Graduation issues
}:) Ok....so my stepson is graduating HS this coming week. My DH and I are on good terms with his ex-wife. My stepson has been in our custody for the past 8 years. The problem isn't so much the ex-wife, it's actually my in-laws. They hate her. That is pretty much an understatement. She has done a lot of terrible things, and I get it. But, my job as a step mother is to foster a positive relationship between my SS and his parents. Since most of her misdeeds were against my SS's, DH and myself, I feel like we have that under control. We chose to forgive, and move on. It's what is best for the kids. My DH and I have always put the kids first.
Anywho...back to the problem. We are co-hosting a reception with my DH's ex-wife after his graduation at a local restaurant. My inlaws are refusing to go. They will go to the Graduation ceremony, but not the party afterwards becuase they hate his ex wife and her family. I'm really bummed out about this because the only one who will get hurt by this is my SS. He's a great kid, has worked hard to get this far, and deserves a nice night.
I have asked my inlaws (or should I say, INSISTED) they re-consider since I won't lie to my SS (as they asked me to) and really don't want to have to explain to him that his grandparents hate his mother more than they love him. (certainly I wouldn't say that, but really, that's the truth).....Any suggestions??? I'm heartbroken for him, and don't know what else I can do....Any feedback would be soooo appreciated.
JesseGirl
I really think your DH needs
I really think your DH needs to have a chat with them. I certainly understand them not liking BM, but this is their grandson. How would they feel if they didn't go and SS told them how hurt he was, and didn't speak to them for awhile? How would they feel knowing that their actions hurt SS, and therefore, DH? I certainly understand your in-laws' frustration and anger towards BM, but there are some situations where we have to put on our big-boy/girl panties, tough it out and act nice for the kids, and I think this is one of them. Your DH really needs to have a conversation about this with his family.
I really appreciate your
I really appreciate your feedback. My DH did say that he would step in on this matter, and he did very gently try to push them a little to understand the situation. We were talking yesterday, and I offered to handle it as they are nicer to me than to him actually.
The back story:
About 2 yrs ago, one of my brothers in law passed away. It was really tough on everyone. What was weird was as my brother was in his final days, my father in law came to me and asked me to call my DH's ex, and ask her not to come to the funeral. I was really taken back by this. I told him that I could not do that. It wasn't the right thing to do, it would hurt my SS's, and the focus should be on the family, not trival crap with DH's ex....(did I say that they've been divorced for almost 9 years????) So when I said no, he went to DH, and DH said the same thing...not to mention that we had no idea if she would show up or not. That turned into a total blow out with my Father in law really losing it on DH, and DH telling him where to put it. Fast forward to the funeral. She did show up. Personally, I would not have done that, but she really has no boundaries. So, my father in law was pissed, and was disrespectful to her right in front of my SS's. (I'm giving you the condensed version).
Fast forward a couple of weeks, and I get a call from my Father in law and he pretty much chews my ear off for an hour about how disrespecful DH is to have told him no, and how awful the ex wife is for showing up. I listened, but told him that from where I sit, it wasn't worth the anger. After the call, he sent me 2 emails. One that he wanted me to pass to my DH, and the other, a copy of an email he sent to the ex wife. Both were horrible. I mean, he said the most horrible things to both of them. "he lost 2 sons that day". "she should kill herself" (ps, she's mentally ill). It was a train wreck. He even called my SS to get the ex-wifes email address. I had to actually block his number on the phone becuase he threatened to call my SS's and tell them what he thought of their mother. So...long story long....he's a toxic individual. We had been a very close family up until this point. Then, we pretty much pulled back and didn't have communications with them. Finally, we slowly started to get close again, but things have never been the same. My father in law has a hair trigger temper, my mother in law enables him. It's just toxic. So, we do see them regularly as they are my DH's parents, and they are in their 70's. We all play fairly nice in the sandbox, and DH and I always try to do the right thing. (birthday's holidays, occasional visits, etc.) If DH does push the issue, we will lose any and all ground that we've made with them since 2 years ago. One path we could take is to just let the chips fall where they do. I talked to my SS, and on the surface, he seems fine with them coming to Graduation, but not the reception. He doesn't know it's becuase of his BM. He's a good kid, who would not hold this against his grandparents. So, we could just let it go. I guess I may be more hurt for him than he would be for himself if he knew....Sooooo confused!
Thanks so much for listenting.
For sure your ILs should be
For sure your ILs should be adult enough to attend the reception and be there for their grandchild.
I too detest my Skids SpermIdiot but would not punish the kid for the unfortunace donator of the poluted end of his gene pool.
