For a friend - Warnings about becoming a SM

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I work with a sweet young lady who is only 28 and dating a man with 2 small children. They are talking marriage and I just cringe when I hear her stories. A year of dating and she has as many horrifying BM stories as I do after 11 years! Apparently, her BM is super psycho and I thought mine was bad. The children are young, they are only 7 and 4.

I have told her about StepTalk and that she is far from being the only one dealing with the trials of being a step parent. I also keep giving her warnings about the potential horrors of being a SM based on my personal experience. I know her experience may be different but she's already dealing with full on BM crazy so I only see it getting worse with time.

I'd like everyone who sees this post to comment on something you have learned since becoming a SM, the do's and dont's and so on. I will make sure to share them wit her. TYIA!

I will get us started.

* Keep your money separate. At least at first until you see how things are going to go.

* Be prepared for DH's family to pick BM over you. This is an effort to stay more connected to the children. My SIL and MIL have never accepted me. They miss the years with BM because they helped her raise the skids (this wasn't needed but BM sucks as a mother and neither MIL or SIL have a life of their own...sad) and that became harder to do with them living in two separate homes. They resent me for something not my fault.

* PAS is a real thing and it sucks. She never heard of it before she began working with me. It will threaten a marriage if it gets bad enough. Skids at one point had been severely PAS'd that SD cried and locked herself in her room at our house wanting her MOMMY and this was a 15 year old at the time, FFS!

Unfortunately your friend

Unfortunately your friend will have to learn the hard way just like all the rest of us love sick fools. I would tell her to keep her job, keep her finances seperate, be able to stand on her own two feet and have a back up plan if this fails. It's all too common for a woman in this situation to be expected to quit her own life, drop her dreams and become Super SM and we all know how that turns out. Also tell her that having an "ours" child will not make everyone magically blend. Get a puppy if she wants a "child" of her own

If she's already having to

If she's already having to endure and cope with a full on crazy BM she needs to know that the situation will not improve and will only intensify. If she decides to have children with BD the treatment she receives from BM, SK, and DH will also hurt her children.

No man is worth the misery she will be subjected to as a SM and second wife. No matter what sacrifices she makes on behalf of the SK and BD.. her efforts and kindness will never be appreciated.

She needs to understand that she will be entering a situation she can not win. If she is compassionate and loving toward the SK she will be perceived as a threat to BM. If she is kind, reasonable, and attempts to create a smooth path to promote the best interests of all parties involved she will be viewed as weak and taken advantage of and probably abused, lied about, and harassed for her efforts.

There will be lots of requests to forgive and forget from BD because he most likely will betray her and not protect their marriage nor stand up for her as his wife when the going gets rough. And if she's not careful she'll end up forgiving and forgetting her way into a 50 yr. marriage. And unthinkable regrets.

She can do better. She has the benefit of already peeking into what a future would look and feel like with this man and all the mess he's bringing into their relationship. That's an advantage she needs to use wisely.

She is not to watch the kids.

She is not to watch the kids. The kids have parents....let them do it.

BM will either be mad that she is trying to steal the kids from her or will tell her she is not doing enough or doing it right.

Just stay out of watching the kids completely. Wish someone had told me that eight years ago

The kids are still very young

The kids are still very young so there's AT LEAST 14 more years of crazy. Maybe the boyfriend is a great guy but is the baggage worth the grief?

I also agree that PAS is very real and we don't always understand the consequences and stress that come with a crazy ex.

I have worried myself sick with stress about DH's court dates only to be disappointed because the courts give BMs everything. I have resented SD purely for existing and questioned my marriage. I constantly get annoyed with the disruption to "our" lives and SD's rude comments/ curiosity about her parent's relationship, especially after trying so hard to make her feel comfortable in our home and loving her "as my own".

I guess I'm not really giving advice but reflecting on my step life may help.

Single, no children, just do

Single, no children, just do not do this to yourself; it is horrible-- even at best. 80% of the time studies show it does NOT work, so why would you even consider? Go for man with no kids and do not complicate your life with the inevitable misery you will be forced to endure..... You are too much of a catch to settle for this, it is horrible (80%) of the time.....

Agree. Pose the question to

Agree. Pose the question to yourself this way before getting involved. Would you get on an airplane that had an 80 percent chance of crashing?

It doesn't end at

It doesn't end at 18.

And...

IT DOESN'T END AT 18!

And it doesn't end at 50+. At

And it doesn't end at 50+.

At this point.. I'm assuming it NEVER ENDS.

Not only does it not end at

Not only does it not end at 18, it often gets worse as the skids become adults. Why -- they develop ever-more-expensive problems that cause them to ask for Daddee or Mommee support.

