Ex wife let herself into our home without our permission
I actually posed this question to another online group I found-- but there were not many stepmoms in that group and I basically was told this was all my fault somehow and to just get over it. So, I am happy to have found this site and would like some feedback. I want to try and make this make as much sense as possible and want to know if I am over reacting.
My husband, “Dave”, and I have been married for a little over a year and together 3 years total. Dave has a daughter from a previous marriage who is 7, but he and his ex divorced when his daughter was 2. When Dave and I met, I knew about his daughter immediately and also learned a little about his ex wife and their split. It was rocky at first, according to him, but over the years they learned how to co-parent and we have had relatively no issues with his ex wife since I have been in the picture. KEYWORD: RELATIVELY 
There have been some very minor issues here and there regarding miscommunication about school projects or swapping dates with their daughter, but nothing truly major.
Dave and I decided to move in together after about a year of dating, and he asked me if I wanted to move in with him or if I wanted to get a new place together since he bought and owned his home with his ex wife (she no longer owned any portion of it after the divorce). I didn’t see or feel the need to do that, and so I agreed to move in with him into his home. He has his daughter split custody so we have her every other week, and it’s been that way since before I was in the picture.
This brings me to my irrational overreaction.
Every Sunday we pack up his daughters backpack of stuff to take back to her moms house and Dave typically does all of the dropping off or picking up. As we were packing up, we forgot to grab her dance outfit and tap shoes from the nursery we are currently painting. I’m almost 8 months pregnant with a girl and she wanted to compare her dance costume to the color swatches we have painted on the wall. So, the leotard and shoes didn’t make it back into the bag since none of us remembered to check that room.
Come Monday, her mom is calling Dave to ask about getting her stuff for practice that night. He was traveling and in the air while she was calling and texting him, so he didn’t get any of her attempts. She reached out to me as well, but since we aren’t “friends” on social media where she messaged me, it went into a spam folder and I never saw it. According to her, at that point she drove over to our house, used a spare key to let herself in and went through the house looking for the leotard and shoes. She also picked up a toy that my step daughter wanted and then left the house. <--- this is all according to her and her initial recall of the situation
When Dave landed and finally was able to call her back, she nonchalantly dropped in conversation that she had a spare and let herself in to grab the clothes and the toy and then locked back up and walked out. Dave was pretty floored, since he did not know that she still had a spare. He apparently told her that she has no right to walk into our home without our knowledge and that she majorly crossed the line. She admitted it was a last resort, but that she isn’t “some stranger” and it is part of their “shared property” since it was her daughters belongings at our house. He says he told her that regardless, she still isn’t welcome to help herself to our home and wants any spare keys back. She said she should have the key in case of an emergency with their daughter and that she has never been “out of options like this before”. It was a stupid leotard and some tap shoes, not life and death here! Dave still maintained that with all of the changes coming up with the new baby and with us living there as family, it wasn’t appropriate for her to come in unannounced. To which she apparently argued that his second family doesn’t take priority over his first responsibility to his “first” family.
So, they basically argued over what she meant by that and that a forgotten dance costume doesn’t mean he abandoned his daughter. This all came second hand to me, but the second wing of that argument over first vs second family isn’t what upset me. It was her admittance of letting herself in and showing zero remorse or concern for it.
I was LIVID when he relayed all of this to me. So livid that I told Dave that we were changing all the locks, and that I wanted to have a sit down with her to explain face to face how unacceptable it was that she did this. I might have been more lenient if she showed any type of remorse or apologized for the violation of privacy, but her response indicated to me that she felt entitled to our home and that given the circumstances, she would have no problem doing it again!
Dave understands my anger and feels the same way, but he really wishes I would drop it and doesn’t want to bring it up again to her since their initial phone conversation about it. He has agreed to changing the locks, which should have been done when she moved out in my opinion, but he doesn’t want to “start drama” by dragging this point on and on. My point is that the “drama” was brought on by his ex wife helping herself to our home, and that she deserves any awkwardness she might feel being sat down and confronted about the lack of boundaries here. I don’t want to be confrontational and I rarely ever am, but this is my home we are talking about and I feel like I need to do this.
