Extremely Hurt/Sad
It's always been a rollercoaster with my Skids, and I've always had the most trouble with SD15, but last night, I was very hurt by SS13's words. Everyone is working/schooling from home this week due to Covid - so everyone is in their own room/space to do their work during the day. I did not see either child until after work/before supper. Said hello to SD and she replies and says hello. Great - she seems to be in a good mood today. SS comes out for supper, I say hello, and silence. So his father says did you hear her? He responds yes. His father asked, are you going to say hi back. SS, no, why do I have to. So his father sayd because that's what you do when someone speaks to you. SS still nothing. So his father said okay you're not eating supper with us if you're going to be like that. So SS stomps to his room. His father went in to talk to him after - I did ask that he not bring up specifically that he needs to respond to me, but that just in general if someone speaks to you, you respond - I don't want these types of communications to focus on me, mainly because I know it's going to turn into a fight/screaming match. And it's basic curtosy to just respond to someone! That is how the conversation started - asking if something was wrong as he didn respond. It turned into SS saying that he already saw me today (he didn't), and that he was "having a bad day". Then it turned into SS saying I wasn't part of the family (been together 8 years and living together for 7) and that I'm not nice to them. I'm appalled and hurt. I've tried so hard to connect with these kids and have helped out in many ways to get them places that they need to go, and I'm seen as a nobody. I've been nothing but nice to these kids, but after hearing all that last night, I'm at a loss.
Try not to feel bad
SS sounds like he's having a teen mood day. No excuse but that's what it sounds like. The good news is that your DH is handling it very well. It's hard when we do so much and try so hard to realize our feelings are not reciprocated. You sound like a sensitive and caring person. Take deep breaths. You're not doing anything wrong. Good luck.
thank you for your words.
thank you for your words.
Skids enjoy knowing they hurt
Skids enjoy knowing they hurt you. He will be disappointed when you disengage. Then he won't have opportunity to shun you.
Avoid him as much as possible.
certainly doing this today!
certainly doing this today!
Disengagement will save you
After re-reading through your previous posts, and also my long comment, I really think that you need to read the comments again. Disengagement has been reccomended.
That being said, what your SS is doing is called "shunning" and its a power play move. 13 is when they start testing boundaries - I noticed this was when SD15 started becomming more argumentative. Good for your partner in calling SS out on it and giving repercussions to his actions. He needs to keep doing that each and every time.
Meanwhile disengage more.
I certainly think you are
I certainly think you are right on that. It's going to be a difficult conversation to have with my boyfriend, as he wants me to be involved in their lives, But I truly cannot do this anymore.
Also, I've taken steps to get myself to a psychologist to help deal with this as well as some other personal things. Perhaps she can help me navigate the process with disengaging. Your response is helpful - thank you!
HUN
Take the advice on disengagement. What a rude lil prick aint he? Alrighty going forward you know how he feels. Give what you get . Other than providing a safe environment, food, you got nothing for this lil prick. Im hoping he apologizes to DH for being so callous in his words about you. If he thinks you are mean, well give him what you get. Silence, until HE comes around.
Isnt it sad that the people who lead us to therapy are the ones who need it the most.
Blessings and I sure hope school opens up so the lil shit can be shitty elsewhere. Not your kid, thank gawd, not your problemo.
So, show the ill behaved little shit what not nice looks like
Then when he is quivering in misery, ask him if he now understands why being polite is important and ask him how lying about you not being nice has worked out for him.
You're being way too nice
This is YOUR house, YOUR kitchen, YOUR hallway, YOUR door. Don't forget that. Time to demand respect, not go into silent mode. Time for a reminder YOU are the adult and he is the child and he will respect you or he can spend 100% of his time there, in his room.
I can guarentee if you start acting like a boss, who runs that house and owns that house and takes no shit, he'll change his tune quickly. Kids like to push boundaries at that age. Let him know if he pushes, you're going to push ten times harder and once he sees a display of that from you, he'll shape up.
Don't cower, I have a feeling that's what you're doing. Stand up and be a bitch if you need to. He was dick, time for you to mirror that sentiment.
My suggestion
One of the things I did early on was leave ALL of the responsibilities of raising the kids on DH. Anything they need, your SO needs to handle it. They need a ride somewhere? DH needs to take them. If he isn't available then BM needs to handle it. It was so good for my mental health to disengage like that. Sounds like you could benefit from the same. If skids don't consider you part of their family then allow their family to take care of them. I know it may sound petty but it absolutely helps and you won't feel so used and abused.
Disengagement is the key. I
Disengagement is the key. I stopped a long time ago doing nice things for ungrateful people. If they don't eat what I am cooking for everyone else, then my DH cooks it. I don't cater to people that aren't nice.