Examples: SD bought a house, got pregnant, and suddenly needed help with her mortgage. Daddee couldn't have a homeless GK so now pays mortgage.

OSS convicted of drunk driving - faced a big fine or jail. OSS broke because he's borderline alcoholic. Daddee paid the fine to keep him out of jail but didn't make it clear the debt was repayable. Two years later, no money back from him.

YSS moves to an expensive city and discovers he cannot afford luxury apartment to impress high maintenance GF. Calls 3x a week moaning to Daddee about his debts. He has a good salary but cannot manage lifestyle. Daddee now talking about gifting him money.

These are the type of things that will dog a marriage to any Mr. Baggage.

What I wish I knew going in,

What I wish I knew going in, and I had a great relationship with my skids: marriage will not make you family to them. Having a child will not make you family to them. They will come home, talk to the baby and completely ignore you. If BM doesn't like you it's game over.

You will be an outsider in your own home. You cannot uphold the rules. You will have to keep your mouth shut while they trash your home. And I have pretty good skids and a DH with a backbone.

If childless going in: when you have a baby you will be a new mother while
DH has been there with someone else. You will break up into 2 mini families because someone has to stay home with baby while he carts around skids/attends their sports etc. Your child will have a 50% dad because when skids are over he'll spend all his time with them (otherwise they'll complain and want to live at mom's).

Skids get worse as they get older.

I was totally unprepared for what happens after having a baby and halftime skids. My baby has a half time dad even though I didn't divorce his dad. It's hard. Not sure if I'd do it again knowing what I know now.

Everyone's comfortable with

Everyone's comfortable with SM being the scapegoat - the kids, their bio parent, your spouse, even your friends and family. Ergo, no one will stick up for you. You will feel completely misunderstood because you've tried to be fair, nice and deferential, but you're still hated. You wanna scream this to the world, but when you do, it only makes you look more irrational, which is all they'll see.

You will always take a backseat to his kids; you always feel like a third wheel, if you're lucky, and sometimes a fourth or fifth. When this hits you, you'll want to rip up your marriage certificate.

I second these two! As a SM,

I second these two! As a SM, you will always be seen as the one in the wrong. After a divorce, everyone feels bad for the kids, everyone feels bad for the BM who is now a "single mom" (especially if she is the CP), some people feel bad for the divorced dad. No one...and I mean no one...feels bad for the SM. She "knew what she was getting into when she married a man with kids" (as if both divorced parents didn't know what they were getting into when they divorced...).

"Kids are the first

"Kids are the first priority," will be thrown at you often and by just about everyone. It will be used to excuse everything from you having to do whatever SKs want to do whenever they are over, to your DH insisting you let it go when one of his kids call you a be.atch, to you literally being treated like the invisible woman at any present and future family events until the day you die. In reality, IF the kids were the first priority, bio mom and dad would never have divorced to begin with. They would have sucked it up and took it themselves, rather than divorcing, remarrying, and then expecting their spouses to suck it up and take it. You'll hear, "take the high road often," which really means you get to and are expected to be the never-ending scapegoat for someone else's divorce fallout. BM, DH and their children will all be seen as having rights, including legal rights through the divorce decree. You will be seen as and treated as having absolutely none.

DH and BM could have been married for only two years, or even not at all, while you (SM) and DH have been married for 10+ years, and SM will still be seen and treated as "the other woman." You'll go to events (weddings are the worst) where people will actually act confused over whether clearly divorced bio-mom and bio-dad (DH) should be seated together or whether DH and his wife of 10+ years (SM) should be seated together. This seemingly slight action (and others) will make it very apparent to you that society sees BM as permanent owner of your husband, just because they had children together. This is even regardless if you and your own DH have gone on to have "ours" children. It is backwards and it is nuts. In the year 2017, SMs are still thought of as literal 2nd and lesser wives.

This - so much this! "IF the

This - so much this!

"IF the kids were the first priority, bio mom and dad would never have divorced to begin with. They would have sucked it up and took it themselves, rather than divorcing, remarrying, and then expecting their spouses to suck it up and take it."

Also, so true at the first wife always being considered the "real wife". I often tell DH that I'm not his "real wife" because whenever we are at events so many friends and family members ask about BM as if she is still around...and not about BM in relation to the kids, just BM. DH and I hosted a surprise party for MIL's 70th birthday. DH invited all these family friends who had never met me. Two of them, when being told who I was, proceeded to ask me lots of questions about BM - how was she? where was she living?, etc. They were asking me, DH was nowhere to be seen. I wanted to say to one of them, "Seriously?!" and just walk away because he persisted in talking about her. After that party, I told DH I was just his "secret wife" or his "stand-in wife".

