Dealing with Resentment After "Ours" Baby...
I'm currently siting here trying to figure out what to do with my newborn baby while shoveling the driveway and getting the car ready to pick up SD5 from school - and I know the baby is going to cry the entire 15-20 minutes we're in the car. This is my reality every. single. day. This is my first baby - my first maternity leave - and I can't help but feel like I should be enjoying it cuddled up in the house. I hate that I have to live like I have 2 kids when I never got to enjoy the ease that comes with only having your first.
My husband works full-time and I'm on mat leave so I'm stuck picking her up from school every day and it's starting to make me depressed. I spend the day dreading pick-up time because I know my poor child is going to cry the entire way. He hates his car seat. And now that it's winter, he's going to hate being left alone while I shovel and brush the car off. How do I deal with the resentment? I want so badly to have that special first baby experience but I don't get to.
And before anyone asks, BM
And before anyone asks, BM can't help because she's barely in the picture and doesn't see SD more than a couple times a year. And I know this is what I signed up for marrying a man with a child, but it's hard now that i'm feeling all of the maternal instincts. I hate, hate, hate the sound of my child crying and I hate that it's essentially because of SD. If it wasn't for her needing a ride home, I wouldn't have to put him in the car every day. I guess I just wanted to vent a little.
Please be careful blaming
Please be careful blaming your step daughter.
This isn't her fault and she's 5. This can turn into something that tears your family apart if your not careful.
I'm not trying to tell you off or get onto you but please again it's not because of SD. She has no power to impact any of this.
I know it's not her fault.
I know it's not her fault. I'm just venting - logically of course it's not her fault it's not anyone's fault. But in the moment when my baby is crying because I have no choice but to put him in a seat he hates and drive to get SD, I can't help but feel it's her fault.
I say this as politely as I
I say this as politely as I can but you HAVE to find a way to stop doing that because it will infect your interactions with your stepdaughter.
Think about this little 5 year old. She gets out of a nice day at school and jumps in the car with a mother figure who is mentally blaming her for her half brother's screaming. Or maybe now she's anxious about it and worries about it because she knows she's to blame.
How long before she starts to hate her little brother because she's being blamed that he's crying.
How long are you in the car
How long are you in the car for? How long does pick up take?
We're in the car for a total
We're in the car for a total of about 25 minutes. It's not that far away but the school doesn't even have parking so I have to park about a 5 minute walk away.
Agree this is in no way
Agree this is in no way because of SD. Babies cry. That's the reality. OP is feeling emotional which is normal but the 5 year old is just living her life.
I know. He got horribly sick
I know. He got horribly sick very fast at a month old and spent an entire night crying and I kept thinking "babies cry right" but he had a horrible fever and i took him to the hospital and found out he wasn't just crying he was dying and i can't get over it everytime i hear him cry i panic
You need to speak to a
You need to speak to a professional about this. You're dealing with a lot of stress and you need help before you do / say something you regret. Again this isn't an attack. I think your response is perfectly normal. Your child was very very ill. I couldn't imagine how that feels. It make since that you'd respond thinking its the worse case situation every time he cries.
Why can't she ride the bus
Why can't she ride the bus home?
We live within "walking
We live within "walking distance" apparently. It's a 15 minute walk there and 15 minute walk back. That's not the most feasible thing with a newborn when it's freezing cold out and our city does a crap job with the sidewalks - if they even bother doing them. Plus, my newborn has a crappy immune system as is because he was very ill (almost didn't make it) the first month of his life.
How would she get home from
How would she get home from school before you were on maternity leave?
My husband worked from home
My husband worked from home until recently. It's not an option now.
Can you hire someone to pick
Can you hire someone to pick her up from school and bring her home?
My husband worked from home
My husband worked from home until recently. It's not an option now.
Whose watching him while you
Whose watching him while you shovel the car? I'm guessing a baby monitor and he's napping?
