Christmas issues
I’m new to the site, this is my first post, but holy Toledo I finally feel like I’m not some lunatic Bc I can’t stand my boyfriends daughter..
There were enough issues with my SOs mother controlling where we went for Christmas, but the daughter took the cake. I’ve been on my SO about creating consequences for his daughters actions, Bc all he does is say “Say please,” or “don’t do that,” which she hardly listens to, and it certainly doesn’t stick. So last night she came into our room AGAIN without knocking, her dad told her politely not to do it, AGAIN, and this morning she somehow came in our room, crawled in bed w us, and I was in my underwear w the covers off. I flipped my lid on her, and cussed...which maybe I shouldn’t have done, but it was embarrassing, I felt like my privacy was invaded, and was shocked it even happened.
A little back story, she doesn’t even live w us Bc my boyfriends mom takes care of her, gets her to school, etc. so I see this girl once a week maybe. He goes over there every day she’s there after work and stays until she goes to bed, his idea not mine. So it’s not like we’re close and she feels comfortable enough w me, or there’s some precedent that would lead her to believe that crawling in my bed is appropriate.
She’s 7 and has a psycho BM who spoils her and doesn’t give her any rules, and she’s starting to become very manipulative. Like at Christmas dinner she baby talked her dad into making her dinner plate, which is fine it’s Christmas and u don’t really want the kids serving themselves on nice plates, but she tells her uncle “I just don’t like fixing my own plate.” He’s such a nice guy, he’d do anything anyone asked him to do, but it’s frustrating to see how she works him. And a few days ago she got yelled at for not listening when her dad told her not to run in the parking lot and she told me when he wasn’t around “Dad got really mad at me,” and I said “well u have to listen to him when he tells u to do something,” and she said “I don’t listen to anyone.”
At his family’s house after Christmas the cousins were all playing and when the older kids don’t do exactly what she wants, play what she wants to play, etc. she get all pouty and everyone starts giving her attention asking why she’s sad. What needs to happen is she needs to learn how to play w other kids and be polite and compromise. She bosses adults around too, and negotiates when u tell her to do something, and pouts when she doesn’t get her way. Complains about being bored, interrupts people talking, doesn’t say please or thank you, etc.
So she did get in trouble for crawling in our bed, and she cried, but it’s her just working him Bc she knows when she cries she stops being in trouble. She gave many different stories of why she did it too...she even tried saying she had a stomach ache Bc a few weeks ago she said she had a stomach ache and that got her out of doing something she didn’t want to do. She didn’t have a stomach ache then either based on the fact that she wanted to play and eat candy.
It’s so frustrating to see how manipulative she is and my boyfriend just thinks she’s so innocent. She knows she can do things herself, but she knows she doesn’t have to. But after this morning I’m at the point where I don’t want to be around her. How do I keep a relationship moving forward w someone who I genuinely dread seeing his daughter, let alone eventually living w her someday when I can only imagine this is going to get worse? I’m learning the term mini wife and it’s started already. Just looking for some positive encouragement, advice, or maybe just needed to vent, I don’t know. Thanks for reading!
we weren’t at our house, we
we weren’t at our house, we were staying at his uncles for Christmas.
If your SO doesn't start to
If your SO doesn't start to discipline his daughter you will never feel anything but anger for her. it's true it's displaced anger and believe me I'm working through it myself. She sneaks into the room because she wants to cuddle with her dad. He means everything to her, he is her security and I'm sure he wants her to feel that way. He is probably holding on to so much guilt about how she is being raised. She didn't ask to come into the world and the 2 people in her life that are supposed to provide her with the most unconditional love are not really there for her.
That doesn't give her the right to act up or misbehave but I have a feeling until your SO decides to really take the lead on raising her he will compensate for the guilt that he's feeling by letting her do and behave however she wants.
that leaves you with all this resentment as you watch and are suppose to just tolerate. It's not easy.
I really don't get along with my 6-year-old SS and he always wants to come to our bed. I asked my SO to please get up and lay with him in his bed. That still annoys me but it's better there are boundaries with our room when I'm in bed and he is respecting that.
Bottom line SD isn't ever going anywhere and she shouldn't. and if you love your SO you just have to keep trying to manage the emotion and be honest with your SO.
i hope this helps a little, hang in there.
Thank you so much for the
Thank you so much for the words of encouragement...I was feeling a bit judged by some of the other responses to my post. I absolutely do not WANT to feel these feelings, and every day I question why I have such anger toward a 7 year old who didn’t ask for any of this. I know it’s not her, it’s her parents, including my boyfriend. I have to keep a better grip on my emotions, you’re right, and my boyfriend seems to be coming around to the fact that things have to change in order for our relationship (between all three of us) to work. It just needs to start like yesterday or it’s only going to get worse.
I agree with the
I agree with the others...your real problem is Guilty/Disney daddy not parenting his daughter. My advice would be to get out now. Find a man with no children!!! If he continues to not parent his daughter she will only get worse. I know it is easy to misplace your anger and resentment on the little girl (my SD is super annoying) but it is definitely on her BM and your boyfriend for allowing her to continue with these behaviors. If you choose to stay disengage. Refer his daughter to him for EVERYTHING!
I can't get past the fact
I can't get past the fact that this poor child is being raised by her grandmother while her dad goes to play and just "visit." Why is that the case and why is that ok?
Also, she's 7, for goodness sake. That is a young child. It makes me sad for her that you yelled and cursed at her for simply coming in your room--and I just read your comment above that it apparently wasn't even YOUR bedroom, but a bedroom you were sleeping in at your SO's uncle's house?? My youngest DS is 10. Of course, children sometimes come in their parents' rooms for all kinds of reasons--when they're scared, when they're waking up, when they're sick, etc., etc. Up until they were maybe 9 or 10, my SSs would come in our bedroom first thing in the a.m. when they were there. (They're now 22 and 23.) One of our fondest memories is playing the "sandwich" game with my SSs, with the four of us lying in bed and whoever was on the ends being the "healthy bread," and them creatively calling out "sandwich fixins" for whoever was in the middle. I never slept in just my underwear when the SKs were visiting, nor do I do it now unless neither of my own two DSs with DH(ages 10 and 16) are home. I have taught my boys to knock if our bedroom door is closed, but it's almost always open. (Yes, we close it if we're intimate, but we re-open it before going to sleep.) I would never leave my door closed all night with a 7 year-old in the house. We don't do it now with a 10 year-old and 16 year-old. And I'm sorry if it spoils your "privacy," but I think parents need to hear what is going on with their children at night. If your door is closed, how would you hear if she gets up or needs help during the night, or is that something you care about?
And I do still fix my DS 10's plate, especially if we're at a big family gathering. He's still got plenty of little boy in him, and I don't want him taking too much food or possibly dropping it.
Finally, sounds like she's begging for attention. I can completely understand that given her living situation. Her dad has dumped his responsibilities on her grandmother. I can also understand why your SO's mother seemed controlling about where you went, as she is basically serving as the girl's mother. If you and your SO want more independence and control over this little girl, your SO ought to be raising her full-time and not just playing daddy when it suits him.
It sounds like this situation
It sounds like this situation is not a good fit for you. Your bf is more of an extended relative to his daughter than an actual father. Holding your emotions in check all the time is going to cause a lot of resentment. Realize that what you see is what you get. If you choose to hitch your wagon to this guy then this is your future. You can't change this, it is what it is. Accept it or move on.