About weddings, I would add the following:

Your DH's family will either not come to your wedding or complain about having to come to your wedding. If they come to your wedding, they will not give you a gift or even a card, because they already gave him a gift...for his first wedding (his "real" wedding, in their eyes). (Some of my DH's cousins - who he claims to be really close to - didn't even RSVP to our wedding or if they RSVP'd they just checked the box "no" and didn't send any sort of well wishes, like "sorry we couldn't make it"). They will also have thoughts on how you should incorporate the stepkids into your wedding. These thoughts are not likely to reflect anything based in fact, but will be merely a way to express their disapproval, yet again. If you are not incorporating the kids enough into your wedding, you are a bad person who is trying to exclude his kids (I have a SIL who did not say one word to me, at my own wedding, but went out of her way to make sure my SSs were not left out by trying to entertain them, the entire time). If you are incorporating them too much into your wedding, then you are trying too hard. Your wedding will not feel like the wonderful, all-about-the-bride event that you imagined, but will involve you trying to juggle all of your wedding activities, while also dealing with BM and SKid drama, trying to make the kids feel special, and dealing with snark from your DH's family.

"Kids are the first priority"

"Kids are the first priority" is ALSO the reason so many children of divorce end up becoming self-centered, entitled, dysfunctional, unproductive, overly dependent human beings with a multitude of psychological, personality, and developmental issues and major character flaws. BDs will tolerate and put up with attitudes and behaviors from children of their first marriage that they never would with children of their present marriage and those children will become better-adjusted, more psychologically healthy people because of it. Parenting decisions influenced by guilt truly damage children and adult children. My DH and his ExW, along with the dynamics of their twisted relationship because she persisted in inserting herself into our lives and constantly allowed herself to be used as an ATM out of her own sense of guilt, produced extremely high conflict, dysfunctional, ill-adjusted adult children that still expect hand-outs at almost 60 yrs. old. Ultimately both bio-parents ended up merely becoming a 'resource' for SKs and SGKs to wring every last thing they can out of. If the kids well-being truly WAS the "first priority" the parents would have set their own feelings of guilt aside rather than soothing those feelings by caving into every illogical whim and unreasonable, greedy request by stepping up to the plate and sincerely parenting in a way that promoted independence, well-being, and self-reliance. Ultimately the kids end up always needing, always wanting and always unfulfilled because they've done nothing whatsoever to earn anything they're given.

It would be difficult to

It would be difficult to parse out, but I would love for someone to try to pinpoint which of the "problems" that CoD have that are attributed to the divorce are currently attributable to other factors, like factors that led up to the divorce (e.g. pre-divorce marital conflict, parental mental health issues) or factors like parental guilt after the divorce.

I would love to see a breakdown of what the likelihood of post-divorce problems among CoD whose parents accepted the divorce and moved on...that is, they did not try to create false friendships with their ex or try to "make up for" the divorce through indulgences, rather they took the view that the divorce happened, but it's not going to be the theme for the rest of our lives.

When people try to tell me that my SSs need to be treated differently because they are CoDs, I want to point out to them that my SSs go to school with more kids who are CoDs than kids who are not CoDs. They are the norm, now and therefore, shouldn't be babied or coddled because they are CoDs.

Troubled marriages and

Troubled marriages and divorce so often aren't conducive to good parenting. However, most kids, unless they have additional underlying issues to cope with, are extremely resilient and can usually deal with divorce after the initial breakup of the family. It's the parenting style that so often kicks into gear following a divorce that messes them up so badly. Overly permissive and indulgent parenting due to parental 'guilt' is more about the parent's feelings than it is about the welfare of the kids. The jealousy, hatefulness, disrespect, and abuse directed toward the SM once BD remarries also is not in the kids best interest. All that accomplishes (besides destroying any sense of peace of mind for the SM) is to create additional chaos which eventually trickles down to the kids and ultimately ruins relationships across the board. Even the relationship with their BD. My SK's BM has been parenting out of guilt for years and her oldest continues to take financial advantage of it even though she's close to 60 yrs. old. Even the GKs consistently suck up to see what they can get out of the situation. And, of course, they pull the same crap with us which has ruined any relationship we might have had with any of them. Maybe it's merely a difference between ideas regarding parenting, but in our case, we've never just rolled over and given our own children everything they want or think they 'need' and we're sure as h*ll not going to do it with anyone else including adult SKs. Inserting themselves into BD's marriage and family also eventually end ups backfiring on BM by hurting and ultimately destroying the kid's relationship not only with the SM, but with the BD. BMs may have the ability to inflict untold misery on SM and her ex's marriage, but it comes with a price in that it usually screws up everybody's relationship with her kids and the kids turn out to be the kind of people no one can proud of. That's one reason SDs have it easier.. divorced men rarely if ever, do that. They usually let it go and get on with their lives rather than attempt to retain power and control over their ex-wives. Unless, of course, they're an abusive, jealous nutcase too. In that case all bets are off. Anyway, the parenting 'goal' should be assertive parenting. Both extremes, permissive parenting and authoritative parenting, are both harmful according to child development theories.

