Had a talk with DH

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I had a long conversation with DH yesterday. Basically, I told him he needs to help SS cope, and himself, with the move by going to a professional. DH said ok and told me he would talk to SS about it today.

If he thinks he is spending too much time with my kids and wants to “disengage” as some ladies here suggested, then I am ok with that. Sure, I am disappointed but my kids have a close relationship with their father and don’t need DH all that much. I take care of everything related to them already. He seemed to love their attention more anyway. My DS will be disappointed the most but he has already gotten over it mostly.

However, I firmly said that DH can no longer discipline them. I will do it myself. I do not want my kids to be confused about their relationship with him. Until recently they used to share everything with him, buy him birthday/father’s day presents and genuinely care about him. And he cares about them too. He actually loved being a coach to DS’s team. But I will not allow him to flip-flop in his feelings towards them. He is either a full-parent or he isn’t. And I will similarly “disengage” from SS. I told DH would be responsible for his SS’s special snacks/treats that I used to pay for. And I would no longer discipline SS like I do with my kids.

I also told him he has no right to feel resentful towards the puppy. It was his idea to buy it. I told him that he was irresponsible to tell SS that he would buy another puppy for BM’s home without discussing with her first. And it is certainly not my fault SS didn’t get a dog when he was younger.

I said that if he wants to sit at home and be guilty when SS is not here than that is on him. I will live my life with kids as I see fit. I actually used to avoid going to out to eat when SS was not here so we could do it together. But no, I am done with that. I am a bit disgusted at how DH has got so much worse at catering to SS. The xmas incident really opened my eyes.

We sat down with a calendar and determined how many days DH was actually getting with SS including summers and breaks and long weekends. Keep in mind that now DH actually has 100% quality time with SS instead of me babysitting him on weekdays like before. The grand total was 20 days less than if it was 50/50 custody. I think this knocked some sense into DH because he thought he was shorting SS much more than that.

DH is more than welcome to go to SS’s two-three games a month, I have never stopped him. But he doesn't get to complain about feeling tired when he gets home.

I was firm with my conditions and DH does not like the new rules I created. Apparently he doesn’t like the idea of me not treating SS like my own kid. And he doesn’t like that he has no say in my kids discipline anymore. I was so mad when he said that. He said he would talk to SS over this weekend and try to come up with a better solution.

And unlike what one poster has said, I do not depend on DH to support my kids. I make more than him and pay for more things than he does. He also agreed to the move because he had a chance to learn new skills and make slightly more money. And we only moved after SS told us he was ok with it. Just because he changed his mind now doesn’t mean I will drop everything and head back. It is not fair to me or my kids to uproot our lives again, lose thousands of dollars we don’t have, and move back.

And no, I will not be driving 1.5 hours, 2 with weekday traffic, each way just so SS can have a few more hours with DH. Back when we were in the old town, DH wouldn’t even come home until 7pm. So guess who was spending most of the weekdays with SS?

Sorry if I came off a bit angry in this post. But I have been very frustrated with DH and the situation. He is a big doofus but in the end, he is my doofus and I want him to work this out.

Yay for standing up for

Yay for standing up for yourself and your kids! I think you handled it nicely.

Of course your DH doesn't like that option. His precious snowflake isn't the center of attention and how dare he be treated the same as the other kids. Also why is he discussing this with his son to come up with a better solution? Kids should have no power like that. He needs to make a decision himself and stick with it instead of running back to his son for approval on how he should act or treat people.

Thanks It doesn't really

Thanks

It doesn't really bother me that he is discussing with SS actually. Maybe SS will be able to express what is actually bugging him.

I mean I totally get

I mean I totally get discussing things with kids and letting them vent, express themselves etc.. but there needs to be boundaries. What if SS throws a fit and says this is how I want it.. period. He's already given into him so I see this being a power struggle. SS will cling onto any power he can at this point because it's worked so far.

