror and ask themselves if it is worth it. Maybe there is better things to be done with time. It is supposed to be a Holiday weekend.
Awww honey maybe you should
Awww honey maybe you should look at your own advice.
My advice wasn't meant for
My advice wasn't meant for Dontfeedtherolls alone.
If your efforts are not
If your efforts are not appreciated, stop. I did, and he has the pleasure of all the glorious work He can get criticized for whatever he does, as I know it will never be enough I do not even ask.. And, he he does not get you what you want, take the joint card and go buy it, spend whatever you want. If he wants an explanation, I am certain you would be happy to share with him how you feel, and this time, he may listen.
^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^
^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^
As a reformed cash cow, I
As a reformed cash cow, I have to tell you we do this to ourselves and they take full advantage of it. You are teaching them how to treat you. Seriously a three grand splurge is too much on top of paying for the sweet 16 venue. Scale the gift giving way back to match what your husband can reasonably afford as he must feel awful not be able to buy a huge gift for you. We're all guilty of going overboard with the gift giving and it should be about the meaning not the dollar value. I do understand that you wish your DH would give you something thoughtful no matter the cost, but truly most don't understand that.
Just to let you know, I did not receive a gift at all from any of them, so there you go.
If you tell me
a. the skids gave you nothing
b. you do all the housework
I swear to the stepgods I will go on a rampage right now }:)
OMGosh, make ONE New Year's
OMGosh, make ONE New Year's resolution for 2018. Put yourself first and begin delegating to your DH.
Don't do this to yourself. I get it, believe me. I did this for 30+ years and then all hell broke loose, when I threw my hands in the air and quit. Don't do it to begin with; I wish I had never started helping DH with all of his responsibilities, concerning grown skids.
Step away slowly and gracefully. Get your life back.
(((hugs)))
Another dead weight user
Another dead weight user taking advantage of a gal who won’t stand up for herself. Dear Lord. These guys are users
Stop funding your DH's
Stop funding your DH's financial responsibilities.
He is a user and a taker . You need to love yourself more , have more self respect and recognize that you are buying his attention ,affection or whatever and he will keep taking what you're giving.
If you feel like you re getting used, taken advantaged ,you are.
Your DH is lazy and you've helped keep him there spending your money funding his responsibilities .
Stop the money train.If he cares he'll find a way.A few hours of overtime, a second job.
You are not happy .You do not feel appreciated..
You are not respected .
.Take back your self respect . Stop footing his free ride
Did you fall and smack your
Did you fall and smack your head?!?! That is insane!!! I buy each skid a 25$ visa gift card the rest is left up to SO. SO buys my kids a gift of the same amount or a gift card the rest is up to me!! DONE DONE DONE!!!
I will buy a small gift for SO from SKIDS that also has a $ limit on it. I will admit I spent a little more this year just because I could not pass up the gift I found!!!
Sweet 16 bahahahaha NO!!!
Can you adopt me?
Can you adopt me?
Next month is my
Next month is my stepdaughters Sweet 16 party and I am paying for the venue. Again, because his funds are tight. I spent three thousand dollars buying everyone in the family his and mine gifts.
Why? And don't say because you love him.
If HIS funds are tight, then his daughter and his family get what he can afford. Stop subsidizing him.
I love my husband but I have NEVER taken on the financial responsibility of providing anything for his family. He didn't have a lot of extra money when we first got together and if all he could afford was a $25.00 gift for his daughter, that's what she got.
Insanity.
Hear hear!! You are the step
Hear hear!!
You are the step mother not the fairy godmother
If the family can’t afford something, it is not your responsibility to subsidize the family budget.
Please stop putting yourself last and set your expectations with your BF, vocalize your feelings with him regarding how to give you gifts. Also learn his love language and yours, if his love language is not gifts, learn what is and accept that as his form of affection and buy your own gifts
i know exactly how you feel.
i know exactly how you feel. when sd turned 21 i was turning 50. dh ran out and spent about $500 on some computer equipment or something while i got a gem stone jewellery that cost him about half that.
some time ago dh mother had high medical bills so dh was forced to cough up thousands of dollars to help out his parents. (his father is a loser and they had no money.) dh told me the anniversary gift was going to be frugal due to this. i was o k with that.
then came the slap in the face.
sd got five hundreds dollars to buy skiing equipment. just because. no occasion like birthday or christmas. a free gift. for my anniversary dh buys me about 200 dollars in crap on sale. a canvas tote bag. a key ring. a wall poster. some other small crap. and the idiot was so proud of the gifts he got me thinking i would be delighted. to say i was insulted hurt and furious was an understatement. and i let him know it. i did not conceal my anger.
fast forward a few years and dh bought me a diamond ring and it was a piece of crap with huge black streaks in the stone. the worst type of quality. he claims he spent a lot of money on it. either he was cheated by the jewellery store or he is lying.
this was the man who gave sd a $10,000 down payment on a new car as a high school graduation gift.
fil is a real cheap a$$ so i can see where dh gets his cheap ness. fil never bought mil anything in their 50 years of marriage and she went to her grave only owning the cheap gold band she got on the day she was married.
my advice is to stopping paying for anything for your skids. they are his children and its clear you are at the bottom of dh priorities. take that money and buy your self something nice. really nice. insanely nice. never expect your dh to buy you anything because he is cheap and your happiness is not important to him. he wont change. i know longing to be wowed but was disappointed and hurt too many times.
Seperate all the finances and
Seperate all the finances and just pay your fair share . Stop subsidizing the skids lives - it's not your job - you didn't make them.
I was real generous in my previous marriage with exDH and exSD , until I stopped feeling appreciated and i was made to feel like it was my obligation. I turned off the ATM.
We all make mistakes , but you can fix this. Save your money and treat yourself .
If your DH wanted to make you feel appreciated - he would of figured out a way to , even if he was short on cash. You can't buy love and all this is doing is making you sad . It's not on you that your DH pays high CS and is broke.