Agreed. The BM in my life is

Agreed. The BM in my life is so intent upon "winning" and showing the kids that DH is a terrible person that she told one of them "your father caused the divorce", even though she likely has a personality disorder and only filed for divorce when she met another man. DH actually fought her on the divorce.

I also think that beyond crazy BMs who coddle their precious little cherubs, Disney Dads - perhaps the ultimate in permissive parents - cause damage as well. I try to remind my DH that just because he is divorced and doesn't see his kids that often, that doesn't mean he shouldn't parent them and he should let BM's emotional blackmail stop him from being the type of dad he wants to be (like his father whom I never met because he passed away nearly 20 years ago, but who by all accounts was good at being an assertive parent).

That would be one other piece of advice I'd have:

After divorce, actual parenting often goes out the window on both sides because parents feel guilty and don't want to be seen as the bad guy, so a SM is left with dealing with unparented children who are lazy, entitled, expect to be catered to, and aren't above throwing tantrums when they don't get their way. People will blame this behavior on the trauma of the divorce on the child, but actually it has more to do with the guilt hangover that both parents will experience after divorcing and in some cases, the desire to use any means necessary to "win" at being the favored parent.

So so so well said! This is

So so so well said! This is my situation exactly. All BM wants to do is take the skids on fancy vacations (no regard for school) the waterpark, expensive restaurants etc. We don't do that so DH is jealous and never follows through on discipline. All threats never real consequences.

The older one now orders DH to clean up after him if you can believe it. He is constantly bullying younger SS and DH says nothing. I speak up every now and then because I can't take bullying in my presence but that puts me in a very dangerous position.

DH realizes it's gone too far and is trying to do damage control but the older one is 13 and I wonder if it's too late.

even ministers and

even ministers and professional counselors tell couples this.

put the children first? and then what happens to the marriage that comes in second place?

Why DO people ask women about

Why DO people ask women about their husband's exes? I might understand it if there were young kids involved. But I was only face-to-face with my husband's first wife one time and trust me, we weren't "catching up." Even more than not knowing a thing about the woman, I would NEVER bring up someone's ex to them, let alone to their SO!!!! It's as if they're so desperate for gossip, all manners or reason goes out the window.
If it ever happens again, I'm letting loose: "How's your herpes?" "Is your brother out of prison yet?" "Is your son still struggling with his addiction?"
Really, people ought to think a little before they open their mouths.

I wanted to reply to the

I wanted to reply to the people who asked me about BM and say "well, she's an insufferable b&tch, who likes nothing more than to try to make DH's life miserable and keep him from being a parent. She didn't even want the kids to come to this party because DH didn't "ask nicely enough", so honestly, I wouldn't know what she was up to..." But, I had just met these people - very seconds before they asked me about BM, so I held my tongue.

TRUTH!

PS Forgot to add the most

PS Forgot to add the most heartbreaking: DH will probably want fewer kids than you because he already has them. Just had my son this year, want another so bad but we can't because "We already have 3 kids". Correction: YOU have 3 kids, I only have one.

Yes, this is true too. I

Yes, this is true too. I heard those exact words after our daughter was born, "Our family is complete now, we have 2 kids."

And yet DH knew I wanted another (or at least the option of another) before we even married. I said to him- "um, YOU have 2 kids and I now have one." Fortunately, I lucked into an oops baby for my 2nd (a boy, his only boy) and then he couldn't really do anything about it except try to get happy. I mean, he participated willingly, obviously. But if it'd been up to him we'd have stopped with our one. And wow the guilt trip I got from him about the strain on our finances from the impending 3rd child during that entire pregnancy... Funny how he never noticed the financial strain of his ongoing competition with BM to buy SD the best and newest and most expensive whatever at all possible times.

Great tips guys, we could

Great tips guys, we could write a damn book with what we've learned!

I've told her that knowing what i know now I would have still kept dating dh and only would have considered marriage if both skids were grown and gone and understood they'd never ever live with me. Also we would have bought a new place to live that skids have no connection to. Sounds harsh but that's what I'd do.

