Fiance has 3 baby Mothers!
hello,
So my deliema is that my fiance has 3 baby mothers... the first two are not a problem. Its the third one... She hasn't come to terms that she ruined their relationship and now that he has moved in with me... she thinks its ok for her to use his other daughters (Not her children by the way) to spy on my house after moving out of town 2 months ago. None of the children live with us and I thought the oldest daughter liked me... but apparently she doesn't and has chosen to inform her younger sisters mother of my ring before their father had a chance to tell her. So this resulted in the youngest daughter mother to inbox my fiance and say how much of a home wrecker I am and how she doesn't want her daughter around me. This has brought mixed feelings.
1. Mixed feeling on the oldest daughter... I feel as if she should not be allowed to come to the house and relay what goes on in our home.
2. Mixed feelings about the baby mother of the last child for say horrible things about me. I was hoping that we would get a chance to meet and be responsible because that is the best for her child... I don't believe in step titles and I feel since her dad is marrying me that we have a cordial relationship because I will put my all into her daughter just as much as her father will because my love for the both of them... I understand she might not know that... but I don't excuse the highschool behavior and as a grown women to go to another womens daughter and ask her to spy on my house I feel is out of order.
3. when asked how she found out about my ring... she lied and said she say a video in which I have not even announced on social media nor have I made any Videos... so she a liar as well. My fiance stated that he didn't care how she found out about it... and proceed to get angry when I spoke my peace on how there is no video... ignoring my feelings... didn't give me a game plan on what would be done and his oldest daughter proceeds to contact me on facebook as if she hasn't damaged our relationship by talking to this woman about something I feel a child had no place to discuss... I just don't know how to bring this up without looking like the bad one in the scenario... because none of these children are mine... but I refuse to have my feeling be ignored as well.
Oh hun....
Oh hun....
Ok, you aren't going to like what I am going to say here but please hear me out. I promise that I am one of the biggest cheerleaders for working things out on this site!
1- she is going to spy. She feels an aligence to BM3. She would be betraying he if she liked you. This may change over the years but probably not because she is going to be a teen/is a teen?. Teenagers are the worst.
2- this is soooooo important. Even if you dont believe on "steps" - they are real. You are not the mom, not to any of these kids. You will never have rights to them and you will spend your marriage being belittled.
3- your feelings will be ignored and you will be betrayed. Often.
4- (this one is mine) 3 BM's is a lot of...shit! For real. Are you planning on being the 4th to get knocked up by this dude? My mind is just blown over 3 BM's.
Listen to this.
Listen to this. You are starting to let the rose colored glasses slip and see some red flags. Reality is your friend. I am really sorry to say this because I am sure there are many things you love about him but there is something not right about a man who already has 3 children by 3 different women and is now engaged to a 4th. Make sure this is a very long engagement and that you have financial independence. And whatever you do, use solid birth control. You don't want to become the 4th in a line of women left holding babies.
Wow, Your SO could be my SS's
Wow, Your SO could be my SS's SpermIdiot. Four spawn by three different baby mamas. My SS-27 is his eldest and our only.
Ugh... Good luck with this adventure. It will no doubt be epic.
You are going to have to sit FDH down, give him clarity that he will keep his manipulative little crotch nuggets and their various womb donors under control or you will. And no one will like it if you have to the man in the relationship as well as the wife and SM.
See how he responds. Either way he responds, you win. He either mans up, or he gives you his balls, or he ends the relationship.
Don't forget to take care of you.
Please tell me this is a joke.
Anyone who has kids with three different people should shut it down in the dating department.
And even if they don't, no one should be willing to date them.
Yah, one baby mama is enough
Yah, one baby mama is enough drama let alone three!!!
I read your original post and
I read your original post and your profile to my bride. Her response...
"Oh my god. I would run from that man. Clearly he has no commitment."
My wife is the mother of the SpermIdiot's eldest of 4 spawn by three different baby mamas. She has lived the baby mama side of having a child with a dipshitiot of monumental proportions.
