On the flip side....
How do you handle it when your bio kids treat your DH like crap? My DS15 lives with XH I hardly see him even though I have primary custody thanks to PAS. He barely acknowledges my DH when he is in the room. XH has also been trying to put a wedge between DS12 and DH. (false child abuse allegations, reminding him over and over that DH is NOT his father and he doesn't have to listen to him) DS12 has done counseling and we (DH, myself and DS12) have also gone together to try to help. Due to the conflict with SS7 there has been increasing rifts. DH loves DS12 like his own. DS15 he doesn't really know and I don't expect them to ever really become anything, but how do I help maintain this seemingly fraying relationship with DH and DS12? Am I naive to think I can?
You tell your sons My house -
You tell your sons My house - My rules.
Your sons may not like your DH, but they will respect him. He may not be their father, but they will respect him the same way you expect them to respect their teachers at school.
I feel for you... Every time
I feel for you... Every time PAS is in the picture relationships fray. I am not sure what the answer is... am dealing with a similar situation where my SK's BM hates my DH, and me too. So the skids are distant and at times very hateful towards him, condescending towards me and my kids. I am not doing much for them lately but i would like to try an intervention. One expert on that is Richard Warshak from Texas. He does an intensive session over the course of several days "deprogramming" PAS'd kids. I have no clue how much it costs but i was thrilled to find out this kind of thing exists. He also has a DVD out, Welcome Back, Pluto - that i really like. My DH will not watch it with his kids. Try it with your family? You can watch excerpts online. Google him.
How did your family counseling go? Did it help? How does your SS7 add to the conflict?
I agree! It shouldnt and
I agree! It shouldnt and doesnt matter what a childs "issues" are...it is and should be common sense that they need to RESPECT their father & whomever their father is with ESPECIALLY if they are in their father and his dw/so house!!!! Period!
I firmly believe and also tell my son and my BF that we are not always going to like/love everyone that we come into contact with, as there are also people that are not always going to like/love us either but we need to RESPECT eachothers feelings about/towards eachother whether they are good or bad and act accordingly.
I personally am not a fan of my BF's S11, BUT I do expect that my BF will teach/expect him to respect me as his partner and soon-to-be wife. If I don't like someone then I do not associate or bother with them, that is how I personally cope and deal with people that I dont like/love or want to be around to AVOID me being mean, nasty and disrespectful. To each their own lol.
My DS15 has been to my home
My DS15 has been to my home twice in three years. DS12 has referred to my DH as his dad and "more of a dad than his 'real' dad", and wishes he could change his last name, but as there are more and more problems with SS7, the more DS12 pulls away ESPECIALLY on SS7 weekends. He feels less than. I correct both my DS's when they are disrespectful, I did not raise them that way and they will not speak to an adult in that manner. I have even corrected DS12 when he refers to his father as negative things (secretly I want to say thank god you see that) but they need to understand respect and if you have a problem you discuss it without name calling or eye rolling. XH on the other hand encourages it and refers to me ever so favorably (I can't include ENOUGH sarcasm to do that justice). I know I am working on an unfair playing field. One person saying they are #$%%^&^ and #%$^ and #$%^ and myself saying different. I want DH and DS12 to keep the relationship they have had and improve upon it, but I don't know how to help.
@ Pilgrim Soul. Yes,
@ Pilgrim Soul. Yes, counseling helped a lot. There was a lot we were all dealing with and after the child abuse allegation, the air was so tense in our home you could cut it. SS7 has no respect for anyone or anything. Everything is his and time stops when he is gone. I am in his way and so is DS12, (DD7months too) we detract time and space with his dad. And he has learned manipulation and acts sweet for daddy and tries to get DS12 in trouble if DH has been talking to him or praising him or acknowledging him at all.
I guess my first sentence is
I guess my first sentence is contradicting what I was meaning. I reprimand my DS's when they are disrespectful, but is there something else that I can do to help?
One thing that has bothered
One thing that has bothered me since getting with DH is how the skids treat him. They treat him like he helped give birth to them so he could serve them, they yell at him, they order him around (so maddening) - basically they treat him as BM treated him.... So no real surprises there...
When we moved in, I made it clear to my 2 daughters that they were to respect him as an adult of this house. Its my house and his house and they are to treat him with respect. He is not a replacement father, he is a supplementary loving adult in their lives like an uncle, grandparent type and along with that comes respect.
It started off great. Then little by little their respect dropped. I am not innocent, the respect dropped from them watching how the skids treated DH and over time how I lost respect for DH as a parent myself.
