DH's thoughts on SP's who believe they are babysitting...

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Not sure if this is frowned upon on here, but DH and I are pretty open about what we're doing and he knows I'm on step talk all the time so I'll read him some of the stories I'm interested in and get his feedback. Some of the feedback I'm interested in hearing because it relates to our marriage and it gives me a chance to let him know my stance on step parenting.

He claims that step parents that have the mind set that they are baby sitting their skids are just as much at fault for the problems in their marriage because they agreed to get married to this person, therefore they aren't simply babysitting, they are fulfilling their own obligation and parenting their step CHILD. Their family.

I said not all skids like their step parents and treat them like shit. Would you consider watching them any more than babysitting then? If they wanted nothing to do with you and disrespected you and your rules unlike your own children? DH, people on this site and SP's everywhere would say that you believe once people get married with kids, it's one big happy Brady Bunch family and the reality is that each parent is responsible for their own kids... But they have a bonus parent who can be as involved as they want.

My DH frowns upon disengaging. If you are married you are an equal parent and agreed to this life of hell with him/her.

Sigh

Some people did discuss

Some people did discuss before hand and agree to be equal parents to all kids involved.

some didn't. each marriage is it's own.

I wouldn't take your DH's advice on marriage because from the 'sigh' at the end of this post I figure he can't even keep his own wife happy.

See, DH and I were on the

See, DH and I were on the same page with this at the beginning. I knew I was marrying a man that had kids. I have treated them well, the entire relationship. He wanted me to be involved, in all aspects of their life.

Now fast forward five years, now that BM hates my existence, and is doing everything she can to erase me from the skids lives. Now, he wants us to be a family, but I am to discipline on his terms, take care of the kids on his term, do school on his terms. I have gotten to the point that I'm ready to disengage, but DH is opposed to it as well. I don't know where the happy medium is. But I can relate to your post!

I relate to this!! We were on

I relate to this!! We were on the same page in the beginning, we seemed to want to more closely parent each other kids but now that BM hates me and things have changed 5 years later it's like I have to pull back.

Hog wash He's saying just

Hog wash

He's saying just what he needs to say to keep you in line. He's making it clear that by marrying him, YOU are obligated to help parent HIS kids. :sick: It's up to you to decide if you will comply or tell him to go fly a kite.

I've been with my DF for five years. I can count one hand(and I'll have fingers left over) the number of times I've watched SDs9&7 for him. I don't do their laundry or clean up behind them. I rarely cook for them. They were with us for a month this summer and I cooked three times. The girls are well behaved, respectful kids and we get along great. But I still refuse to step into the parent role because THEY ARE NOT MY KIDS.

My husband didn't marry me

My husband didn't marry me because he needed help taking care of his daughter.

Since he parented her, I didn't have to disengage. If I wanted to do something for her, I did. If I didn't want to, I didn't.

She was not my responsibility, so the one time he had to work for a few hours on his weekend with her, he asked me if I would watch her. Yes, I was babysitting.

When DF (fiance) and I got

When DF (fiance) and I got together 4 years ago, my daughter was 3, his son was 4. From the get go, my daughter wouldn't allow anyone to use the word "step" I think because of the negative connotation brought on by Disney. The evil step mother and all. This acutally proved to be genious on her part as we intented the term "bonus". She has "bonus" brothers, a "bonus" mom and dad. All four of us, (my ex and his new wife) get along wonderfully well and I think my daughters amazing spin (can you hear my pride?) has made everyone's life better.

Enter BM to my DSS9.....as I've previously posted, she does not share my view on the blended family. I feel that if I pay for your child, feed your child, etc., etc., I am a parent. My DSS9 on occasion forgets himself and calls me "mom". When addressing my daughter he does consistantly. He says "Mom's at the store, she'll be right back".

Of course this is found upon. Ego. If your bond with your child is so slight that a woman fresh off the streets will hurt it, you're not much of a mother.

Doing those things for your

Doing those things for your SS does not make you his parent. He has a mother.

My SDs use to slil and call me mommy when they were younger. I corrected them each time. I hate their mother, but I have no desire to replace or compete with her.

It's nice for him that he has

It's nice for him that he has an opinion.

However, generally speaking, the courts disagree whole heatedly that SPs are equal parents. Which is why their names don't show up on the orders or the summons and they are sometimes not even allowed in the court room. The child certainly never saw me as an equal parent. The kid's mother certainly never saw me as an equal parent. And deny as he might, DH Saw me as an Equal parent.

If your DH died, his custody agreement doesn't get rewritten so that you have his rights instead. If you divorce him and tried to sue for visitation, the court would most likely laugh you out. If he sought CS, basically the same thing. So how exactly are you an equal parent?

He can blame a step all he wants but that doesn't make it so.

Well said

My marriage license does not

My marriage license does not list DH's kids. I have no obligations to them. Simple.

Another good point! Lmao!

Another good point! Lmao! When DH says stuff like this, which he has numerous times in and out of counseling, I could easily say these SP's did not sign a marriage license with their skids names on them. They signed their name, and their spouses name.

He'd be like "well yeah but she/he knew they had kids and married to be a family"

"That doesn't mean he/she assumes the new role of mom or dad, because they already have one. If they wanted the perfect home environment for their kids then they never should have gotten divorced, or drove the SP to the point that she had to disengage"

I think that's a pretty good argument. Feeling pretty good lmao

Just as I knew DH had kids

Just as I knew DH had kids when I married him, he knew he was marrying someone who wasn't the mother of his kids. Works both ways.

