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DH is mad at a Step Mom

Thisisnotus's picture

I can't make this stuff up. My DH is mad at SD almost 17's boyfriend's Step Mom. I totally side with the step mom so I sort of blankly stared at my DH while he was venting.........he just doesn't get.

SD and her BF, as I've mentioned before, do not drive......so BM and DH transport them all over to spend time together. BF's parents NEVER do......I have picked up on the hints over the month from the actions of BF's parents that they don't want SD at their house 24/7........and I don't want this boy at my house....ever...really. So basically DH has been saying no the BF coming over b/c I put my foot down....so SD stopped coming over as much....b/c BF goes to BM's.

OKay.....so here is the story...

BF invited SD to his sports banquet....the two had it all planned that SD would go home with him after school and ride with his parents to the event and his parents would bring her home. WRONG........BFs step mom told him no she could not come over after school or ride with them and that if she wanted to go to the banquet she could find a ride to and from. Okay, so of course DH makes 2 round trips to get her to BF's sports banquet and pick her up.........but when he picks her up after she is standing there alone as BF's family has already left.....like literally left her standing there alone after she attended this to support the BF....

Add to this also, that it cost $5 to attend this banquet.......and BF's step mom told the kid that under NO circumstances is he allowed to buy  SD's ticket and she must buy her own.....BF told SD that she forbid it and said he'd be in big trouble if he bought her ticket.

Come on guys.....how does DH not see that the BF's parents were basically saying that SD should NOT come to the banquet. Obviousley they can't forbid it b/c any student can attend with a ticket......but they made it very difficult for her and clearly left her high and dry immediately after.

DH can't see this?? Now he's mad at the step mom...and hates her.....he hates her b/c she doesn't cater to this high school relationship I guess. I had to bite my tongue....b/c I wanted to say...."dude, his parents don't want her there.....don't send her"

What do you all think?

tog redux's picture

It does seem a bit harsh to forbid a 17-year-old to spend $5 on his girlfriend and to leave her standing there alone waiting for a ride. I don't blame them for not wanting to drive them all over the place together, but if this is even true, why is it the stepmother's place to tell the kid what he can and can't spend his money on? 

I think your DH is a fool for catering so much to this relationship, but the other family seems to be on the opposite, equally unreasonable, extreme. 

Thisisnotus's picture

Oh, I definitely agree. The point was that the BF's family clearly didn't want SD to attend the banquet with them. To me, this was their way of basicallly telling her not to come. So why don't people take social cues? I guess I don't get that.......

The other family is clearly unreasonable....DH and BM pay for EVERYTHING for this kid when he is over and his parents couldn't spend $5 on SD. I'd be pissed if it were my own kid.....but after all of that I would not have taken my kid anyway...knowing she was un welcome.

DH basically said that if he didn't step up and "help" the relationship (by playing driver) then they would never see each other b/c BF's parents always so no to driving them.

I can tell DH is fuming at me b/c he has to start telling SD no to the boyfrieind joining us for any outing or coming over every time SD does.....he will never say it to me....but I can tell. First of all we don't even  have room in our vehicle for more than 7 people....and we are a family of 7 so are we supposed to take 2 cars so that BF can join? I just think no....

ESMOD's picture

Has your husband ever thought of actually talking to them and getting a read on if there is a reason they aren't in favor of the relationship?  it might be a good convo to have.

Thisisnotus's picture

he would never in a million years......that would take communicating about a real issue and he doesn't do that. GRRRR

Jcksjj's picture

I was thinking this too. I bet theres something that has happened that they have a reason to dislike SD. 

Gimlet's picture

It's really bizarre how dedicated your husband is to facilitating a teen relationship. 

susanm's picture

"If DH did not step up and drive then they would never see each other."  I am pretty sure that is the point and what the boy's parents are trying to do!  They can refuse to drive and make life difficult for him but your DH keeps "saving the day."  Because of your DH and BM, their son is able to spend the night with his high-school girlfriend boinking the night away.  It is only a matter of time until the pitter-patter of little feet is heard.  If they have half a brain in their head, they despise this girl and think that your DH is out of his mind to not only allow this but to actually play uber-driver to make sure that it happens.  They are likely praying on a nightly basis for them to break up on their own before sperm meets egg and their son's life is changed forever.

The boy's family is not being unreasonable.  If it were a normal high school dating relationship they probably would be very nice.  But when the girl's family is doing everything short of a fertility ceremony to make it clear that they would be perfectly fine with her getting knocked up and locking this guy down, do you really expect the boy's family to be warm and friendly????

