Gaslighting
Trudie's LIGHTBULB MOMENT post caused me to think of this: How many "lightbulb moments" when our DH's "got it" were related to the realization that gaslighting had been at play by BM and/or the skids, when we recognized--or finally trusted our guts--that we had been gaslit, when our DH's recognized they had been the victim of gaslighting?
Gaslighting: psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, . . . and a dependency on the perpetrator. Gaslighting can be a very effective tool for the abuser to control an individual. It's done slowly so the victim writes off the event as a one off or oddity and doesn't realize they are being controlled and manipulated. It's an amazing tool if you are a bottom-dwelling creature of evil.
Not only do I see that DH had been the victim of gaslighting for years, but I, too, was. Every poor, rude, mean, cruel behavior, when confronted, was responded to with passionate denials by SD and BM and with wailing by SD. DH was told repeatedly that his "recollections" were not real (even a day later); that what happened really did not happen. He even heard that after the wedding when the rudeness and meanness could not have been more open, out there, and obvious.
BM once told me, angrily, that she had been nothing but "Christ-like" toward me. While I laughed over that one, there was a part of me for years that occasionally wondered if I had misunderstood these people, at least to some extent. I mean, they denied everything. Could I have been misinterpreting things? What if I was (as I was accused of being) the bad person? What had I done? Am I the jerk?
I think this techinique plays such a central part in so many of these situations where our DHs refuse to see or acknowledge the truth of what is really going on. It's such a cruel, brain-effing technique. And how sad it is that our/my skids were taught this technique at such young ages. How sick!
I don't even engage a lot of
I don't even engage a lot of the people in my SO's family anymore. You can't reason with crazy and trying to will just make you feel crazy. One thing steplife has taught me is not to fear the dreaded "S" word. You know, the one that keeps a lot of us putting up with things we shouldn't. We are so afraid of being seen as "selfish" that we lose our own sense of self-preservation.
Some of us find ourselves with poor mental health for the first time in our lives and wonder if there's something wrong with us. I've finally learned to set and enforce boundaries and not just in this relationship but in my whole life. I want to be helpful and do good but i will no longer be an enabler, an unpaid driver/nurse/nanny/teacher/maid, or do anything that threatens my mental health. Because it was threatening my mental health and i see that now.
ETA i am still sometimes an unpaid gardener, but i actually like doing that. Also, as for the gaslighting....I don't take anything certain people say seriously. After all, they are nuts and also the "S" word!
I love this.
I love this.
Yes!
Same...I am basically no contact unless necessary; when necessary I am brief, but cordial.
This is interesting....
I don't think I've been directly gaslit in my situation. OSD's outbursts and ugly messages are directed at me, meaning she doesn't address me personally, unless when raging. DH says she is afraid of me, because I don't put up with her nonsense. Her texts, emails, and phone calls about me were directed to her father. (I sometimes wonder if she doesn't understand that he shows me everything?) When he stood up for me, against her lies, she would deny wrongdoing and focus on what she thought I did to her. DH used to say, "That's her reality." But it was not reality at all. I remember asking early on, "How do I deal with someone who does not live in reality?" He was unable to answer. He no longer speaks of 'her reality'. So I would say that DH was exposed to her tactics; they didn't work though. I dare to guess they did work in the past.
Mia, the fact that your are examining your words and actions tells me that you are likely spot on in your assessment of events with BM, SD, and SS. The ability to self reflect is a powerful tool in navigating life's challenges, whether they are incurred by others or self inflicted.