I think I am over reacting to some extent, but when I think about that woman letting herself in, going into our nursery, looking at her old home and possibly out of curiosity going into all the rooms and seeing OUR life now, it totally creeps me out! I feel like a our home was broken into in a sense, which could totally be my hormones talking at this point. I don’t know her well enough to know if she misses living there and she just wanted an excuse to check it out again or what, but I am just very disturbed at this moment.
^^^^^
All of this was my initial post/vent about the situation and I was basically told I needed to back off, quit causing strife and that it was weird we didn't already have emergency contact info. I haven't had any need to! Am I wrong in that? We NOW do, because of these events, but prior to this 100% of communication went through Dave.
This all happened last week, so here's the update from Sunday during drop off:
For a small update, during drop off on Sunday his ex did not want to give back her key. Dave basically told her it was more of a gesture because we had already changed out the locks to a keypad, and that now that she has our numbers to call first and we will determine what kind of emergency it is. She got pretty upset that he would “lock her out” like that, and admitted to him that it “felt good” to use her key inside of her old home again. She basically said it felt comforting to go inside her old home and that she WAS curious how it had changed. She commented that she did like the kitchen update and the back deck, so obviously it wasn’t as “in and out” as she led Dave to believe initially because the kitchen and back deck are all towards the back of the house and the 2 rooms she claimed to only go in are located towards the front.
He also told her that using the old vs new family lines around their daughter is inappropriate, since those are HER insecurities, not reality. She basically stated it “felt like he moved on”, and that she “finally sees that now”. Dave had to remind her that SHE filed for divorce over 5 years ago now and that he is very much still a father to their daughter, but very married to me.
So, my frustration is that there's some new sore for her that is open and this is the beginning of some risky behavior from her.
I really hope you did change
I really hope you did change the locks. She will not listen to reason. You are about to give birth and a talk with her will not make things better. Please take care of yourself. Changed locks are the answer to this invasion.
Yes the locks have been
Yes the locks have been changed to a keypad that we can re-key the code if necessary
If it's been "relatively"
If it's been "relatively" drama free up til now, I say change the locks and leave it at that. The fact that your SO immediately defended you & the home that you all share now (which used to be hers but no longer is) probably was hard enough for her to swallow. I'm not sure anything you have to say could cut any deeper that having to hear him defend you/the home before he ever even spoke to you about how you felt about it. Change the locks, sit back, kick your feet up and let him handle her, you have a baby on the way, the ex isn't worth you stressing over, he's obviously got it covered.
I'm sorry you had this
I'm sorry you had this violation. Please remember you can't control anyone else's actions - just your own. Change the locks and define your boundaries. That's it. Let everything else go. Forget how she feels about it. It doesn't matter. All that matters is you protecting your personal space. Your DH gets it. You get it. No need to sit down with her, You will get nowhere. He needs to drop it with her as he is getting nowhere. Do what you need to protect your space and forget the rest.
Change the locks-then let go
Change the locks-then let go and concentrate on your coming baby. Don't let this woman upset you.
I would ask how DH would feel if you had a key to her house so you could go round and pick 'stuff' up? Does he have a key to her place? If not then there is no justification for her having one to yours. I don't think you over reacted at all- I would be furious. In my head I would be finding a key, going round to hers and then saying to DH that his ex has lousy taste in soft furnishings. In fairyland- that's what we'd do...
I don't think you over
I don't think you over reacted but if the locks are changed, you can just let it go now. She was totally out of line.
she drove over to our house,
she drove over to our house, used a spare key to let herself in
This is totally inappropriate and unacceptable, so glad that you changed the locks. You feel violated and that is understandable. I'm glad that your DH confronted her and told her that it was unacceptable.
I don't think that anything that you have to say to her it going to have an impact, though. It might even give her satisfaction to know that it bothers you so much, it gives her a peek into your vulnerability. Sometimes, remaining somewhat of a mystery is a good thing.
Hopefully, now that she really gets that he has moved on, she will leave well enough alone but if not, let your husband deal with her. There is no reason to stress yourself out regarding her. If she ever crosses the line with you personally, definitely stand up for yourself and let her know that you won't tolerate it, but otherwise, let your DH handle her. I mean, I know entering your house was personal but you know what I mean.
I would not have let him give her your number but that's just me. I would let her calls go to voicemail, then listen to them to determine if I needed to communicate with her. If she starts abusing it, block her.