Jcksjj's picture

Agree. One of my bigger fears is that one of my boys knocks up a crazy person and ends up in DHs shoes.

Thisisnotus's picture

ME? Oh you don't have to argue this  with me....I'm not on DH's side...I'm on the BF's parents side. I was just saying how ludacris it is for DH to be mad at this kids Step mom for saying NO and not acting like this relationship is the number 1 priority in life.............I think my DH is a complete NUT for caring so much about this.

I have made it clear to DH that the BF is no longer coming over and staying until 10 pm and MY house....and that has 90% stopped thank god.....funny though...DH will still pick up SD and BF from school and take them for food or ice cream...so that SD is  happy....but tells her can't come over....b/c he knows I am not having 2 teens layed up in my house.....nope.

So we've got ME, and the boy's parents trying to hault the relationship....and DH and BM rearragning their whole lives to cater to it. SO WEIRD.

susanm's picture

What does he say when you ask him why he is OK with becoming an early grandfather?  And when you tell him that there is no way in hell that you are going to cooperate in raising a grandskid?  I would have a hard time not making seriously inappropriate jokes about it being "hard out there for a pimp" and how he can make good money driving "girls" to and from their "dates" all night if that is what he is into.  LOLOLOL

Thisisnotus's picture

I don't ask him but he would probably cry. He is in total denial and thinks she's like an 8 year old with a friend who is a boy......he still cuts up her food, so......I would be the most awful person on earth if I even hinted that SD is physical with BF....because she would never...hahaha

Thisisnotus's picture

Yes she still asks him to make her plate for dinner and then cut up any meat

both skids were raised very sheltered and have always been years behind their peers......which is why the whole BF thing is even more shocking to me.

tog redux's picture

Do you mean DH or SD not being able to follow the social cues? I can see SD not caring what the parents think - if they hate her, it makes it even more romantic to a teen. As for DH, his whole attitude towards this is weird. 

Thisisnotus's picture

DH not following social cues is what I meant. DH is a very well educated successful guy.....except when it comes to his kids and marriage. LOL.

How could he not see that BF's parents didn't want her there from the start.....and then he's shocked when they ditch her afterwards and that wasn't the first time she's been left by them somewhere to be picked up. I have 3 teen girls and I would never put them in that type of situation where they were un welcome amongst other adults.

It's like he walks around with blinders on.....totally delusional on what is reality.

But if I really think about it.....he probably did pick up on the social cues....but wasn't going to tell SD that she couldn't go......

Thisisnotus's picture

they likely are weird........I think SD makes plans for her and BF before BF checks with his parents....and then they say NO...so SD asks DH and he says yes. BF is free to do pretty much anything as long as his parents don't have to drive him......

 

Monkeysee's picture

I don’t really see why they had to leave SD high and dry, and why the SM is forbidding her skid from spending $5 to buy her a ticket? It’s a school event, not a family function, it’s not their choice whether she attends or not. 

I understand them not wanting to run around after her the way your DH does for them, but I’m with tog, the SM has taken it to the opposite extreme. She sounds hostile & quite nasty tbh. I’d be upset if my kid was being treated like this as well.

Thisisnotus's picture

while it was a school event it was still a football banquet for players and their family's to attend.

They have left her high and dry before....actually twice they made her go outside of their house and wait to be picked up because her ride was 5 minutes late......

And I do totally agree....and that's what I was trying to say....why keep taking your over there and faciliating it.

SteppedOut's picture

I agree. And think it is so freaking ridiculous, and honestly very strange, that your husband facilitates this relationship with such zeal. 

hereiam's picture

Although your husband does cater too much to his daughter and her BF, the BF's step mom sounds like a total bitch.

notarelative's picture

My thought is that SD has done something to completely alienate them or that the SM and dad are afraid they will be grandparents soon.

Where did SD sit at the banquet? If I were the SM, who had forbidden BF from buying a ticket,  I'd have tried to ensure there were no empty seats near ours.

DH needs to understand that when you drop your kid off, you are the one responsible for pickup. It is not other parents' responsibility to supervise your child at events you send them to solo. 

