Expectations of Children
Hello all, this is my first post on here. Been with my boyfriend for a year now, we do not live together, and him and the BM have joint custody. However, the children are who I wanted to get some info on, thanks!
My boyfriend has two girls, a 2 year old (about to be 3) and a 4.5 year old. The BM babies the 2 year old and lets the 4.5 year old do whatever she wants. My bf does discipline his children, but for the oldest, let’s her get away with far more. My bf does not have the best patience in the world and his oldest daughter knows it. When she does not want to do something, she cries and has a meltdown knowing that daddy will most likely give in and just do it, to get her to stop. Finally, I think he reached his breaking point and is not giving into her, regarding dressing her, taking off her pull up in the morning, etc. I had told him that she is almost 5 and needs to be doing these things on her own or he is just hurting her in the long run, by not teaching her to be independent. She stood in the living room for almost 10 minutes crying because she did not want to take off her pull up or dress herself. I was very proud of bf for not giving in and telling her she had to do it herself, which she ended up doing.
The struggle now is, sometimes now because he expects the almost 5 year old to do certain things, he then sometimes expects it of the almost 3 year old. There is a two year age gap and maybe I am expecting too much of the almost 5 year old, but I think next is time to start learning to brush her own hair at bedtime and start learning to wash herself in the bath (with my bfs help when needed and always supervision). I have no children of my own, but I am the oldest sibling and cousin, have helped with/babysat, etc. all of them at one point or another and I don’t remember any of my siblings or cousins being so dependent. Sometimes I am able to motivate the almost 5 year old by telling her I will beat her doing something and she will want to “win” so she does it or have to play some kind of game.
A huge difference is we know the BM just started making the older child sleep in her own bed at her house, when she always has slept in her own bed at my bfs. Since this has changed, she has so far not gotten up once crying in the middle of the night, which used to happen almost every night and at least once if not more times a night. Meanwhile, the almost 3 year old, never gets up in the middle of the night, listens to directions and does what she is told, etc. Thank goodness the older one’s birthday is in November because she is in no way ready to go to kindergarten this year. She also talks about blood, airbags, dying, etc. a lot, which has been a concern the last year, but has not been as prevalently talked about for the last three months. Anyone with any input or advice would be helpful. Yes I understand the children have a BM and I am not their mother, but to me seems she is holding them back from growing up. Yes, I think my bf has also been doing the same, but not to such an extent.
I think your expectations are
I think your expectations are suitable and you are teaching her how to fulfill the expectation, which is key. It sounds like your boyfriend is willing to take your opinions/advice and jointly enforce rules/expectations. Expectations are great for kids because it helps build self esteem, it means you think highly of your skids and helps them reach their full potential.
How often are the kids with you guys? It sounds like you are on the right path. BM's are such a ... difficult.. topic. If they were not co parenting before you met, then I would take on the concept of "this is what is expected while at our house," so the kids know. There are xyz rules at dad's house. I do agree that a 3yo and a 5yo shouldn't be held to the same expectations at the same time. A 3 yo is fully capable of taking off her own pull up, though. A 3 yo on the other hand is probably not capable of like tying her shoes yet or brushing her hair well enough to do it alone yet, while a 5yo is. (All my opinion, I am no expert, just a mom).
Definitely helpful to hear from a mom!
Yes, he is definitely willing to discuss and sometimes he does flat out ask my opinion, especially when something new arises. Lately we have been trying to encourage her, by calling her a big girl or something along those lines to help ease the transition when we expect her to do something on her own that hadn't been expected before.
The children are with us 66% of the time, so they spend majority of their time with us. She is high conflict, they have always had opposite parenting styles, so it is more parallel parenting style than co-parenting. I think we need to definitely work on emphasizing there are different rules at the different houses. The reason we rarely say that is because she doesn't say "mom lets me do xyz" her response more is either a meltdown or "I don't want to" haha. Have not tried to teach her to tie her shoes yet, but we have talked about possibly getting her a book that helps you learn to tie your shoes, so far all her shoes do not have laces, but I think the next pair should!
