Engaged to a man with 3 adult children still in need of daddy
I am engaged to a man I have been with for 6 years. He has 3 adult children one of which is married and now pregnant. The other two are in their early 20's, jobless and expecting handouts. We had temporary custody of the youngest daughter for a few months in the beginning of our relationship and that was hard for me, as I was only 34 and had never dated a man with kids. The other two kids only in the last two years have started coming around. Since then our relationship has really changed. He spoils his kids and they are lazy and unmotivated and it drives me crazy. He feels guilt for them not wanting contact with him shortly after the divorce so in his eyes now they can do no wrong. We currently have his son(24) living with us. He is suppose to be learning the business, and starting to work but instead he watches tv most of the day, does as little as possible and drinks beer at night. I want to pull my hair out. When I comment about it to my fiance he says things can't be changed over night, so just try and deal with it for the time being. He was only suppose to be here for two weeks, which has now turned into a month and a half. I look like the bad guy for wanting him out. His daughter with whom he still gives a fairly large month allowance and is pregnant & can't wait for us to watch her baby as much as possible after they have it (BTW her and her husband have great jobs). I've been called grandma about 100 times (I am only 40 and we have been secretly trying to have kids) and it's making me feel like running for the hills. I feel selfish, for not wanting to stick this out but I continue to feel worse and worse about our relationship everyday. We are suppose to be getting married in 5 months, and our lives are so intertwined he would be absolutely shocked if I left. I'm still not sure what to do. Any advice is welcome.
Only you can decide what is
Only you can decide what is right for you. I truly hope that you can make this work, and that you and your DH can come to some compromises about his kids. Could you suggets to him that perhaps his son needs a deadline? Learn the business and start working by x date or leave?
If you aren't sure if you want to stay with this guy, then I would advise you to stop trying to have kids with him. Think about it this way- if you do have a baby together, then decide it isn't going to work, this guy will get to treat your children the same way he is currently treating his, making them IMPOSSIBLE for you to parent!
Run, run for the hills and
Run, run for the hills and don't look back. Seriously, things aren't likely to change unless you can drag your FH to counseling and even then it's iffy. He is molding his children into people that cannot think or act for themselves. Best of luck!
I'm so sorry you're dealing
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I've been there too. I'm not opposed to parents helping out their kids when they need help and if the kids are trying to help themselves. But it sounds like you're dealing with kids with a sense of entitlement. It won't change unless your fiance MAKES it change. There is some reason he allows these grownups to be dependent on him. In my case it was guilt from divorcing their mom coupled with his fear of rejection.
For me it HAS gotten better but only after lots of pain. If I knew then what I know now I wouldn't have married him until he was on the road to a healthier relationship with his kids. I felt the same as you -- selfish and 2nd place in his life. Don't go into a marriage until you feel better about it. Would you consider some counseling for yourself, and hopefully him too?
You're not being selfish,
You're not being selfish, you're being normal but so is he. He feels guilty. Guilty man's syndrome. GET OUT sweetie. If he is not listening to you and putting you first, he isn't the one for you. That is what courtship is about, to determine if the man you are seeing is that special person.
I suggest you move out and let him "court" you. If he isn't treating you the way you want, then you can be free to find someone else. When you live with them there is no motivation for them to "behave". They have to be jostled into submission. Good luck.
Guilt Parenting is dangerous
Guilt Parenting is dangerous no matter what the age of the "child." It sounds like you are starting to resent both your future husband as well as his children- is this correct?
Not to say that I would blame you in the least! Who wouldn't? After all, these are ADULTS! And he's giving an "allowance" to his grown, married "child" who, by your account, has a great job?
And you're already feeling the pressure of being the "built-in" babysitter before you're even married?
Really, why would you think it's going to get BETTER once you're married? The fact is, it's not. It's going to get much, much worse. And why? because your FH sees NO PROBLEM with it.
And if he sees no problems- then you have some hard choices to make. Either make your peace with it now and keep your mouth closed, keeping the attitude of, "His kids/his problem"
OR- get out now. You are 40. You have no kids, no ties. No baggage. You could have a WONDERFUL life with a man who will put YOU FIRST. Not his adult "kiddies" out of his own guilt.
But I think you are seeing the writing on the wall here. At the very least, POSTPONE this wedding untio you get into some counseling for you and him. Or you alone. But get some sort of counseling.
Best of luck to you.
Thank you everyone for the
Thank you everyone for the support and suggestions they are very appreciated. I am going to have a heart to heart talk with my SO after his SS moves out, (apparently this friday, YAY!). He is very open and likes to talk things out. But when it comes to his kids, he listens to what I have to say but thinks his way is best. He dotes on me quite a bit, but that seems to go out the window for me when his kids throw a monkey wrench in our relationship. I did go to counseling several years ago but it didn't help. Winehead you are completely right, his kids have a sense of entitlement and he knows it as well as I do. But in the end they are his kids and he feels the need to help them at all costs. Although we can afford it, I just DO NOT agree with his parenting style. It is shocking especially knowing his family history of living in a 3 bedroom house with 11 kids, and having no money. He understands the value of a dollar but never passed this on to his kids. The disconnect is really mind boggling. I do know it's not going to change, it's just the unraveling of us that scares me. We have a business together, a house, dogs etc... I'm not sure where I would go or what I would do, but I do know that I could figure it out if push came to shove. Our wedding is almost completely paid for (by us) and that makes me a little sick inside as well. Just looking for the right thing to do...
"He dotes on me quite a bit,
"He dotes on me quite a bit, but that seems to go out the window for me when his kids throw a monkey wrench in our relationship." That's EXACTLY how I felt (and sometimes still feel). When one of his kids call, we stop doing whatever it is we're doing (and I mean everything) in case "something is wrong". Guilt oozes.
Good luck with the heart to heart--focus on how you feel when he does whatever it is he does (even if counseling didn't work for you, it's a great technique).
Run...run like the
Run...run like the wind...
Had I known then the mess that this would become because of the adult skids, I would have NEVER stayed. And you know that little voice in your head that your mother always told you to listen to....that little voice was SCREAMING at me when I met SD for the first time, but I ignored it completely.