This crazy woman we have to deal with
I am new to the site, and so glad it is here. I am a new step parent; granted my husbands ex doesn't really allow us to see his daughters, so I don't really know what the step parent part is like. Hopefully, that will change. However, I am learning all too well what his ex is like. I don't understand women who can be so vindictive.
My husband has two girls from his first marriage. She left him, cheated on him, and is doing the usual fun things. She is using the kids as pawns in her sick little game and is making sure to put herself right in the middle of us. I know she does it because we are truly happy and she does not want him to be happy, even though she filed for divorce. To paint a picture of how this ex: she sent her kids to her parents house for two weeks and proceeded to move into her new house (that she has led us to believe she owns, and we have not been able to prove otherwise) with her boyfriend, her boyfriends mother and her boyfriends brother and his girlfriend. She told the girls when they were driving into the driveway about this new change. (That is just one of many fun examples.)
When she found out my husband and I were engaged, she hit my husband with a lawsuit to take his visitation rights down to 2 DAYS a MONTH. That's a total of 24 days a year, and in her usual controlling messed up way, she and her lawyer made no stipulations for holidays, birthdays, school vacations, summer vacations. (We have recently found out the ONLY reason she is giving the court as to why we should not have the girls for overnights, is because she's worried we will have sex. I guess living in sin with her boyfriend and her having sex in her own home is a much better model for her children. UGH!)
We used all our honeymoon money for a lawyer, we were able to have his girls in our wedding, but that is pretty much all the lawyer helped us do. This month we had to let the lawyer go, as we can't afford his fees any more.
She has dredged up two very lame attempts and filed against him in small claims court over a bill she ran up while they were married, and now claims he owes her two sums of money, one for 2k, and one for 5k. We have the paperwork to back up that she is wrong. But it doesn't help to have the marshals office showing up at our door all the time.
The two of them do not communicate well. When she calls, she begins screaming at him within moments and knows exactly how to push his buttons, so she does. He has made the stipulation that he will only have email contact with her. That does help quite a bit. We purchased a cell phone for his kids in which they can only call my husband and I and his parents.
Still, my story, sadly, is not very different than the ones I had read on this site. I hate that I am now a statistic, and hate that this woman has caused me to find such anger and hatred within myself. I am lucky though, My husband does not allow me any contact with his ex, which is probably good, I don't know if I could refrain myself from trying to shake some sense into her!!!!! Still, I am a woman of action, if there is a problem with my life, I like to DO SOMETHING about it, fix it. I have had to stand by the man I love this last year and watch as his spirit be crushed by this woman with each moment she changed her mind as to whether or not he could see his kids and with each hateful email she sends and with each stupid lawsuit she brings up.
She obviously knows what she is doing by not allowing his girls to see them, and she obviously does not have her children's best interest in mind.
We have made some serious attempts to keep her out of our home. We try to let her issues stay outside our threshold once we are in the home we built together. We do not speak ill of their mother when the girls are at our house, though I have almost bitten my tongue in half many times when the girls spout things their mom has said. When we do have the girls, which is infrequently, we have had to have some pretty big talks about what's going on, how we DO love them, how our home is their home too. We have had to develop a quick very open dialog between us all in order to combat her.
The girls obviously love their father very much, when he shows up they run to hug him and rarely let go until they have to go home. While she is not a bad mother, she still uses her children, and that can't be good for the kids. They always seem to be healthy and happy when they come over to our house. But I worry about what living with 'roommates', having a mother who is filling their head with HER truth of their father, and not allowing their father to develop a relationship with them will effect them in the long run. I surely wish she would see the future and see that she is doing more damage than good.
So there is my venting. I do feel better getting this all out there, even if it's just to put it somewhere where people understand what I'm going through. I hate his ex, and I don't hate people.
I am so frustrated, especially this time of year, when she is offering him, not the whole Christmas break, but exactly 5 hours on Christmas day for us to see his kids.
I hate how we have to take whatever table scraps she offers just because she can afford a lawyer and she is trying to control everything and the court date concerning visitation isn't until January of 09.
So if I were asking for any advice, it would not be sympathy on how nuts and unfair this woman scorned is. I get that part.
What I would like to know, is how do you build a new life, a new attitude, a happy home together with a good man and continue on with a healthy relationship when this dark cloud refuses to go away? How do you drown out the screaming and try to build something while there are children who are not allowed to be part of our lives.
Thanks for listening. I needed to get all that out.
first welcome
thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you and DH have a strong bond, and have approached this in the best possible attitudes, preserving the love and peace of your home and relationship as much as possible, while still trying to be an active and loving part of of the girls lives. I don't really understand why the BM has managed to shut him out of their lives so effectively, 2 nights a month is hardly a way to keep a strong relationship with their father, and I'm surprised a court would agree to that.
I guess all in all, I wanted to say i think you are doing things right. Make those 5 hours count on Christmas day, make the happy and celebratory, with no hint of frustration or displeasure with the situation. I think you would handle it this way anyway. Continue to be the positive, devoted and supportive people in their lives that you have been already. Hopefully this will foster, even in such brief times of seeing her, a loving and respectful relationship with you and DH, and as the kids grow older, they will see the situation and the true colors of those involved, and make their own choices.
We are that lucky with SD. BM denied FH access to SD numerous times throughout her life, and behaved horribly. The result? SD loves her father so much, loves being with us, respects us both, and wants to live with us instead of BM, who has treated her badly, used her as an emotional crutch, dragged her from unstable situation to unstable situation without apology. It's sad SD's been put through this, but she clearly understands who has her best interests at heart, and her loyalty lies there.
Welcome to a great site, there are many wise and giving women (and a few men) here who give their time and hearts to care about others and support others going through these difficult situations, I have been lucky enough to get to know some of them, and appreciate their input and advice very much!!!!!
