"Contributing $$$?"

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I just moved four hours away from my shore house to live with my boyfriend.
He makes 3-4 times more than I, well over $200k I work and go to school full time and make a decent living.
I own my own house, and pay my own bills.

Currently, I pay for the weekly groceries, $100-150 a week.

Now my boyfriend is asking that I pay my fair share of the bills...?

Is this fair? As he uses my beach house in the summer with me, and I do not ask him to pay his "fair share" of the bills.

If he would have told me this before moving in, about the contributing he expected I would have kept living full time in my shore house.

Now he is cold with me because I Refused to contribute more.

What is fair? What should I do? We have been dating 8 months, I've been living there 2
Months. He's has his daughter every other week and I spoil her rotten. I also cook and clean.

Any feedback would be great.
Thank you,
B

Shouldn't it be based on

Shouldn't it be based on income? I make 40k he makes over 200k.
What is a fair number per month for living there?

That was a error on my end.

That was a error on my end. I'm actually quite good at math LOL .

It's his house. If he says

It's his house. If he says 50% is fair, then that's what it is. If you don't agree, move out and pay 100% in your own place.

Working out a compromise is

Working out a compromise is fair, an outright refusal to pay anything is unfair.

Many people use percentages either based on how many people in the household they are responsible for and/or income. So by income that you should pay 20% of the bills and he pays 80%, if you wanted to look at take home pay each month, these figures might be slightly different.

Sit down with him, work out all the bills, find one that is around 20% of the total and offer to pay it. Also work out the household chores and split them 50/50. Then work out a system for every day expenditures such as groceries, meals out, fun times, gas if you share a car, things for his daughter - who is going to pay for what and when?

Personally for me I have always split things 50/50 even when I was earning less, bills were split equally and we had a joint account where we put the same amount of money in each month and joint expenses like groceries and trips out came out of that. We would each decide occasionally to spoil the other and pay for the movies or something out of our personal accounts. Having said that the salary differences weren't as great as yours and we also found a way to live that was within my means at that lower salary level.

Getting finances and chores sorted and working it out together so that no one feels taken advantage of is an important step in a cohabiting relationship. Have the difficult conversations now and work out a solution that works for the two of you so that later on you don't have the same problems coming up time and time again.

ETA: I did live with a boyfriend who had a mortgage for a brief while. As the house was his and mortgage was his, it was affordable for him to pay it 100% on his income, I however didn't feel comfortable not contributing anything while using the house as my own, so I paid him what we called "household maintenance" money every paycheck at an amount that we agreed on. It was less than rent would have been elsewhere, and affordable by me but it helped him out and made things feel more equitable for us. Leaving the relationship neither of us felt that we had been hard done by financially by the other.

If you don't want to

If you don't want to contribute the $$ he wants, then just move back to your other house.

Anyone living with me has to

Anyone living with me has to pay half of the household bills. The fact that I earned much more than exDF did not matter to me.

If you can't afford to pay half, then it's time to move out. How in the world to move in with someone and expect them to suppory you?

Yep. It costs XX.xx to

Yep. It costs XX.xx to support the home I had when DH moved in, so he definitely paid his fair share.

Yabbut! HIs standard of

Yabbut! HIs standard of living is way higher than OP due to his higher income level. He can't expect her to contribute equally if he wants to live based on his income.

He is being a douche bringing this up after the fact. I would move back to my own house and to hell with him. If he uses your shore house for a week or more - charge him 1/4 of the expenses per week.

Don't stay at his house so he can't say ditto - you pay equally too.

Wow - he is a jerk IMO.

Edited to add: This should all have been discussed prior to moving in. Big mistake there.

If she can't afford his

If she can't afford his standard of living, then she shouldn't have moved into his home. :?

This should have bern worked out before the move. But who knows, the poor man probably never expected a grown behind woman to get away with not supporting herself.

Staying with a SO for a few weeks isn't the same as living with a SO.

Please forgive me if I have

Please forgive me if I have misunderstood you mustang2008. Are you saying that because one person makes substantially less then the other, they shouldn't be together? The one making the lesser amount is a user because they want to stretch for that higher lifestyle? If my understanding is correct, based on this philosophy no one should ever date or marry outside of their pay-bane (the poor can only date the poor, the rich can only date the rich).