Avoid the sit-down. It won't
Avoid the sit-down. It won't resolve anything and she will likely continue with her caca that she is "family", etc, which will only anger you more. You're pregnant. You don't need the stress. Dave spoke to her, the locks are changed, she cannot get inside your home.
I suggest you block her on everything. Social media, your cell phone, your email. She does not need to contact you - you are not the child's parent. She can contact Dave.
She is not "family". She is
She is not "family". She is SD's family. Not yours, not your husband's.
If she wasn't SD's mother, but rather some random neighbour, or someone who used to live there years ago, what would you do differently?
I think it's great that you
I think it's great that you have a husband who stands up for you and your relationship while still co parenting with his ex.
So many husbands of women on here are spineless, balless man babies who would never do anything that might upset BM or the skids. Most problems on here stem from the fact that DH would rather keep BM happy than their wife.
You are lucky to not have that problem.
The locks are changed, the problem has been solved.
You will NEVER change BM or her feelings of entitlement. Having a face to face meeting with her will only stir up emotions and create drama.
Being 8 months pregnant your emotions and hormones are already out of whack, you don't need the added stress that a confrontation will bring.
Take a deep breath, relax and enjoy the last month of sleep before the baby arrives.
^^^^^ THIS ^^^^^ The locks
^^^^^ THIS ^^^^^
The locks are changed. Game over.
Do NOT let this woman take up any space in your mind when you can use that space to think about the beautiful gift that you will give birth to soon.
This chick already lost. YOU won.
Like I said, GAME OVER.
Look up your local ordinance
Look up your local ordinance on "unlawful entry" and send the &$@%}{ witch with a b a copy of it.
You can also stop by your local police department and discuss this with them.
Since you had the locks
Since you had the locks changed, I would drop it. No need for a sit down with BM, because she's not going to be able to violate you again... well unless SD knows where the spare key is and tells BM? :? I always worried about that with my SD.
..and a forgotten Leotard and tap shoes is NOT an emergency. She could have skipped practice that day, or I'm quite certain she could have shown up, explained to instructor what happened and SD could have practiced sans leotard and tap shoes. BM was being overdramatic and grasping at straws to justify why she literally committed a CRIME by going into your home. Just because her daughter lives there does not mean BM has free reign to enter your home.
I used to live in my mother's home but I would never dream of just letting myself in because I forgot some spandex and shoes and thinking that I was entitled to do so.
OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO That is
OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
That is the worse feeling in the world. Believe me I know how you feel.
From this day forward I would NOT EVER exchange anything.
I am so sorry.
NO you are not over reacting. Nothing worse then knowing she may have looked in your closet, drawers, cabinets etc.
Its awful, such an awful feeling.
You have to move out of that
You have to move out of that house. XW will always feel the house is hers,and she can do what she wants. That you are only a visitor In that house. Not a way to start a new life!!! and staying there is going to come back and bite at some point in your life
To an extent this will always
To an extent this will always be true. I moved into the *family* home and ss's let me know that this will always be THEIR house. The first year I lived here there were tulips blooming out front then one day they were gone, like someone came and cut them. I mentioned this to DH while SIL was over and SIL said that maybe BM had come and cut them since they were HER tulips. Talk about freaking me out! Luckily we have changed the locks since I've been here (due to a renter DH had) and only DH and I have the deadbolt keys.
We are moving towards buying OUR own home together.
HER tulips?? That would
HER tulips??
That would really make me upset.
yes and anytime ss's have
yes and anytime ss's have seen them in bloom they always point out the tulips that MOM planted. *sigh* The upside is that I will reeealllly appreciate DH and I having OUR own place.
Dig up the tulip bulbs and
Dig up the tulip bulbs and have SS take them to BM to plant at her house.
Plan a new, tulip-free garden.
I would pull those f^ckers
I would pull those f^ckers out!
We'll likely have sold this
We'll likely have sold this place before they bloom again. But yeah, if I'm here they're going to get cut, given to a sweet elderly neighbor and dug up. would rather plant something a little heartier and longer lasting to replace them.
Lilies and gladiolas are
Lilies and gladiolas are nice.
lilies are one of my
lilies are one of my faves!!!! very low-maintenance.
daffodils are also a good one to count on for beautiful yearly blooms. and irises.
