Day 6: Can't say "goodbye" nor explain myself
My Day 1 story is in my previous post. Today is Day 6.
SD10 is extremely upset that I'm moving out. She missed school and is crying a lot from what I hear. She and I are very close and her father told her and her sisters that I was moving out without me as a part of the conversation.
I wanted to reach out to all of them myself but was told not to. I have also offered to talk to her myself but I'm getting no response of yes or no - just blame that I caused all of this. I'm really worried that I won't be able to talk to her and say goodbye and that she's going to hate me forever. I am so sad at this thought. It is also frustrating that I cannot speak for myself - I don't want to go into all the gnarly details (would never do that) but I do want to hug her and tell her that I'd love to always be a part of her life, that I'd pick her up to do things now and then if she wanted that and if her parents were okay with it. She is the sweetest, caring child and suffers from anxiety and I'm so upset and worried that she's taking this so hard.
Have you experienced this? What happened? I'm asking for another lifeline from this group.
I dayed a man with 3 young
I dated a man with 3 young kids for about 3 years and, not gonna lie, after the breakup, I never spoke with them again. I thought it would be better for everyone if we made a clean break and all moved on. That's just my own experience, though. If they had reached out to me, i would have responded positively, but they didn't and that was ok.
I am very sorry for you and
I am very sorry for you and for that little girl. Based on what I've read about her father, the chance of you staying in this girl's life seems pretty slim. I hope I'm wrong. There are some instances where the step parent has kept in touch with the step kids after the relationship was over, but I don't think it's too common.
If he indulges his daughters so much, maybe he will allow it, if that's what she wants. But, he's probably worried about what you might tell her, what kind of influence you might have on her. He might think you have some ulterior motive.
I'm glad you are out of that toxic situation but it is hard, leaving those that you care about.
Unfortunately, I am on "the
Unfortunately, I am on "the clean break" bandwagon. It is very difficult but makes life much less complicated and guarantees that there will be no conflict. I'm sorry.
I'm team clean break and good riddance.
I feel for both you and the little girl but the yank and bank of her emotions of you trying to stay in her life is risky and I highy doubt a Judge or her parents would hallow it until she reaches 18. Don't make things any worse than they are for this little girl.
If you want, keep a journal for her of thinking of her, missing her, loving her. Things going on in your life. Activities you would like to do with her, restaurants you think she would like, etc.. when you reconnect. Then when she turns 18, reach out and see if the two of you can establish a relationship separate from her parent and family relationships.
Don't reach out to her until she reaches the age of majority. There isn't anything you can do for her until then. Do not feel guilty, do not let the fee fees interfere in your path forward to your best life.
IMHO of course.
Take care of you.
Thank you, this makes a lot
Thank you, this makes a lot of sense. I definitely don't want to make things worse for her.
I don't think you need to
I don't think you need to stay in her life but I do think saying goodbye and that you love her provides some closure to help everyone move on. That may be impossible if the parents don't allow it. Allowing kids to have a proper goodbye to friends, family or babysitters that are left behind helps the child be able to process and move on but I know a lot of parents just rip kids away with no goodbyes. It's sad.
OP - she participated in your
OP - she participated in your exclusion. You need to cut off contact. She has a mom and a dad - they ALL want their parents back together (Parent Trap).
Do NOT think that this SD is going to be loyal to you. If you communicate with her, nothing you say will remain private. She will share it with all of them, and at some point may accuse you of harassing her.
At the very least, she will be used by the others to find out information about you.
Whatever you felt for her, don't trust it. She will be 18 soon enough and if she wants to be in a real relationship with you, she will find you. But, I still wouldn't trust it.
THIS!
THIS!
Yes, OP, your youngest SD participated in the exclusion. And yes, 10 is old enough to know better and to know what she was doing.
And with all due respect, what exactly does, "from what I hear" mean in relation to finding out that your SD was such a wreck over your moving out that she had to stay home from school? The reason I ask is because I'm not sure I believe it. I'm wondering if that God forsaken family of cretins wanted you to think that so you'd be even more hurt that you can't say good-bye to your youngest SD. I'm wondering if the person who heard it from was twisting the knife. If so, it worked. Because here you are, even more upset that you can't say good-bye to what you're picturing as a little girl who is crying and devastated over you moving out. I'm thinking that you "heard" that your youngest SD was a wreck because that news is a power play to crank up the pain for you.
I'm sorry to say that because it sounds awful that even your little buddy didn't like you all that much. I mean, she may have, but she wouldn't have been allowed to. In the end she is one of them.
Unfortunately, you may have to grieve for the little girl you thought she was.
Part of your grieving
Unfortunately this is going to be part of the This Really Suks package. Grieve for all of this, allow yourself permission to grieve and then let go, knowing that the future holds much greatness for you, and there is always that possibility that in the future she will reach out or you two will connect.
I thought I had a wonderful relationship with SD18 Powersulk. This lasted to about 12, from age 8. I had to grieve that loss, and in a way still grieve it.
Yeah, the "This Really Sucks
Yeah, the "This Really Sucks Package" just keeps growing LOL. Thank you for replying - it helps.
The beauty of the "This Really Sucks Package" is that it ends.
Embrace the grief, work through the grief process, and "This Really Sucks" eventually turns into a lesson that contributes to living your best life. I know it is hard when you are in the throws of the suckage, but, "even bad days have tomorrows" as my painted rock made for me by my mom when I was in the throws of some teen angst driven suckage many decades ago. Painting rocks with beautiful flowers, trees, butterflies, the sun and an inspirational phrase was one of mom's hobbies many moons ago. That rock has been either on my night stand or on my desk at work for as long as I can remember.
