Is this a double standard?
I have two skids - SD17 and SS12 and a 3 year old daughter with my first husband. When I met DH, I was very upfront that anyone I ended up with long term would need to be willing to act as a father to DD3 since her dad died before she was born. DH already acts this way with BM's horrible nephew so I know that it isn't a role he is uncomfortable with. My DD calls him dad and since she lives with us, he helps me take care of her (although really I take most of the responsibility and he helps out if he sees something that needs done or I ask him to). I'd expect him to raise her if I wasn't here anymore. He has already told me I don't need to worry about that with his kids because they have their mom.
The skids live with their mother and I do ALOT of nice things for them. In the beginning, I was really into the super stepmom role and bought them contact lenses, clothes, trips, etc. As time has gone on, I've stepped back quite a bit and still buy them gifts or fun things that I feel like buying, but I totally expect DH and BM to take on responsibility for their everyday needs. I no longer pitch in automatically whenever one of the skids say they need/want something. I also don't discipline AT ALL. They are teens and I don't want to even go there with them. I let DH handle it if they are at our house. There is a chance that SS12 might live with us at some point and if that happened, I'd sit down with him first and explain that we will have rules, he will have chores, and he'll need to expect that I am going to enforce rules/set consequences for him, but we aren't there yet.
Am I setting a double standard here? I totally expect DH to treat DD3 as his own, discipline if needed, etc, but I don't feel the same level of responsibility for his kids because they have a mom, don't live with us, are older, and weren't raised with me in a "mom" role. They do call me their stepmom and we generally get along fine. I just don't feel financially responsible for them. Is that wrong or a normal boundary considering the different circumstances?
I think what you are doing is
I think what you are doing is just fine. All of the kids have two parents helping raise them, and you would be a third to the skids. Do what you feel like and don't feel guilty about the rest!
My two oldest kids father is
My two oldest kids father is also deceased since my kids were 2 and 9 months old. My dh does absolutely treat them like their own, in fact, I can truly tell no difference from the way he treats anyone else. He has treated ss differently in the past-however i dont think that is a bio/step issue as my youngest bio is also dh's and he treats her exactly the same as my oldest two. My youngest son actually forgets that dh is not his bio father.
My ss13 has a bm-always has. She wanted to call the shots and be involved, and resented me for many years-so I eventually backed off. Prior to that I did everything I could for my ss (who lived here with us full time). Now, it turns out she no longer wants anything to do with him. SS lives with my mil right now. Dh wants to integrate him back in the home. If he does I will not treat him as my own. He's not my own. He has a mother. She is a piece of poo, but he loves her. Frankly i feel like when you come in and be all superstepmmom it creates loyalty issues in the kid and ultimately they will reject you and of course pick their bm, as they should. At least that's what happened to me. If he moves in-I will treat him with kindness, but he will also be expected to follow rules. I am not close to him like my own children (he's not lived here in 4.5 years) so it would be silly to think I would treat him exactly the same and be affectionate and such. He will be provided for appropriately and will be certainly treated as "family"-but that's different than treating him exactly like my own child. I will discipline him if necessary as my dh is NOT a strong disciplinarian and I will not give up control of my own home.
To me, I see that you would
To me, I see that you would want him to treat your child as his own, because of the father being deceased situation, however, really, financially, I do believe it is a double standard. Your child should be receiving social security, etc. since her father is deceased, right? hmmm...Heck, if I die my kiddo will get more from SS than while I was alive and didn't work...sigh
She does get social security
She does get social security and I pay 75% of our bills since DH is struggling with support payments right now. However, if something happened to me and I couldn't work or something, I would expect him to step up and take care of us. Does that make sense? I have spent WAY more on his kids then he has on DD3. I guess it really isn't a question of finanical resources, more that I expect him to treat DD3 like his own, but I don't really feel like the Skids are mine and I don't feel responsible for providing for them if they go without something that I would probably buy DD3 - their BM chooses not to work full time and is not providing well for them. The BM, two skids, and the horrible nephew basically all live on support ordered by the court for just the two skids. Doesn't go as far as it should.
My DH keeps complaining that
My DH keeps complaining that because he’s voluntarily stepped up to be a father to my DS13 (who only sees his BF once a year at most and calls DH ”dad”), that that means I should act like my SD15's mom.
I think expectations being set up front are important. When I feel in love with my DH, he knew my DS and the fact that he was such as wonderful dad to his two sons was part of what attracted me to him. I didn’t ask him to do this but he feel into the role and DS absolutely adores him.
Months after we started seriously dating, he sprung the fact that he had a daughter who was born out of wedlock when he was a teenager who lived with her maternal grandmother that he rarely ever saw but took a large portion of his paycheck. Then fast forward six years, his daughter ends up living with us full time and I get the guilt trip about being her new mommy.
I didn’t ask for that nor do I want anything to do with this girl. I feel constantly entrapped by DH who wants me to be Carol Brady and a positive female role model to his daughter and help him “fix” her. This girl is so messed up from the years with her BM and all the drugs her BM did that there’s no fixing her and I want absolutely nothing to do with her.
I suppose it stems from women being “maternal” and the expectation that all wives should step in an mother children who have lost their mother to death or abandonment, and that all stepmoms agree to do this when they get married. But when I got married, I didn’t agree to any of this and I don’t want this role nor does SD15 want me to act like her mother.
So, there’s no reason to feel guilty or think that there’s a double standard. It’s not a requirement that every kid has 2 parents, it’s what works best in that situation. There's not a switch that you can flip and all of a sudden love a child like they are your own.
Congratulations on setting a
Congratulations on setting a healthy, normal boundary.
No, its not a double
No, its not a double standard. Much less is expected of a dad, compared to a mom. Asking Dh to be a dad to your dd is a far easier request than asking a woman to be a mother to his child. Might be sexist to say, but its true. Motherhood is a far different beast to fatherhood.
I think that some parents
I think that some parents (you) are comfortable w/ your parenting and are sure of yourself as a parent. Yes, we all make mistakes - I don't think there is a perfect parent, but when I corrected or put my two cents in regarding princess SD15 - I felt "the look" instant tension between DH and I. It was almost like he became instantly defensive about whatever I just said. Some can handle certain things and some cannot. You were up front w/ him and that was great!!