Oh this seems unfair!! You did so much and he crossed the line, so the only time you should stop disengaging would be if he would genuinly apologise and started to appreciate what you were doing, supported by SO !!But he hates you as he say and doesn't want to live with you inspite of all your efforts.And now you get blamed for disengaging?I am sorry, I agree with you, that this doesn't make sense.

Did you hear the therapist say it was ALL because you disengaged or is this your dh's take on the issue? As a therapist, myself, I get alot of this. Alot of people putting words in my mouth about what I supposedly said. I tell everyone-unless you specifically hear it out of my mouth-then dont believe it.

I agree about needing to teach him that just because you disciplined him does not mean you hate him-but I would also mirror that back to you just because he had a meltdown and said some rude things (I am just basing this on what you said-I'm assuming there is not years hx of disrespect)doesnt mean you have to totally disengage. Sounds as if you had a fairly good thing going-discipline him for sure for saying inappropriate things but if this is really the only incident of major disrespect I actually think you should rethink your plan.

My kids have told me they hated me before (not recently-cant really remember when) but I know its happened-they've used it as manipulation to try and get things they want-they've spouted it off out of anger. Has never happened frequently but probably all of them have said it a time or two over the years. I didnt disengage from them because I didnt take it personally. However, I know when ss has spewed that sort of filth at me I do take it personally (of course in my case he says that sort of crap regularly and there are NO positive aspects to our relationship). Im just saying if your relationship with your ss is generally good, please dont jump to disengaging after one incident with your ss.

Playing devil's advocate though, it does look like a 10yo moved in one instant from being treated like a very loved biochild over to being treated in a way that he wuold perceive as being unexpectedly tough, and then suddenly and lengthily ignored. This is a 10yo who has a mentally ill BM therefore a very short fuse/deep fear of loss of relationship, and is way too young to understand what is going on with the disengagement set against the background of previous extreme engagement. If it was as stark as this, he will clearly not be able to make sense of the situation without help. In similar situations, biochildren too will lash back with this sort of hurtful pronouncement. They would actually stop uttering the pronouncements if they felt loved again. Yet of course it is not the SM's job to love unless she wants to. I can see both sides of this. What is wrong though is the the fact that either the therapist is laying on shit to the step parent without the full story, or the husband is doing as other posters have described.

Yeah...the therapist for DH's kid told me the same damn thing. After being treated like a leper in my own home for a year and a half, and DH allowing her to treat me that way, I disengaged. I stopped doing everything for her. DH and his kid had no idea how much I was doing for HIS child until I stopped.

After about a month of me not lifting a finger to help her sorry ass, her therapist asked me to join DH in their monthly meeting. I refused. I told DH, I'm nothing but crap to your kid. You and her therapist can suck it up and deal with her yourselves. Next month, DH pleaded with me to attend. The first thing out of the therapist's mouth is that I was damaging the kid by disengaging.

I said wait a minute. When she first started seeing you a yr and half ago you told me to take a step back and let DH parent her. His way of parenting was to let his daughter treat me like s**t and he does nothing about it. Now that I've stopped allowing them to walk all over me, you're telling me I'm the one hurting her? How does that make any sense.

They both tried to get me to re-engage. I refused.

You are not doing anything to your SS. Your DH failed to deal with his kid. As a result, you disengaged. The therapist needs to lay the responsibility on your DH and SS's shoulders, where it belongs.

still shaking head how you can be possibly made responsible for the problems BM and SO caused with THEIR son.They must expected you to be like a magic fairy to solve it all.

This is so unfair for that therapist to lay this on you!!! And...not to get off the topic here but why do all skids STINK? One time my ss and his wife and their brats came to our house and all took their shoes off (which was the rule) and OMG, the STENCH just about gagged me. When they weren't looking I went and sprayed Lysol on all of their shoes, but it was too late - my whole house reeked.

I told my dh later that "I will not tollerate that smell stinking up my home." His response was some version of OH YES YOU WILL TOLLERATE IT - THAT'S MY KID! I can't tell you how many times I heard "THAT'S MY KID" come out of the man's mouth - as if that made all the manipulation and filth and everything else okay.

I never expected anything from my skids that I didn't expect from my own kids: don't like, don't steal, clean up after yourself, if you stink - FIX IT, etc. But somehow dh felt that the skids were exempt from those things. Special little darling skid2 has "grown up" to be a spoiled, entitled, irrisponsible, unable to take care of himself and his family, whining, manipulative, and STILL STINKING...PIG!