Marriage therapist INSISTS I have relationship w/ss12 regardless of how he treats me....anyone else?
DH and I started w/a therapist recently for issues we're having on his consistency issues. I don't need to tell you, I see it all over these boards. DH says one thing, sets a rule then 3 hours later, the rule has been lifted.
Anywho -
ss12 has told DH he wants me to move out, he hates me, I'm trying to take the place of his mother, I'm the one that decided he's not going on vacation with us (he seems to have forgotten that when he overheard me talking about it - before we even informed him - to a friend of mine, he interrupted me to say "I don't want to go!!").
1) You weren't invited in the first place little boy.
2) You've ruined every vacation we have ever been on.
How you ask?
*He dumped a glass of water on DH's laptop
*Stood up on the plane seats to summon a flight attendant to get him the soda he was ENTITLED TO, c
*Cried at the dinner table when he found out he was signed up for extended care at Red Sox camp
(fucking ~$600 RED SOX~ CAMP)
*Cried at the toys r us in time square because he was bored and we didn't buy him a toy he wanted
*Complained that he wasn't able to spend time w/dh during our honeymoon (yep, we took him on our fucking honeymoon).
So I disengaged in 2012.
So the therapist (who is BM. NOT a SM) said she's "concerned" I don't care about ss12 at all. She believes I should care and continue to invest regardless of how ss12 treats me because every child deserves to feel loved and cared about and important.
Anyone else?
I should rephrase The
I should rephrase
The therapist is A BM, not ss12's BM, lol!
You need a new therapist that
You need a new therapist that specializes in step families stat.
THANK YOU SIMIFAN! Dh thinks
THANK YOU SIMIFAN!
Dh thinks we should stick w/her and he thinks I'm just "mad that the therapist doesn't agree w/me"
See my response below, but in
See my response below, but in response to that I'd ask him if he'd allow a podiatrist to do his heart surgery on the theory that they're both doctors. You may be seeing a therapist, but it's not the right kind of therapist.
Definitely find a therapist
Definitely find a therapist who specializes in blended families. A therapist who has no experience or training in step situations generally is about as useful as a glass of water during a monsoon.
every child deserves to feel
every child deserves to feel loved and cared about and important.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I agree with this to a certain point. BUUUT it is certainly not YOUR job to do that. He has parents for that.
What are the issues you have with SS outside of vacation? And I totally agree that you NEED to get a counselor that specializes in step issues.
My therapist told me I needed
My therapist told me I needed to detach from SD17 because she would be rude to me by ignoring me. (Oddly enough my DH tried to convince me that her behavior was all MY fault--------shocker, I know). The therapist told me she was pushing my buttons and knew exactly what she was doing. She told me I needed to detach from the whole situation and take care of myself. She also told me I shouldn't let her push my buttons--------easier said than done.
You need a therapist who looks out for you and your well-being. Someone said it best, the kid has two parents to love and care for him, you shouldn't feel obligated to do that.
Therapists are not always
Therapists are not always right. I went to one with my DH and this "therapist" caused us more fights and we finally fired him. If it doesn't sit right with you, it's not right for you.
Can you make a list for the
Can you make a list for the next visit of what you've done and what the kids reaction was? I.e.: "I asked the kid if he wanted to accompany you to he mall on at least 5 different occasions only to be turned down". "Finally I quit asking". Asked the kid if he wanted to go to the movies and turned down..... etc.
Of course add in the stuff you mentioned above.
We all know this counselor does not know the reality of step-parenting and your husband is not going to leave a counselor who has voted on his side. Lets get the discussion focused on his consistency traits.
Looks to me like you may have
Looks to me like you may have stepped into a trap with the agenda you brought to therapy namely DH's consistency issues as a parent and the fact you don't agree with those. Therefore you seem to have presented as both being committed to parenting this awful child and focussing in your request for therapy on how you would balance that out between you. If this therapist specializes in parenting then one can see why she is pressurizing you this way once she has heard that is your agenda. I would suggest that if this is what happened you admit that you bit off more than you could chew and that you want the therapy to backtrack or change direction now and actually to look at your couple relationship. To me the unpleasant thing that really stood out was you guys taking the kid on your honeymoon. I guess I took my kid on my honeymoon, we married when he was a baby and I was breastfeeding, but he was the product of our union for goodness sake so the sacrifice of much of our alone time to him was not so difficult. But another person's kid! Kinda flies in the face of all notion of intimacy between newlyweds.
That's the same kind of
That's the same kind of blanket statement as, "You're the adult, be the bigger person." It's situational and sometimes applies but not always.
Yes, kids are kids and need love but at some point they have to learn that they cannot just treat people like crap and get away with it just because they are kids. Rarely does anybody besides biological parents love little jerks unconditionally.
I believe that every child needs to be taught to be respectful to adults. Period.
I think my DH must have used
I think my DH must have used the same guy! And he came highly recommended, but preached Give Your Children Everything all the time. In our scenario where DH moved in with me and my boys and skids came over on weekends, it pretty much meant, only their interests matter! Put your wife and her kids in their place and bend over backwards to meet skids demands. If they want everything on their terms, so be it.
As you can imagine, it did not go over well. Later the dude started to blame me for everything, and DH stopped going. He never told me about it until much later. I told the therapist who recommended him that he managed to hold me repsonsible for everything that had gone wrong with DH's skids and she was stunned. Considering DH'd ex turned out gay, and BPD/NPD into the bargain, and skids are abusive, I am really not his biggest issue... Later we found out that the therapist he was seeing routinely recommended that parents just throw anything at the kids.. whatever their precious hearts desire.
I wonder if he had had an evil SM when younger.
12 is plenty old enough to be
12 is plenty old enough to be held accountable for chosen behavior. Your therapist is an idiot IMHO and nothing more than the usual "every kid is special because they exist" esteem movement moron.
Special is determined entirely by behavior IMHO and your SS12 has yet to earn special by behaving in a special manner.
Find a new counselor who has a greater understanding of behavior than just "treat him well because he is special".
IMHO of course.
I understand how you feel and
I understand how you feel and I feel the same, I disengage when my step son acts like that. It's time for mum and dad to join forces here and set concrete ground rules you both follow, to let him know this is how you behave in the house and this is what expected of you. When my step son misbehaves I cut my attention from him and leave him to it and take him places and do things with him.
Don't put yourself in a situation where he can impede on the time you need...bad idea taking him on your honeymoon. You already have an inclining his going to ruin the mood or fun there and are likely to feel resentful when it happens right. So...avoid it all together.
You partner needs to be taking the lead here and sorting this behaviour out. I wouldn't be buying toys or taking a kid somewhere that expects it. I know it's hard, it really is but empathy goes such a long way...with the other factors in place.
My stepson who is nearly 8 has been living with his mum since he was 3 and his a nightmare and refused to come into the house saying he wanted mum. I used some empathy and really he didn't want dad to go to work but he came inside. Your stepson reacts that way because that's the way he has been taught if you react to it or give in your feeding that behaviour.
Make sure you and your partner get alone time with no kids to work on the foundation you guys have at home. Best of luck to you.