Financial Crisis - Who do you give your last dollar to? Your wife or your ex?
At the age of 16 years old I knew I never wanted a man with a child. When I met my husband, he had no children which was a plus. Of course we started off as friends but before we actually got into a serious relationship, he slept with one of his "friends"...and...of course, she got pregnant. However, my husband was told that he could not have any children with some medical issues he faced plus she slept with three men around the same time and was unsure who was the father. So based on what the doctor told him (without even doing a DNA test to confirm if this child was some sort of a miracle), I got into a relationship with him.
Fast forward to 11 years later...we had three children...he never did a DNA test for the little girl and right now we a facing financial difficulties. I lost my job, so having a loan, a credit card, items on hire purchase amongst other bills to pay, life has been hard this year. We didnt pay our son's school fees for two months, I am late on my loan, the furniture company on the brink of repossessing their items so he gave me some funds to help with the bills (well i had to choose which one I wanted to pay). Anyway, my parents noticed we weren't sending our son to school and after I told them they decided to help with one month of our son's school fees. So they decided to give us the difference of what we needed to pay for the school fees.
Early that morning, after we planned to send our son to school, he got a message from his daughter's mother advising of a book sale that was going to take place on that same day...she is now going to high school. He didn't know how to ask me, and he stated an emergency arised and he would like to have back the funds he gave me. But I knew what the "emergency" was since i was using his phone to contact our son's school when the "VVIP" message arrived. Of course I told him about it and he admitted it was for his daughter and I refused to give him the funds back. My children comes first...what would I have said to my parents when they were giving us the difference to help for one month? Should I take from what I had to pay for my loan/pay for my items and give that woman for her child? I want to know if I am wrong for refusing to give him back the money. Our son's fees needed to be paid for, otherwise he might not have been able to graduate from kindergarden.
It hurt. Knowing that when I was working, I took care of our sons and now, I have to be solely dependant on him. Two of the items that I took on hire purchase was for him, and he never paid for it for over a year and it is only after I lost my job he had no choice but to help pay. I took out a living room set, dining room set and a wardrobe, just so our children can be comfortable, amongst other items I took out for him. It has been 6 months going on 7 without any income on my part and it is hard. So when I need him the most, it felt like he was taking from my son's hand to give another woman's child. He was so angry. I ended up tossing the money next to where he was sitting on the sofa. He left to go to work and left the money there.
I felt hurt knowing that we are in such a financial crisis, knowing we have so many bills to pay and he wanted his money back. What added to my heart being broken, is that he told the child's mother how i was angry and told her he left the "stinking money" for me. So she said I am very nasty. He spoke ill of me to this woman.
My life...the exact reason I never wanted a man with a child.
This doesn't sound like much
This doesn't sound like much of a marriage to me, but I also fully well know that when you marry a man with children from a previous relationship, you wil never have a traditional marriage. Nonetheless, you, as his #1 wife, need to be his priority. I don't see that here with this example. First of all, "He stated an emergency arised and he would like to have back the funds he gave me." And, "he told the child's mother how i was angry and told her he left the 'stinking money' for me." Given that, you have to ask yourself who is the primary wife here?
This is one of the many problems with being a SP that is never really addressed. You have three children of your own with DH, and DH has a child of his own with another woman. Suddenly, there is a financial crisis in your own home, You have three mouths to feed, but of course DH still needs to take care of his other daughter. Goes without saying. However, legally, through the court system, CS, all they are going to care about is that DH continue to support this daughter. What about his other three children? You and he, as husband and wife, have to figure that out on your own.
AND, that is why you need to be his #1 wife. There is no polygamy in the US; no sister wives. There is just serial monogomy, and whomever is his wife at the current time, is his wife. His ex- is his ex-. There is no way he should have asked you for that money back. He should have stated that he would come to see his daughter, but unfortunately, because of an emergency, he would not be able to purchase anything. That would have been the truth, and he would not have had to hurt anyone. And, most importantly, he wouldn't have had to deny his own wife monies that were certainly needed.
Then, to top it off, he tries to play PLOM with his ex-/ BM, making you out to be the bad guy!? This guy is sounding more and more creepy. He slept with one of his friends and probably lied about this, "my husband was told that he could not have any children with some medical issues he faced." Not only did he try to make himself out to be the victim in what was a clearly inappropriate act on his part, but he also went to the ex- with his PLOM attitude. Major, major mess up on his part.
He is acting very entitled, and I would suspect that this is and always has been one of his personality traits. He is probably OK when things are good and he is getting his way, but he is a total jerk whenever he doesn't. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. The fact that he doesn't even seem to know what he did was wrong, very wrong, is also concerning. It means he is much less likely to change.
If I were you, I would start out seeing a counselor, and there are some counselors who work on sliding fees, and go over things you have noticed not only in reference to this situation w/ your DH but in reference to other situations (your marriage, your other children). I'm suspecting your DH may have gotten away with a lot of me-first type situations over the years that he probably shouldn't have, and then now that you and he are in a financial crisis, his sour, 'it's all about me attitude' is coming to the surface big time. Once you get that sorted out, then you need to decide if you want marriage counseling for you and your DH, or if you want to make other arrangements for yourself and your children. He sounds like the type of man who won't do anythihng he doesn't want to do unless it affects him personally. So make sure he knows this is going to affect him personally, as in he may wind up dealing w/ child support for four children instead of one.
Your unemployment isn't as much the problem here anywhere near as much as your DH's me-first attitude is.
"There is no way he should
"There is no way he should have asked you for that money back."...thank you. I am glad you said that. He still does not acknowledge that, to him, not taking the money back was good enough.
You were absolutely correct
You were absolutely correct to do that. I once fell in hard times too and my husband asked me for a loan of $3000 for his child support. I agreed and gave him the money which I had borrowed from my father and asked him to repay me within 90 days
90 days came and went and he didnt have it and his response was "i dont have it so what do u want me to do?". Almost ruined my relationship with my father, but thankfully i was able to take a pay day loan with high interest. It took me a full year to pay it off and it was double the amount that i initally took. A year of stress and sleepless night while MR was enjoying his kids
After 3yrs of me complaining and crying for the money, he finally decided to repay me in the form of a car that had a similar value and i added the difference
I have sworn that I will NEVER EVER help him financially for anything for his kids or his CS ever again. He was ready to ruin my relationship with my own father just for his selfish needs and his kids
I advise u to keep ur money for you and not care about his anger. Mine also used to get angry about stuff like that, but after he crossed the line, i let him vent and pull anger and i keep.my money in my pocket for MY needs
When I am down no one is there for me, so there is no reason to help him financially support his kids