Keep in mind that three women before you have test driven this POS of a man and have found him wanting.
He is the common denominator in this toxic stew of genetic blending. Please do not pollute your own gene pool with this guy.
Take care of you. Move on.
Well actually they were piece
Well actually they were piece of shit women... I met his mother and his family... they are good people. He works he is a great father its just he didn't always pick the greatest women... i been with men in my past and they were all crappy men I just didn't have kids... women are capable of being idiots as well expecilally in urban areas... he isnt' on child support and has good relationships with the first two mothers even their boyfriends!!! Its just the 3rd one after a year later chooses to be messy and how do I process my feelings when dealing with this situation?
I get that you care about
I get that you care about this guy. Just don’t delude yourself to the point that you forget that HE is the common denominator in this genetic stew of 3 women and 4 kids.
It is rare that 3/4 of the adults in any given situation are the problem while the remaining 1/4 who is the only one with a relationship with the other three is not the main cause of common issues.
Please do yourself a favor and don’t be naive. He fathered four children with three different women. None of them married him, for whatever reasons.
.
This is a grown man who has failed to figure out the “Wrap it before you tap it” and “No glove, no love” mantra and apparently does no financially support any of his 4 children..... by three different women!
My bride was 16 when she had our son (my SS). She figured out what causes children. The Spermidiot spawned three more children with two more women, none married him, other than my son his kids are all going down a similar path to their Spermidiot. He ruined the lives of two of three baby mamas and three of four children.
We have lived this experience as a couple for 25 years. The heartbreak that the Spermidiot has caused my son and my son’s sister and two brothers plus the pollution of the lives of all the baby mamas and his own parent’s lives makes me petrified for you.
Be careful.
The first 2 probably arent an
The first 2 probably arent an issue because they're just laughing at him at this point.
I'm going to agree with the others and say run, I dont think theres any hope here, sorry.
Child support to 3 women and
Child support to 3 women and 3 sets of kids. Wow! I hope you have a great job because your fiance is really going to need your help supporting his former brood(s), especially when he's ordered to pay for college. Are you planning on having a child with this man? If so do you really think that's a good idea with his track record or will you be the one to make him change because your looove is so strong? I'd love to see the layout of his family tree and wouldn't be surprised if there were a few "surprise" children that pop up in the future.
Remember that above all, marriage is a legal agreement between a couple and the state. If you mingle finances and resources with this man you too will be then be liable for any support he is obligated to pay. It would be a good idea to do some research on how to protect yourself going forward it you choose to stay with this man.
Well in defense the first two
Well in defense the first two mothers are not upset about anything they don't bring any problems to the situation... its the 3rd one that has a problem. he is a good father and he isn't on child support for any of the children. Its just life hit him... the first baby mother was an excessive gambler who was crazy he had to leave her she was very abusive to her children throwing them in streets as infants and what not.. now they are getting older the oldest is 17 and feels the need to report on the house hold to the third baby mother but yet wants to come and ask me a lot of questions about things... I dont' know he is a great man and a great father... and he isn't the issue its the 3rd baby mother who wants to use her daughter in arguements because of what his daughter is saying to her... which I feel like my fiance should have talked to her about not his daughter... but before that can happen the daughter did...
Did you really just write
Did you really just write this man pays no child support for any of these children?
Also that he dumped the gambling mama who tossed their kids to the street and left the kids in her custody (you say none of the kids live with him) while he merrily went off to the next baby mama?
What a great man.
Well im not gonna let someone
Well im not gonna let someone who doesn't know how evil mothers in my hood are tell me that im saying the currently live with their mothers as of right now.... of course he took his daughters when they were baby's he just didn't move on to the next woman he was with her for years before it became too much now she has a new husband and her life together and No he isn't on child support he took care of his kids majority of their life the issue isn't with the older three... its with the youngest mother... but i see people just want to put their lifestyle views on me and not help me with the issue Im actually asking about.... so much help...
