What would you do in this situation?
DH told SS very clearly that there will be no more driving back and forth to pick up any school stuff he forgets. DH even bought SS all new clothes to keep here so SS needs to pack less.
This was a recent rule after DH and BM agreed to enforce it together. BM didn't follow through in one instance and DH felt forced to get a text book. DH told SS that would be the last time.
Now this weekend, SS forgot his laptop charger and his essay is on it. DH is being firm but SS is having a complete tantrum because apparently his English teacher gives detentions for missing homework.
DH asked me what he should do. I told him to make his own decision because I'm not getting involved in this. I did give my opinion as a fellow teacher and said that I will sometimes listen to parents and give extensions if the excuse is reasonable. I deal with divorced parents a lot.
I'm kind of a softy and I think DH should go get the charger. It's not like SS is asking for a game.
But another part of me knows that constantly driving and getting SS's things would mean he will keep forgetting things. When we lived closer to BM, DH was always driving to BM's house to get SS's forgotten items.
How do other families deal with kids forgetting school stuff at the other house?
It's just frustrating because we planned a bbq in the park and now SS will be extra grouchy because of this.
Here's the link to the school
Here's the link to the school that prohibits parents from "rescuing" students that forget things.
http://www.theblaze.com/stories/2016/08/12/arkansas-high-school-teaches-...
"Adorned with a red stop sign, the placard reads: "If you are dropping off your son's lunch, books, homework, equipment etc., please TURN AROUND and exit the building. Your son will learn to problem-solve in your absence.""
That is about kids leaving
That is about kids leaving things at school -- something I agree with very much.
HOWEVER, this kid has to move his stuff between three places, not two, and guess what that sucks. And now, apparently, there is a great distance between the two homes.
Lots of folks are quick to jump on the kids on this board, and most of them have never ever been in the same situation.
If the kid has the laptop,
If the kid has the laptop, why can't dad just run to the local best buy and purchase another charger?
I wouldn't drive back for items needed to complete homework or meds that I couldn't get in my area but not for anything else.
Or email the essay from the
Or email the essay from the laptop to another computer in the house or even a phone if needed. Personally I think the kid should deal with the consequences. One late grade and one detention will not kill him but will let him know that he needs to be responsible for his things now.
I would buy another charger
I would buy another charger and keep it at your home.
He's testing his father. Kid
He's testing his father. Kid just 'oops, forgot a textbook' hop, Daddy, hop.
This week the laptop charger. Is Daddy gonna jump even higher?
Does Dad really have to go through kid's bag each and every pick-up? I guess so. Dad can check each bag and inquire about needing anything else BEFORE pulling away at pick-up.
*SMDH*
For what it's worth, is kid's laptop a school issued like chrome book? If so kid can access his stored work from your laptop.
And had you just forgotten
And had you just forgotten your much needed textbook the week before?
And the 'oops, didn't tell
And the 'oops, didn't tell Dad about party'? Three weeks in a row kid 'forgot'.
How many excuses , uh, I mean, how much "compassion " does a parent extend before being a parent and teaching a 13yr old responsibility and accountability? My GS has been moving between homes for ten years. The only things he has to bring back and forth is his school work... which is packed by him at school at the end of the school day. If kid were to 'forget' his English assignments for three weeks, how compassionate do you suppose his teacher would be?
Every kid will occasionally forget something, no kid should be excused week after week. I bet if your exampled teachers had to drive 90 minutes one way each time they forgot something, they'd their memories would drastically improve fairly rapidly *shrugs*
^^^THIS^^^ The most
^^^THIS^^^
The most "compassionate" thing that the dad can do for his son is allow him to suffer the natural consequences of forgetting. THIS is how people learn. From a LITTLE pain early in life, saving them from A LOT of pain later in life. It's just basic child psychology and development.
Sure. Dad can rescue son every time if he wants. Until son is a grown-up and forgetting or not doing things that REALLY matter and can REALLY have negative consequences.
To respond to Sue. This kid is not being "punished" for forgetting something. His dad is merely saying...I'm not able to drive a long distance to help you out this time. His son is facing natural consequences, not punishment. Natural consequences ARE a form of "teaching" and parents who constantly try to remove natural consequences aren't doing their kids any favors.
Dad needs to by a charger.
Dad needs to by a charger. For heaven's sake, the kid didn't ask to have to bring stuff back and forth.
As a teacher, don't you think both homes should have paper, pencils, lamps, etc. Techonology is a school supply these days.