I'm sorry you're overwhelmed and our system does not provide enough support to new mothers. Your partner should be allowed to be home with you. You should have support of family. There should be all sorts of other possibilities then what your presenting. I also understand there is not.
What I will say is it get's better. What were your feelings towards SD before you got pregnant? If they were good focus on that. Yes your now taking care of two children but that's just what it is.
This isn't a case where I feel anyone is in the wrong. It's just a sucky thing overall.
Do you have any family that can support you? Any friends? Maybe parents of your stepchild who you could connect with that could possibly bring the child home from school? Maybe there is some sort of after school program the 5 year old could be enrolled in? Look around for creative ways to solve this issue. Good luck.
There is nobody watching him
There is nobody watching him while I shovel. I am thinking the baby monitor if he naps. This is the first day my driveway has been snowed in - and i'm guessing it's the start of the driveway being snowed in every day this winter. I am hoping to god he naps because I am going to break down having to leave him crying in the car or house.
I was okay with SD before getting pregnant. Never perfect but we had an okay relationship. I have no family nearby. No friends nearby. I am looking into options. I have begged the school for a bus but nothing. They're working on finding another kid who's older who can walk her home. I'm hoping that works because I can't take this anymore.
I had prenatal depression the entire pregnancy and now I can feel the postpartum setting in. I'm still not over almost losing my baby a month ago. I feel awful when he cries.
Please make sure you are
Please make sure you are talking to your doctor about the postpartum. (((HUGS)))
Not sure what I feel about
Not sure what I feel about this because it doesn't seem like he's doing anything wrong. He's working to provide for the family while OP is on maternity leave. It doesn't feel like he's neglecting his parenting role.
We have no idea what things were like with his first child as it was a totally different home and world. We also do as step parents (future or otherwise) have a right to expect certain things of our partners. We have a right to ask them to step up and pull their weight.
In this case though he is it seems. He's working and that does currently leave it up to OP to get the second child. I'm going to take a shot here and say OP and hubby don't have the funds for him to just take off work early every day to go pick up the girl. Now OP and Hubby can work together to find a solution and it seems they are.
Lol its true though. I have
Lol its true though. I have albums and albums of pictures of ODD as a baby. I think I have half of one album for YDD. ODD has a completely filled out baby book. YDD I made it to page 5. There is a difference.
Females and males tend to
Females and males tend to react different to babies / are expected.
Rarely do males make baby books in your case.
On top of this our society does not press the importance of dad's role. Men don't get time off like females in our country. Other places they do.
We have no idea what this man was like with his first child.
I know from what I've been able to observed SO was the same with both of his kids. As was my dad. As is every other male in my family.
The women? Maybe not quite as eager to document EVERYTHING. After all I have half a baby book while my sister has a snippet of her hair stored in my book.
My bigger issue is this idea that as a second wife we don't have the right to expect top notch behavior from our partner. I think that's dangerous. You don't expect it / demand it then who's to blame when you don't get it?
If SO stars sliding on his responsibilities I call him out on it and he does better but if I just excuse him for whatever reason then it's my fault. Now if I'm making the demand and he's ignoring me there is another issue.
He is doing his part, yeah.
He is doing his part, yeah. He is working but I wouldn't say he provides for the family. We need his income but my mat leave pay is actually more than his regular pay. But he is doing his part. I just wish BM was doing hers. If she was responsible for her child I wouldn't be spending my mat leave worrying about picking her up every day, lol.
But you've said when you get
But you've said when you get off of maternity leave he will be staying home with the child? That is providing for the family.
He's done what he can to help pick up the slack by working out of the home.
I'm sorry but not everyone makes hundreds and thousands of dollars. Be careful saying he's not providing for your family because it feels like he's doing what he is capable of.
I make more than my SO but by no means would I say he's not providing for our home. I've had a spouse who didn't before. He quit his job and stayed at home doing nothing for 3 months. That was not providing and it was a nightmare. I will never discredit what my current partner does because he's doing the best he can.
