Divorce and continue the relationship?
DH & I haven’t spoken to adult SD in over 2 years and it’s great. What is there left to fight about?
It’s a 2nd marriage for both of us, and we have separate bank accounts and split purchases 50/50 except for vehicles and personal items. Since he retired and I’m still working, we split 65/35.
When we drew up our wills, he instructed me to leave my assets to my kids, and he would leave his to his grandchildren. Even the lawyer was surprised, but I have so much more than him financially and my kids will make out great.
After 24 years of marriage and the SD issues behind us, I thought we were finally going strong. We joked that when he retired, we’d get divorced and continue in a relationship so we could reduce his tax liability. His Social Security is subject to income tax based on my wages.
Well, we got in a BIG fight because by filing a joint return, he had to pay in $1,500. He brought up getting a divorce so he can file single, but this makes me sad, so I gave him the $1,500 out of my pocket (2 years in a row).
The other day, he received a $258 check as part of a class action lawsuit for unsolicited telephone calls. I asked if he was going to split it 50/50, and he was dumfounded. He said it should be his because his name was on the check!! Then he followed me into the bedroom and offered to split it with me because I did all the paperwork for the claim (that he knew nothing about).
I lent him $10,000 for an investment a few years ago so he wouldn't have to sell his motorcyle, and he pays me back monthly. And he thinks he's entitled to a lousy $258.00??? This is not the first time we've fought over money, hence the separate bank accounts.
He’s a really GOOD husband (affectionate, trust worthy, makes me laugh) but I finally realized he’s selfish. He accepts a 15% credit on our joint purchases, and he accepts $1,500 from me for his taxes.
I'm seriously contemplating a legal divorce, but worrying about the psychological effects on our relationship. What are the pros and cons?
Is Social Security his only
Is Social Security his only income? If so, I can see how $258 seemed like a lot to him.
His Income
Between his pension & SS, he nets about $33,000 and I net $50,000. We used to split 50/50 while he was working, but then I adjusted to 65/35 to make up for the difference in income.
If he's a good husband and
If he's a good husband and you love him, I don't see a reason to divorce him. Obviously you don't need him financially, but as we age, I think our emotional needs are far greater. Who wants to spend their golden years alone?
Establish some boundries and let him know what you expect going forward for issues like taxes, etc. If he's smart, he knows he has much more to lose if you walk. $5 says if you do leave, he wouild be at your doorstep begging you to return within a day.
My husband's mother did it
My husband's mother and her second husband apparently divorced once they reached retirement age, for similar reasons. It worked for them and they stayed happily together for the rest of their days. If money is truly the only obstacle between you, a "legal" divorce without actually separating may be the distance needed - though I don't see how it would change what happened with the check.
Well
My gut reaction - Don't pay his $1500 taxes anymore, and split everything 50/50, since the situation clearly causes resentment. I guess if triggers him taking affirmative action toward a divorce, you know where you stand. And maybe you would be happier divorced and just splitting expenses 50/50 in a longterm relationship but as an unmarried couple?
On the other hand, if the $1500 annual tax payment plus you covering more of than 50% of expenses is trivial to you based on your finances, and only bothers you because it feels unfair, maybe you could work on ways to get passed the fairness issue and let this go? I think it all depends on your relative financial situations.
I hate to sound like I'm
I hate to sound like I'm giving excuses for consistently meh behavior but retirement may be difficult on him, as well as financially depending on his wife. That can be a rough change in dynamics for people.
Sure, a divorce would technically resolve one component of the issues you're facing. But it sounds like filing status is just one component.
You have every right to the way you feel and I would encourage you to not dismiss it. I would also encourage you to broaden the view, though.
It sounds like you're both struggling with some potentially conflicting feelings about your current set up. Discuss those and brainstorm a solution. A divorce on paper might be what you both need. Returning to work in a far more casual capacity may be what he needs. Offsetting the financials with intangibles may be what you need. It sounds like you both feel an imbalance, just that you're identifying it differently.
Or who knows? Maybe the resentment on one or both sides will be an issue as long as you're together.
Take a step back.
Divorce is the solution to what problem?
Is that the actual problem?
Will that solution resolve all associated problems?
What other issues does that solution create?
Personal opinion: if legally recognized marriage is emotionally important for you, divorcing on paper will be more damaging than intended. Especially if your views are at odds there and he's not likely to see it as a sacrifice.
our solution
Taxes. Have the accountant figure out what he would pay if he filed single and let him pay that. The rest is yours. We did that for years.
Can you file
Married separately? And what is his is his.
We have our finances separate and I am thinking that we should file separately for many reasons.
If you are feeling resentment, then talk to him about this, he should be somewhat empathetic.
65/45
Prior to retiring did he make more than you and pay a larger potion to the joint account? If not, why are you paying a greater share? Many older men have ego problems when their wife makes more than them.
It appears there might be a breakdown in communications. Have a talk and get all of the finances hashed out, along with the 'what ifs'.
I have always made more than DH but he lied about it before we got married and I didn't find out until later. There was also a time when I wanted to quit work temporarily, and he refused to help. That's why we both pay 1/2 of the household expenses. I always paid for any extra taxes from what I earned. I helped DH get money he didn't know he had but didn't ask for any of it. If you put in a lot of work, your DH should give you part of it. Like you, I am contemplating divorce because if any emergency came up guess who they would come to for payment of his debts?
Look into a Legal Separation.