One would think, but clearly,
One would think, but clearly, they are not. I never thought that they would be so mean spirited and thoughtless...I never thought that I'd actually feel for my DH's ex wife on such an issue! Don't get me wrong, she has earned the label....it's been a LONG HARD struggle to get to this point....And that's why it's so hard to understand them perpetuating the feud.
all I am going to say is
all I am going to say is this..as food for thought...
while i recognize you and hubby did not want to tell BM not to come to the funeral...because that might affect SSs...well it was SS's uncle...but it was FIL's SON. SO when it comes to relationships...FIL had the trumping relationship. This was HIS SON. That is huge to have a son die before a parent...and to not respect the wishes of the father in this case, just so SSs might feel better and you did not want to subject them to sadness, or spite, well...I think that was disrespectful to the father in law. If I was the FIL I would have been very angry too. Frankly, SSs had THEIR dad and THEIr SM at the funeral to help them handle their emotions and feelings, so why did they need their mom too? Avoiding causing the SSs dissapointment, is avoiding the reality of divorce...and in the process I think the actions of having BM come to the funeral...well was very rude when the father expressly stated he did not want her their.
DId you invite the mom to your wedding so the kids could feel better? I would say the answer is no. WHy? It was your day...well...when someone's kid dies, the dad has his day and you disrespected that.
Hi Folkmom, Actually, I do
Hi Folkmom,
Actually, I do see your point of view, and I do agree with it to some extent. First and foremost, this event happened almost 2 yrs ago.
The BM should not have come to the funeral. Period. I totally agree with that. What I disagree with, is actually banning someone from a funeral. I just can't see doing that. Not for anyone. A funeral is a time for grieving, and mourning. Not for vendettas. Although her action in coming was classless, to call her up during that timeframe when everyone, my DH, my MIL, my BIL, everyone was grieving, and to say.....by the way, you're not welcome, is just not in my nature.
I will say that when she told me she was coming, I told her that she really didn't have to, and that it may be best to pass on it. She didn't take the cue, and came anyway.(and again, it was in bad taste to say the least) So,I do understand his anger, but I don't agree that my DH or I were disrespectful. My DH lost his brother, and was with him from when he got sick to the moment he passed. No one else was there with him. Not my FIL, nor my MIL or my other BIL. Just my DH. I will also say that I sought council from the family Pastor on this issue at the time as well, and he advised me that adding to the drama by "banning" the ex-wife wasn't the most Christian thing to do. I can't state enough how hard my DH and struggled with this situation at the time. And, unfortunately we can't go back and change it.
All of the past aside, the issue at hand is Graduation. Is it fair to my SS that his grandparents can't move past this issue from almost 2 yrs ago to be there to celebrate his achievement? What does this teach him about forgivness? Should my SS have to pay for something that happened 2 yrs ago, that wasn't his fault?
If they want to be mad at my DH and I for trying to do what we thought was the right thing at the time, that's OK with me. I can handle that. We were the one's who made the error, not my SS.
I really do appreciate your insight, and if you have any feedback, feel free to let loose!
Jesse
I would do separate grad
I would do separate grad parties. Not everything has to be done jointly. There was a divorce and it is not unreasonable to expect their to be separate parties. I think that is your best solution.
Hi Crystal and Folkmom, Over
Hi Crystal and Folkmom,
Over the years, we have done most things separately. Most birthdays, holiday's etc. We have also done some together. We played it by ear based on the kids and their feelings.
This is something that we decided to do together so that everyone could see my SS graduate, and then have the reception immediately afterwards. We could have done separate events for sure, but my thinking when I was approached by BM was "why not?". We could both save money (and give him more cash for college), and also make it a nice time for him.
My parents divorced when I was in HS, and my parents to this day will not snub an event due to the other one being there. My parents gave me a joint graduation party, and it was great....I guess I'm not use to the conflict of others so much. Maybe that's why I didn't see the issue with it. In fact, all my family members who have been thru a divorce, have maintained good relations with their ex. My brother and his exwife, my mom and dad, me and my ex-inlaws...we've all remained close. I guess that's why it's hard for me to understand all the drama. But I supose that regardless, it exists within both my DH's family, as well as his ex's family....
This is a big milestone for my SS.....Maybe not as big as a wedding, but that will be down the road as well, and we certainly wouldn't have separate weddings. I kind of look at it like this is good practice for other events down the road that would invite all family members.
My FIL has flat out refused to go, but my MIL finally dedided to go so that at least there was some representation on our side of the family. I have said no more about it to my inlaws, as they have to live with whatever, if any, fallout there is.
I guess I know how to handle things now when my other SS graduates!!!
I just hope that when they get married, that things are more settled, and it won't ruin that day for them as well.
Thanks so much for listening, and the suggestions. I truly appreciate them.