Siemprematahari's picture

I think the SM was a bit over the top. It seems like the BF's SM and father may be a little over their relationship and are not happy with them spending so much time together. I can be wrong of course but its obvious that SD's presence is not wanted and your H needs to catch a hint. I don't blame them for not wanting to play "Driving Miss Daisy" around and the fact that your H does, is a whole other level of enabling. 

advice.only2's picture

It reads like short of forbidding the kid to see SD, they are making it very difficult for him to see her outside of school, which means they don't want him dating her for whatever reason.

That fact that your DH keeps facilitating this relationship and driving them to and from is probably driving the boys parent's nuts. If my kid was dating somebody and the parents were throwing road blocks right and left I would tell my kid maybe take it down a notch and just be friends for now.

Thisisnotus's picture

OMG yes I agree. His parents probably say NO to things and are always met with "but her dad will drive"....and then they probably get angry b/c they had just said no to something and here comes DH.

SteppedOut's picture

They are likely thinking WTF about your husband... hell, am thinking WTF about your husband. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

It's not odd for parents to not want their teen to have EVERY high school memory of their accomplishments filled with a person who will likely end up being an ex.

I was able to go out with my BF (XH) in high school because I had a job, money, and a car. There was no way they would have driven me back and forth, not even a little bit.

SM is trying to instill or enforce boundaries. GOOD. If SD and BF want to see each other, they can get jobs and buy cars and get licenses and wait until they are 18 and able to do what they want when they want.

And given how your SD is to you, I'm assuming she's similar to BF. And I'd also assume BF's parents either caught SD and BF in the act or found some proof of their indiscretions. They're likely worried their son is going to knock her up. Can't really blame them.

Thisisnotus's picture

I agree. I was the same in HS.

SD does NOTHING but worship this guy.....they even sleep together via "facetime". she has no friends....no activities...no job...won't drive....won't clean her room....she does literally nothing. In the past she barely went to school but having the BF has made her have near perfect attendance...since he is there. lol

Willow2010's picture

Wow,  To me, it sounds like the BFs family is teaching him to treat women like crap.  Im sorry but they are just weird. 

They could have just said, no she can't go with them.  Instead they go out of their way to make her feel unwanted the whole time.  How embarrassing for them and her.  

Thisisnotus's picture

Well you see.....they DID say NO she can't go with them...multiple times. So she didn't go with them...she bought her own ticket and had her dad drop her and pick her up....they couldn't forbig her from going to the event but they did forbid her to go with them...and instead she went on her own and sat with them.....honestly....BF's parents probably got so pissed and thats why they peaced out and left her hanging after.

Rags's picture

Clueless on the side of your SD and DH, low class on the side of the BF and his family.

Not good either way.

Aniki's picture

Sorry - did not read all of the comments...

My mind is wired a little differently and my first thought was about the $5. While it may not seem like a lot for most, is it possible that the reason this boy was forbidden to spend $5 on SD, why his parents refuse to drive them anywhere, why the boy never has any money is because THEY have very little money and things are tight for them??

Thisisnotus's picture

They live in one of the most expensive neighborhoods in our area with fancy cars.

The BF had more money with him.....just couldn't spend it on her ticket.

CLove's picture

Thats the story that SD's BF is spinning.

People tell little lies.

Hard to say, but Im wagering that the SD is being aggressive in following him around...and he wanted a break! LOL.

Its kind of mean to leave her out like that. Even when Feral Forger wasnt being too nice to me, I still went to pick her up when she was walking at night and DH was sick and couldnt drive.

Thisisnotus's picture

And that could be it. She seems more obsessed with him than he is with her. He still has friends he hangs out with....who pick him up in their cars lol. SD does not have one single girl friend.

either way.....it’s more my DH I’m wondering about....l think he would have went to the ends of the earth to get sd to that banquet when all signs in the universe were saying she wasn’t welcome. Lol

ctnmom's picture

should call the family and clear the air. My son had a "puppy love" at 14 who he spent hours on the phone with. When they wanted to meet at the movie theater or go to each other's houses, I called her dad, who she lived with. I think he would've preferred my son get swallowed up by a sinkhole lol, but we mutually agreed that they could hang out together if they never, ever were alone. I wouldn't even let them go up in our tiny treehouse alone! COMMUNICATION would clear 99% of this up. We're all speculating and the two sets of parents haven't even talked! Edit: and to this day, my son and this girl are Facebook/Insta friends. He's 30 and she's 29. Smile

Thisisnotus's picture

They all met in the beginning...walked kids to the doorsfor a few times.

as almost seniors in high school I see no reason for the parents to communicate, but as almost seniors in high school you’d also think they wouldn’t need mommy and daddy to drive them around to see their bf/gf.

