Feeling guilty
Quick background: my BF has primary custody of his three children, girl 8 years old & twin boys 3 years old. My bf works 60 hours a week, and I stay home with the kids during the week. I do school drop offs, pick ups, homework, dinner, baths, bedtime, everything. The BM is pretty looney. One day she hates me, the next she is thanking me for being with the kids. I can't tell from one day to the next how shes going to react to me.
She sees the kids every other Sat-Sun and every Sunday. She is supposed to pick the kids up at 8 am on her Saturdays. She doesn't get done work until 5 pm, so I offered that I would just keep the kids until she gets done. I'd honestly rather them be with me than any of her flavor of the week boyfriends or whatever random babysitter she could find. Since school has started, she shows up randomly at the school. She waits in the schoolyard in the morning to see the kids before they go in, even though they are not her days. It wouldnt bother me if she was there for them and showed up consistently. But shes just there to make a show out of herself, so everyone knows shes still around. (she was out of the picture for 7 months last school year). Some days she doesnt come at all and it confuses the boys especially. It breaks my heart to see them look for her and she isn't there. Lately she has been flipping out about me dropping the kids off to school with my bf. She said the sight of me makes her uncomfortable and she cant stand to be around me. That's not my problem. I can't stand being around her either, but I deal with it for the kids. So this week she flipped out on my boyfriend and told him she doesnt want me around the kids, she doesnt want me at the school or anything. I live with them! I have no idea what sparked this sudden hatred this time. Like I said, I can't tell from one day to the next how shes going to feel about me.
So, I told my boyfriend I'm not keeping the kids for her on Saturday. I'm not good enough to be with the kids any other day of the week, or to bring them to school, but she'll let me be her babysitter? Not happening! The reason I'm feeling guilty is because the boys have their first soccer game this Saturday. I know she isn't going to be able to take them. My boyfriend can leave work for the hour for the game, but he can't stay home until 5 to wait for her to get done work. He already told her I won't be keeping the kids and she can be the one to tell them they're missing soccer since if she hadn't of flipped out on me, I would still have watched them for her. I feel soooooo guilty. I don't want the boys to miss their first game. It's eating me up that I'm doing this to them. But, I can't let her continue to try to walk all over me. I feel like at some point I have to stick up for myself. I'm not sure if I'm even sticking up for myself right now though, or just hurting the kids.
So then attend the first
So then attend the first game, tell her you realize that she may not be able to get them ready etc but at X time when the game is over you expect her to have alternate plans for the boys as you have family stuff to attend to or something like that...and that y'all need to know tomorrow where the boys are going so you can provide a change of clothes accordingly for after the game. Letting them go to their game in my eyes is not letting her win - not letting her take responsibility after that is letting her win.
We already told her that they
We already told her that they could stay with us until the game is over but she needed to pick them up by 12. She said that didn't work for her. So, she chose to pick them up at the CO pick up time of 8 am and stick them with a babysitter while she's at work. It's so frustrating to me, because she keeps trying to demand things when shes the one who walked into court and said she only wanted the kids every other weekend. She flat out told us she couldn't handle it (not to mention her drug addiction, failure to provide a stable home, etc thats another post entirely though). It just pisses me off that she doesn't want me around, but expects me to babysit for her. I did offer in the first place, but not for her to freak out 3 weeks later and start demanding I stay away from the kids. Not to mention, when the kids do come home they tell me at least a dozen times how their mommy doesn't like me. I could care less if she likes me, but I never bad mouth her to the kids. Ever. I couldn't imagine telling a child that I hate someone they love. I have an amazing relationship with all three of the kids and its killing her. Everything is about her. She doesn't care that the kids are happy, healthy and stable. A year ago they were all over the place. She had them in four different houses with 3 different boyfriends in 6 months. She has no real ground to stand on as to why I shouldn't be with them, other than it makes her uncomfortable to see me.
One more thing about her
One more thing about her telling the kids she hates me. 8yo cried hysterically to her father on Sunday night when she came home. She said, "Mommy says mean things about Ashley all the time. I don't like it. It makes me upset. I love mommy and I love you and I love Ashley. Why doesn't she like Ashley?" My bf told her that when her mom starts to say mean things to just tell her, "I'm with you now mommy why don't we just play and enjoy our time together." When he confronted BM with it, she had nothing to say other than, "I do tell them I hate Ashley because I do." When they tell me their mommy doesnt like me, I tell them thats ok, as long as they love me & that they are allowed to love both of us. I don't even know how else to approach that. I'd never tell them I hate their mother.
That is the best response -
That is the best response - BM will go through phases of trying to trash me and talk about how she doesn't like me...and I tell SS that what matter is that we are all focused on wanting to give him the best life possible. It's a really though situation BMs put us in with those comments.
Maybe your boyfriend should mention that it's not right and y'all don't down talk her so maybe she should keep it between the adults? DH has had to tell BM this many times sometimes it works for a while sometimes it doesn't.
Yeah, he told her that she
Yeah, he told her that she needs to stop it. And she just freaks out even more. I really think she has serious undiagnosed mental health issues. I wish I could explain everything to you, just so you could grasp how truly ridiculous and insane she is. That would be quite the lengthy post though.
She refuses to accept responsibility for ANY of her actions. So when my bf told her that she shouldn't be saying these things to the kids, and how upset their daughter especially was over, she just kept ranting that he stole her children, how dare him, blah, blah, blah. I've learned little to no communication unless completely necessary about the kids, is best. Unfortunately, she can't follow this guideline. He has a protection order against her too. She's not supposed to contact him about things unless necessary. He's even had to call the cops because her harassing texts about me were getting out of hand. She calmed down for about a day.
Trust me I may not know your
Trust me I may not know your BM but I deal with a crazy of my own
Just keep reassuring the kids about them and the people that love them - as they get older they will catch on.
Oh, this is just one small
Oh, this is just one small example of the shit she tries to pull. I've dealt with worse from her. This isn't running me off in anyway. I know they are only 3, they don't even remember that they have a game on Saturday. Its just me I feel so guilty. I hate that I'm letting them miss it, even if they don't know about it.
BM isn't running me off, and I'm the only girl their father has introduced them to, thank god. I just wish BM would stop bringing different men in and out of their lives. I also wish shed stop being a psycho. A girl can dream though.