Haven't met kids...
First I want to say I'm soooo happy i found this site. I've read much and would greatly appreciate some advice. I've been dating my boyfriend for 2 years. We have decided to get engaged. He has two sons (one he fathered/one he did not but accepts the boy as his own) and a daughter. I have a few issues...1) The mother of the two boys has no interest in meeting or getting to know me, she also doesn't feel that her children are ready to meet me. His kids are 5 and 10. I find this uncomfortable...I have expressed to him that I feel i should meet these children... He has argued with ex about this to the point where she finally said she didn't care anymore. He has since had a conversation with his kids about me but I've yet to meet them. I have met is daughter, she is 12 and i've met the mother. Am i wrong for pressing the issue of meeting the children or should I just wait it out. Also, should i just let it go that the ex does not want to meet me. Now grant it...I'm not trying to kiss ass, I'm just trying to show that I'm open to meeting and and welcoming her kids. Also, sometimes my boyfriend will ask me advice about how he should handle a situation with her and the children...when he mentions my name...she is quit to say "she doesn't have kids, so it doesn't matter." Now...i don't have children, however soon i will have stepchildren and i feel like there is a lack of respect for me coming from her. Please let me know what ya'll think...thanx
are you ready to "step" through...??
hell I mean. Speaking as a step for eight years now, I would not give up my husband or his kids for anything but it takes a lot of patience and team work to make it through the bad times. My question is does your fiance have visitation with these kids? And if so, where does he think you will be for those visits once you are married? It is time if he wants to spend his life with you that he shares ALL that comes with that life. When I met my dh I was naive enough to think that I would meet the bm''s and that we would all get along because that is what is best for the kids right? Unfortunately it does not always happen this way. And if you have read any of the posts on this site you will understand what I mean. By the sounds of it respect is the last thing you will get from the bm, so don't wait for it OR try to get it. But that doesn't mean that you and the fiance can't build a happy home together that includes all these kids. Good luck and welcome to the site!
No
2 years is a long time. Sounds to me that the mom of the two boys is just not ready for another woman to be present in there lives yet.
Which is sad because as a lot of woman on here you would be a "bonus".. Your BF is the father of these two its high time he remember that he has a say too. And you should meet them now. What are you waiting for. What is he going to introdue you at the wedding. Further more its high time bio mommy dearest take into consideration that he still cares for her son as his own. I think its very sad. I say push the issue. Tell him you will not marry him until you meet the boys..
JMO
Happy
Wait?!?!
I have a quick questions... okay, really it's a couple of questions!
Why does your finance feel the need to ask BM for her permission to meet you? Does he have any visitation time with the kids outside of BM? If he does, then why doesn't he just arrange to pick up the kids, and oh... my, look it's SweetPea waiting for us at the restaurant. Or something like that. I think two years is an AWFUL long time to wait to introduce a new partner into their lives. A few months, yes, but a few years... no. That's just creating a false image for the kids, and when you overprotect your kids, it can backfire. It's not healthy for them either, because they don't get any exposure to what a healthy loving bonding relationship between a couple is.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
Hi Stepmom!!!I believe he
Hi Stepmom!!!
I believe he feels the need to ask her just to keep the peace because the kids are in her care. He does see his kids. Their relationship can sometimes be ok, but when there is an argument, that "child support" stuff comes up. My finace does not want to be in the system as he puts it! I believe that weighs over his head. Before i came along they were together for like 7 years and she let him go. They basically lived together the whole time. Now I come along and I do believe its a jealousy issue. She claims she's protecting her kids because her oldest son (which is not his) is not ready. She has always said that its too much for him. Now...I don't have children but I do have common sense and I believe this will backfire. I agree with you, I don't think its healthy but I do thinks its her. My finance has this false perception of her. I believe he doesn't want to really "see" whats going on here. I believe the issue is with her.
Consequences for those actions... let me tell you... lol
And boy are we paying for it now! My DH felt the same way, but today... we are now in court and it's going to get very expensive! Although, so far, BM hasn't even appeared to court, and we have a standing temporary order that we have custody of SD. If BM doesn't appear in court on March 5th, we get full physical custody of SD... and all our worries... well sorta, at least on paper... will be over. (Yeah, right I'm dreaming, I know! LOL)
I know how difficult this is, believe me. My SD hasn't seen me but 3 times in 6yrs. She really doesn't even know who I am, but it's not of fault of my DH either, it is the BM. BM has an attachment issue, and I think it sounds like yours does too. Unfortunately, the only way to get around this is either your finance has to buckle up, and push back on her, just arrange times and dates to pick up the kids, and you have to slowly introduce yourself into the mix.