So, embrace the suck. Live in the now focused on a great tomorrow, and so on, and so on, and so on. Eventually this particular Suck Package will be a rare unpleasant memory that will have been instrumental in getting on with living your best life.
Take care of you.
CLove, thans for introducing the This Really Suks Package. What a great model to introduce.
Thanks, Rags. I have been
Thanks, Rags. I have been embracing it and just taking it day by day. It's good to sense that my nervous system is calming down and I'm able to think more clearly. It is also becoming clear as to the depression I was having to muster up the energy to override every single day for at least two years. Didn't make it out of bed on many days. It is wonderful to go to work the past few business days with a clearer head and I must say a more cheery disposition. All in all, good stuff, but I'm still feeling that 'habit' of checking the phone, wondering, playing the 'what-if' game in my head, etc. I know this will subside in time.
It sounds like you're doing
It sounds like you're doing great! I've been wondering about you. Keep it up!
Aw thank you :)
I am constantly amazed at the kindness of complete internet strangers. Thank you for that. It means so much, especially when we feel so alone.
The trendline is improving. Better now that exSO has been blocked. Now I just need to break the habit of looking at my phone and email every 5 minutes. It certainly makes me realize the toxic levels of anxiety I was living with prior to the split.
Step daughter
Hi sweetie, I've just joined this site but been a stepmother for nearly 18yrs. The YSD28 was 9 coming up almost 10 when we first met, moved in with us permanently at the age of 11 because madbiatch BM didn't like her refusal to make a malicious allegation against her dad, and didn't have any contact with her till YSD reestablished contact with her at the age of 18, when she left to go to uni (another story/saga) I was close to YSD for many years before this .
Unfortunately, YSD28 has always had huge jealousy/narcissistic issues and suddenly wanted dad's undivided attention. Her demands became irrational and she began a low level hate campaign against me. Trying to turn her older sister and my 3 bios against me (was hairy, but ultimately hasn't worked). DH sees right through any b*llocks straight away thank the lord! And I went no contact in late 2022, she still raises her ugliness occasionally, but I completely ignore the inane, toxic, vitriolic (great word) crap, and try to imagine her frustration at my disassociation.
My point is, that you have had a fairly decent relationship with the 10yo up till now (as I thought I had) but the imput from her birth family means that you will have absolutely no chance of it happening going forward. My advice is to walk away for both of you. Your ex was an arse
I'm fortunate to have met SS-32 when he was 15mos old.
His mom and I married the week before he turned 2yo. Though he has always known his BioDad, I am the first person he ever called "Dad(dy)". I' the only full time Dad he has ever had. His real life was in a high quality high performance family anchored by a strong marriage between two performing adults of character who made the marriage, and each other their priority and making and raising SS the top responsibility.
That foundation gave a kid a chance to overcome the toxic, manipulative, PASing, multigenerational failures of his BioDad, BioGPs, etc...
By the time SS reached the age of majority he had their number, knew the comprehensive facts of his own life history, what his mom had done and accomplished ot make a life for herself and for her child, and had seen her stand and defend him and herself from them his entire life. He had also seen me at her side, having her back and his, and setting the example of a man of character, a husband, a father, a son, a brother, and a professional. The topic of adoptio had come up a couple of times as he was growing up. Even in his late single digit ages he was clear on the topic. I was his dad. Papers would not change that. If we initiated an adoption it would cause hurt feeling in his bio paternal clan. About a decade later in his mid to late teens he repeated that perspective. He did approach his mom and I when he was 22yo and asked me to adopt him. We made that happen. 4 days after he asked, the Judge signed the adoption order. Which is a funny story for another time.
There is a very short start date for a SParent to join a marriage with someone elses young children. The younger the better. If a SKid is cursed with a shallow and polluted end of their gene pool represented by a crap evil parent, the earlier the SParent and the quality parent create their marriage and family, the better the odds of a successful raising of the failed family progeny that are present from day one of that relationship. Another critical success factor is the CP status of the SParent's spouse. If the SParent is the CSP, the better the chance of a positive outcome for the SKid/SParent relationship. Arguably the second most important critical success factor behind the age of the SKid at the start of the SKid/SParent relationship is distance from the opposition parent and their toxic extended family. The farther away the better.
We had the Royal Flush of blended family Poker hands that allowed us to win for our family, and for our son. 1. My DW was the CP with sole physical and legal custody from birth, 2she left SpermLand to University out of State with a 1yo on her hip and never again lived in SpermLand or any nearer than 1200 miles from SpermLand. 3. We met when SS was 15mos old. 4.Add in a long dist ance visitation schedule of 7wks/yr (5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring), 5. Add an education focused commitment for both DW and me, graduate degrees we each completed while married (DW finished her dual major undergrad 5yrs after we married), and a top tier professional certification for each of us in our respective fields, and two successful careers and the hand is pretty much unbeatable for our son, both of us, and our marriage.
The only one with a plan in all of this is my DW. She knew she had to prepare to build a life for herself and her kid, and to build a future for them both. I am fortunate to be a part of that.
I am sorry that your SKids drank the noxious Kool-Aid brewed by the shallow and polluted end of their gene pool ultimately breaking your heart.
Yes, I'm 26 days in and...
You are 100% correct. I'm 26 days post move-out and the smear campaign is at full throttle by OSD19.
Thank you for weighing in. I'm sorry you've had to endure that as well.