Maybe your partner could earn more but then who stays home with the kids? Providing isn't just money. There are many stay at home mom's who bring in no money but the work the do as home makers is priceless and more than their fair share in terms of providing for the household.
I'm sorry. I definitely
I'm sorry. I definitely didn't mean to say my husband isn't providing. My husband is wonderful. What I meant was, he's not providing for me/baby financially - I do that fine myself. But he does help. And he helps in a million other ways, too. I would never discredit what he does, I'm just stressed and wish BM was doing HER part. I am so impressed that my husband does everything he does for SD and I know it's his responsibility but it's also BMs. Yet my DH and I are the ones doing it all, so essentially, sometimes I feel frustrated that i'm doing HER part.
Is it possible for DH to work
Is it possible for DH to work half days (at half pay) so that he can handle after school pickup? It sounds as though you have the money covered.
I realize that I may have
I realize that I may have come off overly harsh on my last comment here. I do apologize.
I can understand the frustration. I have no respect for bioparents who neglect their responsibility.
In my mind once you have a kid they come first. They NEED us. They can't just do for themselves like we can.
Sorry BM isn't the parent she should be.
CGs post made me think. My
CGs post made me think. My second didn't get top notch behavior from me. Her room wasn't as decorated. Her clothes were mostly hand me downs and I didnt meticulously match her outfits. I didnt spring for the expensive lotion. I didnt freak out when she bumped her head. I didnt clean obsessively. I basically acted how DH acted with our first, which infuriated me when he did it but you know...I kind of get where the husbands who are on their second or third sets of kids are coming from now. Its not because this wife deserves less effort than he gave the previous wives, or less than top notch behavior. Its just because the dad is a used parent. You're just so tired.
In this case dad is providing for his kids to the best of his ability. Mom needs counseling and time.
Hahahaha! The used parent
Hahahaha! The used parent lot! Hahahahahahaha!
Have you tried finding
Have you tried finding someone to carpool with? Ask SD's teacher and at the front office. Maybe there is a bulletin board you can put a notice on. If you could find someone to share the driving at least you wouldn't have to go out everyday.
I don't know if they have it in your area, but there is a forum system called "Nextdoor" that is arraigned by neighborhood. It gives neighbors a place to put announcements and recommendations and buy and sell things. I have seen posts from parents looking for someone in the neighborhood to provide transport for their kids. Since the system is closed to anyone outside of the immediate area most responses are from very local people.
I just spoke with the school
I just spoke with the school again and it looks like they are making some progress on finding an older student in my neighbourhood who would be willing to walk her home. I think I got way overwhelmed today because it was the first official big snowstorm and I know there's going to be many more days to come like this, where I had to put him in his car seat and put him in the car while he cried so I could brush the snow off.
I want to clarify that I'm always there for my stepdaughter. I'm frustrated about the situation, but aside from this, I'm not resentful that I have to pick up the slack for her biomom. I'm happy to. I go above and beyond for her - making sure she feels part of our family and making sure she feels like she has a mother figure as she lives with us. It's just these damn maternal instincts making me crazy.
Do you resent the grocery
Do you resent the grocery store if you have to take him shopping with you?
I have my groceries delivered
I have my groceries delivered or leave him with my husband while I go.......
But I get what you're saying. And I'm not saying I'm right to feel the way I feel, but I'm also only 2 months PP and dealing with some obvious coping issues after his sickness. Again, I know it's not okay to resent her and I do my absolute best to avoid showing it. I show up to the school every day with a smile asking how her day was. I give her a treat when we get home. I'm not a monster. Hell, I took her out to eat yesterday after school because it was her birthday.
Let's be real, who on this site hasn't felt resentful of their stepkids now and again?