If he sees them, do you know when, where, and what time? Maybe you could just 'pop in' and say hello? This is what I did, I just sorta 'bumped' into BM and SD at the mall where they were meeting DH a few times, and the little girl had no problems with me, but boy o boy did BM! LOL. What was funny was she was trying to make this fake illusion of a 'happy family shopping' because she had this incredibly fake huge 'diamond' ring on her hand. And it was obvious from her outfit that she was trying to 'get DH's attention' (Her skirt was at the bottom of her ass, and I don't believe for a second that those were her 'working shoes'... well, she was working something that's for sure! LOL.) It was bad. And DH just was too blind to see it, because he wasn't interested in her. With me tagging along, I broke her illusion of that happy family. I only got to go a couple of time because of my work schedule at the time.
Today, however, BM is extremely elusive, has been ignoring DH, and now we are in court proceeding that she has been avoiding too... so we'll see if the judge gets her attention on March 5th!
It will get a little rocky, but he too has to learn that it's not right to avoid the issue. There was a time when DH was avoiding me too when it came to visiting with SD, but I simply sat him down and told him how it made me feel. I told him to put himself in my shoes and pretend that if I had a son somewhere, how would he feel if this was him? Feel like shit not being 'a part of his family'. It worked for me. But we can't change BM, unless you go through court.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
I appreciate your response.
I appreciate your response. You make me smile! Well...he had a conversation with his son last weekend about me and he also spoke about me again this weekend...so we are making some progress. The BM seems to be dismissing it like she does not care anymore. Anyway, I think I went about this in a niave manner, I really wanted everything to be run smoothly but you know what...it is what it is...at the end of the day i feel its about me and my fiance. He says i'll be meeting them soon, so I will keep you posted.
Her and them
When it comes to her, well, she'll probably never really be respectful of you or your place in the lives of your hubby-to-be and your new stepchildren. That's something that you have to be okay with BEFORE you marry this guy. It really is a life sentence in a lot of ways. As for them, you are going to be one of their parents. YES, YOU HAVE TO MEET THEM! For crying out loud! Not only should you meet them, you should have some kind of working relationship with them before you marry their dad. (Okay, you don't HAVE to have a relationship with them before saying I DO, but it'll make the transition a whole lot easier on everyone if you do.) I'm not clear on why you haven't already met these boys, anyway. It's as much dad's decision as it is mom's. If you haven't met them yet because he didn't want to tell her no or was waiting for her approval, then I think you have a much bigger problem that just not meeting the boys...!
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
Hi Anne8102,I agree with
Hi Anne8102,
I agree with the comment you made about waiting on her approval and I also thought about that too! I'm supposed to be meeting them soon, we'll see. I have a feeling all this will backfire and you know what??? I'll just let it. During the past two weeks he has mentioned me to the boys so he is getting them ready...so to speak..When he mentioned it to her, she sort of waived it off...I believe he's tired of her and the wool is slowly coming from over his eyes...She's not so concerned about those boys...the issue is her. I was naive in thinking I could come into this with an open heart and make all this stuff work. My focus now is on my fiance and myself. I love him dearly, but as i make the transition into officially being engaged..I will see how this all works out and if i can deal with it. If I can't, I will reconsider..
It will happen
Two years is a long time! I've only been around for a year and I just met the daughter last Friday. I thought that was a long time! Although I was very open to meeting the mom and compromising...she wasn't. She said we were pushing me on the child. Even though she was in a relationship for a month or two and introduced him to the child.
So we picked her up friday night and she threw a horrible fit. But by Saturday she was over it and we played golf and laser tag. She had a good time. Read my recent forum posts for my whole story. If I can get past the BM I have high hopes for you!
Girl thank you for the
Girl thank you for the encouragement!! I'll will look for your post about your story.
Hi Sweet PeaIt is a hard
Hi Sweet Pea
It is a hard road...step-parenting. Most of us love our husbands dearly and wouldn't change things but if we had it to do all over again?!?
I think 2 years is a very long time to have waited. You are patient. I don't think I would have been able to marry my husband had I not had a decent relationship with my SD (I actually have a very good one). It is hard enough marriage but with all the external shit that comes with a blended family you better be sure.
The Ex...well I never wanted to meet her...she wanted to meet me but I thought life would be just fine without her in it. WRONG!!!! They will always be there. Some have decent relationship with them but most of us have awful relationships with them. You can't change her and the way she feels...better to know that now...believe me I tried.
Get to know the kids and the situation well before committing to it because you will be tested lots throughout the marriage and without commitment it is really hard to make it.
GOOD LUCK!!!