The good news is, I think we finally got to the stage where my bf is being less defensive of when I suggest perhaps we push the children to be more independent, that he realizes I am not attacking his parenting, but more so am talking about how we can help the children grow, especially when the BM does not seem to be doing much to encourage independence.
I am no expert either! That is why I am looking for some momma's advice or step momma's who have helped/been there during the raising of young children.
You sound like you are on the
You sound like you are on the right track. Tying shoes is just something that came to mind... Our schools require it by K here lol. But I think you are doing a great job, it is so important to teach kids how to fulfill the expectation first and you are offering that- you are even making it fun.
Her melt downs are a whole new game.. if they are often (aka every time she doesn't get her way), I would suggest time out. I know ignoring is the most common advice, which works if it's occasional.. but if it's so bad that it is every time, I would discipline. That drives me bonkers. Luckily, my daughter (5) who is the youngest of 3 never tried me on this one. My middle child
did though when he was little! I would explain, like you are already doing, we do not cry and throw tantrums when we don't get our way- or when I say something you don't like- then if he still did, TIME OUT! If they know the expectation/rule, they have no excuses ;).
You sound like an awesome s-mom! I know it is hard! <3
We did look up what is expected in VA
for Kindergarton, just so in the next year we can start making sure she knows what she needs to know or so we can teach her what she doesn't know yet. I was suprised I did not see that on the list of expectations actually.
What is kind of interesting is she has more meltdowns when I am not around if I am out of town or doing something else, but I do not discpline her. I have sat her in time out when my bf wasn't home and I will tell her not to do things when he is around, but as we are not married, he is in charge of discpline. Time outs are great when we are at his house, haha, she absolutely hates them. However, she will be good after them, so they are effective when we can carry out a time out. In public is a whole different issue, which involves going to the bathroom with dad until the child can calm down and behave. The biggest problem is, my bf has told me a few times that the BM will just give her whatever she wants and let's her do whatever she wants. So she hates how we use the word "no." One thing we have disagreed on, is my bf does not always explain, why it is "no" or whatever, but he told me the other day the next time he will because I pointed out to him she is old enough to understand and needs to be told why he is denying whatever it is she wants.
Well sounds like you have your hands full, but that you got through it! Will definitely be working on making sure it is always the same expectation, so hopefully it helps cut out the tantrums.
Thank you! <3 You sound like a great mom!
I don't think you're being
I don't think you're being unrealistic, but they are both still very young.
I have a 3.5 year old. She is able to get herself undressed, but not fully dressed (she can put on her underwear and pants but sometimes they will be backwards lol, she cannot put her shirt on yet, she CAN put socks and shoes on). I wash her in the bath (she will wash her body with a washcloth but I do her hair). She "can" brush her hair but I definitely still need to go over it for her. She can also brush her own teeth but sometimes I will go over them just to make sure they are thoroughly cleaned.
Is the 4.5 year old wetting the pull up overnight? That sounds a little old to not be potty trained but I'm not judging, I know all kids are different.
Their dad definitely can't expect them to be at the same level. 2 years is a pretty big difference when they are still that young.
I think having the almost 4.5 year old brush her own hair and wash herself is very reasonable.
I agree they are young
which is why I was hoping I wasn't over here expecting too much of them for their age. Where you are at with your 3.5 year old is where I want us to be with the younger one when she is at that age. Currently, still working on the almost 3 year old to be potty trained, between day care, my bfs house, and BMs house, it has been hard for her to be consistent with the potty since I think everywhere has different expectations. My bf has brought it up to BM and she is quick to shut it down saying she is potty training her and then go off about bs.
The 4.5 year old has been wetting the pull up overnight since I have known her, last few nights though she has not. I told my bf we should get a cover for the mattress and start seeing how she holds up without a pull up overnight. Haven't really discussed too much about it though.