I can't stress enough to her to make and save her own money and never get in the mindset that this marriage is iron clad. We Experienced sm's know better. If he's got an issue with her saving her own money out of his reach, run very very fast away from him! Huge red flag!

Even though I have the most

Even though I have the most worthless SS ever I am not as negative as some of you. The most important thing to me is to keep control over your own well being at all times. It may sound horribly selfish but never sacrifice your welfare for anyone else’s. Do not buy into the it’s for the poor children crap.

You will resent the children if you are expected to sacrifice your extras for them. Children that you did not produce do deserve a decent life but you are not obligated to provide it. There are zillions of children in the world who need help. You can pick which ones if any that you want to help.

^^^THIS^^^ If you do not take

^^^THIS^^^ If you do not take the time and trouble to look after yourself, no one else will. Your welfare is just as important and relevant as anyone else's. Too often, we as women, are pigeonholed into some illusion that we are all hard-wired to sacrifice for other's or the "greater good". Especially where children are concerned. Whether they be ours or not. Do not lose sight of yourself and your own well-being.

This is a good thing to

This is a good thing to remember. Thanks for the reminder.

Duplicate

You will experience a low

You will experience a low level sadness even during the happiest events of your life. Holidays will be tainted. Weekends will not be a time of relaxation. Even your birthday, mother's day, and the like will be enveloped by this sadness.

Your man will choose the children over you in nearly every situation. The most cut and dried situation will be turned into a 'you vs. him+his kids' conundrum. Example: Stepchild puts a gun to your head and you tell your man about it. The first words to fall out of his mouth will be, "Are you suuuurrre it was a real gun? Maybe he/she was just playing with you."

Kids can be horrendous, abusive jerks. We all know this. There are multi-million dollar anti-bullying campaigns about the issue. Yet when you tell someone that your stepchild has done something horrendous, mean, purposeful, etc. NO ONE (even other stepmoms) will presume you to be the innocent party. And worse, they will actually sympathize with the abuser! It's like walking into the twilight zone... no one can possibly fathom that minors act with ill-intent. However logical it sounds that 20% of people have a mental disorder, and ALL of those people began life as a child, people will NOT give credence to the idea that your minor stepchild is showing signs of a budding mental disorder. Even if their crackhead mother who raises them is clearly disordered. You will be on your own in your very accurate assessment.
It's effing maddening!!!

You will be asked to sacrifice for people who are mean, rude, disrespectful to both your man and you... with the lame reason cited: it's for the chiiiildren.

There will be an impending dread that will pervade your spirit nearly every day. You will cope with it in a variety of ways including overeating, over-drinking, over-analyzing, visiting a site like steptalk... but the one thing you can't do, which is what every other wife in the world has the luxury of doing, is to confide in your man. He will NEVER understand. You're better off beating your head against a brick wall than to expect the compassion of your partner regarding these step issues. You will be utterly ALONE in a relationship.

As someone mentioned above, if the ex hates you, it's game over. Let's take that a step further. If she hates you, and her children know that, they will inflict the most insidious damage upon your life and your relationship...especially if it's a girl child. The little sh!t will be a weapon of war dressed as a dove standing between you and your man in your relationship. She will be the personification of evil, eating your food, walking through your home, and your man will LOVE her.

Let that sink in.
He'll love the evil little B!

If the young destroyer likes you at first, don't get lulled into a false sense of security, because she WILL turn on you. And your man, bless his idiotic heart, will work overtime protecting HER against YOU if you express any sort of dissatisfaction about her seemingly harmless yet incredibly hurtful, isolating, rejecting behavior.

You will HURT and cry. A lot. Not just little tears every now and then, but full blown sobs ALONE in your car, or before the kids arrive for the weekend or after they leave. You'll feel so misunderstood, alone and hurt and you'll have no one to turn to about how the game is rigged. This goes double if you're normally a strong person. It will almost kill you how weak and helpless you feel in this situation.

At some point in your journey, your man will do something - whether it's doing a favor for his crappy ex, or supporting children who are out to get you, or simply being insensitive, unreliable, or un-protective too many times - and your respect and love for him will drop dramatically. Then you'll spend a long time nursing your resentment and wondering how you'll ever find that love and respect again.

I caution every woman I meet, to never, ever, ever, date a man who was stupid enough to have kids with a crazy ex. It isn't worth it and as much as the dating scene sucks, nothing is as heart-wrenching as being a stepmother.

^^^^^THIS - very good

^^^^^THIS - very good description^^^^^

Wow. So spot on I’m

Wow. So spot on I’m speechless!

