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Disengage?

Eb523's picture

Submitted by Eb523 on Thu, 01/12/2017 - 1:50pm

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General Discussion

So, I don't quite understand what exactly people mean when they say to Disengage. I'm guessing it isn't entirely what I would assume it is which would be cut off all emotion or involvement with the child. That would be entirely too difficult for me. However, even though my belief is that good open communication between both bioparents and any stepparents involved is best, I'm finding it to be completely impossible with my SD4 bio mom. So, I'm trying to understand what exactly it would mean and what i would have to do to disengage.

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Thu, 01/12/2017 - 2:18pm

Greetings EB. I am new to the Disengagement. There is a document that gives a good idea on what it is and how to do it, but it is DIFFERENT for everyone. Everyone has a different situation, so it would depend on the following:
- How much time is the Skid spending in your home?
- What are the current roles and responsibilities in your home?
- What agreements have your SD and BM created about the raising of this child?
- What limitations are there?
And an entire bookload of other things.
I can tell you what it means to me.

- I am NOT their parent. The skids (2 of them) already have parents.
- I do NOT make decisions for them. Their parents decide, when they go to bed, tell them to brush their teeth, decided what they eat or don't eat, are responsible for any issues/problems they have (potty training, head lice, behavior issues, issues at school, etc)
- I am NOT responsible for raising them and therefore am NOT responsible for how they turn out. I am NOT their moral authority.
- I will NOT be responsible for picking up after them, or telling them to pick up after themelves.
- I am NOT responsible for punishments.
- I am NOT responsible for entertaining them, or taking them places.
- I am NOT responsible for their transport

You have to make your own list, based on the age of the child. Also, its good to up front about what you are willing and Not willing to do, with your SO. Makes life better. If the BM is being difficult, but the skids are awesome, then absolutely enjoy them, but remember as they get older, she may turn them against you. There is something called a "loyalty bind" that she may impose on them.

I am looking for that link to what I term the "Disengagement Manifesto". Im sure someone here has it. You can still be emotionally attached, and love them, just keep educating yourself, and be observant.

The Dad's picture

Submitted by The Dad on Thu, 01/12/2017 - 2:27pm

Man...I'm reading your list thinking, "life would be so much easier...."

Unfortunately, I married my DW when my skids were 2 and 4 (they are 11 and 13 now) so disengagement for me lasts about 10 minutes max and it all mentally (they don't ever see it). The relationship can be so hot and cold, mostly warm, but after BD visits, gets polar; temporarily of course...but its a temporary arctic for sure. BD is such poison. Sorry- rant over.

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Thu, 01/12/2017 - 2:40pm

You entered their life when they were able to sufficiently bond with you. Their might be a "loyalty bind" they are in, but it sounds like you do not actually need the disengagement, to any extreme.

My situation is more on the extreme side, especially recently. You'll see what I mean if you read my Blogs. My SD17 was about 15 ish when I came into her life. The other was about 7ish. So it was easier to bond with the youngest.

My situation has escalated with the eldest, over time, culminating into a big huge blowout in October, whereby she said some very vile and horrible things and then tried to turn it around and say that I was the one who said things. I sat silent while she railed against me right in front of her father. There were no repercussions for that incident. Most recently, she was caught stealing from JC Penney. And lied about THAT as well, to her father. So you can see, hindsight is 20/20! I did not know that I was in for a pack of trouble. Things are really great with the youngest. She is almost 11, and I love her, and she loves me. But I have learned my lesson, and will not make same mistakes. New ones, but not the same ones.

Eb523's picture

Submitted by Eb523 on Thu, 01/12/2017 - 3:25pm

As far as our situation
-she lives with us full time, and has since she was 2.
-currently both her father and I split bedtime, enforcing cleanliness, and discipline as I have 4 year old bio son as well.
-BM and SO disagree on almost everything when it comes to thier child.

Basically I don't have a hard time with the child, though she's a handful at times I love her dearly. I just don't know how to handle her mother. SD4 comes home with attitudes and saying such hateful things I know that no 4yo would come up with. And with the current custody battle I feel that while this is going on I need to step back. I just have such a hard time doing it, as I in no way want to loose her. Sad

So I want to be one more informed on this way of parenting so I can further discuss it with my SO and move forward in a way that it may not take as much of a toll on me, and therefore effecting the children. I would love to look at the link if you find it, that would greatly be appreciated!

uofarkchick's picture

Submitted by uofarkchick on Thu, 01/12/2017 - 2:59pm

What kinds of things does your wife expect you to do for her kids? Is the father of these children involved?

Disillusioned's picture

Submitted by Disillusioned on Fri, 01/13/2017 - 7:46pm

I think every situation is different, but, I work on trying to not engage too much with my sgkids for example, although I totally adore them. Their mother, my OSD, only uses them to get to me as much as she can, and actively works at alienating them from me (so far she hasn't succeeded)

So, although they call me Grandma (but have been made well aware that I'm definitely not) I simply think of them as the neighbor's kids. Adorable and sweet and pleasant to have around, but still, the neighbor's kids none the less

So, I'm polite and friendly and super nice to them whenever I see them, but, I don't try to be their family. I don't discipline. I don't do any of the grandmotherly things, I'm just nice and fun to be around Biggrin

And the funny thing is, my osgs just loves me to pieces. He is just great, we have lots of fun together when he's around, but I never let my guard down or give OSD anything she can see as a weakness and therefore something she can use to hurt me - and boy she still tries regardless