Every rule broken
Hubs and I have SD12 full time (her mom gave us custody and has chosen not to see her in about 7 years).
She breaks every single rule we have. We always enforce consequences...but she doesn't care, she breaks them anyways. She steals my stuff, too. Sometimes I just feel at a loss. This is my house, these are my things...and she takes them. It has been suggested that I padlock all of my things away in a closet. Who wants to live like that? I shouldn't HAVE to lock my stuff up so SD doesn't take it. She is allowed to borrow just about anything she wants...then she decides "borrowing" isn't good enough and she hides it in her room. She even took several pairs of my panties once.
She had to miss a dance practice due to not doing her chores despite warnings. Then I took her hair straightener away because it wasn't put up like it is supposed to be. So today, she gets it out and straightens her hair even though she was told she couldn't. She isn't allowed to have boyfriends due to inappropriate physical contact and getting detentions at school due to her boyfriends...so she gets another detention for holding her boyfriend's hand (when she wasn't allowed to have one in the first place!).
Her dad and I set rules for her and our house...she breaks them. She takes my stuff. I feel like we might as well let her do whatever she wants because that is exactly what she does anyways. I can't wait until she is 18 and I can kick her out for stealing and breaking rules...but I doubt our problems end there. I feel like I have no authority in my own home...and THAT my friends...is FRUSTRATING!!
At the time I thought it
At the time I thought it would be easier...and it was...for a while. SD had lice every time we had her...at least having her full time I got rid of the lice. But I didn't know she had attachment issues from living with a f'ed up mom that would make her a pain in the arse to live with later on
Nope, didn't know she took
Nope, didn't know she took the straightener. I checked it this morning and it felt warm so I went to her room and her hair was obviously straightened so I asked if she used and she said yes, because she had left it in her bathroom after using the last time (when she was allowed to). So now she loses it for Tuesday and Wednesday and since she went one more night without putting it away, she can't use it Thursday either. And it will now be hidden in my bedroom
I know she has no respect for me. I have been mom to this problem child for over 7 years when I didn't have to be, I have stood up for her and gotten her what she needed...and this is how she treats me in return. Maybe one day... She is actually in counseling and the therapist says she doesn't trust women due to her mother leaving her and it is obvious in her behavior towards me that she doesn't trust me, either. It is sad...but difficult, too.
We thought dance was her currency...so took away a practice and that did nothing to her. Now I think her straightener might work as currency...we shall see how much it upsets her when it is hidden and she can't use it behind our backs!
The bribing is probably a good idea...but I detest it, too! It might be worth sucking it up and giving it a try, though. We could probably bribe her with money, it might work because she knows I don't believe in paying kids to help around the house and she would love the idea of getting money that she knows I don't want to give.
I have considered an all
I have considered an all girls school or a military school...but honestly, I don't want to spend that kind of money on her. She doesn't get an allowance to begin with...I think kids should have to contribute to the family/household because they are a part of the family, not because they are getting paid. We have considered a small allowance with the purpose of teaching her how to save her money (yeah right) and then we would have something else to take away...but right now the idea of handing her money nauseates me.
"What actually happens to her?" She was once grounded from all electronics for almost a year. All she had to do to get un-grounded was do her chores appropriately for 1 week and she just couldn't do it. She has had her cell (that I didn't agree with in the first place) taken away permanently due to texting boys (clothed) photos of herself when she wasn't allowed to text boys at all (she saved their numbers in her phone as girl names). After she stole some of my jewelry I bought on my honeymoon, I took almost all of her clothes and left her nothing but one pillow and a blanket. She got it all back after a couple of weeks of decent behavior. After snooping in my cabinet that she has no need to be in and stealing the only nail polish I don't let her borrow, she was kicked out of my bathroom permanently. She neglected her chores and we made her miss a dance practice. She isn't allowed to go to any school dances or co-ed parties unless her dad or I chaperone...so far she just hasn't gone to any. She isn't allowed to have boyfriends but she does anyways (she just got punched today by an older girl when she demanded she talk to the girl's boyfriend). After she set up a secret FB page at her grandparent's house (complete with photos showing her bra and in very suggestive positions) and blocked her dad and I so we wouldn't know, she was kicked off internet use permanently unless for school work and it is monitored.