That’s actually a pretty good
That’s actually a pretty good gig to have the groceries delivered. I’m sure it’s hard because your son is no new, and it’s cold, and you have to shovel the snow, etc. that would suck. I think you don’t like the action of having to take son more than the fact that you’re picking up SD. At least you able to still put on a happy face. Hopefully as your son gets a little older and you’re further away from the traumatic situation of his illness it will get easier. And you’re right, it does have to suck sometimes to do things you wouldn’t otherwise be doing.
Oh it's 100% a matter of not
Oh it's 100% a matter of not liking taking my son out... I wouldn't mind picking SD up at all if it wasn't for him crying the whole way/being fragile with a low immune system. I do more for my stepdaughter than anyone else in her life, so it's definitely not a matter of "i don't want to do things for her because she's not mine." I'm currently wrapping her xmas gifts that I (and only I) picked out! I don't mind doing things for her. I just feel resentful when doing those things makes MY son cry, ya know?
Yeah, I see what you’re
Yeah, I see what you’re saying. Are there any kids in her class that live near you? Maybe one of those parents can give her a ride home. It seems like a combination of many things and I’m sure your frustration is in *those moments* of having to take baby boy out and don’t last all the time. It sounds like you love and care about your SD, but just don’t want to have to take baby out. That’s understandable. I hope you can come up with a different transportation arrangement until he gets a little older. He may still cry like crazy when he’s older, but at least you won’t feel he is so fragile.
One of my neighbours dropped
One of my neighbours dropped by today saying the school called asking if their boy could do it This might work out! And you're exactly right about where my frustration lies. And once he's older, I won't be so worried. I'm a big believer in the concept of the fourth trimester (ie. the first few months of life, he's struggling to cope with being outside the womb so he needs to be held lots, not left to cry, etc.) so letting him cry in the carseat when he's not even aware that we're separate people feels awful.
Yeah, definitely-infants are
Yeah, definitely-infants are in the trust vs. mistrust phase so it is good to give them lots of attention when they cry so they know you’re not not abandoning them and they feel that they trust their caregiver. It sounds like you’re just frustrated at the situation which, then more you describe it, most people would be. Even if she was your BD you probably would still dislike having to take baby boy out. I hope it works out with the neighbor for you!
I'm glad it seems like you
I'm glad it seems like you may have a solution here.
I'd make sure to send a nice thank you card to the boy and his family now and then and maybe have a warm drink ready for him when he drops her off.
Just some tiny way to show you appreciate it because this could be the start of an amazing friendship for all involved.
You've got this momma enjoy you time with your new born and keep showing that little girl how a "real" mom treats their children.
I feel for you, sunshinex, I
I feel for you, sunshinex, I really do.
First and foremost, take care of yourself. Get into the doctor and address the emotional side of things. If you dealt with depression while pregnant, chances are you’re dealing with it now, too, but magnified. It’s totally okay to take meds, even if you’re breastfeeding! Wellbutrin saved me postpartum, with my last pregnancy. My OB doc didn’t blink any eye at putting me on it at 6 weeks PP.
Stay vigilant and get DH on board with setting-up some sort of transportation situation for SD. I get the feeling that this alone will alleviate a lot of stress.
Hugs to you!
I think your resentment is
I think your resentment is normal and you shouldn’t feel bad about it. However, as some mentioned above, you will need to be careful about how this impacts your interactions with your SD. Because BM isn’t involved, you are essentially the girl’s mother (or rather, you need to bear the burden of mothering her). Maybe you need to give some time to grieve about the life you envisioned, while also figuring out a way to let go of this resentment.
From a more tactical perspective, is there another mother at the school who can give your SD a ride to your house while the baby is new? Some areas also have private bus / school taxi services that can be affordable. I know in my hometown some mothers started a private busing services (more like minivans) to fill needs like yours. Twenty years later, they are still going strong.
Get a concierge service or
Get a concierge service or pay a nearby neighbor to pick up SD. You should get this time with your baby as your first and only priority. That's a reasonable thing to want.
I feel so bad for you!
