DH Working My Last Nerve
For the love of God! Stepson will be 18 in May and has no license, no job, sits on his ass in the basement playing video games and on his phone, no chores.
His dad and I have butted heads over the years about SS needing to get a summer job. Every year, DH says, "oh, he's too young yet." "Oh, his grandma and grandpa will find things for him to do on the farm".
Well, now little precious SS is no longer little -- he'll be 18 in May! And here come the excuses.....
Me - "Are you starting to plant the seed for SS to get a summer job this year?"
DH - Not yet.
Me - "Ok well, he probably should get started now."
DH - No answer.
I practice total disengagement with this kid, but I don't know how in god's name I will handle this summer if SS is sitting around on his ass doing nothing. I also sincerely don't know how I won't feel like ripping DH's face off for being a complete idiot parent.
SImply tell DH if SS does not
SImply tell DH if SS does not work, they both can find alternative accommodation for the time being,
or stop contributing to the house hold expenses, let DH pay 100% you do nothing for them, no cooking, no laundry, nothing... why?
Why should you contribute while snow flake can spounge
What you might try is
What you might try is something along the lines of what we did with SS the summer after he graduated from HS. He graduated at 17 so we gave him until his 18th b-day to sow his oats for that summer. His birthday was 2.5mos after graduation. The day after his birthday started the full court press for him to find a job or get his butt in college (on our dime). He balked at school and at getting a job so we turned him into our live in house boy/beck and call boy/chore bitch. We worked that kid's ass off. We gave him no money. His compensation for us working his ass off was room and board. Now, if we went to a movie or out to dinner then he had the option of going with us but other than that type of thing he either worked his ass off during work hours or the next day we left him on our front door step with no key. He tested us on that 3-ish times. Once on a very hot late summer/early fall Houston day, once on a cold-ish day and I don't remember the weather on the third-ish occasion. He got the message and after 4mos enlisted in the USAF on delayed entry and after another 4mos reported for BMT.
In your case, since the goal is to get him out of the house for the summer, have the locks rekeyed and inform DH that the Skid leaves the house with DH every day and does not enter the house until DH returns at the end of his work day. SS either gets a job or sits on a curb somewhere. Either way the only meals he gets is breakfast and dinner. Give him no access to the house during usual week day work hours.
Don't give DH a choice. The SKid is out of the house from ~sun up to ~sun down during the work week.... PERIOD!! He gets no spending money unless he earns it at a job.
This puts the impetus on DH to give SS clarity on his summer job situation.
I know it doesn't matter why,
I know it doesn't matter why, but I seriously can't for the LIFE of me understand why DH thinks this kind of lazy-ass behaviour is beneficial to anyone....especially his son!
It drives me mad!
Thank you for the advice. But I'm afraid my hands are tied. My DH is FIERCE about defending and protecting SS from any communication from me. In fact, the more I push for something like this, the more I think DH is the one who pushes back.
She sees SS every other
She sees SS every other weekend and she is currently unemployed which is ALWAYS the case. She gets a job, gets fired. Over and over.
I think a lot of parents are
I think a lot of parents are lazy and selfish. It's easier to give Bobby a chicken nugget instead of enforcing the rule that you will try everything on your plate. It's easier to give Suzy the toy instead of saying, "No, you can't get a toy every time we go to Wal-Mart." It's selfish to constantly give in to your kids because it makes life easier for you. It may make your life easier in the short term but we are seeing the long term consequences now. We have a generation of snowflakes that think it's normal for their parents to call their college professors about a grade and that are having problems launching because they expect their parents to foot the bill while they pursue their dreams of being a YouTube celebrity.
It's not every kid, I know, but there does seem to be more than one "adults" (I use that term loosely) that are in the corporate world that expect companies to baby them like their parents did.
"What do you mean I can't call in because I just don't feel like showing up?"
"My mom said I was diagnosed with 'Combative Learning Disorder' and that's why I can't learn anything new. I get too angry when someone tries to teach me."
Sanecatlady, this is SO
Sanecatlady, this is SO true!!! And why the skids think that fast food and frozen, chemical-laden caca are the only foods in the world. PigPen14 pitches a mini hissy fit every time he has to eat any vegetable other than French fries/tater tots.
Is he going to be going to
Is he going to be going to college or have any other plan?
My SS is 23, no license or GED and still lives with BM. He doesn't have any plans to change any of that. I can't imagine living with those circumstances. BM enabled SS to pursue his dream of being a rock star instead of taking steps to being an independent man. Maybe she wants to be sure she always has a companion? Don't let your DH enable your SS the same way.
no college
no college
Wow - your post mirrors the
Wow - your post mirrors the one that I was about to make as well. Can I share your vexation? My SD17 is about to be 18 in April. She has no job, and lost the one and only job she had ever after only a few weeks. She does poorly in school, does nothing to help out around the house, whines and complains about everything and is a mean one to boot. Needless to say, I cannot stand the kid, and am looking at the future where SO will have to allow her to choose where she wants to live full time, after her high school graduation.
Currently she has zero life skills, and her only activities are watching videos/TV, applying makeup and dying her hair. She doesnt cook or clean, she is dirty and messy and cant even get herself up and ready for school without a big struggle by her father. She has been enabled to the point of being disabled. She is selfish and narcissistic, and just plain unpleasant to be around.
That being said, I have disengaged and we are civil, but have had many blowouts in the past. I am anxious about the future and any conversation with SO, about her future results in him just saying "watch, things will be different when she turns 18. I told her she will need to get a job and pay rent if she wants to stay with us." But still I have anxiety about the situation.
The suggestions given here - wow, I am thinking I have to print them out for SO!!!!
The only thing that I keep thinking is "I don't want a housemate - and I ESPECIALLY don't want SD17 as a housemate."
It reads like you don't have much of a choice but to keep SS under your roof, so putting conditions on him, and expectations that he doesn't/cant meet might push the envelope of "I don't want my kid out on the street, that's my CHILD!". This is what I get to deal with. Either way we LOSE. I hate that!!!!
However if you broach it with DH, and HE gets frustrated, its different story. Im starting to see my SO have realizations and do the things I had needed him to do previously before I disengaged. Now my statement always is "that's your child you are the parent, you deal with it."
Hopefully your DH will have those realizations soon!
Thanks for sharing! It
Thanks for sharing! It totally is a LOSE LOSE situation for us!