I KNOW but what the fuck am I

I KNOW but what the fuck am I supposed to do?
It's not like I'm going to leave him. Things are workable, in fact I'm probably the one with most of the power in the relationship to be honest. But I can't control his thoughts and what kind of a family he wants, his stubbornness.

I'm sick of me too. Lol.

I wasn't posting this to vent about it lol I was just sharing. These posts are the topics of conversation in counseling right now and your comments have been really helpful which is why I post about it.

But you're right, he shows no concern when it comes down to it and when i have someone like you pointing it out like that again I am like fuck... Yeah I remember, you are correct. Lol. Just trying to move forward and improve the crap.

I would challenge your DH on

I would challenge your DH on his threats. "well, I'm not going to parent your kid. I'm disengaged. Do what you want"

he won't leave.

He very well may leave if she

He very well may leave if she doesn't dance to the beat of his drum. That's a risk she has to be willing to take if wants to have a say in what occurs in her home.

hell even better if he does.

hell even better if he does. It just shows he only married you to take care of his kids.

I just seem to think he's bluffing & trying to change OP's way of thinking & get her back 'in line'. I'm not so sure he will actually leave.

I doubt he would leave. He

I doubt he would leave. He probably thinks he can just manipulate his way to getting me to be how he wants I guess. I just need to learn to play his game so we can have some balance here.

I don't mind watching my

I don't mind watching my stepson. He is a part of my family. That's what families do; families help each other. I am not a parent, but I know that it can be extremely difficult to raise a child. Sometimes parents need a break,have to work, or have some other obligation. If I can help my husband or his bm out by babysitting I don't mind. In a weird way bm is an extension of my family because she is my stepsons mom. Do I like her? Not really, but I do respect her enough for raising my stepson with my husband and they are both good,competent parents. However, if being asked to babysit turned into an everyday thing I would have to put my foot down. After all, he is not my child. In the end he is their responsibility.

"In a weird way BM is an

:sick: "In a weird way BM is an extension of my family because she ismy stepsons mom." You must not have a crazy BM....

I could never imagine BM as any part of my family..oh I just threw up again.

lol no, luckily she is not

lol no, luckily she is not crazy. We all have a pretty good relationship. It is not perfect by any means, but I know that it could be a lot worse.

I'll look it up I'm glad it

I'll look it up I'm glad it all worked out for you!!

We made some progress in

We made some progress in counseling on Thursday and the counselor backed me up on a lot of things, giving him explanations he seemed to agree with, however we haven't had any kids since so I can't speak of the effect yet.

Counselor: has experience with step families but does not specialize, no
My concern: we seem to just have an open platform for discussion. He provides a lot of feedback, questioning, and seems to be very repetitive at this point. I'm going to switch therapist soon because like you say, I want a therapist that will give us assignments and specialize in step parenting. DH doesn't complain about me, I only complain about him and SD's... Lol. He just rebuts my complaints.
Not switching therapists is about money right now because my current therapist isn't charging me copays.

I've told him to come here, he says he doesn't know what to say because he doesn't have anything to complain about. I've given suggestions but gosh I'll keep trying and would love for him to come here

I know what you're saying. I think the hardest thing for me is coming up for the right things to say in the moment. You all have the smartest, strongest, things to say when these things happen, but my mind can't find the right thing to say when I'm emotionally involved.

Every marriage is different,

Every marriage is different, as others have pointed out. For us, there was never any question of me "parenting", any more than I "parent" my nieces and nephews. (And yes, if I watch them for my sisters, it IS babysitting.)

I think what it comes down to is moral authority. (Forget the legal stuff for a minute.) I have the moral authority to parent my bios MY way. If I say "no desert unless you eat your peas" then that's what happens. DH could, if he chose, contradict me in front of them. And it wouldn't matter a bit - I would say, "Nope, I don't care what Dad says. *I* said no desert and that's final." And it would stick, because I have the moral authority as Mom to make that call. (DH and I would then have a long conversation in private about having a united front.)

I don't have that moral authority with the skids. And it would be VERY difficult to have - because even if DH supported me 100% in parenting MY WAY, their mother would have to do so as well for me to have the ability to truly "parent". If BM is undercutting my authority (or worse, DH!) it's almost impossible.

So, to your DH's point about parenting - sure, it's *possible* for you to parent. But for you to do so effectively, that means he MUST let you parent your way - not his. He's got to be willing to accept that you will do things differently, and that that's OK. But almost as important, BM has to not undermine you either, especially as they get older. If any of the parents tell the kids they don't have to listen to you, by word or deed, then they won't.

Marrying a man with kids does

Marrying a man with kids does not make the Stepparent a third parent. Stepparents are not obligated to do anything but be kind to their stepkids and not interfere with the court ordered custody or child support.

I am saying that as a stepmom who does a LOT of parenting to my sd, whom I love- but this is not an obligation, it is a choice.

In the majority of cases, a stepkid has two bio parents who are 100% obliged to caring for and providing for their child.

One parent remarrying does NOT decrease the parental obligation or responsibilities of either bioparent.

A stepparent role is to support the bioparent, not replace them.

BM tried pulling that "She knew what she was signing up for when she married a man with a child" crap with me when she would want me to do things she didn't want to do or pay for something. It is not based in fact or reality.