If the person with the lower

If the person with the lower income expects to be supported, instead of pulling his/her weight finacially, then yeah they shouldn't be together.

I have asked him now a few

I have asked him now a few times of how much I should contribute every month, and he won't give me a number... And is still being cold to me. On top of that, he still being cold to me… It's hard for me to want to contribute when he's being this cold.

So his behavior makes it hard

So his behavior makes it hard for you to want to contribute, but it doesn't make you want to move out????

Chances are he is viewing you in a new light and rethinking the relationship.

You two need to start acting

You two need to start acting like adults with joint financial interests. He needs to set out how much the mortgage, water, electricity, gas and any other bills are each month. Then I suggest that you look up how much it would cost for you to rent a room in a similar household in your area. I would then look over all of these figures together and work out what a reasonable amount for you to contribute is. It is his house and his mortgage so he will benefit from it, I don't necessarily think that you should pay 50% of it if it is way over comparable rent prices as you are not benefiting from the asset, but you should contribute something to the household, after all who is going to pay if there is a leek in the roof or for other household maintenance and if you lived elsewhere you would have to pay something too. I would also bear in mind that in most places paying 30% or less of your income for a rent/mortgage is considered reasonable, bills of course come on top of that.
There is no magic formula, apart from getting all of the numbers together and having a calm conversation about it and working out which option works best for you two.

As in household bills and

As in household bills and other related expenses, perhaps not the best turn of phrase. Perhaps joint expenses would be better?

Depends on what he considers

Depends on what he considers "bills". Utilities are one thing but if it's half of his mortgage, that might be out of your price range considering what his salary is, then I would have a problem with that. Do you both still have mortgages on your homes?

Everybody does these things differently. Some split it depending on salaries and what each person can fairly afford, some do it 50/50, some take into consideration who does most of the cooking and cleaning and grocery buying; there's not just one way to do it. But you have to discuss it and agree or resentment will build.

He has a house that the two of you live in at times, you have a house that the two of you live in at times. Either talk to him about it and come up with something you can agree on or move back to your house.

Definitely something that should have been discussed prior to moving in with him. Although, since the two of you use both houses and you pay for the groceries (about $600.00 a month, right there), I can kind of see where it might not have occurred to you.

Had know idea how much money

Had know idea how much money he made when we got together. We met on the beach...

My you judge... Bad day?

But you had to know how much

But you had to know how much he made prior to moving in with him.

I had to have some idea what it would cost to live on his area ss opposed to his. You had to know that you would be expected to contribute financially to the household.

Anyone who moves in with someone and thinks purchasing groceries is all the have to contribute financially, will more than likely be viewed as a user.

Tried to "hook" him? People

Tried to "hook" him?

People with different salaries and lifestyles get together all of the time with no ulterior, financial motive.

I know...my filter has been

I know...my filter has been bruised. Sorry
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This board will do it to you. lol

Thank you. I give him the

Thank you. I give him the receipts, that way he sees what I buy. Honestly I don't eat most of it, as
I'm working and going to school, and eat on the run. Not that it matters. But I do pick up
half the going out stuff too.

I was given the ultimatum to move in with him,
As he could not do a long distance relationship.

I up rooted myself for him, and had to find a new job and college.

I still have a mortgage and can't afford to pay half of his bills. He knows this, but still won't give me a number of what he thinks is fair,
Nor does he want me to sell or rent my shore house...

I'm sorry that some people on her think that I'm
Woman child. That I am not. I'm am just new to this situation.

People on this board should not cut others down. That is childish.

Im on the fence here. This

Im on the fence here. This should have been talked about BEFORE moving in.

I also think he is kind of being a turd IF HE EXPECTS YOU TO PAY HALF. There is too much of a discrepancy in pay for that to actually happen. Sit down and figure out percentages. And then stick to that. Let him buy the groceries and cook and clean some also. And in turn he needs to pay on your home on the months he stays there.

You say he won’t give you a figure…you figure out the bills and all and then YOU give him a figure. I would be gone if he really is expecting you to pay half of everything.

People on this board should

People on this board should not cut others down. That is childish.
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This MUST be your first time here huh? lol. Sad but it is what it is.