Look into a Legal Separation. Not all states have them but it might be a way to fix the financial arguments and stay married.
Are you seriously considering
Are you seriously considering divorce over this? This seems like such nickle and diming each other when you consider the grand scheme of a financial nest egg, especially in a marriage. And I say this being an advocate of separate finances. I think divorce will end up costing you both financially and emotionally a heck of a lot more than this back and forth nickle and dime spat you guys have going on. Be fair to each other.
If you are a solid happy
If you are a solid happy couple and both commited soley to each other until the day you die ,,, who cares about where the money comes and goes from ,, everything should be OURS , not yours or his. Though being on a pension is hard finacially , but what happens when you get to retirement also?
Let's do this
Thank you everyone for your opinions and suggestions. It has given me a lot to think about. And I was happy to see that someone’s parents divorced and lived together happily ever after.
Everyone has flaws, and his is his perspective on HIS money. Other than that, we’re great. We have a good loving marriage, except we disagree on money (48% of couples fight over money). And keeping separate accounts works best for us as he is a spender, and I’m a saver.
However, with this last trivial incident, I feel I’m being taken advantage of. I have been generous helping him out over the years when he was in a bind, and now he’s greedy over $258. And that’s MY fault for letting it happen. I grew up with a domineering father who verbally and sexually abused me, so I never learned to stand up for myself.
I downloaded the simple Marriage Dissolution packet from the local courthouse and will talk with DH this weekend. DH doesn’t want to end the relationship; we will continue just as we have, except we will be filing as single and we will both be paying less income tax.
You've got it!
It's good that you could come to a resolution which will work for both of you. Thanks for writing about the subject of inequity in finances. I'm going to a lawyer on Monday to see about a post-nup but am not sure this would prevent me from having to pay his debts if it came up. My DH is a spender also but does not have the same work ethic as I do. I worked my a$$ off to accumulate a nest egg, often under conditions which would have been unacceptable to DH. I don't know how old your DH is but if he really wanted to make your financial situation more equitable he would get a part-time job.
"I grew up with a domineering father who verbally and sexually abused me, so I never learned to stand up for myself. " This speaks volumes My Father never sexually abused me but the physical and emotional abuse from he and my Mother left it's toll. The emotional abuse continued on until last year. It takes quite a bit of reflection and honesty to realize that due to this, it's hard to be assertive. Glad you found the courage to ensure you will be financially 'safe' when you retire. The $258 in small change when you think of what you might be responsible for if there is a medical emergency. Please update us as to how this all turns out.
If you're both on the same
If you're both on the same page re: divorce sit down with an estate attorney to make sure you cover your bases for thr protections you don't want to lose.
We aren't married (because asset protection) but we covered everything else. Once you're divorced you will need to address wills, medical access/decision making, etc. We have wills that align with trusts, 401/life/ADD beneficiaries, etc. We have POAs to cover medical and financial decisions aligning with those documents as well. Our home is titled in common instead of joint w/survivorship as well.
You may not need to take similar steps but just something to consider in your divorce
If my DH suggested we get a
If my DH suggested we get a divorce so he can save some money on taxes, I'd grant him a divorce and kick him out immediately. Don't understand why you are still there and why you calling him a great husband. What a jerk.
now you want to get a fake divorce like still living as married couple but pretend to be divorced to save him a buck. Wow.
plenty of married couples file separately while married. no big deal.
it sounds like you are a doormat and he runs the show using you financially. Sad
Equalizing tax filings
This view might not be popular but there is nothing wrong with adjusting between spouses due to the fact a married filing jointly tax return is unfavorable. I owe DH a huge sum of money due to the fact he is in a receivable position because of the maintenance he pays (which is over now by the way YAY!!!) and I always end up paying. So I will pay DH; that is the fair thing to do. I get that this is a bit different from what you are talking about regarding marriage penalty. But it sounds to me like you and your DH have decided on a fair allocation of expenses and asset distribution. I don't know why people are calling him a POS.
However - I would not legally divorce to save on taxes. That's a bit extreme, and the laws can continue to change anyway.
We sat down and discussed the
We sat down and discussed the situation Sunday and agreed to go ahead with the divorce, and split our expenses 50/50. Filing your taxes as “Married filing separately ” does not give you the same tax benefit as “Single”. Reviewing our income, we will BOTH benefit from this.
What makes our situation different is that we’re married & getting divorced, while many other folks live together but won’t get married, either for taxes or debt liability.
The only thing that will change is how we file our income taxes. He has reiterated that this is on paper only and we will continue to live as husband & wife. He is not abandoning me, he doesn't love me any less. We are both agreeable with this situation. We are updating our wills to remove the words “husband” and “wife” to “life-partner”, but the distribution of assets doesn’t change.
I don’t need a husband to provide for me. I’ve always made more than DH and I can support myself. To call DH a POS, a jerk and that you’re marriage means something to you, but you would kick him out immediately, tells me you’re not committed and you’re not willing to work through your problems. Whether in marriage or a life-partnership, there are other factors besides money that make a good relationship.
If you are going to divorce,
If you are going to divorce, just call it a day and get on with your life. The odds of being able to maintain a solid equity life partnership after divorcing are about zero.
Nothing changes. He will still whine about not having any money, you will still have to subsidize him so he won't whine about how unfair it all is.
Better to move on and find a partner who is capable of supporting himself and being an equity contributor to the marriage rather than a drain.
IMHO of course.