Lilies will last longer than
Lilies will last longer than daffodils and irises - although I do like both!
I didn't know that one
I didn't know that one retained landscaping ownership when one moved out of a house. :?
When I bought my house, the sellers wanted their mulberry bush so they took it with them, they didn't leave it and then come and pick mulberries.
Right? But we all know how it
Right? But we all know how it goes in step land, all ownership of everything, including DH, defaults to the original family.
I had to shake my head and
I had to shake my head and roll my eyes, when I read this line regarding you initially posting on another online group, "but there were not many stepmoms in that group and I basically was told this was all my fault somehow and to just get over it."
I admit, in this case BM may have just done it unthinkingly, but after the fact, she should have agreed that it was wrong and returned her key. End of story. This is one thing I don't think non-steps really think about, from a SM's point of view (and it really should be everyone's), her husband is her husband, no questions asked. She and her husband are husband and wife and deserve to be treated like husband and wife by everyone. BM coming along on vacay or crashing someone's home or arranging for SM to sit away from her husband at an event, and so on--for SM, this is no different than some woman down the street doing these things. When BM and DH divorced, they gave up any right to be treated as a couple. They are parents, yes, but they are not a couple. So, for non-steps, imagine if your neighbor from 3 homes down just showed up in your home, or wanted to go on vacay with you, or could decide when you could or could not sit with your DH at an event. You'd be shocked and offended, right!? This is pretty much how it feels for SM. AND, she has the right to feel that way.
Yet, it is absolutely amazing how many people think it is perfectly okay for BM to continue to ingratiate herself into DH and SM's marriage and home, and for BM to still set the social arrrangments for DH (usually sans SM) at so-called family events. This is even years after the divorce. Ridiculous.
After DH and BM split, she
After DH and BM split, she would call him at work and leave a message for him to call his wife. We were not married, yet, but he called me and asked if I had called. Nope, that would be BM, thinking she still has ownership of you.
Damn right it's ridiculous.
I am so sorry that you have
I am so sorry that you have to deal with this when your are pregnant. I am sorry but your DH seems like he is choosing BM's feelings over yours when he said that you should just move on from the "drama" It is true it is probably best and more healthy for you to move on but, that woman needs to know that she will not get away with that crap again and boundaries need to be set into place.
"DH seems like he is choosing
"DH seems like he is choosing BM's feelings over yours when he said that you should just move on from the "drama" "
I could not disagree more. Her DH is looking out for her and her feelings when he says to let this go!
Her DH knows BM and likely knows that a face to face meeting, and a pissing contest telling BM that she won't get away with this crap is just asking for drama and more bulls*#+
Nothing either of them is going to change BM, confronting her and putting her in her place will only enrage her.
OPs DH did exactly the right thing. He changed the locks, he told BM the house isn't hers to come and go from and he let her know he's moved on.
Let it go and stop giving BM space in your head.
I feel really lucky in the
I feel really lucky in the husband department, as he has ALWAYS stuck up for me to her and to his daughter. I think he just wants me to relax these last couple of weeks and not to stress about it and let him handle it. He's not ever one to shirk parenting responsibilities on me or make me do anything I don't want to do or be a part of things I don't want to be a part of. This is the only situation in 3 years where I kind of wish I could have said MY 2 cents and then exited stage left, but I think he said everything I would've said except left out a few choice adjectives... so in retrospect it is probably best he did handle it, because nothing good would have come from that.
This was my response to some of the questions I was asked in the other group:
My husband and his ex wife owned the home until the divorce, at which point she was removed from the deed when the divorce was final and relinquished any rights or investment into the home moving forward. I agree he should have changed the locks immediately, and I think it was just one of those things that was overlooked initially and then considered a non-issue after a while because the thought of her walking in seemed far fetched. Obviously that was a mistake
The “issue” of us not having each others contact information is a two way street. I have never reached out to her, and she has never reached out to me independently from my husband. I have always been advised that it’s best to let the parents manage their parental responsibilities and there’s been no need for me to coordinate anything with her in my 3 years with him. However; she now has my cell number and I have hers for emergencies only.