As time has passed, watching DH tell SD12 to pick up her shoes and for her to ignore him and just not bother, DH doesn't follow up and ends up doing it for her, my BD12 was like, how come I have to listen to him if she doesn't even listen to him??
The answer, because you are better than that? Because I said so? Because its unfair that the skids don't listen to me and I don't want that same treatment to DH from you? Those reasons only go so far.
My role in this came along where I couldn't look to DH for support of simple household rules and i refuse to allow my bios to not have rules so I had to step in - and apply the house rules to my bios, I am not able to enforce them to the skids - but I can and do enforce them to my bios. So, this ended up with DH saying, BD12 pick up your shoes, which causes BD12 to look at me for confirmation that I am 'agreeing' which SUCKS and of course I either give her 'the look' and\or say, did you not hear DH??
This of course pisses DH off - that my kids no longer really respect him - yet, his kids never did and there is noone in this house that gives them 'the look' or follows up - so at least my BDs complete the requests he gives them where the skids do not.
I do not like that my BDs have learned to 'laugh off' DH by watching the skids - but I have not been able to counter it - I have been able to maintain my own standards from me to my BDs though. That is the best I can manage, I have come to realize that DH has to respect himself before his stupid ass kids and BM will respect him, and until he does that, its on him now - I can't fix that for him, its his to fix, all I can do is ensure I make my kids compliant and meet my standards that I expect from them.
So - its up to you to enforce your level of expectations for your kids to your DH. Its not about showing DH respect - its about showing YOU their mother respect which is done by respecting your DH for you.
3FI1, I'm in the same EXACT
3FI1, I'm in the same EXACT boat as you and I agree with every single thing you said.
I even told my DD14 that she needs to respect my DH not only because he's another adult in this household, but because he IS my DH.
Ditto on how the SK's treat DH, and also treat me.... if my kids ever needed a definition of "disrespectful", all they'd have to do is open their eyes for one hour on any given weekend when the SK's are here, and they'll have their answer.
It's tough in this household to hold my kids to a higher standard, while they stand around and watch the SK's basicallyl thumb their noses at anything that even smells like a rule/expectation. Even worse when that rule/expectation directed at MY childen come from DH, when he can't even be expected to hold his kids to anything.
oh oh oh ' Even worse when
oh oh oh ' Even worse when that rule/expectation directed at MY children come from DH, when he can't even be expected to hold his kids to anything.'
THAT drives me nuts. lol - THAT is an option I TOOK from my DH when I was forced to disengage. NO WAY!! I no longer share my kids with DH. It was one of the things after I disengaged I struggled with. I was extremely resentful I was expected to share my kids with DH but he had no intentions or effort to share his kids with me. I was building so much resentment. It was like, Its his kids only, and its 'our' kids (which are not his bios). It was so one-sided. I took my kids back. I had to in order to balance the household and it made a world of difference in my own mental state.
DH is not allowed anymore to make any calls to MY children until he learns to handle his own. That is also why we will never blend. I put the brakes on that from my side when I took back my kids. I no longer treat DH like their dad of this house. And perhaps in hindsight that was a mistake I made early on, I had the expectation I would be treated like mother of this house and treated him like dad of this house.
I treat him like my husband only now.
I rarely consult him on large decisions for my kids - and only the parts that would effect this household. I no longer let him know about school events or activities that don't land on our normal times. Like if my BD8 has a 10AM school play - I don't bother him with that. If BD8 had an 8pm school play that landed on our time - then I would let him know that she did and I was planning to attend. If he chooses to come, so be it, if not, so be it. I no longer have the girls show him their report cards when they get them (I have never seen a skid one-ever), basically I now just inform vs ask on any topic around my kids. He lost all that when he made me 'just his wife' with no say where his kids are concerned.
It sounds like I am adding to the problems, I may be - but that isn't how it started, however, I see no reason that he should have it both ways, he doesn't get to be dad if he can't consider me to be mom.
From what I have seen so far, it seems to have added more peace to the house overall. But its also clearly made boundaries that we are all just living together - sure we do family events every weekend the 6 of us, but an example is, we get to the zoo lets say... SS7 will say, Dad I want an icecream. BD8\BD12 will say, Mom, can we have ice cream too? So each kid consults their bio parent only. If by some magic SS remembers I am there and makes the demand on me, I just refer him back to DH anyway - he's figured this out over time and usually goes straight to the source now. OR - my bios will say, Mom, DH said we could .... can we? so my bios will 'double check' its ok. This is the price for not blending I suppose.