Any of the mothers could file
Any of the mothers could file for CS at any time.
The fact this man is onto woman/wife #4 presents
warning flags flashing RED!!. It can’t be all those 3 womens fault, there are issues with him too which he’s managed to hide from you well because you know “love trumps all” some people think.
The story he gives that luck wasn’t on his side which is why 3 relationships/marriages ended is one rarely to be believed
now as a stepmum of almost 5 years, you cannot control skids/exwives etc. You can control only yourself, how you respond to things.
In my case 2sds are spies for bio mum, report to her what we did, where we went, shows pics of my kids which sds had no permission to take and show to bio mum.
Now we can tell sd’s when they are with us that they reapect our quality family time and we do not ever want to hear about bio mum/step dad etc. To not report about us to their mum and tell us her commentary or that she told her mum and stepdad everything. My skids have no respect for our privacy so my response is to not attend any meets with skids or family events they will be present at because they have nada to report to bio mum
in my case exwife bragged how in demand she was that she could have any man and is so happy with life. Reall!! If that were the case you wouldn’t have your kids, hubbys in laws report to you everything about us even friends at hubbies work report to her everytime i am pregnant and give birth etc...
people who meddle to this extent are not happy in their lives period as they are all about causing issues in other peoples lives...
that said how your fiance responds and addresses this issue speaks volumes on how he will address issues during your marriage. Currently he has basically told you to “Eat Shit! Rub shit all over yoy!” (Metaphorically speaking of course). He has told you he will do nada and you just have to shut up and take it... thats a big issue that things will get worser and lets face it, we will only take so much before telling others to get stuffed!!
I.Just.Can't.even with this
I.Just.Can't.even with this
I'm just so sorry.. If a friend of mine told me that they were going to marry someone with THREE exes and at least 3 kids from a former relationship?
I would tell her to get to a therapist to find out why she wants to sign up for a lifetime of pain and despair.
Believe me, that last one is just the most high conflict. You can and will have issues with the other two in time. The kids? Yep.. ALL of them will have issues at one time or another that will make you seriously doubt your sanity for getting into this relationship.
This guy must have a ton of faults if he hasn't been able to make a go of it with his 3 former baby mamas. (plus who knows how many other ladies that didn't breed).
Well thats kind of
Well thats kind of judgemental... people have kids now a days sometimes multiple women in my community... I have known this man for some years before we even got together we were friends. I watched the last relationship he was in and I tell you he gave his all. Even wanted to marry her to be a family the woman was irrisponsible on so many accounts... stealing time from work and getting fired even being on drugs in the past. He helped her kick that habit to be a better mom and instead of creating a life with her family she instead choses to sit on her butt and not do anything at all... we might even have to house her daughter if she doesn't get it together... Im just tryign to figure out as a new step mom when things like this arise what to do... to you know not be the one they use to keep their kids from their father...
"we might even have to house
"we might even have to house her daughter if she doesn't get it together"
I'm not trying to nitpick but please remember that this is his daughter too and that housing her is part of his responsibilities - he's not doing his ex a favour if he takes the girl in.
Its not about doing her
Its not about doing her favors... Of course we are prepared to house her full time he doesn't want to just remove her from her mother full time but she needs to also be taking care of her and no she is not my daughter but I love her because I love her father the issue everyone seem to fail to answer is how do I as a step mother deal and manuver when the childs mother is out of line with me... this is nothing to do with his credibility as a father (trust me if he was a bad neglectful one I wouldn't be with him) Im say its difficult dealing with one baby mother but to deal with three what if all of them decide to cause drama... He can only talk to them he can't control what they do and how they do it... so how should I conduct myself because getting rowdy and ghetto will only add fuel to the fire and this is the mother of his children not some random Ex I can't just beat them up I have to repect the children as well...
Judging isn't a bad thing.