I bookmarked this page

I bookmarked this page because of your response. Like above posters speech less and spot on.
OP your young friend NEEDS to read this.

"At some point in your

"At some point in your journey, your man will do something - whether it's doing a favor for his crappy ex, or supporting children who are out to get you, or simply being insensitive, unreliable, or un-protective too many times - and your respect and love for him will drop dramatically. Then you'll spend a long time nursing your resentment and wondering how you'll ever find that love and respect again."

As if the whole reply wasn't enough, just this paragraph resonates with me so much!

Yeah, that paragraph hit a

Yeah, that paragraph hit a nerve with me...I can definitely relate.

Me too. I used to come here

Me too. I used to come here and look for posts about DH "not having my back," or "loving your husband a little less." Or I'd google "married but lonely" or "why don't I want to initiate sex with my husband anymore?" And really it was because of this. Didn't even realize it happened to so many other stepmoms because typically the focus of stepparent sites is on dealing with the skids. My biggest issue is DH.

Between his Disney parenting/spinelessness towards SD, nasty BM, and my god-awful abusive MIL, his neglectful or dismissive attitude towards my feelings and our 2 kids, and the loneliness of not feeling comfortable confiding any of this in most people, my loving and romantic feelings for him have waned. I'm trying to build them back up. He's trying to make changes, we're going to therapy, etc... but it still often feels like an uphill battle.

28 and a future stepmom? I'd simply say, RUN

I wish sooooo much I had read

I wish sooooo much I had read this before I got tangled up with DH. Very good description of the struggle.

I want to reiterate what previous posters have said--you will never win. And when/if you have a child of your own with this man, your postpartum time will not be YOURS. You will not get the solitude and bonding and space to learn/struggle/enjoy/whatever you feel...bc you will be surrounded by his kids. And you will like them EVEN LESS when you can't breast feed for having somebody else's kid stuck up in your shit or have a 7 year old telling you you're "doing it wrong" or taking it as a challenge when you say "Shhh, the baby is sleeping".

Don't do it. That's my best advice.

For the first time in fifty

For the first time in fifty years of marriage my experiences and feelings have been validated.

This thread is priceless.

Thank you isn't nearly enough. But THANK YOU to all who have contributed to this. Words really are failing me. Guess 'speechless' says it best..

Oh my goodness the low level

Oh my goodness the low level sadness. I thought it was just me. I am trying my best but everything feels tainted by this.

Everything I look forward to woth my son (first steps, first day of school etc), I know I will be experiencing alone somehow because he's felt that excitement before.

Planning the wedding you can't help but factor in that you want it to be different than his first etc

And I am not a competitive person at all. But it just creeps in and all the special firsts feel less special because they're not his too. I can't describe it but can tell the pps know it.

I am lucky that his parents don't like BM and were glad to get rid of her so ironically it's when we go to his parents that I feel like a valid wife.

You will be asked to

You will be asked to sacrifice for people who are mean, rude, disrespectful to both your man and you... with the lame reason cited: it's for the chiiiildren.

Yes! This is the one thing I

Yes! This is the one thing I have preached on to my co-worker is because it is what hits me the hardest. I am 50lbs heavier and have found a love of Vodka that didn't exist pre-skids. I realize I am trying to cope and failing miserably.
While my DH says he understands, he says he has children and can't change that. Calls the skids "our kids." While the thought is lovely, it certainly isn't the truth!

This should be required

This should be required reading for anyone even THINKING about stepping into this colossal mess called step life. Perfect!

Blayze, I am totally

Blayze, I am totally girl-crushing on you right now. As ugly and painful as it is to read the truth, I'm crushing...

Whoa, it's nice to see I'm

Whoa, it's nice to see I'm not alone!!! For years, your stories here on steptalk helped open my eyes to the reality of my miserable situation before I married into it. I'm happily 20 months skid-free, but the painful experiences were branded into my mind like a badge of dishonor. I still feel the lump in my throat and tightness in my chest whenever those memories surface. If only we can save one kind woman from the heartache then our collective tears are worth it. Thank you and much love <3

A few things that haven't

A few things that haven't been mentioned:

1) Set strong boundaries with BM and insist that your SO set strong boundaries with her before you get married. She has no place in your home, her opinion doesn't belong in your home, and unless you are putting the kids in harm's way, she does not need to weigh in on anything your SO is doing with the kids on his time. If your SO is reluctant to set boundaries with BM, then don't marry him. You don't want to be in a relationship with a man who is still in an emotionally entangled relationship with another woman. A lot of things can be twisted into "being about the kids", but they are really about control and about BM seeing if she can still influence her ex.