No idea what the distance is -- but if dad is the one that choose to make the distance an issue as well, he owns part of this.
I disagree. What if the kid
I disagree. What if the kid left it at school? Would you say he didn't ask to bring it back and forth to school? What if he needed it at school and left it at home? Once again, not his fault because he didn't ask to bring it back and forth? This is a weak argument. Traveling back and forth every weekend is now the norm for this kid so he needs to learn to get organized and bring his necessary items. I'm not buying this "poor COD, he didn't ask for this" bullshit as an excuse to keep forgetting his things. All kids need to remember to bring things home, to school, and sometimes their other parent's house. What if he was visiting grandma 100 miles away? Would he also be given a pass if he forgot? This kid will never learn to make sure he has everything he needs if dad keeps running back to get whatever he forgot. Detention is not the end of the world, and maybe a detention will be a good reminder for next time.
One other thing -- teach him
One other thing -- teach him to use google drive. It is a great tool and it means he can access his stuff with any computer (actually any device I think) and he could have finished the essay on your computer.
If you have other chargers
If you have other chargers check them. One of them might work.
No charger in the house will work, then buy a new one (that stays at your house). SS has to do extra chores to work off the cost.
Ask the teacher if his school account can be accessed from the cloud (or be set to work that way). If so he can use any computer to do and save his work.
Yep.
Yep.
I second THIS!!!!
I second THIS!!!!
Thanks for the input
Thanks for the input everyone. Unfortunately SS came here with a nearly dead battery. By the time he realized that the charger was missing it was too late to email it himself.
That was a great idea about google drive. I was reading about it and it's a perfect solution to avoid situations like this. DH drove to one store today but they didn't have those universal chargers.
He is going to try the one other store in town tomorrow. He tried calling them ahead but the person who answered didn't seem to know anything about their own store.
DH told me that if the store doesn't have it he is going to stay firm and not go to BM's house. Hopefully it won't come to that.
It sounds like he should bust
It sounds like he should bust out the binder paper and a pencil and get to writing IMO!
I'm stuck on the fact that
I'm stuck on the fact that there are only two stores in town where he can purchase a charger. :? :?
Since the battery was just "nearly dead", why didn't dad just have the kid email it to him, then access it on another device?
I'm actually not surprised by
I'm actually not surprised by this. I had to order a second charger for my laptop online or drive 45 min into the closest major city. None of the office supply stores, computer stores, or even the Walmart (et all) had the universal charger I needed in stock. All were able to order it, but none carried it here in this "big city". While technically a large city with a big population, our area is huge for farming and manufacturing and our city is not sophisticated in the least.
*****
*****
The only way SS is going to
The only way SS is going to stop this if everyone else stops picking up after him.
You set ground rules in counselling about DH not going back to collect things for him.
In the few weeks since
SS forgot some thing, had a tantrum DH went and got it as EX wife said it was her 'fault'.
2nd time SS forgot about a Party, SS had a tantrum so once again DH took him as Ex wife said it was her 'fault'again.
This week SS forgets his charge (probably ex wife 'fault' again) Has a tantrum and DH thinks he should go and get. Make SS do his essay on one of your computers, even if he needs to start again.
All your SS has learnt is that if he forgets something and has tantrums for 30mins, an hour DH will give in.
STOP giving in make SS take responsibility for his own actions, he EX wife says it's her fault the SHE corrects it even it that means she brings whatever SS forgets or collect him to take him to parties.
This is an essay - not a PhD
This is an essay - not a PhD dissertation. Sounds like the kid could have rewritten it twice by now if he'd put the effort into re doing it that he has into whining about it.
Yes he needs to be taught to be responsible - but enabling him teaches him nothing but irresponsibility.
People do forget things - but an important life skill is to learn how to deal with it.
SD11 and SS10 learned early
SD11 and SS10 learned early on that if there was something they needed, they had to remember it themselves. DH would take forgotten things to school or make it available to for BM to pick up, but BM would only do it if it was convenient for her. And I agreed with BM - DH and I got in a fight over that one. SD11 has missed recess so many times over forgetting something that she actually tried to convince herself she didn't want recess.
That being said, DH or I always make sure to ask the kids if they have everything. We have a checklist available for the kids to use to help them remember. But at the end of the day, the kids are responsible for remembering. The kids both know that their parents will try to bring them something if it is a need, but there are no guarantees. SS just missed out on bike riding at school because he forgot to tell us about it until the morning he was supposed to bring his bike in. Our bikes are currently in a storage unit due to a flood in our garage. So no bike for SS10 because neither DH nor I were going to cut into our workday to go over to the storage unit, pick up a bike, and drive it back to the school.