I feel so bad for you! You're doing exactly what I did when we had our first "ours" baby. I had to get our new baby all dressed and ready to go pick up SD5 every day. My resentment grew fast, especially when my baby got sick from going out in the cold. Those were the longest years of my life but they did go by.
Just know that it's normal to feel resentment and to feel cheated out of experiencing your first child. It always seems like SD has already taken those moments away. It's very different having to take care of someone else's first plus your own. It's not the same as making sacrifices for your newborn because of an older bio sibling. There's a natural instinct to protect your own.
YES exactly I imagine with an
YES exactly I imagine with an older bio sibling, I would do for them unconditionally so it wouldn't feel like a sacrifice. I love SD but it's frustrating in moment's like this. When we brought him home from the hospital after he fortunately recovered from his illness, she gave him a cold a couple days later so we were back in and out of the hospital to watch for RSV. It's hard, but I know I have to be fair and treat her well - she's my baby's sibling. It's just so, so difficult to ignore resentment.
Hoping you find a solution.
Hoping you find a solution. Are you involved in any church groups that may have a teen or retired person to hire to either pick up SD or sit at home with baby while you go out. Or another parent with Similair age kids that you can share car pooling duties with. I would be concerned about another child walking Sd home unless you know them very well.
My GS has always screamed in his car seat. He is now three. They still cannot travel far with him.
Can you hire a neighbor kid to keep the car clear of snow? Invest in a car cover and long handle snow brush to make it quicker to clear off. Also if you can start it warming up inside it cleans up easier. Just make sure exhaust pipe is clear and air circulation set to inside air only while parked with engine running. Hold the baby close to you in one of those baby wraps while you are brushing off the car...he may like the fresh air. If nice enough day...even if cold...bundle him up in the baby wrap and walk to the school for pickup. The exercise can help with the depression. It can become a daily adventure.
What is DH going to do to handle pickup when you go back to work? If you can set up a routine now that will help for then. Whether that includes hiring some one to help or whatever.
I raise three kids that were close in age by about two years apart. I had very little help from my spouse. No family or friends to help out. It will burn you out. Try to find some help, barter some time with another parent. You watch their kids in your home an hour or so while they do errands or appts. They pickup Sd from school.
Solutions are out there. You will find one that works.
ah congrats on the little
ah congrats on the little one.....
Now my young friend - who picked up SD, when you where not on Mat leave.... DH? he can keep on doing it.
Tell DH - you can not go out into the cold with Peanut , too young and you are not in the mood for a sick baby, DH needs to pull his weight and drive his daughter around at least 4 times a week. You need to stay at home and rest.....
Peanut needs to get into routine, this is your first baby, you need to get into routine or you will burn yourself out and kill the neighborhood.
Simply sit DH down and tell him he will start pulling his weight with SD,
SD5 is DH's
SD5 is DH's responsibility.
He fetches her or she walks - or her mother makes a plan.
I would not in a million years take my new born out in the damn cold to fetch a child that is not mine. Guess you may as well get used to it: your child playing second fiddle to Princess First Born.
I had deleted my old account
I had deleted my old account a few months back but had to re register when I saw your post.
When I was on maternity leave this year I picked SD up from school so she didn’t have to go to after school care and my dh didn’t have to pay for it. I resented not being able to let my baby nap during that hour and 15 minutes I picked her up, Taking care of her also interfered with my pumping and the extra responsibilities contributed to my post partum. Not sd’s fault though. I love her. Totally my fault for not sticking up for myself and having him send her to daycare where she should have been so I could bond with my first baby like I wanted to. He could have afforded it. I was trying to make it easy on him picking her up from school and making it so we weren’t paying for daycare. I had a pretty good maternity leave package so I was paid through my whole leave. It’s not like I was sitting here and not bringing in income.
Anyway everything you’re feeling is valid. Nobody but yourself can tell you what steps to make to make this better for you. I’m guessing like I felt, you’re feeling unsupported. That contributes to PPD. If you want to talk I’m here!