Does the drama ever stop?
So as I said in a post yesterday-I am really good friends with my husbands ex wife, better known as my stepdaughters mom. We have a strong relationship and often times work out visitation on our own. I worked out last night for us to be able to get SD tonight and was unable to tell him because he was asleep. When I told him this morning he got up out of bed and said "you have overstepped a huge boundary. I am the dad and the working the schedule out is pissing me off. That is my job. I'm about to end all of this" He then stormed out and is off to work. Haven't heard and seen from him since. Where in the hell am I going wrong!?! He's got a dream life. His ex and current wife are friends! Nobody fights, we all get along great! This is beginning to get discouraging.
It was made clear yesterday in a private message that my issues are petty so if you think so, please just move on to a new post.
Your husband is right. Why
Your husband is right. Why are YOU making plans for HIS visitation?
Dream life? His current wife and his ex calling the shots? I don't think so.
He begged and he begged for
He begged and he begged for things to be this way and now they are and he hates it.
I have apologized to him. I
I have apologized to him. I told him I know where I went wrong. I just didn't think this time was an issue because it hasn't been before. I gueS it has been a ticking time bomb.
He wanted it to be this way,
He wanted it to be this way, then blows up at you for doing what HE asked, then gives you the silent treatment. This is a classic case of "damned if you do, damned if you don't." It sounds like there are communication and control issues in your marriage. Stop apologizing and being a doormat. If he wants control, give it to him completely. Let him fully deal with skid, BM, scheduling, driving, cooking for and cleaning up after skid.
I would insist on marriage counseling, because it sounds like no matter what you do it's going to be wrong.
He clearly said when all of
He clearly said when all of this began - I would love for it be to where I don't have to talk to her at all anymore and it's all between you two.
But for him to not be a part
But for him to not be a part of the decision making process at all? I doubt that's what he meant.
Perhaps he didn't realize how close you and the ex would get. Getting along is one thing, being BFFs and arranging his schedule as it suits you and the ex, is another.
It doesn't even matter, it's not working for him.
It was made clear yesterday
It was made clear yesterday in a private message that my issues are petty
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Why would an idiot do this? UGH! I bet I can narrow it down to three people. lol
That aside...your DH just told you exactly how he feels. It is now time to step back and let him handle the situation. Maybe he does not like you spending time with someone he can't stand. Maybe he is afraid she will rub off on you. Maybe he is afraid she will tell you things he does not want you to know. Maybe he just wants to take care of those things.
What ever it is...he made it clear. You are not welcome to do those things for him. So just stop. Let him see what he is missing.
I apologized. I told him I
I apologized. I told him I would stop. He still hasn't spoken.
^^Great advice. My first
^^Great advice. My first thoughts were that BM will be more than understanding since she was married to him and likely dealt with this kind of mismatching behavior often. The women are in control, how dare they! Let him pound his chest, be the boss and make the schedule. I imagine he'll tire of it soon (just like he did before) and find some other way to assert his manhood.
Whoever sent you the PM about your issues is rude and childish. Luckily that is not the norm, most posters here are supportive and helpful. Like the poster above, I have it narrowed down to three individuals who regularly bully other posters on this board.
Lindsey, my kids' stepmom and
Lindsey, my kids' stepmom and I get along great too. Sometimes we have butted aheads. One time she cut my daughter's hair all off. I was uber mad. My middle child was in the hospital for a week and I thought she was stepping on my toes by making medical decisions and we had a little row. But on the whole, we are pleasant and cordial. I prefer it that way. When i was a stepmom, his ex wife was a total hose beast. She was/is crazy and just MEAN as a snake and there was no communicating with that woman. I had long suspected their daughter had type 1 diabetes and I couldn't get the dad or the mom to listen to me. I would list off the symptoms I witnessed such as inquenchable thirst and she'd say, "Oh she's just really dried out." and yes, she did have diabetes and was in the hospital for a week. So I really feel that exSD14 suffered greatly because her parents were bull headed idiots and because she and I never had the relationship that I have with my kids' stepmother. I know my kids' stepmom loves and cares for them greatly. I agree with you. I think a coparenting/relationship of mutual respect and courtesy goes a lot farther and is better for the kids than one of animosity and vindictiveness. I think your husband is lucky to have you.
But when stepmom and I have had issues, its been boundary issues so just look out for that but I think you have the right idea.
I find your engagement and
I find your engagement and full participation to be very powerful and encouraging. As for anyone saying that your blended family issues are petty .... they are idiots. You are effective which is something that is extremely rare among STalkers and countless other participants in SParenting sites all over the interwebs.
Sure, your DH is feeling a bit marginalized but that IMHO is not uncommon in blended family marriages when the breeder partner in the marriage is not one to take direct effective action in dealing with the complexities of blended family life. My own bride struggled with it for the first several years of our 21+ year marriage. Ignore, tolerate, etc... :sick: Not my style and eventually I was able to demonstrate to my amazing bride that firm direct action beats head in the sand avoidance every time.
You are a cut above even my own direct action philosophy. You have created a working relationship and even a friendship with your Skid's BM and your DH's XW. That is amazing.
At the very least we should all strive to be as effective in the SParent role as you are. As for being friends with the SO's X.... nah.... It is far more fun to detest my son's SpermIdiot with every fiber of my being and bare his idiot ass with the facts of his idiocy every chance he gives. Don't get me started on the rest of the SpermClan.
Your Skid(s) are blessed to have an SM and a BM with the qualities that you have.
As for your DH, say to him what you have shared here. " (You have) a dream life. (Your) ex and current wife are friends! Nobody fights, we all get along great!...." then add something along these lines "..... you need to pull your head out of your ass and gain clarity before you step on your pecker so bad you end up with two very pissed off XWs and kids that detest you as the idiot you seem to be discovering that you are."
At least that is what I would tell him were I you. }:)
Great job. Keep up the amazing work.
^^THIS! Is this relationship
^^THIS! Is this relationship so important to you that you're willing for your marriage to suffer for it? Back off a little bit. You can be cordial and friendly. You can even be involved in parenting matters, but you guys need to find a way that works for you. Maybe he wanted you to handle communication, that doesn't necessarily mean that he wanted you making decisions about custody/visitation for him. My suggestion is that the two of you sit down and try to figure out how to handle your relationships with BM so that both of you are comfortable with it. What you're doing clearly isn't working anymore..
be, It is great that your DH
be,
It is great that your DH and XH get along. I actually would find that to be a very interesting event if it were to happen in my marriage but that can't and won't ever happen. The SpermIdiot is beyond salvage with zero value except as fertilizer so giving a shit about him other than to keep him as marginalized as possible in our family picture won't happen.
There is definately an opportunity for improved communication between the OP and her DH. No doubt about it. However, in the relative scheme of blended family marriages I don't think that her situation with her DH is an insurmountable one.
As for being a for real post or not. I just read em and spout whatever forms in my mind. I know, not a surprise for anyone who has been here for long. All we have to go in is what is shared. I hope the OP gets the disconnect with her DH squared away. I would like to read more of her positive engagement with the BM. Hopefully her DH does not screw it up.
You and your DH seem to have it pretty well worked out considering his positive relationship with your X. How did the three of you work that out? How are the kids with dad and Sdad being friendly. I can see some interesting and funny situations when kids have to navigate between two dads (or moms) who talk and get along. That has to be the source of some very interesting stories.
Regards,
Rags