The kid is 13. Refer to OP'S
The kid is 13. Refer to OP'S profile page. This kid is a sneeze away from high school. Even before Dad moved, the parents should hate been working with this child on his organization skills. 50/50 in the same town does not waive responsibility.
There's a difference between
There's a difference between compassion and consequences. Compassion for living further away is not the same as ignoring consequences of forgetting. That is how Disney parents are formed. BM lives less than 10 minutes away from us. We live 3 blocks from the school. The distance has nothing to do with why BM & DH do not go back and forth for forgotten things.
This situation perfectly
This situation perfectly describes my life 4-5 years ago. BM CONSTANTLY dropping by our house (we live very close) to drop off stuff the kids "forgot" and then texted her about. DH running to BMs at the drop of a hat to take skids things they left here. Multiple trips to the school each week, mostly for SS.
I put my foot down about a year into our marriage. Kids forget...kids deal with the consequences. It's made everyone a lot happier and the kids a lot more responsible, I think.
Actually. I think if I went
Actually. I think if I went somewhere every week I would quickly develop a routine for packing and making sure I had what I needed. I'm not talking a kid who forgot a toothbrush every once in a while. I'm talking EVERY time. I'm talking about pre-teens and teens who NEVER remembered lunch (when at their mom's, no less) and called their daddy to fix it because he works from home so, apparently, his time is disposable...or completely at their disposal. I'm talking a teen boy who forgot his school ID several times a week (again, not when "moving" from his mom's house to our house...but on his regular schedule at BM's) and called dad to go to her house, get it, and then drive to the school to take it to him. Easily a 45-minute errand at least. A teen boy who, even though he had a suitcase that we bought for him, would arrive at our house carrying his clothes and toiletries loose in his hands.
This is not acceptable behavior to me. I don't care what the "extenuating circumstances" are. This is the behavior of entitled children who think the adults in their lives should take up the slack for them...who think the adults serve them at their whims. I think we were right to put an end to it.
I guess I was more
I guess I was more responsible than most at 13? More independent, certainly. Maybe because I am the oldest of 6. It simply never would have occurred to me to ask my parents to drop everything they were doing to run something to me at school...or at a friend's house if I was at a sleepover. I knew they were busy and had their own lives. I dealt with my shortcomings myself and quickly became more responsible, more considerate, and less forgetful because of it.
These kids think that because they all have a cell phone their parents are on a tether and should be at their beck-and-call. That's bad parenting...and OP's husband is right to make his son figure this out.
But, at any rate, in my comment I was talking about MY situation with MY skids, who were most certainly entitled and needed to be broken of that bad habit.
Oh my god why doesn't OP's DH
Oh my god why doesn't OP's DH just get back together with BM so poor little coddled SS doesn't have 2 homes anymore?! His parents ARE DIVORCED! He has TWO HOMES! That is life now so he needs to learn to deal with it! And it doesn't matter if the distance between is five minutes or five hours, the rule is don't forget your stuff because no one is running back to get it. And this is now the THIRD instance of something forgotten, after it was discussed in counseling that this was the new rule.
My god I don't think you'll be happy until the OP is permanently on her knees with her lips attached to this kid's ass and begging for forgiveness for moving away.
If the parents didn't mind
If the parents didn't mind running to school to drop stuff off, and no one expected you to do the same, why did you feel the need to interfere????
I understand your frustration with mom dropping by your house to drop stuff off since that impacted you directly.
Well, A.) I was often asked
Well,
A.) I was often asked to do the same. I eventually said ABSOLUTELY NOT and stuck to it.
AND
B.) They never asked their mom, because she was a teacher and couldn't leave work. Only dad...who worked from home. Often, they asked him to go to their mom's house to pick something up (lunch, a project, an ID) and then take it to them at school. Assuming he found the item right away and had no traffic, this was 45 minutes out of his workday. Usually an hour or more. Since DH is a freelancer, and since I work with him at his business in addition to working a part-time job, and since I make more than he does and pay for most household items, including gas, this most certainly DID affect me directly. If he's not working, he's not making money or building up new business. Meaning I subsidize his "time off" to cater to the kids. It was important to me that his kids, and he, started seeing his working hours as just as important as their mom's working hours.