I think next bath time I may suggest since the children get baths together, that my bf encourages the 4.5 year old to start learning to wash herself. At this moment he does her hair and everything in the bath and while yes, I think he should be bathing the almost 3 year old, he needs to stop doing everything he does for the younger one for the older one too.
Thanks for the insight on your daughter, definitely helps! Currently none of my friends have children at that age yet, so I don't have anything to compare to, plus as we all know this is a different situation anyway, haha!
You're very welcome. I know
You're very welcome. I know they are all different but just wanted to give you an idea! It definitely sounds like you're doing a great job with them.
My boyfriend still washes his
My boyfriend still washes his 6 year old's hair last I checked. I think it's completely ridiculous. He brushes her hair sometimes too. I always made her do it when I used to watch her. She still has accidents at least a couple of times a month. I don't think the girl pours her own cereal either or empties lunch box. I don't know perhaps I too have high expectations of children or just people in general. You seem to have a lot of patience. Good for you!! I used to get really mad at my boyfriend when I lived with him. I couldn't deal with how things were run and dealt with regarding the household and kids. It's good that you're not moving in yet. I would wait until you see your boyfriend consistently trying to improve with the girls for an extended period of time and make sure he continues to stay open to your thoughts,feelings and needs.
I mean I understand the sometimes
brushing her hair, when I was young my grandmother when she watched me would brush my hair and I loved it. My mom on the other hand got fed up around either 5 or 6 that I refused to brush my hair, she kept warning me and warning me that if I did not brush it she would cut it short, well guess what? I did not listen and she cut my long hair to my shoulders and I hated it. So yes, I think around 5 - 6, definitely should be brushing their own hair, but understand the want every once and a while for someone you love to do it.
I have learned more patience with them than I have had before, still trying to be a little more patient on certain aspects, but thank you!
Yes, I have read some of your posts, so definitely agree on that advice! While I spend 5 - 6 days/nights with my boyfriend, it is nice that I can go to my place if I want to and that we have at least 1 - 2 days/nights a week on our own. Although since January I have had to travel so much with work, friends and family obligations, we have been getting more than that sometimes, but I think it is healthy.
I hope things are better now that you've taken your stand on what you need/want!
I understand. I used to love
I understand. I used to love when my friends did my hair or my babysitter who was also a hair dresser. I used to do his his daughter's hair every time she was with him before school. I would tell her to brush her own hair first to teach her responsibility and get her in the habit or learning to take care of herself. That's great that you enjoy being there so much with him and the kids. I like space lol so I felt like I was suffering plus I was watching his 3.5 year old all day. It sounds like you guys are in a good place and continuing to move in a positive direction. Yes! I'm feeling much better these days
Oh! I like that idea
having her brush her hair, but then having me do her hair. That is a very good suggestion! This is the first man I actually want to be around that much, usually I want my own space too! But I seem to not get sick of him or the kids (their behavior at times, yes lol).
Luckily, I can count on one hand the amount of times I have watched them by myself. Every time I offered and varies from 45 minutes to a couple hours, but he doesn’t expect me to watch them or really do anything for them. Everything I do is because I want to. That has really helped our relationship! Plus, one of his buddies had said before to him “can’t (my name) watch the kids” and he told them off and said how no she can’t, she’s busy and I would never ask her to, they are my responsibility, not hers.” So that really showed me a lot and I was very grateful for that.
Oh awesome! His daughter
Oh awesome! His daughter seemed to like it and she always went to school looking cute :). That's so sweet! You seem like a really nice person.o actually really liked my boyfriend's kids at first. I felt a special connection to them and I used to want to do things for them but then he expected me to drive them home an hour each way for 2 years and as of this year watch them while he was at work and cook for 6 kids every other weekend and I was too afraid to stand up for myself and it kind of ruined my relationship with all of them. Your boyfriend clearly respects and values you. I get why you would want to get involved and help him and the kids out.