Judging isn't a bad thing. You absolutely should judge every person and situation unless of course you want to potentially put yourself in a bad situation. I'm sorry to tell you, but someone who has children with three women all of whom are still minors is not a person of sound mind. He isn't capable of creating a stable environment for his children. Don't you think that says something about him? Why would a person play musical procreation partners? I would think they have some serious personality flaws. My boyfriend has kids with two women and 6 children who are all very close in age. You bet I judge that. I will keep observing and watching to make sure it is a good environment for me to be in. Sometimes people make stupid choices in their past and yes maybe they even learn from them, but even so do you want to suffer for their poor choices for years to come?
the last daughter is the only
the last daughter is the only infant... she and him were already broken up when she found out she was pregnant and sleeping with the downstairs neighbor... the other children are all teenagers and in highschool so he just didn't go making little babies everywhere... but that isn't the issue... I don't care he has four children... what I care about is maintaining the relationship when im not the mother of the children and as a NEW step mom IM asking on how Others deal with baby momma/daddy drama when the step mother isn't at fault...
Just because lots of people
Just because lots of people in your community have multiple kids with multiple partners.. doesn't mean that is the smartest way to be a successful person. It doesn't mean that these children are much more likely to be destined to lead lives that repeat this cycle.
You KNOW that having three ex GF with children with them is a problem. If these kids are minors... he should be contributing to 50% of their care and maintenance... either in kind (as in 50% custody).. or financially. If he isn't.. he isn't a "great dad". You may find that judgemental because you love him.. but great dads support their minor children.
It is also 3 former partners that all may at one time or another have a problem with you and how you might interact with their children.
Most of us have indicated that this guy is a caution flag. To be honest, based on your description of his Exes.. I would wonder how I fit in with that crew. That you would likely be better off looking for a partner without so much baggage.
But, if you are bound and determined to stay with him... then you will likely experience a lot of regret, heartache and financial constraints. This isn't being mean.. it's just that it generally comes with the territory. He has a lot of people that want a piece of him. They will compete with you for that. You can try to assert yourself in the home.. but you may be thanked with surly teens and rebellious actions. You may get the Exes calling you and telling you to leave their kids alone. Your BF may stick you with childcare. This stuff can and does happen in situations like yours. You can protect your finances by not joining with his finances.
You can stay out of dealings with his Exes.. he made babies with them.. so HE needs to deal with them. It's not your responsibility.
But keep your eyes open..
Just keep your head out of
Just keep your head out of the clouds and take care of you.
The red flags with this guy, his 4 children and three baby mamas are nearly infinite.
The best indicator of future performance is past behavior. His past behavior does not predict a rosy future for any relationship he is in.
SO and I have both been
SO and I have both been divorced. If there’s one thing I learned it’s that BOTH parties are at fault. The fact that your guy has already been through this at least 3 times means he hasn’t learned how he’s adding to the situation. This makes it very likely he’ll do the same again.
Basically you need to stop blaming the woman. You’ve already pointed out that you and this man don’t see eye to eye on things. You’re concerned about the way BM found out about the ring and he doesn’t care. Both of you are right in this case but you aren’t on the same page. What will you do when this sort of thing continues to happen and he continues to not care?
You’re asking how to bring it up since none of the children are yours but you don’t want your feelings to be ignored. He IS ignoring you. You’re excusing him and trying to work your way around it. You need to realize that this might be part of the reason he has atleast 3 different children with 3 different women.
So then how do I start the
So then how do I start the conversation.. because the goal is to talk to him and move towards problem sovling that doesn't effect our relationship regardless of what happens... if every thought to let someone go the mintue an issue arise no one would be with anyone.... We don't argue and fight and on a regular we have a great home life... but when the kids come around I don't want them thinking its ok to disrespect me and do messy things and thats in general. Our home is a peaceful one and if they want to be here or even live here then as a family everyone has to work towards that peace... Before in the dating stage they were not always around and now that we live together his children now live with us part time and now I have to be a step mom doing hair and make - up with the older ones and play dates and what not with the young ones (Which I love i can't have children so it does feel good to have them there) But when the youngest mother causing the drama I never had to deal with this before and thats what bothers me... The first two baby mothers are find we are all cordial they have husbands who talk to my fiance and dont' have trouble or problems and even have other children with the girls mother... but that third on is i feel like gonna be an issue
Kids and X’s will always
Kids and X’s will always effect your relationship. They effect every relationship.