AND
C.) Even if neither of the above things were true. Even if I was never brought into it and I didn't pay for the majority of household items and DH could completely "afford" the time out of his workday to run stuff to the kids...these were HIGH SCHOOL kids we were talking about here. It is GOOD for kids to figure stuff like this out on their own, or deal with the natural consequences of forgetting (like detention if you forget your ID...not on the first or second time of the week but on the THIRD time. So 3 out of 5 days you "forget" your ID and you get a detention. I don't think that's Draconian.) It's GOOD to realize that if you forget something, you have to figure it out...you don't get to make SOMEONE ELSE pay for your forgetfulness. Even if that "someone else" is your dad. And, yes. I know people forget things. Grown-ups forget things...but, when they do, they have to solve the problem and pay for it. You know what I have to do if I'm traveling for work and I forget my shoes? I HAVE TO BUY NEW SHOES! And that's expensive. If I forget my laptop charger and can't do my presentation? I have to buy a new charger. What I DON'T get to do is ask my mommy to drop everything and bring it to me. 13 (or, in my skids cases, 15, 16, 17...etc.) is not too early to learn some basic responsibility.
OP, is the "forgetting" one
OP, is the "forgetting" one sided?
If he only forgets stuff when he's going to dad's then this is deliberate. If it happens equally with both parents, then he may just be a scatter brain who needs help getting organized.
I agree that every situation
I agree that every situation is different, and as a parent, you often have to make a judgment call about the best course of action in any given circumstance.
In general, though, I don't think most kids are suffering due to a lack of feeling important or special. I DO think a lot of kids need to be taught more responsibility. It's not like there are only two options here. Run grab the charger like SS wants or say "no way...on your own kid!" and leave it at that. There are lots of ways to be a good parent and to teach responsibility without totally catering to a kid or totally leaving kid on his own. Her DH could talk to his son about finding a creative solution to the problem within their parameters. This could be a great, teachable moment. I am glad that your SS turned into a successful young man. Mine did, too. I think he needed to be taught responsibility and made to deal with the results of his scattered-ness in order to become that. We didn't ignore his "feelings" or his "needs" - we simply asked him to step up and assured him that he was capable of doing so.
We live about (due to transit
We live about (due to transit methods) 1.5 hours away from BM. SD12 was constantly forgetting stuff at her BMs....occasionally at our house but mostly BMs.
DH was making emergency drives to the school, to BMs, to a friend's home and the last time (last school year) with one last minute "emergency" run he'd had enough. If she doesn't remember she doesn't get extra help. She knows what she needs and when and is expected to follow through.
She's been told this and understands.
SD10 forgets things too but not as often. Her issue is mostly forgetting her rain coat or extra sweatshirt or sweater at BMs. She has more than one but they all end up at BMs. She knows we don't just go buy her new ones so if she gets wet so be it.
Both SDs are learning and much better now that they suffer the consequences, not DH.
Your DH needs to site the kid down and talk with him so he understands why it's important to remember things. How it effects others, not just him. And then stop helping unless it's a legitimate emergency.
I work on computers. I'd
I work on computers. I'd pull the f'n hard drive and slap it on an enclosure before I'd ever go schlepping back to the BM's. In fact, I'd teach SS how to tear down a laptop.
It's probably easier to get an enclosure than a 2nd charger in a pinch. SS would have to work off the additional expense in chores.
GOldie - at least DH is
GOldie - at least DH is keeping his word... SS got warned last week-end, he should've made sure he's ready this week-end, I think SS knew his laptop would die on him and he thought Dad can just drive around... Happy DH told him NO..
I agree with dropping him off earlier at BM's then he can do his home work, sorry kiddo either you prepare for a visit or you go back home earlier.
But think about getting a charger at your home for SS....maybe a docking station fitting more then one laptop?
Then SS can never have this excuse again...
Personally I think SS is having a pissing contest with his father, he want to show he will get his father to jump when he demands and DH is not allowing it yet, I hope DH can stand strong
If SS is so 'forgetful', then
If SS is so 'forgetful', then he needs to make a checklist of things that must be transported back and forth.
PrincASS and PigPen have been toting xbox, playstation, and laptops back and forth for over 3 YEARS. They have forgotten games, a laptop charger, a phone charger, and homework. My DH will NOT drive them back to BioHo's OR buy a new one. Guess what? These things have been forgotten ONCE in 3+ years.