I guess what I'm trying to say is there is a difference between talking to a child or giving said child options in the scenario instead of talking and saying what you're going to do and this is how you're going to do it in a firm but gentle way.

Yes you are completely right.

Yes you are completely right. I am sure SS will fight back. I hope DH has enough of a backbone to stand up to him. But these days I am not too sure about that.

LAMomma is a smart momma and

LAMomma is a smart momma and this is a great point. Allowing a kid to tell you what to do or give you permission to do whatever is not the way to fix this. You might say now you don't care now if he talks to his son about it but it will backfire if a stop isn't put in place now. Allowing a child to move in to an adult role is ALWAYS sure to backfire.

"why is he discussing this

"why is he discussing this with his son to come up with a better solution? Kids should have no power like that. He needs to make a decision himself and stick with it instead of running back to his son for approval..."

^^^Exactly! ss is a child not a peer or equal to the parent. Doesn't sound like DH learned anything from this situation. I grew up in the era before children were helicoptered and treated like special snowflakes; I had no influence, no power, no say, and get this...I was a step-child! I can't imagine giving into kids like this.

You handled the situation well goldie. Hold your ground and maybe DH will learn to parent someday instead of coddle and please ss.

Thanks Ladyface. I was scared

Thanks Ladyface. I was scared I had gone too much into bitch mode.

Thanks Lucy. And thanks for

Thanks Lucy. And thanks for the supportive email you sent me here.

Awesome! I think you handled

Awesome! I think you handled it quite fairly.

I hope you push for the counseling because your SS is too old for that kind of tantrum.

Thanks LikeMinded! I will

Thanks LikeMinded! I will definitely push for counseling.

I really like the solutions

I really like the solutions that you came up with. Your DH has no place to be mad - if he's disengaging from your kids it has to be in all aspects, including discipline. And it's only fair for you to disengage from SS as well.

I don't blame you one bit for not wanting to commute that far every day - for someone to suggest you do that was ridiculous.

Stepmom is always the easiest

Stepmom is always the easiest scapegoat, even for other stepmoms.

Thanks Sally!

you've already told your dh

you've already told your dh how it is going to be. it doesn't matter what he and SS come up with. "their" plan has no bearing on what you've decided. your dh running back to SS to try to come up with a "better" plan is all the proof you need that you're doing the right thing. in most marriages, the "plans" are made between husband and wife, not daddy and son. your SS has way too much power over his father. but you are handling it very well.

Whew!! First off..good on you

Whew!! First off..good on you for standing up for yourself!! I read your first blog and my eyes nearly bled..good grief..some of those negative comments were just too damned ridiculous for words!!

I think you have absolutely done the right thing!! SS will just have to learn how to cope and your DH also will learn that SS will adapt to the situation. He did give SS way too much power and this wasn't helping any of you out.

Your DH seems to be the main issue here. He needs to man up and own his decisions. Then he needs to show his Son that you stand by the decisions you make - this will be a great life lesson to teach him.

Your kids sound great - they adapted and they are taking their lead from you. You're doing an awesome job by them - that is evident in the way they've accepted your DH in their lives. It's a damn shame your DH couldn't do the same for you with his Son.

Keep up the good work - you're doin' great!!

Lastly - there does appear to be a "group" here who seem to get their jollies by bullying and making a step parent feel like shit. My 2 cents? If their advice is non-productive and is all about being negative and judgemental..ignore..ignore..and ignore again.

Sorry - had to add this in: If your DH wants to sulk and mope when SS isn't there..then let him. Give him a big box of tissues in case he wants to shed a tear for SS who isn't there to "play".

Don't let this stop you from enjoying doing things with your kids. Life is way too short to be wasted focusing on someone who wants to act like this. There's a whole world out there for exploring..enjoy and be happy!

And SS ripped a huge chunk in the wallpaper in his room. We didn't see it until he had already left. I am not a happy camper right now.