2) Be very hesitant to criticize the kids to anyone, including your DH. No matter how lazy, disrespectful, and poorly behaved his children are, your DH will not want to hear that from you. No matter how much he tells you that you should feel comfortable being completely honest with him, you should never be comfortable telling him what you really think of his kids. He will most likely retrench and defend them - even if they are 200% in the wrong - because he feels like you are either picking on them or criticizing him. And never...never...never say anything that is even the tiniest bit negative about the kids to anyone else. Not even if you mean it as a joke. Parents can do this - I have a friend who regularly calls her 2-year old a little b&tch - but stepparents cannot! Society already views you as the wicked stepmother. Saying anything other than how angelic and perfect your stepchildren are will convince them that they were right and you are the wicked stepmother.

3) Find some hobbies or other activities that you can do for yourself when the kids are around. When they are with you, your SO's world will revolve around them. Everything else will go out the window and he will expect you to push everything aside and "spend time as a family". This will be maddening, because really who can totally stop their life every time the kids show up.

4) You will be expected to treat the kids like houseguests - providing their favorite foods, planning entertainment for them, making sure they have clean sheets, towels, etc - while also seeing them as part of your household - considering or involving them in every decision you make, putting off things like trips or other activities / outings until they can be around, deferring to them and their schedule. This seems inconsequential, but it's a strange contradiction to wrap your head around when you're in the midst of it. It essentially means you're living in a sort of limbo when your stepchildren are not around.

5) To further put your life in limbo, you'll also be expected to plan all non-kids activities outside your visitation time, but then also to drop everything and take the kids when BM plans something during her time with the kids. This will be especially hard if your SO is the NCP, because he will not want to give up a chance to see his children for extra time and may want to cancel his plans to accommodate BM's last minute requests. If you turn down a request for extra time with the kids because you have plans, your MIL might wonder why you can't just drop everything and take the kids. She likely still has a relationship with BM and if your BM is really sneaky she will contact MIL if your SO says no to try to stir up trouble and force him to accommodate her. Your MIL won't say "oh that's great" when your SO tells her that he can't take the kids because you had planned to do whatever adults-only thing you planned to do together, she may actually accuse you of trying to exclude the kids from your life or some other thing about how her poor grandchildren are just being pushed off to the side by you, the wicked stepmother (nevermind the fact that BM has pushed them off to the side to do whatever adults-only activity she planned on her time with the kids).

6) Related to number 5, if you go away with just your SO and without the kids, be prepared to hear comments from everyone about how terrible your SO is for jetting off with his "new fling" and not including his kids (even if you are married, you will still be seen as a "new fling" in some ways by people who typically preference the first family). This might also ruin your trip, because then your SO will feel bad that he didn't take his kids on the trip. If your BM is truly evil, she will tell the kids where your SO went with you and remind them that he went without them because (either just implied or stated outright) he doesn't love them anymore because he's now found someone else. She may even have them call your SO while on the trip and sit in the background saying "ask daddy how his trip is going?" No matter that BM goes away with her SO without the kids and no matter if you paid for everything, BM, her family, and even his family will all have opinions on how terrible the two of you are for going off without the children. These same people probably thought it was great when BM and your SO went off together to spend time alone without the kids when they were married, but for some reason in their minds, everything changed when your SO became a divorced dad. He's supposed to stop living his own life at that point and drop everything for his kids. BM is not, because she, after all, is the poor single mom who never gets a break. This is true even if BM and your SO share 50/50 custody or even if your SO wants more custody time, but BM refuses to consider it.

Overall, society feels bad for divorced mothers and angry at divorced dads, regardless of what is actually going on. Everyone's behavior - including your SO's - will reflect this societal view. This will feel incredibly unfair and drive you crazy, so approach any situation where you're taking on a man with children with incredible patience, support from other stepmoms, lots of outlets for enrichment, fulfillment, and satisfaction for yourself outside of the marriage (not talking affairs here, just activities, hobbies, ways to feel fulfilled on your own), and a focus on love for your SO. The love you have for your SO and the love he has for you will have to be strong, because your relationship will be assaulted on all sides by ridiculous, unfair, and relentless things that should have nothing to do with your relationship.

This is good too!!

She told you horror stories

She told you horror stories about the BM, you told her horror stories about the BM and being a SM, she's still not thinking straight thus she will not even listen to the advice we can offer her....

but all I can say

Always remember you are not the parent, never take responsibility for the children, if the bio parent is not there, they are not there.

Keep your finances separate and never bail your partner out of financial difficulties, do not move in with your partner and his children and if they move in with you, set the rules from day one and keep to it, if your partner does not like it he can take his brats and move right out again.