When she used the straightener when she wasn't supposed to I took it and multiplied the number of days she couldn't use it by 3. It is hidden in my room so I can use it when I want to but she cannot. She got a lecture on consequences when she told me she didn't understand the consequences that were written in ink prior to her breaking the rule. So she tried to use the curling iron and waver but I took them from her immediately (she got them out of my bathroom where she isn't allowed so I knew she was up to something. No straightener means no hair tools at all.)
In March, we are spending $10,000 on an intensive counseling session for her. I am at my wits end...I pray that the intensive helps. If it doesn't, I don't know how much I will tolerate before I make hubs give her to her mom or his parents. I deserve to be happy in my home. My kids deserve to see happy parents. I fear SD will rub off on them and teach them disrespect is normal. I want a good relationship with my bios and to hell if I will let her ruin my chances. I guess I just don't know when enough is enough and I should tell him she has to go.
Dad is like most men and
Dad is like most men and doesn't notice things like I do. But we have tried to handle the discipline in several different ways. We have tried being a united front, we have tried him doing all of it and we have tried me disciplining when I discover a broken rule and Dad disciplining when he discovers a broken rule. Usually, when hubs is handling all of the discipline, she starts disrespecting me more because she sees me as a pawn with no power. When I discipline, she hates me. A united front is probably our best option. Hubs stands behind me on everything, he never disagrees with me. He has undermined my authority a time or two in the past (he gave her the cell when we were separated so it was in contract when we got back together). I think what we are doing would work great for a normal child...it just doesn't work great for a kid that doesn't care or love anyone but herself. The intensive counseling is supposed to address SD's mommy issues and help us learn how to parent a child with her emotional problems...I just hope March gets here before I go crazy! I guess I will just keep venting until then so I don't blow my top off! It helps just knowing her behavior stumps others as well.
My aunt did something similar
My aunt did something similar with my cousins that she adopted (they are my cousin's kids, and she lost custody of them, so our aunt took them in)...
They were on the verge of getting kicked out of middle school, and my aunt went to the school and told them they had an "appointment" with the police...She took them to jail...A police officer cuffed them, and put them in the tank for a few minutes while they bawled their eyes out...
He took them out and talked to them (while still cuffed)...
They were scared to death...and straightened up immediately...
I thought it was genius...
I have been seriously
I have been seriously considering this...
You need house rules. Post
You need house rules. Post them on a white board. My counselor said start with about 3. And make them count. Not willy nilly silly stuff.
Make them short and sweet.
Secondly, list set punishments. NO phone use. No junk food. No computer time. No tv time.
And third.. be consistent.
That's what they told us with my son.
It sounds like she could use some time with a therapist. Her behavior sounds to me like a call for attention.
She wants it anyway she can get it.
Esp stealing. That can lead to trouble that you guys won't be able to get her out of!!
The early sexual stuff is troubling as well. I think it's sad that so many of our teens think that to get love you need to be sexual. Sad commentary on our examples in the media.
Done, done and done...it
Done, done and done...it still doesn't work with her. I swear this kid really doesn't care if she is left with nothing but a mattress on her floor...she will still break rules. It's like she doesn't understand there are consequences for her actions.
She has a therapist, she has Reactive Attachment Disorder which is why she is so difficult. But having a name for it doesn't make it much easier to deal with
I am also very troubled by the sexual stuff...scared to death she will get herself pregnant.
I have a problem with my ds15
I have a problem with my ds15 skipping school. My solution? The next time his school calls me, because he has missed a class. I will be calling the school and telling them to report him to the truancy officer. Then, he loses ALL electronics, (cell, ps3, tv, ALL of it) he will have a bed to sleep in and food to eat, that's IT! He is at an age that his truancy no longer falls to me. It is HIS responsibility to show up to school. If I wake him up, get him on the bus, and he doesn't go to class, HE goes to jail, NOT ME. This was a HUGE wake up call for him. We had a nice talk with his school officer who was very informative and told ds all of these things. Because we all know "MOM" doesn't know anything. We are totally ignorant when it comes to the law, medicine, fashion, you name it! I've told them "If you think you know everything, move out now while you still do!" Ds17 did just that! He will be 18 in a couple of months and he didn't care for our rules or chores. So he lives with friends, goes to school, has a job, and he hates it! But, apparently its better than having to take out our trash or cut the grass or clean his room! Boy, he sure had it tough!
