Gifts for Fathers Day
So I have begun shopping for Father's Day for DH, and this will be his first Father's Day since the birth of our son. Since we have been together I have always gotten DH something small for Father's Day because BM has not in 8 years ever done a single thing for him on Father's Day. However, the gift was always from me and I never arranged for SS to make or get DH anything because I didn't want to step on BM's toes, nor did I feel like it was really my place because I am not his mother.
This year, I am planning a whole special day for DH with gifts from me and "from" our infant son. So my question is do I need to step up and encourage/help SS (8) to get a gift for DH this year? Or is that still his mother's job even though she won't do it? He doesn't really take an interest in doing things for other people- I basically had to force him to pick out a Christmas gift for DH.
Also, I should add that I
Also, I should add that I have no idea if SS will even be with us on Father's Day. BM is very upset with DH and I right now so I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't let SS come with us.
It's not really BM's job - it
It's not really BM's job - it would be nice if she did, but not required.
When my SS was younger, I would ask him if he wanted my help in getting a father's day gift, and if so, I'd help him. He usually took me up on the offer. Now that he's an adult, it's on him to remember.
It doesn't have to be
It doesn't have to be something purchased. Not much opportunity at the moment for that, anyway. I'd ask SS if he'd like to draw his father a card. I still have homemade Mother's Day cards made by my daughters, from 25+ years ago, which I treasure. I don't think I'd have bothered keeping a shop bought card.
If SS says no, he doesn't want to - I'd just leave it. No point in forcing these things.
I don't consider it BM's job
I don't consider it BM's job to get DH (or have the kids get DH) something for father's day or any other occasion. Frankly, I don't want BM involved in any of that. I help the skids with gifts/crafts for DH. If they ask me to, I will also help them with crafts/materials for BM for mother's day, too, but I wouldn't buy a gift.
In your shoes, I'd offer to help SS get a gift, since it's not like he can drive to the store himself. Having SS involved will likely give your DH more joy, and that's what father's day is about.
My parents have always gotten
My parents have always gotten each other things for Mother's Day and Father's Day even though they aren't together so I guess I just kind of thought that's what people do. And DH continues to get BM something for mothers day as well. But thanks for the advice! I'll see if SS wants to help me pick something online for Father's Day and have him make a card. If he doesn't want to, just like he didn't want to do Christmas, I don't think I'll force it.
I would just worry about your
I would just worry about your son and you as far as father's day. He is the father of YOUR son. There is absolutely no need for you to get involved in what SS should do for his dad. That's his deal.
Used to ask
I used to ask SS what they wanted to get DH for father's day or if they wanted help getting him something and they've always turned medown...and have only given him $20 one year, which they then turned around and demanded he spend on them. One year, he bought cards for the kids to give to him and had them write they would mow the lawn or clean their rooms in the cards, but they didn't even do that. I usually buy him something from me, as a token of him being a good dad. It's not entirely his fault that his kids are ungrateful and inconsiderate. It's partially his fault because he doesn't call them out on it, but it's mostly BM.
That your DH has no BKs with
That your DH has no BKs with BM actively pursues and facilitate a kid and it's BM invading your life, home and marriage changes things a bit.
Why would you accept being a 2nd class citizen in your own life, and your child being an even more distant priority to his own father due to your DH putting a completely unrelated child and it's mother as a priority over you and his actual child?
Please tell me he isn't paying CS for this kid and that he in no way supports his X financially.
No he doesn't pay child
No he doesn't pay child support or support BM financially. While the situation is difficult, I definitely wouldn't say SS and BM are a priority over me and my son. He sees SS maybe 2 or 3 times a month.
But I'm also to blame because before my son was born, I tried really hard to accept SS into my life because I knew how much he means to DH. I didn't even realize how crazy the whole situation was until the birth of our son honestly. And now I'm just disappointed in myself and how I let love make me blind to a lot of stuff.
This speaks highly of you and
This speaks highly of you and your character. But... your own baby changes the mix and the situation critically. DH needs clarity that his relationship with his X's child no longer is a priority and it cannot detract from his marriage and his own family and child.
I like to encourage my step
I like to encourage my step daughter to think of others. As such if my sd is with us before father's day I would encourage her to do or think of something she would like to get for her dad. I would help her with reasonable things. Equally if she is with us before mother's day I would encourage her to think of something to do for her mom and get her dad and her to work on making that happen. Same for birthday's and christmas. I see my role in sd's life as a parental figure and I feel that encouraging her to be thoughtful and generous is a worthwhile effort.
My sd's mother is inconsistent in what she does to facilitate sd giving gifts to others. I choose not to set my behavior level by the standards that BM sets but by how I think a child should be raised.
I understand and respect that others have varying opinions.