Dang...I think I posted my

Dang...I think I posted my response somewhere else. lol

Basically you are now paying WAY more than you were before you moved in with him, right? You are paying for your house and now part of his house.

Are you sure he makes as much as he is saying? I know you are not married but dang...he is expecting too much and it would make me mad.

Yes, he does make that much.

Yes, lots.

I would rent out your beach

I would rent out your beach house, on a salary of 40k it isn't really possible to afford a holiday home/beach house plus contribute to the house where you are living. It isn't his decision if you rent that place out or not.

Well everyone here is saying

Well everyone here is saying 50/50. I disagree. He has a child and must have a room for her, etc, etc. I'm saying OP's "fair share" is 33%.....oh trust my SO and I had this "issue". It was 50/50 when he had daughter and I had son (50%), when my other BS moved in all hell broke loose. My SO's " fair calculation was3/5th's for me 2/5th for him. Doesn't matter one of my BS's was only there 50%. He had a room "full time" and so I say OP offers 33%.

So, he wants the beach house,

So, he wants the beach house, which YOU pay the mortgage, property tax and utilities on, to be available for when he wants to use it, therefore, he does not want you to sell it or rent it out (which I wouldn't at this point in the relationship, anyway). But he wants you to pay for half of his bills, on top of the what you already pay for groceries and whatever else you pay for? And you do his cooking and cleaning, too?

Gee, who's using who?

Sorry, an ultimatum like he made after 6 months of dating? I would have moved ON, not in. And I would now move back to my own home.

Exactly!

A meeting of the minds should

A meeting of the minds should have occurred before moving in. The fact that he gave you an ultimatum to move in versus a long distance relationship AND doesn’t want you to rent/sell the beach house but still plans on using the vacation retreat would make me think that the status quo would remain. I don’t blame the OP for being confused by this man’s actions.
Now you just need to decide what conditions you’ll accept in this “financial arrangement” moving forward and stick to it. A lot of members made it sound like the OP is expecting something for nothing but to me it looks like the boyfriend is the one guilty of that.
Figure out what you can afford and would be happy with. Personally though, I would rather be on my own after finding out that the man who so desperately wanted you to move in is now expecting you to pay a good portion of HIS mortgage while still keeping up your home that he uses (albeit a few times a year, but payments must still be year round) but doesn’t expect to make payments there. You both purchased the home that your income afforded you and for your SO to now expect you to pay beyond what you’re already doing sounds to me like he is using you.

I have a home of my own but I

I have a home of my own but I moved in with dh when he bought a house last year. My mother now lives in my house and pays the bills while I continue the mortgage, taxes and insurance. I pay for half the groceries and miscellaneous household items but dh pays the housing costs. I'm not getting a free ride, I can't contribute any more.

Put all your housing costs together for the shore house (mortgage, taxes, insurance, bills, upkeep, etc), what you contribute to his home and your general living expenses. Break it down monthly with your income and show him that you can't afford more. If he makes that much, he may have forgotten what it's like to have every paycheck disappear before you get it.

It's one thing to contribute

It's one thing to contribute 50% to a home that you co-own and helped pick out. But since I bought an expensive home (which I can afford on my own) it would be stupid and obnoxious of me to demand that DH (who makes much less) pay 50% of MY mortgage.

I completely agree with

I completely agree with luvmypuppy, geterdone, and notasm.

He is nickel and diming you for HIS expenses but he is not contributing to your beach house which you still have to support and he gets to use no less. I would absolutely move out back to my beach house.

First of all, I would not have moved in without the wedding license anyway. I like things to have a good and clear boundary. Move in, baby? Sorry, I could not possibly afford that house (plus I just don't do 'live together'). The day he's ready to say "I must have you, we will make all our decisions together, including financial, we will become a legal unit and reserve our highest loyalty for each other" that's the day you can start talking about who lives where and who pays what.

He does not get to summon you to the Manor House then take control of YOUR finances while retaining control of his own. In your circumstances I would not feel like a cherished life partner.

Girl, he is an opportunist,

Girl, he is an opportunist, rent a room until semester finishes and move back to your house. He is afraid of a bad bargain, this is why he is not giving you a number. If anything, you should be cold with him not vs.

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