I agree with you when you say you feel like a prisoner in your home. My own kids come into my and Fdh's room and use my things (make-up, hair stuff, whatever they want) and never put anything back! Dd13 and I are the same size in shoes and clothes so nothing in my closet is safe! It drives me nuts! Fdh and I are working on their behavior and SLOWLY its improving. Dd13 actually Cooked dinner last night! Fdh and I ran some errands and we were late getting back. I was rushing in the door to cook and dd says "Don't worry momma, its almost done" I nearly hit the floor! This is the same girl who wouldn't help with HER laundry LAST weekend! They are realizing all Fdh and I do to keep them happy, safe, and comfortable.
All my kids had to suffer my x's abuse of me (never them) but, they were witness to more than any kid should have to be. They've been testing Fdh, seeing how far they could push before he would do just like X did. I'm hopeful they're realizing he is nothing like X and he loves me and them and will NEVER hurt us!
I'm sorry I'm not much help. Keep trying, even at 12 sd can change. Tell her the hair straightener is just the beginning. If she keeps disobeying she will lose everything. So far ds hasn't missed one class. The thought of coming home to an empty room or going to jail, was enough to put him on the straight and narrow. And hopefully it will keep him there. He loves his electronics. As most teens do. A place to sleep and food to eat is All you have to provide, everything else is a bonus!
Since she seems to pull all
Since she seems to pull all of this stuff behind your backs, I would take away her privacy and not give it back until she proved herself to be trustworthy. Take her bedroom door down, take away all forms of communication (cell phone, internet, carrier pigeons, whatever), and don't ever let her be out of sight in the house. It will not be easy at all to pull that off, but you won't have to worry about your things being stolen. If she wants to act like a criminal, then treat her like a criminal.
Hmmm... I work in a jail (it
Hmmm... I work in a jail (it has surprising parallels to the SM life). Often, we have an inmate that just decides to be a problem and nothing seems to matter (what are we going to do, throw them in jail?). I've found a good solution is to take EVERYTHING from them, and then make them earn each item back one at a time. Give her a clean outfit each day, one that you pick out, and that is it. As she learns to behave and take care of things, give her things back one at a time. Like VAStep415 said, behavior dictates the response you get.
I can completely relate. My
I can completely relate. My SD15 used lists of rules as an action item list of what she could do to piss me and her dad off. She completely ignored rules and the consequences. Punishments didn't phase her. Taking things away didn't bother her. She didn't care or she found ways around them.
Bribing her didn't work since even when she wanted most was at stake. In fact, she did exactly what we told her not to do to retaliate as if she was daring us to punish her - which made her dad look like the most evil father in the entire universe so she could tell her maternal relatives how horrible her dad was.
From my experience with SD15, if the kid doesn't want to be part of your family and has absolutely no desire to get along and make things work, then you're utterly hosed. They simply won't behave and there's nothing you can do. These kids are old enough to understand what they're doing and they're making conscience decisions to not follow the rules and to not be part of your family.
With SD15, our only choice was to send her to live with her aunt & uncle. Since she wants to be there, she chooses to follow the rules.
"My SD15 used lists of rules
"My SD15 used lists of rules as an action item list of what she could do to piss me and her dad off."
I think this is what she does! Last night I reminded her about no hair straightener so she took the curling irons and hair wavers and I had to remind her no hair straightener meant no other hair tools either. She was pissed! So then I reminded her it was a consequence of her actions and it was a rule listed in black and white she could read it anytime and see what consequence would be enforced if she broke the rule. She said she didn't "get it" (whatever) so I made her listen to a 30 minute lecture on consequences in the "real world". Punishments don't phase her, either. I cannot wait until she is 18 and I can kick her out for this crap!
