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Counseling for BS

Chocoholic's picture

Okay, my son's dad is acting like an ass again....
Heres the story: My son was invited to join a divorce support group at his school. It involves meeting with the school counselor and a group of children once a week for 1/2 an hour each time for 4 weeks.
Well dad's wife didn't like the idea.... dad's wife is overbearing to the point that dad has to sneak behind her back to meet with me or call me to make decisions about our son. This woman makes degrading comments about me to my son, and has done so since he was born... for instance when my son was 2 she taught him to say "mommys a fat ugly cow".... she won't allow my son to call me 'mom' in her presence and demands that he call me by my first name. In the end I kind of feel badly for this lady because she is living a miserable, jealous, existance.... but then I remember that she is creating her own hell, and then I don't feel so badly for her. So, my son is now old enough to see through her lies.... By the way, as much as I don't like SM, I have NEVER spoken a bad word toward her anywhere near my son.... in fact, when my son says bad things about his SM I tell my son that maybe he misunderstood, or maybe she didn't mean it that way... the last time I said that when my son told me things she was saying about me.... my son looked at me and said "No mom, she meant it the way she said it, she is not a nice person".
The bottom line is that I can assume that SM doesn't want my son in counseling because she fears what may come out about her.... Anyway, SM called the school and asked for my son to be removed from the sessions.... school counselor and the principal were concerned that she was calling and so they contacted their attorney whom told them that BOTH parents need to consent when there is a Joint Custody arrangement. Then the school called and told me the above. After that, the counselor and principal called dad in a conference call and told him their thoughts on the counseling sessions.... counselor told him that son was benefiting and learning and she thinks he should attend.... Dad didn't budge.... So now I am strongly considering taking dad to court over this. Counselor is very concerned and will write a statement regarding her conversation with dad as well as her concerns.... The sessions are nearly over, but I still think son would benefit from one-on-one sessions with the school counselor or another counselor all together.... There is so much behind all of this as on top of dealing with my ex and his wife, I am married to the most wonderful man in the world who unfortunately has a completely psychotic ex-wife and now my DH's ex-wife and my son's step-mom are getting together to try and make DH and I look bad in court!! Fortunately the court is not as stupid as they seem to think.... Okay, this is getting really long.... any thoughts would be appreciated.

Chocoholic's picture

Anyone have any advice?

BlueberrysBaby's picture

I stand by my previous post about not encouraging a man to sneak around on his wife, but... Choco, dat bitch is crazy!!!

The only advice I can offer is document, document, document because it sounds like some authority outside of your blended family is going to have to step in for your son's best interests. Even if it's just you keeping a journal of all of this stuff, DOCUMENT. After phone calls with the school, send a quick letter, email, fax saying, "To confirm our telephone conversation earlier today..." and lay out what was discussed and action steps that were decided.

Is there any way your son can get into private counseling? Like through an EAP at your employer? Is mutual consent required for ANY counseling? How does his dad REALLY feel about this and is SM in the joint custody agreement or just his BD? Where does she get off?

What corked it for me was her not letting him call you "Mom" in front of her. Good Lord. I can understand not wanting her husband to call you "Babe" or even you not wanting your son to call HER "Mom" but damn... you ARE his Mom and you have the stretchmarks to prove it!

Blueberry's Baby
J/K about the stretchmarks thing - don't uh... don't get offended... I hope...

Chocoholic's picture

Its funny too because I don't and have never had any problem with my son calling her 'mom'... she is his 'mom'... she does everything that I do when son is with them and I'm cool with it. BUT, yes, she will not allow my son to call me "mom" anywhere near her... he is not even allowed to talk about me, his stepdad, his sister, or anything else that has anything to do with me in her presence... The court long ago found that she was making false CPS reports against me, filing false police reports, lying to investigators, and attempting to alienate my son from me.... What did the court do?? Tell her not to do it anymore. Its all really sad because son's dad and I get along just fine... DH and son's dad get along great... BUT she keeps causing problems for everyone... My only solace is the fact that my son is now old enough to know who I am... what kind of mom I am.... and now he doesn't believe a word SM says... Its really sad, all the while she was trying to make my son hate me... and he now hates her.... Go figure.
I guess there is some good that comes of it though... I learned how NOT to be a stepmom to my stepkids!

By the way I DO have the stretchmarks to prove it!!

Anonymous's picture

I have read some of your other responses and it says that you and the DH do not get along and now it is saying that you guys do get a long. You sound confused. Have you ever thought that maybe if you made an effort to get along with the SM maybe it would do your son some good? Why do you think she hates you so much anyways? People do not hate people for no reason. Plus why do you think your son needs counseling?

didddos's picture

I think your ex is married to my DH's ex! They sound like the same person!!!

We're fighting to get SS to have an assessment for possible learning disabilities. BB has fought it, but now the school is on our side and is pushing as well. Social services demanded that SS get counseling. BB took him twice (which met the requirement) and refused to bring him again. He has behaviorial/impulse problems.

We're possibly going to be filing a motion for custody. Not only do we want physical custody, but we want legal custody too. BB has proven that SS's best interests don't matter to her. We'll have to get a GAL involved. I hope and pray that the system will work for us *this time*.

I wish I had some advice for you, but I'm finding it hard to find the right decisions in our situation too.

The only thing that I can think of is to have the counselor write a letter to your ex. I think a counselor could *MAYBE* persuade your DH to see what damage this woman is doing to her son.

Thank God I have a lot of hope and prayers in me. I need them. I'll share some with too!

PPV40's picture

I'm from a divorsed home and I'm divorced and have a great relationship with BDF - My Husband even gets along with him and we always think of our wonderful Daughter first and to make a long story short it's really what ever is best for the child(ren) that is the most important. My Husband is forever having fight after fight with his ex - she is only thinking about herself nothing about the children...

Chocoholic's picture

I have one DH (2 stepkids from him), I have one ex-husband (whom I get along with wonderfully with both him and his new wife) and one ex-boyfriend whom I had a child with when I was very young (I do not get along with that one.... for the most part.... we get along and work things out just fine so long as his wife doesn't know about it). Unfortunately he has yet to grow a pair...