 

 

The Neverending Story's picture

Is it possible BF's SM is doing exactly what a lot of people say here...don't spend your money on skids. Maybe she said go ask your dad, maybe dad is a tightwad. Or maybe they told BF he would have to pay for it, maybe BF refused to spend his own money. Maybe that big house is more than they can afford, maybe BF's dad is paying alimony out the nose, maybe SD told them to leave cuz her dad is on the way, maybe they had somewhere to go after the banquet, maybe they dont have room in their car for another person, maybe BF and SD spinning stories to you, DH and his parents.

Maybe DH should call BF's dad just as an icebreaker...something like hey this is SD's dad and since our kids are spending so much time together just wanted to give you a call. Maybe DH should invite BF dad out for coffee or something.  Communication between the 2 could end all the maybe's.

Maybe DH is so in favor of the relationship thinking BF is from a well to do family, maybe the kids go from high school sweethearts to someday married and SD will be well taken care of. Crazier things have been imagined by people.

Smile

Winterglow's picture

The reason they don't want SD there 24/7 could be as simple as the bf's grades slipping ... If she's there all the time, how can he get all his homework/schoolwork done properly? Not to mention his chores... If they're investing in his (bright and profitable) future, they're not going to want a piece of skirt turning him away from the straight and narrow.

Thisisnotus's picture

That could also be....i really don’t know. Sd spent the whole afternoon/evening at BFs houe yesterday the day after the even so who knows.....

im probably bothered that dh has set zero rules or boundaries surrounding the BF.

here is the oddest part....now on days when dh is supposed to have sd at our house.....she doesn’t actually come over.....instead he’s been picking her up from the BFs house and taking her back to BMs.....why you ask? SD told dh that she doesn’t want to sleep here anymore because our WiFi is spotty at night and sd and bf leave FaceTime on all night so they can virtually be togeher all night and at our houSe the connection gets lost on WiFi......and dh just says “ok”. 

So now he rarely sees sd....I guess that’s on him.

Winterglow's picture

Wow ... so the only time he actually sees his precious is when he's chauffeuring her. Well, he made his bed ...

Thisisnotus's picture

For the past month or so, yes. 

For a while the BF came over here with sd every time she was to be here with her dad. I finally had enough of that......so dh has been telling her that he can’t come over. If the kid had a car and dropped by for a couple hours it would be okay.....but he would get a ride from dh here after school and not go home until dh took him back at 8 or 9 pm.....which as I’ve said is over an hour round trip to take the kid home.

so I’m guessing that sd got the hint that BF isn’t coming over here every day anymore.....so her solution is to not come here herself.  You see.....somehow I live in a house where the kids make the rules lol 

Thisisnotus's picture

Oh and let me add that he only chauffeurs her when it’s “days” to have her.....oddly...the BF and BM live close by and not the almost 1.5 hour drive it takes dh to chauffeur....all this to just drop the sd at BMs at the end of the night......so I guess dh is just giving BM a break from the chauffeuring hahaha

lieutenant_dad's picture

Question, becuase my brain is just fascinated by this:

Does your DH think SD is a virgin? Does he think that SD and BF are just snuggling when they are alone and together this much? Like, has he actually put 2 and 2 together and realized that they're having sex and likely videoing themselves when they should be sleeping at night?

All he is doing is facilitating sex. Why is that okay in his brain?!?!

Thisisnotus's picture

Honestly, yes I think he thinks she is and this is all some innocent relationship between 2 poor Mis treated children of divorce......he doesn’t talk to me about it at all ever.....he’s the kind that would rather just turn a blind eye and pretend nothing is happening around him.

I know it all sounds nuts because it is so thank god I have this place to come and talk about it.

 

Dovina's picture

So many theories......maybe just maybe the parents of the BF have made it clear that if he wants to do extras he has to pay for it. They are drawing a line. Who knows what kind of budget they are on. OR BF is too cheap to spring on $5, so per usual skid blames the SM. Seriously if the SM was so evil, why hasnt his dad rescued him and pd for the GF?  Does BF have a PT job? If not maybe the parents were trying to push him to have one and he hasnt bothered? So they draw the line in spending on his friends or GF?  Maybe the BF is rude to the SM so she is tired of catering to him and now the GF who was always over. Plus the big factor the BF parents are heavily discouraging this relationship.

Your DH is weird about this. Not many daddeees out there who push their DD's to have relationships. 

Please keep us posted