Complicated...
Hello forum. This is my first time posting or talking to anyone else about this situation besides my wife and direct family. I wanted to get some outside input. I'll start from the beginning...
I met why wife at age 22 we have been married for 13 years now. When we met, she was a single mom. My prior relationships lasted a few weeks to a couple months. Her son was a year and a half. I had no kids and was very against dealing with anyone's kids as I was being forced to deal with my older brother's kid situation with his failed relationship. I put those feeling to the side and started dating my wife. I explained to her, I'm not around to deal with anyone's love child. If you choose to have a kid with someone, be responsible for your actions and deal with it. Leave me out. She explained to me that her son was the product of a short relationship and failed birth control. No love was involved, he will never come back, and she's not getting child support because she just wanted nothing to do with the guy. I felt at the time that it wasn't her fault, it wasn't planned, it was a mistake and the dad was no where to be found. I put myself in her shoes. After all, that could be me! a few ex-girlfriends told me they wanted to have my baby. It would be a nighmare if I knocked up any one of them even after taking every precatuion available. My way of thinking is, I would only decide to give the best of myself to the person I fell in love with. The person who I choose to be the first to be the mother of my kids will be the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I expected the same from my wife.
Anyway, I fell in love with the girl. I'm absolutly crazy for her like I have never been with anyone. Maybe after swallowing my pride and understanding her side, the baggage wont be so heavy...? After a couple years we got our own place together and planned to get married. We moved her son into the spare room and by this time I have developed a relationship with him. I am and have always been the bread winner. She has never had a job. We were also expecting our first child at this time.
Three years after getting married, the BD started messaging her on facebook. She tried really hard to hide it from me. Turns out, the relationship she said was short was actually about 3 years. The child they had together, who I am raising without a penny in support, was planned between the two of them. They never used protection and lived together for about a year. He claimed she never saught child support because she knew he couldn't afford it and loved him too much to mess up his life that way. Clearly they were in love and the child was a result of that. She had also attended the BDs brother's funeral 2 years after we were married and never told me. According to the BD, things happen at the funeral that she denies. He also had sexual photographs from when they were dating he was quick to share just to prove a point I guess. On top of being sexually unsatisfied, this destroyed our marriage. It took a lot of picking up pieces for me to decide to stick around. In all honesty, I choose to stick around for my son. I felt she gave the best of herself to another man, lied to me about it, and now I'm stuck paying for the product. There were terms involved. #1 of course, never lie to me again. #2 I was no longer going to be sexually frustrated. In my mind, sex should never be an issue especially to a man who is raising a kid she decided to have with another man. The feeling is nothing short of being cuckold. It put me in a dark place, I've never wanted to be. I've never been so depressed. Suicide was sounding like a swidish massage. How could I be so dumb?
Now 4 years later, we are back to the same problem. She can't stand to be intimate with me. She never iniciates. She never has the energy or lust she once had. The fire is gone. It makes all of the things I tried so hard to bury, boil back up to the surface. I've got a perscription for anti depressants. I'm reluctant to start taking because I know how to fix what is depressing me. I just don't know if it's the right thing to do...
Welcome to the site!
Sadly, your relationship with your DW is based on lies, and not small ones - major ones. That in itself is enough to end a marriage, but you have the sexual issues on top of that. Have you and she had any relationship counselling? If not, and seeing as how there are children involved, I would try that before calling it a day - then if it ends, at least you can say that you tried everything. But honestly, she has betrayed you a number of times with the lies, and then not sticking to her terms to try and save the relationship, so to be honest, I don't see a great future for you and her.
This marriage is broken seven
This marriage is broken seven ways to Sunday. You compromised your core values. She lied about who she was and possibly cheated on you. Your insistence that she provide you with sex as a condition of staying married and not feeling like less of a man. Her falling back into her behavior (likely a sign of depression for herself). It's all broken beyond repair because it started broken.
Put a bullet in this marriage before one of you eats the bullet instead.
In my opinion, your sex
In my opinion, your sex issues are the least of your worries right now. Your DW lied to you consistently for years. She probably wouldn't have told you the truth if her ex hadn't outed her. It sounds like you have tried to rebuild the relationship but are still resentful (hence the old issues bubbling up to the surface). This isn't a healthy environment for you or your son. When you add the sex issues on top of it all, it really is quite a mess.
If you want to stay married, it sounds like you and your DW need counseling...both individual and couples. Also, your DW needs to start holding her ex responsible for his child. No more excuses. If he is coming around, he should be helping to support the child they planned and brought into this world.
To be honest, you sound like you are done. You say you know how to make yourself happy again. I know it is hard to walk away, but that may be what is best. You need to be your best so you can be there for your son. You can't be ypur best if you are depressed and angry all the time.
Does this mean what it sounds like?
' #2 I was no longer going to be sexually frustrated.' Because this sounds like marital rape. Hopefully, it was just poorly worded.
You seem to like being the White knight. Your wife was taking advantage of you from the get go, told you a story that should have raised alarm bells from the first (unless someone is abusive, they have a right to know about their child whether it was a one night stand or no, and the father is as responsible as the mom for ensuring a child's financial, physical and emotional well being), didn't really love you - and why in holy he!! Wasn't she working at least part time as an adult should for their own self respect if nothing else?
But in your mind she owed you sex in some fashion? Instead of seeing red flags?
I say drop this woman; her son clearly is not your responsibility and you are not his father.
Then spend some time with a therapist reviewing your medieval view of women, and why you are so willing to rush in and 'save' a woman so it appears that you can be owed sex by said woman instead of treating them on an equal footing. Figure that out, and you'll make your life much easier.
It's not that complicated.
I read it as marital rape,
I read it as marital rape, which is why I was curt. That combined with his implication that his wife (and other women like her) isn't worthy of him in her actual state turned me to think they're both toxic.
