Curious if you've ever the had gut feeling DH still loves BM by his actions?
Maybe it's my insecurity but I can not ever stop thinking of this. I mean its EVERY day that goes by I wonder if he married me so he would not have to be alone and for me just to be a close friend? Maybe I'm wrong. He just acts as if his heart has been completley broken into and has that hurt look in his eyes when we are ever around her. I can actually feel it! Everything is great until we are around her. He will not hold my hand, put his arm around me, laugh & be happy like he normally would in places we normally go if SHE is there or can see us. When asking him about it he says he acts no different than any other times. I think it's because he deeply loves her,can not get over her and doesn't want to hurt her by her seeing him happy! She used to call him up to not just talk about the kids. She would call him to talk about everyday life especially after she would break up with boyfriend. One day he told me after the fact the she called him to just ask if he was really happy? WHY? He told me he told her he hasn't been this happy in a long time. I wasn't there to know what he told her but I do not believe that for a minute. He is like a scolded pup when she would ever call him. Now, she ONLY calls about the kids. I put her in her place last yr. Now its like if the Skids are at the house and BM calls to talk to them when they get off the phone, he asks whats your moms doing? Most of the times they look at him then me and tells him oh nothing. Really right in front of me.
Reading this makes me
Reading this makes me sad.
How long were they divorced before you got together with him?
8 yrs
8 yrs
How long were they
How long were they married?
Honestly, it sounds like your DH has some feelings that haven't been addressed. If *could* be that he loves her, but it could also be something else.
Maybe he feels guilty/grieves the loss of the "dream." Growing old together, having grandkids, etc.
Maybe he thinks she'll wig out seeing him be affectionate with you and just wants to avoid it.
Maybe he carries guilt over how and why the marriage ended.
I think there are many possibilities. You should talk to DH. Don't be defensive, or desperate, just talk to him without accusation. He may not even realize he acts differently when she's around.
Yes. It's just as likely that
Yes. It's just as likely that he's feeling like a failure in some sense as it is "still in love with her." My DH acts the same way around his former wife, but he says to me all the time "I don't understand how i thought she was the right woman for me. How could i not see?" It's like he's failed himself in some way, and like knucklehead says, grieves the loss of the "perfect life."
As a step-parent, i grieved a similar loss when i had to go through accepting a step-child. So, i think it's pretty natural.
But, you still have the right to ask him to not chat with his ex if it bothers you. It's kind-of inappropriate anyway.
I am not familiar with your
I am not familiar with your background, so I guess I have a few questions before I could really address your issue.
How long have BM and Dh been split up? And did he leave her or she leave him?
I can tell you that DH left BM in my case. And it took a few YEARS (probably 2 or 3) for him to show any kind of affection toward me, just because BM would stare and act awkward. I am not saying that I expected him to make out with me in front of her, but we are a very affectionate couple. After 7 1/2 years together, we still hold hands in bed. So it was disturbing to me that he would let go of my hand as soon as BM was around (i.e. school functions etc). When I asked him about it, he said "BM makes it awkward she stares and whispers and points and if I give her nothing to talk about then she can't complain". I could understand and respect not wanting to stir a pot. Eventually it stopped. Now he has no problem acting very normal when she is around. It's been long enough that even if she DOES have a problem, she can just deal with it.
Divorced 8 yrs. They were
Divorced 8 yrs. They were married for 16 yrs. She had an affair and wanted the divorce. He didn't want the divorce. She left and he had the 3 kids pretty much all the time while she ran around. When they divorced he refinanced the house & gave her 10K so she could build her house. He tells me he had too or she wouldn't sign the papers. I know better. He wanted to let her know he would still do anything for her. She used to call him while we dated & have him go by while she was at work to fix stuff. He done it. She did remarry but lasted 1.3 yrs and she was thinking about divorcing him & had the nerve to ask DH to take his name back and he told me he told her yes. I asked him why would you? He sd because the kids wanted him too. (Thats an excuse kids didn't know anything about it.I asked them one day!) He knew it bothered me. Needless to say she didn't divorce him that time. But 6 mo later she called him while I was there and I could hear the conversation she was divorcing him and asked to take the name back again & DH told her NO probably not a good idea. She cried on him, told him that its just not the same with not having the kids last name. She asked him is it because you are with her(ME)? he never answered here and she hung up. I'm sure they talked after. She ended up taking her maiden name back. 2 mo later he asked me to marry him!