IMO, SD15 liked being
IMO, SD15 liked being disruptive and causing her dad and me to have to waste our time dealing with her and pitting us against each other. When she hadn't done something she was suppose to, she would shrug and then wait for the explosion. She enjoyed putting her dad in a situation where he had to yell at her - like she wanted to prove that he was as horrible of a dad as she says he is.
Lectures never worked. She knew what she was suppose to be doing and she enjoyed wasting our time and making us angry. Ignoring is probably a better strategy.
OH MY GOSH!! you sound like
OH MY GOSH!! you sound like me......dh and I have been together for 12+ years....2 years ago BM decided she had enough with SD then 13......she gave us hell - battled w/ me to the end. she knew daddy would take her side and when he didn't - she could break him! It caused me to sit down w/ DH and tell him I was leaving and taking his other 3 children and that I could not and did not want her here. I mean, this girl was doing it all too - lying, cheating, stealing, having sex multiple times sometimes in my home.
It took him about a month but he swolled a lot and saw the light. WE stripped her of EVERYTHING!! I mean EVERYTHING. we hammered her windows shut; we took out all house phones (we used our cell) no sports, no leaving the house; no laptop, we even stopped talking to her - everything she said we checked out; all we let her do where chores...It took about 5 more months of pure hell. But she got the point, no more B.S. from her!!
I had to do something similar
I had to do something similar to what hbell did with my own bio-kid. (maybe not QUITE so drastic)
But my kid went thru the phase of doing what she wanted (no sex or stealing, Thank God!)
Just ignoring rules like shower time, bed time, no makeup for school days, slacking off on homework, messy room, missing the bus because of fiddling with her hair…
I took everything from her too. I’d set out clothes, her toothbrush and a comb, each day. He “hated” me
Of course she did, you’re not doing your job as a parent unless you kid hates you at least once in their life!
She earned back her clothes, then her hair tools, and eventually her lap-top and her phone and her other “stuff”
She knows that any of it can be taken from her at a moment’s notice, she knows that we’re in charge and she knows that I don’t do this stuff because I like to punish her, I have explained to her ad naseum that I do it because I want her to grow up to be happy, healthy, well adjusted, non-smart ass, non spoiled rotten young lady, who knows the value of everything she has and has respect for others as they have respect for her
If it gets too bad, take the door off her room, take her clothes away, take the sheets off her bed, take it ALL away and have her earn it back with good behavior
I had stripped her of a lot
I had stripped her of a lot the last time I found my stuff in her room (most of her clothes and some pillows and blankets), but perhaps taking her door and laying her clothes out for her each day would work better. Taking away her privacy would definitely hit her where it hurts.
She takes on this "poor me, everyone hates me" attitude and tries to guilt her dad and I...and it works.
I will definitely keep this in mind for the next big issue we have with her. I just wish she could be a normal kid that wants her parents to be proud of her...she at least acts like she doesn't care what we think. We watch "World's Strictest Parents" together sometimes (I thought it would show her we aren't that bad and we could be a lot worse), and I honestly think the "bad kids" are her role models and she thinks she couldn't be "broken" like the kids on the show are.
Daddy fell for princess's
Daddy fell for princess's "poor me" for a long time. Then he caught on and began to tell her.."No one feels sorry for you anymore; it's not poor SD! You did this to yourself!!"
I think that hit her hard! Daddy didn't buy her crap anymore.
Good luck
With my SD15, she had the
With my SD15, she had the whole pity party going on and wanted to make things seem as bad as possible when she was living with us so she could tell her maternal relatives that her dad and stepmom were horrible to her.
I'm not sure in this case if there are maternal relatives involved. With my SD, her BM's parental rights were terminated, but she had a number of other relatives and half-siblings that she liked to make me and her dad out as the villains.
That's the problem with blended family situations like this. Even though her dad had fully custody of SD15, she could play her maternal relatives against him.
I have exact same issue but
I have exact same issue but with my stepson. She is talking her mommy issues out on you. We lock everything that we can. Yes it sucks to live this way. We also have to micro manage every minute he is home to make sure chores get done. Of course every chance he gets he tells people I am abusive and have grounded him for 2 years. I see the light at the end of the tunnel. A little over a year and we are kicking him out to the world. Keep your head up.