The question is goes your partner put you first ... always.
The only way this situation can possibly reach the success of a lifetime relationship between you and this excessively breeding/partnered man is if you both are committed equity life partners to each other who prioritize each other and the relationship above all else including any children in the mix, This also makes you both equity parents to any children in the mix regardless of kid biology. You are an equity parent to all four of his children when they are in your home. The BM's are not and do not matter. Period. The BM's get no say in anything in your relationship or in your home. Even when it applies to their respective children.
If your SO is not immediately and constantly on board with this, the relationship and your future with this man are doomed.
The BMs and SKids will always impact your relationship. But the commitment can overcome that impact. It is not likely, but it is possible. Remotely possible. Extremely remotely possible.
You don’t seem to understand
You don’t seem to understand that what you’re asking for is most likely impossible. “problem solving that doesn’t effect our relationship”. He doesn’t care and you do. Either one of you concedes or you come to an agreement. Either way it will impact your relationship. You’re still making excuses and I’m not telling you to leave him. I’m saying stop blaming everyone else and focus on your home and him.
Yes there third is going to be an issue. You won’t change her. The only thing you can control is you. In our home I deal with BM a lot but it wasn’t that way at the start and it’s not always that way. If there are issues SO does it. It’s his ex and his job. He respects what I say and feel. Yours doesn’t. You said it yourself. He doesn’t care about the same things. Unless you get him on the same page you will be constantly butting heads.
You talk to him by being an adult and realizing the problems are in your home and not outside of it. Stop making the excuse that BM is the issue. That everyone else is fine. That it’s great except……… If there are problems face them head on and understand that they might not get fixed so you need to know how you will handle it then.
You have to wonder why your
You have to wonder why your fiancee continued to "pick" and have children with these crappy women time & time again? This is something he needs to reflect on so he can stop the dysfunctional cycle. If you still want to stay with him regardless of all the drama you should consider disengaging from the kids. By that I mean be cordial say hi and do not do ANYTHING for them, don't even engage in conversation or extend yourself one bit. Remove yourself from having a relationship with them and focus on your fiancee and see how that works out.
Thank you for this advice...
Thank you for this advice... I was thinking and hoping that I would be able to be involved in the childrens lives seeing as I can't have any children and the way the girls have all clung on to me I thought things were ok... its just the oldest who is 17 being used by the youngest mother ( who aparently is acting like a highschool student) I feel some type of way about... I mean I can disengage... but will that help and is that normal to do when they are regularlly coming over... It seems like they are gonna want to talk to me and Im not sure about how to keep from not resenting them... especially since it has cause drama between my fiance and the youngest mother who now doesn't want to send her daughter over because im there... even though I have to let him handle it... it still doesn't feel good to be used as the blame of why he can't see his daughter either and I don't want that creating a resent me towards me (even though he says it doesn't... I have seen it happen and thats whats worrying me... that he he has to battle with her and deal with more stress because she knows they wont be getting back together after a year of already not being in a relationship.... I guess in the beginning she didn't really care until she realized I wasn't going anywhere and now she is upset wanting to get him back)
He can get a court order
that allows him to see his child. But that would mean paying child support.
As far as the 17 year old....she has had two other "stepmothers" in her short life and you said he was with the last one for years. She isn't going to be on your "side" because in the end, she knows her dad's relationships are temporary. You are fun to be around. More like a girlfriend than a stepmom. She is probably dealing with own issues and doesn't know who she can trust or who to bond with. Her dad hasn't exactly made that a priority in his life.
it still doesn't feel good to
*