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Adventureman2017's picture

I'm a step father of two years now. My girlfriend and I have been going through some rough patches as of late, we are arguing about rules and guidelines, which is fine because she runs a tight ship. The problem is, whenever I create a rule or even a little strict, she blows it out of proportion and reverses the rule I put knplace. She always referrs to the kids are "MY" kids. I try to buy stuff for the kids when they need it and she says oh there dad can buy it, I work a camp job so I'm going 20 days and home for 20 days, I try not to be hard on the kids but give them the best guidance I can offer, she makes me feel segregated from her family she created with another man before I met her. Maybe I'm being narrow minded but some advice from other step parents who have similar experiences are welcome to share.

SMforever's picture

I thnk you are very fortunate to have a GF who,runs a tight ship and takes responsibility for parenting her kids. She is the one there all the time and I can see how,she needs to be in charge for,the sake of consistency. She probably instinctively wants to,avoid having differing sets of rules that the kids just use to manipulate. They are HER kids and she clearly has no,expectation of puttimg that burden on you.

A lot of steps on here would give their eye teeth for a responsible partner like this.

You are also fortunate she doesn't want you spending your money on them! You sound kind and generous.

Now, that isn't to,say you cant enjoy giving them gifts and occasionally paying the restaurant bill. Just let GF handle the shared custody/expenses issues since ther is a father who has responsibility for all that already. That's not likely to change.

You say you feel,segregated. Well only you choose how you feel, but you came into this knowing the deal. Did you magically expect a simple relationship? There are several people involved with a matrix of dynamics that existed before you appeared. You are one cog in the wheel and that's what's on offer, you have an opportunity to enjoy a family group for whom you pay very little but if you what youmactually want is the full Dad role, then perhaps a different partner is the choice.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Someone give him the link for the disengagement essay.

The fact is this is not your child. You can insist on being treated with kindness and respect and create some memories together but if you aren't treated well then ix-nay on the memories and just be the sweetheart of the mom.

Tell gf you now only enforce personal boundaries. That is different from parenting. It's more like a teacher or substitute teacher. "Don't care what your mom says or how you turn out--these are my rules for being in my space."

Acratopotes's picture

I will do it gladly....

and young man, they are not your kids, they never will be..... they have a father and a mother so stop saying your are a step father, you are not even married to this woman, these children are simply your girlfriends children, nothing less and nothing more.

http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html