Well it’s a continuation of the White Knight syndrome
At its worst. If women need rescuing all the time (silly things, getting in over their head), then they aren't truly human like a big brave man.
In this mindset, relationships between and man and a woman are transactional. He takes care of her and protects her from big old meanies and the difficulties of life and she owes him sex. If she doesn't give it, he will take what's rightfully his because he's held up his part of the bargain.
So yeah. Based on what he wrote she's equally disgusting (if an extreme White Knight syndrome was his mindset), she used his poor view of women to take him to the cleaners so to speak. But that in no way obligated anyone to have sex or be owed sex.
Instead, he should realize he will always be miserable with this mindset. Because most women who are willing to be victims in my experience really just wanted to use their SO.
My first time explaining this in text
OP here, I appreciate the feedback. I tried to keep it short so I left out detail. First time I've seen "White Knight" I did a lot of researching on that syndrome and I really don't think the peg fits. I saw my brother date a single mom while I was in high school and never wanted to be a "Cpt. Savea' ho". I made that clear to her from the start. The only reason I picked up the dead weight was because I wanted her home with my son for the first years after his birth.
I don't expect sex from her, I do feel the need to be wanted phisically. Demanding sex in my mind feels pethtic and worthless. I know she puts on an act from time to time because she knows it effects me. Her act makes me feel dirty and useless and really a complete waste of time. A brief release of frustration but, I can get more emotion from a blow up doll.
Talking to a friend a couple years ago opened my eyes. The conversation went like...
My friend: "You're raising another man's kid without a penny in support and she lied to you about all of it, let him take bedroom pictures and probably cheated on you while you two were married? Damn... She must be a great cook."
Me: "nope, we eat out a lot"
My friend: "Then... She must be a cat in the sack!"
Me: "she doesn't want me touching her"
Us: **blank stare** **crickets**
Hmmm...
OP, your story is rather fantastic especially for a new and one-time poster. Also, the math doesn't seem to add up when you are talking about timelines.
I read between the lines, as well as your inconsistent writing style, and don't comprehend exactly what it is you are looking for - other than generating a lot of comments/responses and input. For what reason... (?)
Fundamentally you've not identified a definitive step-related problem other than your wife has a previous child. Much of your complaint seems to be with your wife and your sexual relationship.
Thus, I won't opine with any advice. Suggest others consider these factors before spending time on responding.
Wow . Poor you . Unless you
Wow . Poor you . Unless you professes her undying love for you and shows it I would leave personally. It sounds like you have just been a means to provide financially. Everybody deserves to be loved .
What would her explaination
What would her explaination be on this situation? What does she want?
Once the bioDad was found did you guys go for child support? Did the step child meet the Dad? Is the guy involved in coparenting now?
There will be a lot of
There will be a lot of "suprises" later on for your wife that she isn't going to expect, similar to my wife.
Like when you don't pay for her kid's wedding.
Or when you don't buy her kid a car.
Or when you don't pay for her kid's college.
Or when you do all of those things for your own child.
I could see her arguing otherwise - if she worked - or if you were recieving child support, but you'll definitely have your just dues in the coming years.
Also, don't pressure her for sex. Use the internet and Jill if it's that important.
Yes, thanks for pointing out
Yes, thanks for pointing out he's not entitled to sex - coming from another man, that's helpful.
OP, there is nothing here to save. I know you love your SS but he's not your son, and she will have no qualms turning him against you, she's already proven she's a masterful liar. She's not someone you want to hang on to.
I'd bet that his wife would
I'd bet that his wife would let him take his child as the custodial parent if he just pushes her to be single - in which time she'd be back sleeping with her ex within a day.
In what world do you stay in a marriage where you factually know that you're 2nd to another man?
Yeah, I wouldn't. I missed
Yeah, I wouldn't. I missed that they have their own child together - like your situation, that really complicates things.
First of all, based on the
First of all, based on the way you described your "demands" of a woman that will be with you and have your child.. I don't think she felt she had much choice in how she framed her prior relationship.
She wouldn't be the first person to claim that their child with their EX was not concieved in a loving relationship... I fully believe that in most cases that this is revisionist history. People don't want to admit to their current partner that they cared about/for their EX.. or were attracted to or loved them. So they lie.. varnish the truth a bit because they know/think that deep down that is what their new partner wants to and needs to hear to stay with them.
I don't know why the EX has decided to share such tawdry things as pictures or tell you about something that may/may not have happened at the funeral. I'm thinking he has an ulterior motive.. and I wouldn't necessarily take HIS verson as the truth either... but it sounds like at least some of what he said was a close approximation of the truth. I don't know that she didn't pursue money because she "loved him".. but it may have been more along the lines of he didn't have a pot to pee in.. at the time... or she wanted to avoid contact with him and felt support would mean she would have to keep him in her life (which she really may not have wanted to do after their relationship ended).
In the end though.. I agree with Lieutenent Dad... your relationship was a home built on quicksand.. by two jack leg carpenters... both of you have some serious fault in how you approached the relationship (your demands.. her lies) and I don't see much reason to keep beating the horse.
You just outlined my failed
You just outlined my failed first marriage though there were no children envolved, at least until my adulterous cavern crotched skank whore of an XW got knocked up by her geriatric Fortune 500 executive sugar/baby daddy. You cannot sacrifice yourself to a loveless marriage sans intimacy for any child including your own.
Leave, live your life. Hopefully you can get COd visitation with the child you have raised as your own.
Even if you can't, martyrs who sacrifice themselves on the alter of Sparental duties get no prizes. Particularly SParents who put up with adulters who cuckhold the Sparent repeatedly.
Move on.
Live your life... for you.