Never say anything bad about the skids and ex wife in front of any one, not the partner and not his family, you never know when it will bite you in the ass, the best answer about the kids is always.. Ah they are only children ... and then change the subject

Do not walk on egg shells at any time... and do not feel guilty or bad cause the poor kids comes from a broken home, so what they can get over it, it's life.

Never do anything the bio parent is not doing.... concerning the kids,

always keep your friends and independence, keep your life out side the relationship, meet your friends once or twice a month, do things that makes you happy

your only responsibility is toward yourself, do not think for one second this man will make you happy, he will not, it's up to you to make yourself happy with the life you choose.

I agree with everything you

I agree with everything you have all said but would add:

You might think you will only see the skids every other weekend and that will be that. OH NO. The universe will FUCK YOU ROYALLY and you will find yourself living in the 7th circle of hell because the stepkids will move in with you PERMANENTLY. NO DAYS OFF, NO REPRIEVE, HERE 24/7, 365 DAYS A YEAR. Let that percolate for a second. Can you imagine seeing their mollycoddled, barely hatched faces day in, day out??!!!!! It's an unbearable and unrelenting nightmare with no end date.

Find someone else without kids, it is hideous having these interlopers in your home and your life. Someone said above about the 'low level sadness' yep that's my life now and it's awful because of them.

Having a blended family is

Having a blended family is 100% harder the second time around than it was the first. #thebradyssuck
2. You will became public enemy number from the day you say I do.
3. Inlaws may hate their ex daughter-in-law, but she gave them their grand kids. Never forget that.
4. His kids are not my kids. My kids are not his kids. Don't kid yourself, otherwise.
5. His baggage and your baggage are not a matching set. Be prepared to travel with them throughout your marriage. You can't throw it out and buy new.
6. Rules and chores ...who are you kidding. There is a standard for his kids, there is a standard for your kids, they look nice posted on the fridge though.
7. The kids are NEVER going to leave. Doesn't matter how old they are, they will always be his kids.
8. Loving him is the easy part. Living with his past and present is the balancing act.
9. When all else fails, blame the stepmom.
10. During the holidays, birthdays, graduations, being a tad bit tipsy will get you through.
11. Intimacy exists only when the doors are bolted shut, blinds are closed, you hide the car in the garage, turn off the cell phone and take shallow breaths - the kids hear everything.
12. Everything you own, just became theirs.
13. There are no redos. These kids are just as damaged as you are.
14. BioMom maybe the biggest waste of skin, but she is Mary Poppins and Mother of the Year when she appears.
15. Eight years, it will take this long or longer, before you finally feel like are making progress.

The only way a Step Situation

The only way a Step Situation can work, is if the Father can set boundaries and make you a priority. His kids needs come first ie. necessesities but his relationship to you has to be number 1.
There is a term disengagement easy to read about, but hard to practice, I find that it took me several years and now having my SS live with me to be able to engage in disengagement.
Anything you say and do can and will be used against you.
As others have mentioned, confide in someone else when the kids are being "annoying" - if you really want something to change mention it but in a constructive way.
If the BM is psycho theres not much you can do, other than hoping/praying DH recognizes this. Took my DH several years to see this
Plan Alone Time for yourself
Expect snyde remarks from the kids, eventually
Dont expect DH to recognize the faults of his kids, you certainly will, DH in the back of his mind sees this-but more than likely will not want to look in the mirror and hear it from you
Its everyone elses fault but theirs.
Expect exscuses from your DH for his kids poor behaviour
If your DH does not recognize the faults in his kids(rem we all have faults) and he does nothing to correct them or doesnt think his kids were really "THAT BAD" too you expect to lose respect for your DH and eventually your relationship
Be honest if you are starting to feel you cant take anymore, tell him
Lay Down rules immediately if skids live with you
I cant say to leave or give this a shot, but as others have mentioned you may not think there are many men out there but after being in a step situation you realize- there really are and you probably deserve better.
Good Luck and hopefully if you decide to pursue, you have a DH that has your back!

Do not proceed with the

Do not proceed with the relationship, there are other alternatives than living a sad and lonely life because of adult skids. Moreover no matter what age you sign up with skids if your dh does not prioritize you, the ending is still the same. You will be living a life of misery no matter what you do or how you behave as it makes no difference
because at the end your dh will rather prioritize other adults instead of his wife.

Do not proceed with the

I would take her hand, and

I would take her hand, and with pure concern for her welfare and sanity, urge her to back out now. Don't do it. Get out. Run.

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For a friend - Warnings about becoming a SM