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
I'm so sorry you're going
I'm so sorry you're going through this, but it sounds like you're doing the best job possible in an impossible situation! Keep talking to those girls & telling them how much you guys love them. BM can fill their heads all she wants, but if you guys keep showing & telling them how much you love them, they will see through her. Even at a young age, kids pick up on things. They WILL pick up on the love you guys have for them. And obviously they do if they run to their father as soon as they see him. Thats a very good thing. As far as the lawyer thing goes...if she has no valid reason to cut visitation back, I don't see how a judge would agree to this. If you absolutely cannot afford a lawyer for the Jan court date, just document everything she's doing (badmouthing father, withholding children, unstable living enviorment...if she even brings up the sex thing she will sound ridiculous considering you guys are married & she is living with just a boyfriend.)& tell the judge your side, make it be known that you want as much visitation as possible! Ask that she be court ordered not to make derogatory comments to the kids about their father and ask for a holiday rotation schedule. Remember, just because she's paying some lawyer and asking the court for things, it doesn't neccessarily mean she's going to get them, especially with no good reason. try not to stress about it & hope for a good judge.
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
I have tears in my eyes,
I have tears in my eyes, because it sounds exactly like our story. Four years later this dark cloud follows us around. BM can afford a lawyer and uses it at her whim, as for us it financially drained us. The thought of us being happy fuels her anger.
The only advise I have for you is to get a sealed tight modification agreement. You really have to do your homework so that it has every detail in it. If she does not follow it, it could lead up to change of custody. We have it down to the day and time. Vactions are rotated, holidays ..we have the kid every fathers day..she has them every mothers day. We see the child on his birthday for 2 hours, if it falls on our day she sees him for 2 hours. BM cant move the kids out of state or more then 40 miles away. BM cant do a medical procedure without tell Dad first. on and on Leave no rock unturned. If their is a problem you should be able to go to the agreement to get the answer. I wish I could send you a copy of ours, its so tight, but it took my husband 4 years to get it that way. Also in the agreement make sure that $ decision have to be agreed upon.. BM decided one day that she wanted her kid in an ultra private school.
Big $$$$$,
Also lawyers, not everyone of them really care to cover every angle, so talk to people,
I know I sound like "who is the lady?" but I lived it and still do, the best thing is when she trys to pull something ...you can just email her NOPE sorry cant do that nice try?
BM still wont go away, but at least you could control her. Good luck, Im sorry too that people can be this way, nobody was shocked more then I was when she started the drama.
Thank you
Just thank you for your comments. It really means a lot, I don't like that we have to go through this, but its so nice to know that while we are, we are not alone.
thanks again.
forgot to tell ya
Things will get better and the stress level will go down, after she is under control, Our family is at a better place, once she knows she cant pull the strings.
She still gives us a hard time but with the new agreement she knows she is pressing her luck.
I am sitting her crying!!! I
I am sitting her crying!!! I can't thank you all enough for your feed back, oh it means so much to me. I just needed those 'I'm not alone' voices. Especially this time of year. Thank you thank you thank you.
aw mntgirl
u dont have to thank us...we are family here and u are part of that now!! u are among friends and we all understand. u sound like a great SM and ur DH is lucky to have u, and so are the skids! hoepfully ur court date will go well and DH will get more visitation, like northern said, i cant imagine a judge liking that little contact w their dad...they like to keep it so the kids dont go w/o seieng either parent for more than 7 or 10 days from what ive heard.
good luck and welcome!
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
The best revenge is living well
Believe that BM's life IS NOT good. Like Tuscan said Karma will get her - that is a fact. Our lawyer told me the same thing and boy was ahe rigth - I wanted to laugh when BM's husband was arrested and placed on house arrest for failure to pay child support! My H and I provide 100% financially for skids - to know BM married a deadbeat is Karma - birds of the feather can got to jail together : )
My addition to the pile.
If you have 20 minutes, read this, it really opened my eyes:
DIVORCE RELATED MALICIOUS MOTHER SYNDROME
http://www.fact.on.ca/Info/pas/turkat95.htm
I have more to say now...hehe.
Yeah she's a wench.
We went to court also because there was like 1/2 a paragpah talking about the original visitation. Not good enough for our liking. He moved to live with me 1300 miles away from the kids and that bit a little when we went to court. BM doesn't have to pay anything for travel for the girls (SD13, 9, 5) to come see us BUT! They do get to come see us! We won in that respect. BM would have him come to their home town each time if she had her way. We get them every other holiday a year. Christmas we get them every year but on the 26th until the night before they go back to school. We'll never get them on Christmas day...which makes me sad for my children (when I have them) that they will never have Christmas with their sisters. What also sucked big time for us is that the judge once was a lawyer for BM's father! He's the only family judge in town so we got screwed there. But, if there is a next time, we're going to the next county over if we get stuck with him again.
Anyhoo... The advice I got for free from a local lawyer before we went to court (who could represent us in court because she's in VA and the case was in AR) told me to come up with our dream plan for visitation. Like over estimating and coming do to reality. If you can give that "parenting plan" to BM first and she totally says no, then you know you have a great plan in your hands. Then you really have ammo in court. "We tried to work this out with her before court and she didn't want any part of it." Then, bingo, points for you! I also can't believe a judge would agree to two days a month. What a rip!
As for your lawyer, get a new one when you do go back to court. WTF? You're paying for that lawyer, s/he works for you. What you want goes. BM has a lawyer that I can't believe he puts up with her crap personally. She's a real nag (even the Child Support lady for the state thinks so - haha). The lawyer is your legal voice not your boss.
Ok, I'm done now.