Feedback
DH and I are dealing with a visitation quandry. SS16 lives with us full time -His mother does not have custody of him (he used to be EOW-since 4 yrs old) however his mom had personal issues and he has never really been close to her (DH is busy running around being both parents to this kid, tripping guiltily along the way)-
SS16 and Bio-Mom have a visitation arrangement that they have come up with-and I quote "If Zippy doesn't have plans (Zippy has no life or friends so does not have plans) he can go over to Bio-Mom's house every other weekend"-Zippy has to make all the arrangements-she does nothing but pick up or drop off one way-
Our problem is that we ask Zippy to make his arrangements by Wednesday so we can make our plans for the weekend (that never happens and guilt Dad does not follow up)-we usually find out Friday night IF he is going - ever since this arrangement Zippy is not interested in seeing his mother and I am tired of fighting with DH over this issue-
I believe their relationship is what it is and if he wants to drop his mother like a hot potato and put his head in the sand concerning her existence, at 16 it is HIS decision (I LOVE THE BREAK BUT SACRIFICE MUST BE MADE)
DH is torn between forcing Zippy to see his mother every other weekend or just letting the natural relationship (whatever that is or isn't- happen)
Zippy has no life outside the house so it is one of our breaks (believe me we have tried-can lead a horse to water...)
Thoughts? Ideas?
Maybe helping him
Maybe helping him to come up with a visitation schedule, just as if he were younger. I know that you would rather not be involved to that extent, but its a start.
We do the schedule in advance so that everyone is aware of who is where, with whom and when. It is posted on the fridge so that everyone can see it. BM has a copy as well. Granted BM does not follow the schedule to a "T," but something is better than nothing. It is also easier for DH and I to make plans. We used to allow open visitation and it became a nightmare. BM would not communicate with us so we only found out that she was getting the kids a couple of hours before she arrived or once she was on the way. Things were too complicated so we went back to EOW court ordered visitation. We drew up a schedule and kept everyone informed. There is room for changes as things do come up, but for the most part we try very hard to follow the schedule as BM is not cooperative in most things. So, DH and I get moments of respite here and there.
Step Mother's Motto this week is:
You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.
So
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
You think he should definitely be seeing his Mom at 16 (like pulling teeth to get him to comply) when, if left to his own devices, he would not even call her (we put it to the test-took him 4 weeks -when asked "Duh, I forgot"-how do you forget your mother)? It is such a pain to deal with every other weekend, as you can tell he does not want to go. She is not bad to him (au contraire-he is her whittle man!)-he just finds her weird (I see the genetics at play here-Ha!)
In all truthfulness
In all truthfulness, ours does not want to go either. But that is the relationship that she built with them. If she is spending money, they want to go. Otherwise, please they would rather stay home and play with friends. As far as calling, they will call when it is nearing report cards because she pays them for good grades. In fact, she pays them for good anything, so they will call her just to confirm and add up the dollars for their latest accomplishment. So, you think that is not normal for 16, well mine are stb12 and 13. They only want to be involved when there is something in it for them. I have tried to talk to them and explain that they should call or want to visit when there is no money on the table, just because, but do they? NOPE! I don't worry myself about it anymore because that is the situation that she created. Not my problem.
Step Mother's Motto this week is:
You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.
True
That is the relationship THEY are creating-think I just have to let it go with DH-(he thinks he should see his Mom)-you cannot force two people to have a relationship if they do not want one and EOW is a big stress (Did-Zippy call Mom or not-what are the weekend plans?)
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
BM Enjoys
The fact that we can never count on her re visitation(various excuses de jour-bedbugs to nervous breakdowns) and DH did ALL the driving for the past 12 of Zippy's 16 years (she was rather spoiled that way by DH) she held Zippy hostage when she had joint custody.
Now that we have custody- if she is not a Mom on paper then she is not a Mom-soooo -Miss Rules and Regs when Zippy and DH were at her whim-is now--"whatever Zippy wants re-visitation or anything else for that matter-Zippy gets-the lovely Open Door Policy.
Once DH tried to get her on board re Zippy and a homework issue-as Zippy was going to her house-she looked at DH point blank and said this is not a "Zippy tear down session" imagine making him complete homework!
My jaw dropped as in joint custody you should have heard that whip crack re Zippy and rules on her end-we would get calls EVERY DAY when she had him -accusing DH of not backing her up parenting, changing drop off and pick up times,changing weekends, 2 hour sessions about Zippy on the phone, can you buy him this?, can you get him that? (meanwhile she lived in a five bedroom house with her now deceased significant other!)-
I am getting Zippy to the nearest drivers education as soon as possible-and a job-then he can see Mommy when he wants to!
BTW it is Zippy's birthday weekend-you can bet he is going to Mom's for the presents!
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
SS actual Birthday
Is November 10th-and Bio-Mom's is October 26th sooo they pick this weekend to celebrate together-which is fine.
I am puzzled as well as I raised two kids-my ex is a retired cop and gave me very little support(he lived with a judge when we split up, would have been in the courts for years if I fought him with all his connections!)-we divorced when our sons were 18 and 16-
I worked two sometimes three jobs-both my kids worked since 15 years old-there was NO entitlement-if they wanted 300.00 shoes guess what-here is my budget for your shoes-you earn the rest-
Zippy plays poor and helpless me-feel guilty about me and that works for his parents every time! He has lost Ipods, broken 400.00 ski's (Daddy fixed that yesterday!) -has an electric scooter (to the tune of hundreds of dollars that is NEVER used in the garage)his own top of the line electronic everything, best TV in the house (and still insists on watching my old one!)-the kid barely knows how to chew gum and walk at the same time-sad! I am grateful he passes in school and manages to stay out of trouble (for now).....
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!