Divorced 8 yrs. They were
Divorced 8 yrs. They were married for 16 yrs. She had an affair and wanted the divorce. He didn't want the divorce. She left and he had the 3 kids pretty much all the time while she ran around. When they divorced he refinanced the house & gave her 10K so she could build her house. He tells me he had too or she wouldn't sign the papers. I know better. He wanted to let her know he would still do anything for her. She used to call him while we dated & have him go by while she was at work to fix stuff. He done it. She did remarry but lasted 1.3 yrs and she was thinking about divorcing him & had the nerve to ask DH to take his name back and he told me he told her yes. I asked him why would you? He sd because the kids wanted him too. (Thats an excuse kids didn't know anything about it.I asked them one day!) He knew it bothered me. Needless to say she didn't divorce him that time. But 6 mo later she called him while I was there and I could hear the conversation she was divorcing him and asked to take the name back again & DH told her NO probably not a good idea. She cried on him, told him that its just not the same with not having the kids last name. She asked him is it because you are with her(ME)? he never answered here and she hung up. I'm sure they talked after. She ended up taking her maiden name back. 2 mo later he asked me to marry him!
I totally get how you feel.
I totally get how you feel. My DH was married to his EX for 17 years and she decided she wanted a divorce (found another man). He was heart broken. He worked all of the time so that her and the kids could have a good life. I met him 3 years after he got divorced and it is now 8 years since they were separated. I sometimes just feel like he still has feelings for her. He was all tickled cause she texted him Happy Easter on Sunday.
Exactly ! My Dh had 2 jobs
Exactly ! My Dh had 2 jobs took care of the kids, cooked and done all the laundry when they were married. They were always broke she would tell him. She was and still is high maintanced. Why would she text him happy Easter? Just like she text my DH last year Happy Fathers Day! She texted him 11 min before she texted me to please tell him Happy Father Day for her.I never responded.I think it is a game they like to play. I told DH what she done and even told him it's a wonder she didn't text you HFD. I found out later than day she texted me. Only because DH was acting REALLY weird like something was bothering him. So I though maybe she texted him? When I got the chance I checked his phone & she did telling him HFDay we have 3 amazing kids. I asked him right after finding it I asked him when was he going to tell me she text him? He lied & sd he didn't get anything from her and I showed him. He sd I didn't hear my phone go off. I told him the texted was already opened. I just walked off. He DID NOT want me to know she text him. He should had told me she text him when I mentioned her texting me.
Totally can relate. My SO was
Totally can relate. My SO was married for 14 years. She left him for another man. Devastated him. He lost everything. Including his job because he couldn't function. Even contemplated suicide. She was his life. I came along 3 years after the divorce. They are now 5 years out from being together and sometimes I still feel like he has unresolved feelings. I am 12 years out from my relationship with my Ex. It took me 4 years to completely let him go after he left me. So I think that is where part of my worry comes in. But some times when BM calls and screams and yells at him for crap I see on his face how her words still affect him. If my ex did that to me I'd hang up. Our ex's dont get to treat us like shit anymore. And they don't get to wish us Happy Easter or Happy this or happy that. Boundries are hard if you are the only one who see's they need to be made. Just kinda sucks sometimes for us girls who are trying to create a new life.
Ugh! Yeah - you need to talk
Ugh! Yeah - you need to talk to him and get this stuff worked out. I can't imagine that happening.
OMG OMG OMG Yes!!! There is
OMG OMG OMG Yes!!! There is something about the way he talks to her, the sound of his voice or when he calls her a weiner in a jokingly way. It makes my skin crawl.
I actually found a text he sent to her telling her to turn the radio on their wedding song was playing!!!!!!
When he talks about his past he sayd WE, meaning him and her.... and he will do this with me standing beside him.
I've been with my SO for two years, but the back on my mind YES I do think she still loves her and this hurts me everyday
I have actaully tried to talk
I have actaully tried to talk to him about it. He denies having any feelings at all for her. He tells me I am the best thing thats ever happened to him.(I guess he says this because I do get quite and shut down when her name come up because I am observing his actions while my mind is thinking!)I was married for 16 yr divorced for 5 and I have NO feelings what so ever towards my ex & do not care what he is doing or who he is with. Unlike my DH as soon as he found out she was dating after her second divorce(I knew awhile back but never mentioned it)out of the blew he brings up to ME that he heard the she had a new boyfriend & said I wonder how much $ he has cause thats all she is after and then shakes his head & sd she's just crazy. I just looked at him and said does it bother you? He says shoot no I'm just glad I don't have to deal with her anymore. He knew he messed up telling me. This is why I feel like I do
That is sad to hear this.. I
That is sad to hear this.. I am not sure what to say My husband never i mean never talks to his ex unless it is about the kids and even then he hates talking to her.. i mainly handle things because he hates even speaking ot her---- she still ias inlove with him though..
Idk maybe he feels quilty about the marriage ending only because of the kids and that makes him act that way... maybe talk to him about these deep feelings and see where it goes..
You should encourage him to
You should encourage him to talk to someone. I'm not sure that you're the right person, the feelings he has to work through my me too hurtful.
Tell him how you feel and ask him for the sake of your marriage to talk to someone.
Also, let him know that you're uncomfortable when your around BM and that getting some extra attention from him would make things easier for you. Doesn't have to be a big production, just a quick hug or a squeeze of your hand. He should be willing to do something so simple to make you feel more comfortable.