great place to vent...
I'm new to Step talk and I think it's a fanrastic idea! I don't know any-one who is in a similar situation as me so it's hard to talk to any-one about all of my weird, frustrating, jealous, irrational feelings that come with being a step mother! People who aren't in the same situation just don't understand as well as every-one on this site. I'm not a step mom yet but am living defacto with my partner and we see his 4yr old daughter every second week. I've been looking after her whenever we have her for 4 years now. This small section of my life is the only thing that upsets me and is the only thing that I have absolutely no control over which is why I think I get upset! I can't stand my partners ex and neither can he but for some reason he is getting really annoyed if I say any-thing bad about her, he says negative things about her whenever he wants to who ever he wants but he thinks that I can't do the same, we had a big fight last night about it! I am at the point where I don't want to care any-more but I do - it's very frustrating. I'm trying to block all of it out! The 4yo is getting very demanding, she's so spoilt, it's hard for me because I don't agree with how she is being raised, her mother has a new boyfriend every month and she is really a disgusting person, no-body from my partners family likes her - they think she is an absolute waste of space which helps! I think he is getting annoyed because he doesn't like being reminded about how badly he f&#(@d up in the first place by getting played by this horrible woman. It's the only thing we really fight about. I got annoyed because my partner and the ex switched weekends without checking with any-one else and now it's going to stuff up plans we had for the weekend after - I feel like the third wheel some-times and I know I am because thay have to have a parenting relationship together but I HATE IT! Okay, I feel better now, I will be amazed if any-one actually gets to the end of this, well done if you did! I would love and appreciate any comments, it's nice to chat to people who understand so I don't feel like such an alien! 
we hear you...
I, too, was baffled by how much emotional energy this section of my life takes up when compared with other challenging things.
You have to confront your partner about changing the visitation schedule without consulting you. You may be "just" a defacto step-mom, but you're playing the role for real. You deserve to be consulted on issues that affect your life.
My husband didn't like to
be reminded of the terrible mistake he'd made with BM, so when I would go off on her he'd get terribly offended. He said he didn't have feelings for her anymore, but felt I was somehow criticizing him by saying these things. We've been together about 4 years now, and now he's gotten to the point to where it doesn't bother him (as much) for me to criticize BM because he knows I'm angry at her, not him. Still, sometimes we call "an ex-free night," where we can't mention BM's name because it's just so stressful. I suspect that at time goes on, your partner will ease up on this too. For now, vent here and not at your partner about her.
You do need to make clear that you're a 50 percent partner in the visitation schedule, so he must ask you first before changing any plans with BM. This will rile her (haha) but it's essential for you not to go crazy.
I think you also must agree with your partner on what is, and is not acceptable behavior for the 4-year-old. And then both of you must enforce the rules without exception, or this situation could spiral out of control. (A spoiled child at 4 likely will be a monster by 8 ...)
Step parents bill of rights
Someone posted this a few days ago and I saved it. I think it is a great base to create healthy boundaries for us Step parents!!! Let's have our partners read it, add to it, and agree. Then put it on your fridge on legal size pager in color.
Stepparents Bill of Rights
1. I will be part of the decision making process in my marriage and family at all times
2. People outside my immediate family, including ex's, in laws, and children cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent.
3. I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits.
4. I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long.
5. I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly.
6. I will be consulted on all family financial matters.
7. Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission.
8. I will not be treated like an outsider in my own home.
9. My spouse and stepchildren will treat me with respect.
10. Our marriage is our first priority, and we will address all issues together.
One place to start. Remember the more time we spend thinking /talking about the ex, the less time we have to enjoy our life and our family. Good luck
That is a touch situation
That is a tough situation you are in. I'm hoping you can find a middle ground. He probably feels that if he said no to a visitation it would be a poor reflection on him as a father. He might feel that he needs to be there for them always no matter what and may feel that he doesn't get to see them enough as it is so anything he can get, he'll take. I think I would drop everything for my child but there needs to be some reasonable understanding of when she is asking him to step in. This issue I see is with the BF and the ex. He needs to redefine their co-parenting role. When I came into the picture there were a whole lot of redefinitions that had to be made in order for me to become the wife. This would take my own blog to go into but I guess what I'm saying is for you two to talk and try to understand the under current behind his wanting to be there always for his kids and what the understanding currently is with the ex. With that said, with all the trials we have had dealing with the complexities of being a step etc. I would never have made it if he didn't put us first.
Thank-you
Thank-you for the very helpful comments! The bill of rights is a fantastic idea. I really get strength reading all of your comments, it makes me realise that I'm not alone. - A fantastic start to the day!
I've had similar situations with number 4 as well, it's very hard to voice your feelings some-times without your partner taking offence. It takes a lot of time, patience and heartache to sort through these issues but hopefully it's worth it for you!
I too feel like the third
I too feel like the third wheel sometimes. My BF will find out at the last minute about changes, and of course, then I find out even later. I've told him before, why can't you just ask BM, do I have skid on Monday holiday, or are you having her. I don't care if he has her, just let me know ahead of time, so I can make my own plans to do something with my friends. But no, last holiday, we had made plans to something on Monday, then he never said anything, so I left him a message saying well I guess M is staying with you again tonight since I didn't hear from you, he left the following mesage for me on Sunday night, 'I just found out that M is spending the night with me again tonight and tomorrow, which is cool, you didn't sound too happy about it, sorry about that." WTF...sorry about that! I'm still pissed about that. What's with these guys, why won't they find out plans ahead of time, I told him I feel like I fill in the cracks for him!
Thinking about this again just makes me angrier with him!
Why this site is so great. We're not alone...
It is hard enough being in a relationship with a man. Add kids and another woman. Holy F. So, I hear you girls. I haven't spent the holidays with my family since I met my husband and last year was going to be the big holiday for us. With BM screwing with everyone and changing plans at the last minute, my parents had to cancel, losing money on plane tickets etc. BM told me in a very sarcastic voice oh I'm soooooo sorry your holiday was messed up. It's suppose to be about the kids. Well FU too. It was after that that I started laying down the law, drawing a line in the sand if you will. I told my husband to define the dates and confirm and confirm again. I will not allow last minute changes around my holiday/vacation time. It affects me, my family, etc. So she no longer has wiggle room at the very last minute. My husband has learned that if I'm pissed off he is miserable. Life is really good when the woman of the house is happy. That is the first lesson a man needs to know, especially if he is marrying for the second time and has kids in tow. So there...
I have learned that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.
–Henry David Thoreau
I give up
I can't be super step mom anymore. My step daughter is 12, she has lived with us for 17 months. She turned into the most disrespectful, ungrateful little cow I have ever met. Why does everything have to be about her, why does everything I own automatically becomes hers and she can abuse it anyway she finds fit? Why when we do reward her for good behavior, she takes it for granted and wants more or it's not good enough? After months and months of asking her to do things our way, why does she still disobey? And what the heck does this mean "I don't know why I don't listen" Or my favorite answer she has to everything is " I know". Well if you know do it!!!! How do I get her to respect our rules and US? Like I said it's been 17 months and it seems like things are getting worse.