[ This comment was directed and people telling me I was the one causing problems ] I’m surprised many here believe that this should be considered normal or accepted behavior just because she is the ex. Neither Dave nor I agree to that logic and we don’t think it’s a healthy model for his daughter. The notion of “first vs second” family is concerning, because that’s not how he feels, or we feel, at all. In fact, it’s quite opposite from that and we consider it be OUR family of 3, almost 4 members (and no, that 4th member does not include the ex wife!-- her home is separate from ours). If the ex wife is already spewing this kind of dissension, that is a problem. Additionally, we teach respect and discernment in our home. Respect for other people, their property, their feelings, their schedule. We don’t barge in on her time with her mother, we don’t make demands or take anything from her, we always approve well in advance with her if there is to be a schedule change. A PP stated that parents will do anything these days to keep the kids happy, and that is true. That isn’t how WE have decided to parent, and if the situation were reversed, she would have gone to dance wearing another leotard and her other dance shoes. We value discernment in the sense that we do not approach the ex with conflict unless it is warranted, and if the situation looks like it is getting out of control. I know in the past, Dave has had to draw some really strong lines in the sand with her because of boundary issues. We aren’t afraid to co-parent alongside her in the midst of conflict if she CHOOSES to create conflict and push boundaries.
SM already showed you that
SM already showed you that she has NO respect for you, and your boundaries. You are JUST the GF living in her house.
Anyone who feels that this is your home would not do this. Would you walk into a neighbors house that you don't know to get something that you kid left there. Would you not be afraid that you would not be shot as an bulgur????
SM doesn't feel that way, she knows that nothing will happen, slap on the rist !!! The SM will fill your SD head with its her and daddy's house. SD has more rights in the house, her room, her yard, her house
You have to sell the house and buy a house that both you and SO want, that it's YOURS and SO house. You pay the bills and you make the rules. THe Golden Rule.... Who has the Gold makes the Rulls. Save yourself a lot of disappointment and misery
Listen to people who went before you and already made that mistakes
2. If she wanted your contact information. I,e, cell phone number ? Don't you think she would have it ASAP
It's just a excuse, she uses. Why do we give SP the excuses,, They made it to 20 something, had a marriage , had a child. Now they can't tell time, remember a phone number, or know how to pay a bill !!!
REALLY
I actually read your post on
I actually read your post on the other board last night and I think I literally made noises over some of those responses. Especially the COD that was late to the party.
Your reaction is not at all out of line and anybody that tries to convince you otherwise? Pfft.
One of the things I treasure most about our dynamic is that I DON'T have to deal with BM, regardless of who thinks I woulda, coulda, shoulda.
SO and I see it as strictly SO's job and so it is. Changing that dynamic is the one thing above all else that would keep me from directly confronting her. No way, no how am I opening that door. Not even with the chain still latched.
She doesn't think she's in the wrong, she doesn't care that you do and she doesn't value your opinion or existence enough to consider it so don't even bother.
I am expecting BM nonsense to ramp up on my end because we're under contract on a new house. She suggested the need for similar "in case of emergency." Uh. Nope.
If she wasn't so dismissive of our relationship (and therefore a boundary trampler) I may not be so firm on her never setting foot on the property. But for the foreseeable future? Nope. Nope. And yeah, no.
Because she goes Godzilla on any semblance of boundary where it comes to her new (4+ years) role as a co-parent rather than a wife I totally understand your reaction and where you're coming from. I get it. Luckily for both of us our "Dave's" get it, too. Best you can hope for when your BM is a closet nostalgic.
Just remember: Locks are changed, to her that's a harder kick in the teeth than you having a chat with her.
Right?! I was rolling my eyes
Right?! I was rolling my eyes pretty hard at some of the responses. I randomly searched and came across a few boards on there and thought it might be worth getting some perspective, but I think I should have directed it here first.
I'm always ready for the
I'm always ready for the step/non-step divide but I was still surprised that so many people were basically like "girl it's your hormones, stop causing trouble."
Hello, it's your home. Not who sat where at a school picnic.
Crazies.
Your DH is the root cause. He
Your DH is the root cause. He should have immediately rekeyed the locks. Since he didn't. You call the locksmith and have it done immediately.
Have your attorney send her a nasty gram and also immediately call the police and file charges.
No need letting this fester. Nail her ass to the wall.
There needs to be zero tolerance for this kind of crap IMHO.
Congratulations on the stb new baby.
Been here. Only my DH and I
Been here. Only my DH and I bought our house way after BM and he were divorced. I came home one day to BM walking down the stairs from upstairs, SD gave her the garage code.BM acted like no big deal. I went f-ing bonkers. So as I am standing there with my jaw open, she greets me, and leaves. No explanation. nothing. It wasnt' until I went bananas to my DH that something was said. I basically told her- I don't go into your home. What makes you think you can just waltz right into mine without me knowing about it? She tried to tell me it was different because these were "her kids" I told her if she ever laid foot in my house again without being invited I would have her arrested. I also told her that since I am a farm girl, she might meet the end of the barrel if she tried it again... (yes I said that) the Skids no longer have keys, no garage codes and no alarm codes and yes it is a pain in the @ss, but I would rather that than that woman being in my house- there are some things that are just sacred in a second marriage, and this is one of them- not having to worry about the ex coming in. I know you mention you are pregnant, but perhaps you and your husband should think about selling and buying a new home so that BM has no "shared" property or common ground with your husband. ugh. I'm sorry, I know how bad this is and I don't think you are over-reacting whatsoever.
Because DH is afraid of this
Because DH is afraid of this very thing, he will not let SD or SS have our garage code or keys. When the time comes for them to have keys, DH plans on getting the dual key locks so that the kid's keys will only work when they are supposed to be at our house. DH also intends to inform the kids that if BM is ever allowed in our house, they both lose their keys. He's counting on them to keep each other accountable.
https://www.kwikset.com/smart-security.aspx - this is a link to the doorknobs he plans to use. I know there are some coded entry knobs that you can set for specific times of entry, but that's currently out of our price range. We'd do it if necessary but wanted to try this way first.
Your BM is relatively mild,
Your BM is relatively mild, but she may ramp up anyway now that DH is having a baby with you. Or just to prove she was right and he can't tell her what to do. It depends on how narcissistic she is, but she doesn't sound extremely narcissistic, or y'all wouldn't have gotten along up to this point.
There is something you can do that would probably make you feel momentarily better, but it would definitely poke the beast and escalate tensions. Y'all may not get along anymore -- I don't recommend it, but it is your decision, or could be something to keep in mind if she does something else in the future:
You could send her a Trespass Warning Letter, like this one https://police.amarillo.gov/pdf/TrespassWarningLetter.pdf , replace "return to" with "enter", and follow the directions on the front page. This will make it easier for you to have her arrested next time.
Here are a couple of other samples, you'd need to edit to fit "not entering", or she will use "not return" as an excuse to make DH do all the driving:
http://www.startasecuritycompany.com/Trespass_Warning_Notice_-_Sample.pdf
https://www.pdffiller.com/en/project/128779200.htm?f_hash=0ecebd&reload=...
Our BM is a psychopath, and I live in constant fear of something like this happening. I would explode. Our latest freakout was when BM bought SD a cellphone and tried to send it to our house. Given her prior spying behavior, I would expect photos and videos to make their way to BM. We reminded SD she has always had access to the house phone, and if we find that cellphone in our house she will regret it. I told DH I would burn the house down, and I really kinda meant it.
I can relate completely. A
I can relate completely. A similar event happened to me as well. While we were in Cuba for my sister's wedding, SD11 was 10 at the time, his ex-wife came into our house with SD for a tour.
The day before we'd left, she had texted him to ask about a shoe. SD11 had only taken one shoe. DH told her we'd drop it off. She said, don't worry about it -- SD11 had a key in her backpack (we'd forgotten she still had it). He said DO NOT use the key. And we went out of our way to drop off the shoe and another item on our way to the airport. I said he should ask for the key at that point, but he didn't want to create any drama.
Fast-forward to a week later when we returned. DH was chatting with SD11, who gleefully told him that she'd given her mother a tour of our house (she loves giving visitors a "tour" of the house). He pieced the story together from her, that even though we'd delivered the missing things, she'd decided she missed a certain stuffie so her mother drove her to our house and they let themselves in. She took a bunch of stuff out of SD11's room and a wicker basket out of our bedroom that she recognized as her own (it had been in SD11's room but for some reason it was in our bedroom at the time). So yes, she had a FULL tour.
I was outraged and felt violated when he told me. I wanted to call the police and have her charged for trespassing! We finally agreed that it would not be in the best interest of the child to have her mother charged, but I was still livid. He changed the locks and then, at my insistence, wrote an email to tell her that it was unacceptable that she was in our house uninvited and that she is not welcome in our home ever. Her response? That she would never want to go back in there, as she was sufficiently repulsed by her tour. What?? I suppose because she got to see that her ex-husband had success fully moved on and has a nice home, and her daughter has a good home to spend 50% of her time.
She also insisted that she was not "uninvited" because SD11 had invited her in. Not acceptable. I had DH make it extremely clear to SD11 that her mother is not to enter our home, just as he will not enter hers (an entirely different story).
Hi, Wow this same thing
Hi,
Wow this same thing happened to me not once but three times. My DH's BD15 had just moved in with us and we were going out of town. I was shocked when he announced that she would be left in charge of the house. We were going for my birthday weekend. But they both insisted everything would be fine. I didn't trust her because she and her friends drink and I knew she would have people over in our home. But she told her dad she wouldn't feel like it was her home if she had to leave. I mean seriously, what kids don't go stay with friends or relatives when their parents go out of town.
Well two things happened. One : she fell out with her boyfriend and had to call us late at night and worry her dad cos boyfriend wouldn't take her home. Two: it turns out her mother came to pick her up and came INSIDE our house. This is a woman who after over two years I have never even met! I felt the same as you. It's totally unacceptable.But BM's seem to feel they have the right to come into our homes just cost their kids live there. And THEY DO NOT!
That was not the end of it. DH said it should never happen again.
BUT the next time we went out of town I was again forced to leave her in charge. And this time her mum came in the house even when she wasn't there.
And then it happened again...and BM came into the house yet again. At which point i wrote her a strongly worded letter.
Each time I was forced to again leave the SD there and the house is always unlocked. So she doesn't even need a key.
It has caused me bile in my throat and deep resentment of both DH and SD because I had no choice but to leave my house unprotected and open to constant violation.
To this day he insists that he could not allow his BD to feel like it was not her home. But that is just such BS.
Opinions?
Whoah! That is crazy! If you
Whoah! That is crazy! If you really wanted to, you could potentially press charges for breaking and entering, since your husband did not know that she still kept the key. You mentioned changing the locks, but you may also want to have your husband tell her that if she does that again, you'll get a restraining order. She's his EX wife, which means she can't just enter his home without permission. Way out of line! We haven't even given BM our new address, because I do not trust her (although I'm 99% positive she made the kids show her where our house is). I don't plan to give my SSs keys or a key code to our house, because one of them is just like his mother and I won't trust him to have unsupervised access to our house, either. That may seem heartless or terrible on my part, but BM has "borderline tendencies" and is super bitter at DH (even though she was the one who wanted the divorce), so I wouldn't put it past her to do something crazy.
stepmom1414 -I absolutely
stepmom1414 -I absolutely agree with all the posts. She had no business going into your home with no approval from you or DH. And a criminal charge could have been warranted. I really believe she feels threatened by the life you are creating for you and DH and that to me was a sign of her assertiveness to still be in the picture. BM is extremely insecure. Whether it's about the love that DH will have for your child vs your SD, who knows. Obviously there is something as she over-stepped boundaries here and she is fully aware of it. Very happy you changed the locks, BM's tend to feel like houses they once lived in still are their's and that is just jealousy. I think you said you and DH are moving from that home? I think that is a great idea. Not only will you feel like your new home is truly your's and DH's and the family you are having, she won't be able to have that power over you anymore that she had once lived there. Bless you!! Ps.. plant a lot of tulips are your new home! tee hee
dreamingbig - Regardless of the situation a BM should not be allowed in your home unless you are in total acceptance of it. It's all about the relationship that has been created between the two of you, even if a child is living in the home! What is it with these BM's that feel like they can just step-over healthy boundaries? They certainly wouldn't want SM's to intrude into their homes, right? Then you would definitely see a police car outside the house if your did that! Your SD is 15 so she should be able to coordinate times when you or your DH are home when the BM can come get your SD where the BM "waits in the car" for her!
possession of a key implies
possession of a key implies that person has a right to the premises.
in no way should ex wife have a key.
change the locks.
it infuriated me when dh gave sd her key back when she was kicked out of the house. he did this without asking me.